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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask FIL to stop helping out dd so much?

48 replies

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 10:16

Dd (age 14) goes to a school about 20 miles and two towns away - she gets the coach. Obviously, with it being so far away, if she forgets something I can’t just drop it at the school for her - it would take me at least two hours there and back in the morning traffic, and I work so don’t have the time to do this.

My problem is that my FIL, who is retired and lives in the same town as us, is willing to do this. He absolutely adores dd (which I have no problem with - it’s lovely!) and if she forgets anything important like her folder with homework in it or her violin for orchestra practice, she texts FIL and he instantly drives to our house to pick it up and then drives it to the school.

My problem with this is that I think it’s preventing dd from growing up and taking responsibility for actually remembering things - FIL making this 2 hour round trip has become a weekly, sometimes twice-weekly occurrence. I also think it’s not great for FIL - Dd is taking advantage of him somewhat, as she knows that he’ll drop everything to spend two hours in the car if it helps her. He says he just likes to see her (we see him every weekend and at least twice during the week though, so it’s not like he’s starved of contact with her!)

Just this morning, for example, I had to leave the house before her as I had to travel to a course. I reminded her before I left to remember her violin as she has orchestra today. I texted her an hour ago to check she remembered it. She replied that she’d forgotten it, but FIL is bringing it in this afternoon.

Should I leave him to it as it seems to make him happy? Or should I tell him that if dd forgets something, then that’s her fault and she has to take the consequences?

OP posts:

SelpMeGod · 03/12/2018 12:03

I live a 5 minute drive from school but do not take anything in that has been forgotten. Result being they haven't ever forgotten anything.

School bag is packed night before and if it can't go in the bag they leave themselves a post it note on the front door.

It isn't teaching her anything except to rely on her Grandad. Our school, like others, wants children to remember things and experience the consequence if they forget.

Wolfiefan · 03/12/2018 12:04

You can ask him not to. Or you can issue a consequence everytime she forgets something. She needs to learn to organise herself.

mumlost1940 · 03/12/2018 12:13

This is abuse and you need help. Seek it from Women's Aid. A recent new law protects people like you. Act now.

Quartz2208 · 03/12/2018 12:25

Im surprised the school allows it (and for her to text you) so I think you need to speak to all 3

Her to take responsibilty
The school to stop taking things late
Your FIL

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/12/2018 12:31

Does she have a phone?
She can sit down and create a calendar which will ping her a reminder at 8am every Tuesday 'violin'

It's lovely that she has a helpful DGP but she does need to take a bit more personal responsibility. Also if she comes to rely on him, there will be days when he can't just up and deliver for her cos he's already doing something else

llangennith · 03/12/2018 12:51

I'd love to have had a grandpa like him. I'd love it if my DC had had grandparents like him. He's not stopping your DD from growing up or taking responsibility for herself, she'd probably be just as disorganised if he didn't help her out.

She's not taking advantage of him if he's happy enough to do it. If you put a stop to it it may harm their lovely relationship.
Maybe you feel guilty that he's the one helping her as you can't?

BarbarianMum · 03/12/2018 13:03

Just because he's happy enough to do it llangennith doesnt mean shes not taking him for granted and treating him poorly. Is that how you treat the people you love and respect?

bigKiteFlying · 03/12/2018 13:06

I don't think it is helpful behaviour.

I do occasionally when I can take thing in if they are needed and have been forgotten but it's made clear I'm not pleased and expect it to to happen again- but I can't always and it's often when I can't that they tend to remember better in future.

What happenend when he can't - or if he gets to ill - getting in habit of doing basic checks before leaving the house is a useful habit - one my disorgaised Ds at 11 and my youngets at 9 have mastered.

I second having consquences for her.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 03/12/2018 13:10

Awwww he sounds lovely what a lucky DD to have such a great grandad. I think you're right thought he shouldn't be enabling her and she shouldn't ask him to make such a long journey every week. Can you just speak to DD and put a stop to it that way?

