DH's behaviour

[smallpersonwrangler]

Posting for unbiased opinions. I'll be showing this thread to him whatever the responses.

I had a baby 12 weeks ago and we have a 2.5 year old. I'm a sahm, he works full time. He is generally a great, loving and hands on Dad.

I have never been one to leave my babies when they are small. I don't judge those who do but I just don't feel the need. With my first, people went on and on at me (along the lines of 'you need a break') so much I did end up going on a night out when she was 7 weeks and again at about 12 ish weeks I think too. I didn't enjoy it and didn't want to go. We're surrounded by people who go out without their babies when they are tiny and my DH thinks is odd that I don't.

Anyway I've organised a night out for next weekend. Nothing excessive just dinner and a few drinks with friends I'm really looking forward to it. Baby will be nearly 14 weeks, is bottle fed now so should be fine and toddler will be in bed long before I go out. Am leaving them with their Dad.

This is where I need opinions. Because I'm not happy with his behaviour and it's making me doubt whether I should go and leave the baby with him and me actually saying that has made him very, very upset with me. Also he says I'm just making excuses not to go out and being a control freak not letting him deal with the baby in his way. I'll explain.

As I said he's a great Dad. He adores our children, he's very hands on and he spends as much time at home as he can. However. He just cannot deal with the baby whinging and crying in the evenings. He was the same with our first.

When I say he cannot deal with it specifically what I mean is he will make sure the baby is fed, clean, winded etc. Then he'll cuddle and rock to try to get to sleep BUT after a while when it doesn't work he starts to get annoyed. He'll huff and puff and say things angrily like 'for fucks sake baby, go to sleep' or 'what is fucking wrong with this kid!' Or 'please just go to fucking sleep!' but between his gritted teeth in a really horrible angry way. Sometimes for example if the baby spits up repeatedly and he has to change multiple outfits he'll end up chucking clothes across the floor in temper. That sort of thing. Baby has reflux (she's medicated and it's under control) and evenings have always been our tricky time. She is a grizzly bum in the evenings at the moment. Otherwise baby is really quite easy. She's sleeping through already so no excuse of being super sleep deprived like the early days or anything although he has been busier at work than normal.

He would never hurt our children. I am sure of that. He has never been violent towards me in nearly a decade of being together, he's not a violent or aggressive person. However this sort of behaviour when they baby is whingy in the evening really upsets me, I find it absolutely horrible and completely unacceptable. When I tell him that it always escalates into a row. I try to take the baby from him when he's like that and he usually refuses to hand her over, saying 'no, you need to let me settle her, I can't just give her to you all the time'. I rather take her and settle her myself nicely than let her go to sleep with him hissing in her ear.

I get that it's frustrating - it frustrates the life out of me when I've been running after a toddler all day and the baby won't settle long enough at night for us to eat dinner and chill for half hour. But that's life with a small baby- you just have to suck it up and get on with it! I'm not perfect, I've been known to mutter the odd 'FFS' under my breath. It's hard. But not this horrible, borderline aggressive behaviour.

This is the only time he's like it. He has improved a bit since we've fallen out over it numerous times but he's still doing it and it's making me not want to leave her with him next weekend. I can't bear the thought of not being here to comfort her and take over if he gets all cross.

Thoughts? What would you do?

Most of us will mutter ffs under our breaths now and again with dc. However hissing it, directing ‘fucking’ in any shape or form isn’t on. Infact it’s awful, and NOT the sign of a good parent. We have all struggled with a baby that won’t settle but mostly after weeks and weeks of it, not every single time.

I wouldn’t go out if he can’t hold his temper, and ends up throwing clothes around. I say temper as this is what it is, frustration is one thing but swearing at a 12 week old child is simply unacceptable behaviour.

You say he is a perfectionist, I say that he is controlling. When he has not got control of the situation he becomes angry. I would never, ever leave any of my 4 kids with ANYBODY that reacts that way around them.

