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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask FIL to stop helping out dd so much?

48 replies

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 10:16

Dd (age 14) goes to a school about 20 miles and two towns away - she gets the coach. Obviously, with it being so far away, if she forgets something I can’t just drop it at the school for her - it would take me at least two hours there and back in the morning traffic, and I work so don’t have the time to do this.

My problem is that my FIL, who is retired and lives in the same town as us, is willing to do this. He absolutely adores dd (which I have no problem with - it’s lovely!) and if she forgets anything important like her folder with homework in it or her violin for orchestra practice, she texts FIL and he instantly drives to our house to pick it up and then drives it to the school.

My problem with this is that I think it’s preventing dd from growing up and taking responsibility for actually remembering things - FIL making this 2 hour round trip has become a weekly, sometimes twice-weekly occurrence. I also think it’s not great for FIL - Dd is taking advantage of him somewhat, as she knows that he’ll drop everything to spend two hours in the car if it helps her. He says he just likes to see her (we see him every weekend and at least twice during the week though, so it’s not like he’s starved of contact with her!)

Just this morning, for example, I had to leave the house before her as I had to travel to a course. I reminded her before I left to remember her violin as she has orchestra today. I texted her an hour ago to check she remembered it. She replied that she’d forgotten it, but FIL is bringing it in this afternoon.

Should I leave him to it as it seems to make him happy? Or should I tell him that if dd forgets something, then that’s her fault and she has to take the consequences?

OP posts:

Bbcbbcbbc · 03/12/2018 10:25

He’s stopping her from learning to remember things herself. You would definitely not be unreasonable to tell him to stop taking things to her.

Can you put a chart on the inside of your front door reminding her what items she needs each day so she can check she’s got them all before she leaves?

schopenhauer · 03/12/2018 10:26

Yeah I think he needs to stop this. It’s time for her to take responsibility. Twice weekly is crazy!! I would leave violin right by front door night before?

Cherries101 · 03/12/2018 10:29

He’s her grandad let him spoil her.

DurhamDurham · 03/12/2018 10:32

I think once in a while would be fine but your daughter is clearly taking advantage here. She clearly just doesn't want to carry her violin and knows her grandad will drop everything to deliver it to her. He sounds lovely but she is taking taking advantage of him, poor man.

SaucyJack · 03/12/2018 10:33

He isn’t doing her any favours at her age.

Can you try and suggest the two of them schedule in an afternoon treat at Starbucks once a week (or whatevs) if he’d like to spoil her?

Bbcbbcbbc · 03/12/2018 10:34

I would leave violin right by front door night before?

I’ve tried, but she’s still managed to forget it when it’s right next to the front door...

MrsJayy · 03/12/2018 10:34

She needs to learn to organise herself and you all need to help ime just leaving her to it won't work but a quick Dd have you got everything for tomorrow because grandad isn't dropping it off might work. Itsounds a regular thing you need to tell him you won't be giving him thing when he comes over and mean it.

Handsfull13 · 03/12/2018 10:37

He's allowed to spoil her but that's within reason and within what you'd allow as spoiling.
This isn't helping your daughter so I think you need to talk to him about it and see if he can understand where you are coming from. Ask him to stop doing it for a few weeks to see if she can improve and take responsibility for her own things.

Tell her you've asked him to stop so she learns to be responsible for remembering and learns to deal with the consequences for her actions.

See how that goes

BarbarianMum · 03/12/2018 10:38

I wouldnt be happy with this at all. The way your dd us treating her grandad is not kind and the way he's treating her (enabling her disorganisation) is not kind to ger in the long term either. Id be having a kind but firm word with them both. Alternatively you could fine your dd for every trip granddad makes and use the money to treat him to something nice as a thank you.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 03/12/2018 10:39

He needs to stop this.

How is she ever going to learn to remember these responsibilities if there is always someone willing to clean up after her

He won't be there forever to do it and what will her excuse be whne she's in full time employment?

MrsJayy · 03/12/2018 10:41

Yes he is stopping her having consequences so she just wafts about thinking its fiiinnne Grandad will do it!

GemmeFatale · 03/12/2018 10:45

I’d borrow grandad’s key for some reason or other, just for long enough to break that habit

ClickyJoints · 03/12/2018 10:45

Sit down with dd and have a chat with her. Explain that rushing out of the door in the morning without spending 30 seconds double checking she has everything needed results in her taking up 2 hours of someone else's time which is actually quite a selfish thing to do. Come up with ways together with which she can be more organised - can you have a whiteboard in the hallway on which she can write a checklist for the week? Or get all her stuff ready the night before? Etc. Ask if the issue is that she doesn't want to take her violin on the bus and carry it, or if she's genuinely forgetting it. I'm not sure if FIL would be willing to give her a lift into school on orchestra days - but if he is then at least they get to chat in the car and spend some quality time together.

FrancisCrawford · 03/12/2018 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenTimesTwo · 03/12/2018 11:00

Surely this could be solved instantly by PIL not having a key to your house?

CalamityJane10 · 03/12/2018 11:04

What a lovely grandad!

I think they are both U - mainly your DD for taking advantage - but I love the fact that he will do this for her.

KurriKurri · 03/12/2018 11:15

Grandad sounds lovely, and I imagine he finds it very hard to refuse her anything.

The person who needs talking to is your DD, tell her she has to organize her stuff the night before, put it all ready for the next day, and that if she forgets something, she is not to phone anyone to bring it in, especially not Grandad. Tell her how selfish this is expecting him to be at her beck and call - it is rude and entitled.

He may say he likes doing it, but it is not a good situation and as you say it is stopping her taking responsibility for her own stuff.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/12/2018 11:24

Agree that he needs to stop - pandering to her now is preventing her from learning from her mistakes. It isn't a kindness - it's unkind because it's preventing her from growing up.

mamaslatts · 03/12/2018 11:29

Is she taking advantage of him? Maybe. In some ways it sounds like it works for both of them. She enjoys having a Grandad who clearly would do anything for her and he enjoys feeling wanted. Perhaps have a word with grandad and express your concern that he's doing all these long trips but if he really doesn't mind then I would be inclined to leave them to it. I suspect this won't go on forever and your daughter will stop of her own accord. Perhaps at the moment she just feels she needs a bit of attention?

oohyoudevilyou · 03/12/2018 11:39

My childrens' secondary school don't allow parents to bring in anything that's been forgotten, as they prefer them to experience the natural consequences of being disorganised. I would imagine this excludes vital medication, but I think it's a good idea. Your FiL isn't helping her to learn to plan and organise her life.

Ragaroo · 03/12/2018 11:43

I would actually punish her. Lucky DD having a pushover grandad!!
I would calculate the cost of his fuel and keep a running total on the fridge, then take this off her allowance/Xmas gifts.
If she left the house before me I would lock up the violin or homework somewhere until I get home (or take it with me to work!)
Your FIL should respect what you say. If she continues this way she'll never learn, so sorry if I seem harsh but tough love all the way!

mumlost1940 · 03/12/2018 11:43

It's unhealthy. At 14, thoughtless dd is taking advantage of her Grandfather. What if he is injured or dies on one these errands? Cue: Violins....

SisyphusDad · 03/12/2018 11:44

Same as Devil. My DS's school made it very clear that we are not to bring forgotten things in to them.

seventhgonickname · 03/12/2018 11:50

Funny how she never forgets her phone.
You need to talk to DD she is being selfish and taking advantage of him.

FrostyMoanyWind · 03/12/2018 12:00

I think it's also not good for her. What would she say if you suggest that for every two hours he spends taking things to her, she has to help him with chores for 2 hours?

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