Feeling judged by my in laws

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I'm a first time mum to a lovely 6mo and, admittedly, I'm a massive safety freak. Like, I still don't feel comfortable in letting him sleep with anything in his cot, definitely not blankets (he has a sleepbag), I don't use cot bumpers, Im strict about how long he can have his bottle (max is an hour before it's discarded and I stick to it, I know others are more lenient). This isn't a judgement to those parents that do those things, everyone parents differently and he's my baby and this is how I choose to do things. I also tried baby led weaning but the gagging/choking was all too much for my anxiety. I want weaning to be enjoyable for him and I don't want him to pick up on my anxiety so traditional weaning is for us. However. I feel like my in laws just don't understand and they make me feel a bit stupid and pressured into doing things I don't want to do. Yesterday for instance they were trying to give him lumps of broccoli. They also put him down for a nap in the cot they have at theirs which is used for their granddaughter whose nearly 2 and therefore one of the cot sides isn't up... like, my 6 month old rolls and wiggles in bed and he could have easily fell out!! I was so uncomfortable and they made me feel bad for constantly checking on him. I don't mean to make them feel bad either but it's just really stressful to the point where I dread seeing them. I don't want to cause any problems but I feel like my wishes should be respected. Should I speak to them? Am I being unreasonable??

The cot issue definitely needs addressing. You can't leave a mobile baby in a cot with a side down. Why can they not see that!

The weaning, again you will need to say something. I would have thought something pureed would have been more appropriate at 6 mo, not lumps of broccoli. Is your DP/DH on board with your parenting choices? He should be helping have the conversations with his DPs.

"No."
"Please don't do (insert offending behaviour)."
"I'm not comfortable with that."

Say whatever you need to whenever you need to. You're the mother, you make the rules and your in-laws don't have to like it. Stop worrying about what they think and do what you feel is best.

What does your DH say?

It's your baby, your rules. When my now toddler was a baby I was a complete nap nazi, as in she slept at certain times of the day no negotiations. She had colic and I had a horrendous birth and migraines after the birth so I needed my baby to sleep. My in laws moaned but I just kept repeating I'm doing this my way. It helped that DH backed me up.

Completely agree with you about the safe sleeping OP. DDs 16 months and still doesn't have blankets, despite my parents saying I'm over cautious. You definitely can't leave a 6 month old sleeping in a cot with a side off! They can roll off. I would definitely be standing my ground on that one, I would be taking a pushchair for DC to nap in at their house.

You are the parent, you get to decide how your child is fed and how they sleep. I had similar issues with my parents and in laws, you just have to politely point out that you are the parent and your decisions have to be respected.

YANBU. It's dangerous.

You can be really confident as you really are making better decisions - I illustrated a talk on cot safety and it really stressed how cots should have nothing in them when the baby is sleeping etc . Don’t feel it’s your anxiety, just be really confident and politely give them strong reasons why and don’t let it make you feel bad- you’re right to be doing things this way and it’s a shame you’re even having to feel anxious or bad!

The cot issue is dangerous and your in laws are wrong.
The broccoli is your choice and one as a parent you are in charge of.
My MIL didn't like BLW and would much preferred me to purée everything but she understood it was my choice as the parent. Get your DH to talk to them.

You're not being unreasonable, except for the BLW thing you're following advice. If they quibble then point them to guides on baby sleeping hazards, bottle hygiene etc.

I think BLW is great but if it's not for you, it's not for you. You don't need to apologise to anyone for that.

The thing with being a new first time mum is that there are dangers out there, it's just hard to establish the right level of caution about them because you're inexperienced. Just like how new drivers are nervous. Confidence comes with time. Plus with hindsight baby care seems simple but people forget how vulnerable little babies are. In 6 months or a year you'll have a much more relaxed attitude I'm sure.

From the things you've described, I wouldn't say you were a safety freak at all, just a normally cautious mother trying to care for her baby. To be honest, you're the one who'll face the hard times if the baby is sick or cranky, so you decide the rules. They should respect you more and let you find your feet as a parent.

I don't understand why your MIL has a say in where your baby sleeps and what your baby eats?

I think you need to learn to say what is going to happen with your DC, they don't get to decide what your baby eats or how they sleep. It is up to you and your DH to make these small decisions and to present a united front on what is happening. They either respect that or visit you on your own turf where you can attend to your DC without stress.

I think you should say something, but don't make it about their decisions being wrong make it about what you need to be comfortable and how agonising it is for you to worry. Acknowledge that you know you're a bit OTT but that's what you need to do right now to be able to relax and ask them to respect that so you can enjoy spending time with them.

Even though I don't think any of your things are unreasonable, make it about your peace of mind, not that they are wrong.

I get this all the time with MIL. She bought us cot bumpers without checking first and then got offended that we didn't use them. I don't care if she thinks I'm overprotective.