Honestly- parents shake their babies. I bet very few of those parents set out to do it. For most part they are relatively normal people. It's more likely that a parent that was unable to control their temper when faced with a screaming baby. It starts with the skinny end of the wedge and only gets worse. He clearly has issues and so no . I would not leave my baby with somebody that is unable to control their mood when faced with a screaming baby.

OP. This is serious, please listen and act. Some people suffer with a kind of psychological disorder which means they cannot mentally deal with a baby whinging or crying. I don't know the name of it (please - any psychologists speak up) but it means that the sufferers reaction to a crying or whining stimulus is much more strong and extreme than for a normal person. I think it's s bit akin to people that cannot handle crunching and eating sounds. I think you and your partner should look into this very urgently. Swearing and hissing and saying 'fuck' are very extreme stress reactions that are utterly inappropriate and CANNOT continue. He needs help - CBT or therapy via GP referral. He might not be as far away from a much regretted strike or lashing out as you think if nothing is done about this.

How you can say he's a "great dad" is beyond me.

I'm quite surprised at the responses you're getting, OP. Lots of us find small babies frustrating and people have different ways of expressing that. I get that babies pick up on small behavioural cues, tone of voice, etc, and in consequence a lot of us find/have found that our desperation to settle a fretful baby can become counterproductive. All this says to me is that your DH is in lots of good enough company. I'm just not seeing this controlling monster pp seem to see.

I try to take the baby from him when he's like that and he usually refuses to hand her over, saying 'no, you need to let me settle her, I can't just give her to you all the time'.

In particular, I think this is really positive. Dads who let mums do all the settling and soothing and then claim 'you're better with DC than me' usually come in for a right kicking on MN for being lazy and devolving responsibility. I think you are in danger of undermining this actually.

I wouldn't be leaving him alone with baby either. Even in our NCT classes we were told if we felt ourselves getting stressed or angry the best thing to do is put baby somewhere safe and take a breather. It's never going to help the situation getting angry, they will just sense it make them more upset.

I would not leave my baby with somebody that is unable to control their mood when faced with a screaming baby.

This, sorry. And I'm pretty relaxed when it comes to my children. But babies being shaken is a thing and there's no coming back from it once it's happened.

Also (and I've had to point this out to my DH as well), the 2.5yo will be picking up on all of this and most likely mimicking it before long. You/your DH might think that won't happen or that he doesn't hear it or that it only happens when your toddler is out of the room, but I can promise you that it won't be long before you hear the toddler swearing softly at the baby or at a doll or other toy. Children copy everything we do.

Good job that you can deal with your baby's crying then Op!

Still, he was like it with the first, so you can't be surprised.

I hope you can get some help OP. He needs to act. If he doesn't he's risks completely losing it. Reflux is very very testing for even the most sedate of parents - it goes on and on. I used to have to have a drink to steady my nerves before the evening reflux session, puking and mopping always followed - I don't know who cried more - me or the baby?! 😁
Does he want his toddlers first words to be "fucking hell" hissed into his ear ....,they are little parrots that repeat everything. He would only have himself to blame. He needs to seek help asap.

To Smallpersonwrangler's DH: You are the one who needs to calm the fuck down, not your little baby, ffs.

You are the grown-up, and you need to calm down. Your aggression & rage will communicate themselves to your DC. Do you really want your child to grow up scared of you? Worried at some deep level that if they kick off, you will respond with barely-repressed violence & aggression, and rage?

It's your responsibility to learn & develop techniques for patience and calmness. Perhaps learn some breathing or mindfulness techniques for a start?

He sounds like a dangerous person. I know this sounds dramatic, but I'm not saying this lightly.

I should say our toddler never hears him swear or be cross. She is in bed and asleep long before. NOT that this makes it ok, but just as an aside.

Baby has been like this since birth at night except for a handful of nights. So it has been weeks and weeks of it. Again, not excusing it but giving more detail. He's got much better but a couple of nights a week he still gets like this and I hate it.

I would not leave a tiny, fragile baby alone with a man who you know gets aggressive with her.

Babies get shaken to death.
A tiny newborn died recently with multiple injuries caused by an adult man.

