Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If your DC gets detentions at school do you punish them at home,

26 replies

ThatOneHurt · 03/12/2018 14:06

Before my Y7 DC started secondary school I always figured that detention was punishment enough and I wouldn't need to intervene at home.

But I'm beginning to rethink this.

He's having a detention about once a fortnight for being disruptive, today I get an email because 'he kept getting out of his chair'.

He gets way, way more positive messages, commendations etc, they are on a daily basis.
He describes detention as 'fun' and 'a laugh'.

I don't like the idea of him thinking he can disrupt a lesson or keep getting out of his chair and get away with an extra 10 mins after school.

Should I be punishing him at home (confiscate his phone for a certain amount of time for example) or not?

Never had a child this age before so I'm still very much winging it.

OP posts:
TeenTimesTwo · 03/12/2018 14:11

I would say Yes for repeated behaviour like this where the deterrent from the school isn't sufficient.

user187656748 · 03/12/2018 14:13

Yes I would be punishing at home. That is unacceptable and completely disrespectful behaviour.

Lollypop701 · 03/12/2018 14:15

It’s recurrent... you need to nip this in the bud now. 10 minutes add up to a lot of downtime for a whole class. So yes I would punish him at home too.

Snowwontbelong · 03/12/2018 14:17

Detention =no games time that night in my house.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 03/12/2018 14:18

Why is he being disruptive? I think you need to get to the bottom of that.

pollyhampton · 03/12/2018 14:19

Yes. Mine have had a couple of detentions for forgotten/incomplete homework which I don't punish for at home but behaviour I definitely would, especially for poor behaviour. I would also be letting the school know that I was on board with their punishments too.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 03/12/2018 14:21

You have all echo'ed my thoughts.

Thanks for the input.

OP posts:
user187656748 · 03/12/2018 14:21

Likewise a detention would be a PS4 ban in our house. Probably a two week one (they're only allowed PS4 time at weekends anyway).

A demerit (warning) wouldn't get that sort of punishment but it would be discussed (my DC are always completely innocent of whatever crime they are accused of having committed of course Hmm) and we would make it very clear that we are not happy about it and don't expect a repeat.

theworldistoosmall · 03/12/2018 14:22

10-minute detention? That's nothing. Of course, he's continuing to do it. 10 minutes and you've still got time to catch up with your mates.

Even though it's 45 minutes, yes there are still sanctions at home the majority of the time. I say majority as there have been occasions where 45 minutes has been enough.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/12/2018 14:23

Not normally, no, but I would if the detentions weren't a deterrent.

Temporaryanonymity · 03/12/2018 14:24

It depends on the detention. My son's teacher wrote in his planner that he received a detention for not doing his homework. It lasted two minutes (confirmed my friend's daughter) so not really a deterrent.

mostdays · 03/12/2018 14:24

I used to, but it only added to the cycle.

And, to be honest, given that my imposing any sort of penalty on ds1 means hours of screaming, aggression, destruction of property and attempts to inflict physical violence on people, I do not see "had black ankle socks instead of black knee length socks for PE lesson" as enough of a crime to inflict that on myself, dh and ds1's brothers. I deal with actual, real problems with ds1 all day, every day, and I have to pick my battles. So when he's played truant/ been picked up by police/ threatened a teacher/ assaulted a peer, yes, I penalise him at home. Getting out of his chair a few times during a lesson? Not even on my radar, and I would give anyone who thought it should be short shrift.

But then most people are not bringing up a child like ds1, so my answers probably don't apply to many of you.

theworldistoosmall · 03/12/2018 14:30

That reminds me of what parenting my eldest was like mostdays. Although without the getting up from the chair as I didn't think it was fair on the rest of the class to be disrupted because of him.
And yes he was extremely volatile. Smashed in doors regularly to get to me in a fit of rage. But I persevered and told the school to fuck off about the socks.

Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 03/12/2018 15:05

He will try and spend 20 minutes talking at me this afternoon explaining why the teacher only gave him a detention because he or she dislikes him and he did absolutely nothing wrong and it's some kind of conspiracy Hmm.