Don't enter into a debate or escalate into a conflict, just smile and calmly carry on parenting your way. Presumably you and your DP make parenting decisions together so he should have your back in conversations with PILs.

If things like the cot are unsuitable, just take your own travel cot until they sort it. MIL always wants us to use stuff they keep there, but she now knows we won't if it's not up to scratch.

I don’t get why people who aren’t the babies parents can’t just respect their wishes! Just shut up and be grandparents for goodness sake

I think you are making some very good and safe choices, Including no baby led weaning. What you are a little short of is confidence. Manage your anxiety. Develop the confidence to smile at in laws and nicely say, I would rather do it this way. No conflict just quiet assertion. Keep up the good work

I hope that when I am a GP I can bite my tongue and tell my DS and DIL they are doing a great job and I am here to help if needed and not add to their anxiety.

Thank you everyone, you've all reassured me I'm not insane! Problem is, my DP isn't on board with me AT ALL. He has currently got the face on with me because I don't want to do BLW. He's so angry with me about it. It's like a control thing for him, because I was breastfeeding he felt like he had no input in anything and he felt like he couldn't do anything with him (he kinda guilt tripped me into stopping doing that, although I'm still BF at night and in the morning so I don't do it in front of him - not worth the argument but that's an entirely different issue). So he wanted to be 'in charge' of the weaning process. Which is great in theory but he's always at work which leaves meal times 99% of the time down to me. Or even when he gets up with him in the morning, he never gives him breakfast! It's always me that does it when I get up. Oh and he thinks I'm being ridiculous about the cot thing too. Problem is, his sister has done all the things I've mentioned with her two year old so I guess they all think what she says goes. She's always dishing out unsolicited advice. I know I need to grow some balls and voice that I'm the parent and I'll parent him however I feel is best

I assure you once they start school, no one knows if a child was breastfed or bottle fed, if the parents chose BLW or pureed everything, and no one cares.

I never did BLW because I couldn't be bothered, it was so much easier and quicker for me to go the old puree way, and none of my kids has any lasting damage

I think you are very kind to allow your in-laws to have your baby, I would not leave mine with anyone who doesn't respect my wishes and my rules. The cot thing is stupid and dangerous.

It's ok to follow your instinct and tell other people that it's not acceptable. It's easier if they don't have the baby without you around.

OP you are focusing on completely the wrong issue! You and your partner need to have a serious conversation and talk through your parenting approach. Don't worry about your in-laws, it's far more important that you and your partner are on board with a consistent approach.

The cot safety is important and you need to stand your ground on that. A 6 month old cant be in an open sided cot; that’s just dangerous.

On weaning, you need to have a conversation with your partner. Neither of you is right or wrong on which weaning style. But, you need to address your anxieties. Perhaps a baby first aid course would help you feel more confident whichever approach you for for. Do bear in mind though that even with traditional weaning, the nhs advises mashed foods and finger foods (rather than just purées) from 6 months

A 6 month old needs to have finger foods to munch on/gum to death too even if doing traditional weaning. Nothing wrong imo chucking a bit broccoli and let them gum it. There's nothing stopping your dh doing blw at the weekends.

A 6 month old needs to have finger foods to munch on/gum to death of course not, why do you think that. It's absolutely fine to give puree for the first few months of weaning, and introduce finger food later. It's your choice.

If you don't want to follow the NHS, look at guidelines from other countries. The children there do just as well with completely different advice. They are all fine in the end if you use common sense. Advice change every few years anyway.

You don't sound like a safety freak at all, just a normal sensible mum following the guidelines. I didn't do BLW either, didn't do full on traditional weaning as I didn't have a blender/am lazy but I tended to give mashed food or soft finger foods only eg bread and butter fingers.

Be firm with your in laws. Make sure your husband backs you up.

You have a DP problem.

Reading this sound exactly like the situation i was in when I had my perfect last born. As for the food, just say, “please don’t give him that, I don’t want him to choke”. As for the cot, I am a freak and would not let my son sleep in any cot that is in my in laws house for a number of reasons but I just avoided being there for that long that he needed a nap and when push came to shove, I bought a travel cot and a proper mattress and bedding for the in laws house and left it there. As for your other half trying to dominate the way you parent, when it’s you doing 99% of the work, I would tell him as bluntly as possible that as the baby’s mother, this is the way you are doing it and if he doesn’t like it then tuff. My other half would never do this as he knows I just wouldn’t let him. Stand your ground and don’t back down, this is your child and he’s taking the piss and as for your sister in law, just smile politely when she give you advice and continue to look after your child the way you want to as it’s none of her business!🙂

Cot safety is so, so important. A family in my village lost their little one due to exactly this. A baby/toddler should sleep in a completely bare cot in a grobag with no toys, pillows, mobiles, bumpers etc - literally nothing. It’s easy to say it is “health and safety gone mad” but having seen what this poor family have been through made me realise that the safety guidance is there for a reason.