Limensoda · 03/12/2018 13:18

He sounds lovely.
Your DD needs a wake up call and consequences for forgetting stuff. She is taking advantage of his love and kindness which is not a nice trait.
You need to tell her not to text her granddad and if she forgets something take the consequences with the schools reaction to that.
Your FiL is not at fault here.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/12/2018 13:31

Teaching to remember stuff she needs for school is not cruel.
You're encouraging her to develop a crucial life skill

minisoksmakehardwork · 03/12/2018 13:55

How many other grandchildren are there? My dad would drop everything for my eldest niece. Not so much the others. It was definitely noticed as they got older.

skybluee · 03/12/2018 13:59

There are no consequences to forgetting which is why she keeps forgetting.

If she forgets her violin but then has to miss orchestra practice etc then it would sink in and she wouldn't want to forget it in the future.

It would teach her important lessons so I'd definitely change this set up.

MoggEatMoggWorld · 03/12/2018 14:10

She’s not forgetting it, she just can’t be arsed carrying it all day until her afternoon lesson. She’s doing it on purpose.

puzzledlady · 03/12/2018 14:10

She’s taking advantage of him - she needs to be told.

MaMaMaMySharona · 03/12/2018 14:35

mumlost1940 eh?

Original poster

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 14:37

How many other grandchildren are there?

FIL has three other grandchildren besides dd (who is an only child) but they all live 4+ hours away, so he can’t help them out as easily.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 14:46

Surely this could be solved instantly by PIL not having a key to your house?

That’s not really an option for us - we live 10 minutes apart and are really really close. He comes round all the time. He’s helped us so much over the years, and saved us a fortune in childcare when dd was younger, so I could never ask him to give back his key.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 14:50

I'm not sure if FIL would be willing to give her a lift into school on orchestra days - but if he is then at least they get to chat in the car and spend some quality time together.

That is a good idea and FIL would without a doubt be more than willing!

The only issue is that he’d probably enjoy it so much that he’d try to persuade us not to bother paying for the school coach so he could take her every day. So he’d end up spending even more time driving!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainbowrebs · 03/12/2018 14:59

My childrens' secondary school don't allow parents to bring in anything that's been forgotten, as they prefer them to experience the natural consequences of being disorganised.

Dd’s school is in the middle of the countryside surrounded by fields, so it’s less ‘bounded off’ then many other schools.

They’re encouraged to go for walks around the grounds at break and lunchtime, and there’s nothing stopping any pupil from walking out to the car park at any time to meet a parent or grandparent.

So dd just meets FIL there - the violin doesn’t get passed over to her through the school office.

OP posts:

jeanne16 · 03/12/2018 15:01

I should think he really loves feeling useful. Your DD is very lucky.

billybagpuss · 03/12/2018 15:19

Honestly I think everything everyone has said is absolutely spot on, she needs to learn to remember things and that she's taking advantage. You probably need to have a quiet chat with both of them ie FIL please stop helping her so much she needs to learn.

However, I know now that my parents are getting older they are desperate to still feel useful and needed and wanted. When we told them we were getting Billypup her first reaction was 'but I'm not fit enough to help you now'

Have the chats, but don't stress about it too much as long as FIL isn't feeling taken advantage he probably needs this.

Figlessfig · 03/12/2018 16:02

We were coming back from holiday, and my stepdad had arranged to pick us up. Then a friend texted that he was going to be close to our airport anyway, and he would pick us up.

So, I thought, that’s a win for stepdad. He doesn’t like driving in the dark much. Called him and explained. He was really nice on the phone.

Next day DM tells me that, night before, stepdad was really upset and was crying (unheard of) because he felt rejected.

He also picks up my kids from school, spends time with them every day. I or my husband collect the kids, so one of us sees him and DM every weekday.

You know what? I’d let them get on with it. DD is a CF* but is also providing a source of entertainment to DGF.

Older people are often lonely and feel ignored. And they don’t “want to be a burden”, so they don’t always tell you how they are feeling.

Lift on orchestra days is a brilliant idea.

*OP, I’m sorry I called your DD a CF. But she totally is.

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