He's a good kid generally and this is very much reflected in the positive feedback that I get from the school.
But he can be immature and easily lead and we even have this issue at home, so it doesn't surprise me in the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 03/12/2018 15:06

Also I may be mildly annoyed on top of this because I found 4 pairs of dirty socks in his drawers because he's beeen shoving them back after he's warn them because he's too lazy to walk the 6 steps to the washing basket. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatOneHurt · 03/12/2018 15:06

*worn them

OP posts:
Satsumaeater · 03/12/2018 15:11

No. I don't ask the school to punish for things done wrong at home.

I have only once punished my son for something he did at school (and it worked).

But for a detention? No. Actions have consequences. Either a child learns that they don't like detentions so do their homework, or stop chatting (or in your example, getting up when they should be sitting down) they have to do the detention. Their choice. Not sure how taking away their phone at home has any impact on their behaviour at school. Some schools hand out detentions like (unpleasant) sweets, you also need to consider if your school is one of those.

Talith · 03/12/2018 15:14

Depends what it's for. DS hasn't had many usually missed homework but the homework system is so bloody convoluted I generally sympathise with him! Repeated disruption would need a punishment or sanction though.

Talith · 03/12/2018 16:49

I'd also mention to the school that he finds detentions fun. They might find a way to make them a bit more effective!

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 03/12/2018 16:55

Depends what it’s for. Our school gives them out like smarties - so, for not scoring 50%+ in a class test or being late for chapel. For these the detention is punishment enough but if it was something worse then I’d punish at home too.

elkiedee · 03/12/2018 18:34

On the dirty socks, he's old enough to start taking part in your laundry cycle, even with his clothes. Can you ask him to do things in such a way that he's making more work for himself, not you, by shoving things back in the drawer when they need to be washed? I realise that this is a bit of a challenge and that there are obvious drawbacks, but at 11/12 he's old enough to realise that you shouldn't be the only one doing stuff to make sure that everyone in the household has clean clothes.

How do you restrict access to the phone? Physically taking it off him or parental controls that he doesn't know how to circumvent. How about access to the phone being conditional on not getting such reports from school and on actually helping with laundry eg carrying it all down and putting it in the machine and also getting it out and putting it in the appropriate place (hanging to dry, putting it away if dry for example). Rewards for this also to require dirty stuff not being back in drawers and random checks?

My DS1 is my firstborn and also a year 7, so will be watching this thread with interest. Good luck.

TigerMummy1 · 03/12/2018 18:40

I have pastoral responsibility for this age group in a school. When asked the advice we give is to work with us not against us (which it sounds like you are, but you'd be surprised how many don't) and if your child has a detention then speak with them about their behaviour but don't "double punish" unless it is either a) really serious, e.g. if online bullying it would be worth a ban from internet or b) repeated (which it sounds like it is) in which case the detention isn't working and back up is needed. When the student thinks detentions are "a laugh" we get parents in and discuss and agree an alternative sanction that might work better (e.g. removal of gaming device)

Malaco · 03/12/2018 19:03

I wouldn't for forgetting things or one offs, but I would for repeatedly disrupting other children's learning and thinking detentions were a laugh.

IggityZiggityZoom · 03/12/2018 19:08

I'd absolutely back the school up. I wouldn't for something like being disorganised but for disrupting a class and being disrespectful I would. And I'd make it clear the consequences would be getting harsher if it happened again. I also wouldn't stand being talked at for 20 minutes. That in itself would make the sanction more severe. If he got out of the seat and he wasn't on fire or about to be sick then that's all I need to know. I wouldn't let him wind himself up "justifying". He needs to own his behaviour.

Jackshouse · 03/12/2018 19:10

Ex secondary teacher here. If it was my child I would contact his form tutor and ask them to fins out how he is doing in school. In the school I worked in it would be the norm to ask for a number from 1 to 4 for behaviour and effort and any appropriate comments. IF the answers were not good, I would want a meeting with the form tutor and my child so my child knew that we were working together and that this would not be tolerated. I would also want him on report.

Swipe left for the next trending thread