I think you should get to go out though, but you can't leave your Dh unsupervised. I would ask grandparents to come over or even a babysitter.

Let him sulk and ‘not talk’ to you. You’ve pointed out his poor behaviour. He’s defensive and entrenched and it’s your fault according to him. Him saying “no leave me to it” when you try to intervene is him simple laying the groundwork for this to be him being useless with the baby because you are a control freak never let him do it and dd doesn’t know him. He sounds like he has a childish and immature anger response and needs to seek help. Don’t leave the baby with him. He can’t be trusted. You don’t trust him and he heeds to address that HUGE issue between you :(

I told him the other day I cannot sit by and listen to it, that I'm a mother and I'm programmed to step and and help if my baby is distressed

If I were a father and you said that to me I would be massively hurt. I think both mothers and fathers are programmed to help a distressed baby, so you saying that would really rub salt into the wound.

However it does sound like he finds dealing with your crying baby harder than you. It may be best not to leave him in sole charge of the baby just yet.

We had a very difficult crying baby, and I know neither of us could have managed an evening on our own with the baby for those first few months. For that mercifully short but very difficult period we got a tiny glimpse into why people might batter a much loved baby.

No, No, No! You say he has never been aggressive but is that because you were there for your 1st every night to control the situation? The stories you hear about parents just cracking and shaking the baby to stop them crying etc. It only takes one night of you not being there, personally I wouldn't risk it.

He, as a husband and a father needs to step up and get help. YANBU BUT you are by allowing this to continue night on night. I'm not saying I don't think it is fixable or that he isn't the best dad in maybe every other way but No, No, No!

Nope. Don't leave her with him. And he is not a "great dad."

I think if you're a good parent you welcome feedback. Yes, it's really hard when you are both struggling to deal with a very small child. But, my partner, who had two children before I met him said that something I was doing wasn't quite right. Part of me felt really hurt by this. But the other part of me thought about the baby. I thought he was right and that he was speaking from a good place and that I needed to take what he said on board.

I think if there is a choice between defending your partner and defending your baby, it needs to be the baby. Every time.

I’d be uncomfortable with that too. He sounds nice in ther ways but for some reas hes close to losing control when very young babies cry.

And no matter how lovely he is beyond that, this barely suppressed anger at such a vulnerable age is too risky to over look.

Shaken babies don’t just happen to evil abuser in drug filled rages. Baby’s can get badly injured, or worse, in seconds, by someone it like your partner. Someone who isn’t an evil person but someone who can’t control himself when the 12 week old wot stop crying, and crying, and crying... and it takes less than a second for him to use snap. And he will regret that moment for the rest of his life, but it won’t undo the brain damage, or death of an innocent, vulnerable, defenseless tiny baby.

Sorry to write any of that, but that’s why I’d be worried about his reactions to his tiny baby.

The way he refuses to discuss it, and refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong about the way he behaves, that adds to my worry. Because he’s not going to deal with it if he’s busy pretending there’s no ‘it’ to deal with.

He knows he has anger towards the baby and refuses to deal with it. Most people get frustrated but actively learn techniques to cope.

I would get someone else round to mind the baby with him. If he won't acknowledge there is an issue then he isn't safe to be left alone.

If he gets a dry or aggressive with you regarding this I would be very concerned.

Whilst I agree that your DH needs to work on staying calm with a crying baby, I think there’s probably a middle ground here and struggling with a newborn doesn’t make you a controlling monster. I wonder if he feels completely bonded with her yet as perhaps this is causing additional frustration?

With regard to your night out, if you want to go then I’d arrange for a parent or friend to pop round and help out, but you shouldn’t feel pressured to go out if you don’t want to!

Swearing at an innocent child weeks old does not a good dad make. Baby’s can pick up on anger and may get frightened .I wouldn’t go OP I really wouldn’t and I think he needs to see his GP

I would not go out and leave the baby with him. My DH was not very hands on but had a very demanding job and usually spent 70 hrs a week at work. He too became frustrated with the babies demands but never ever said anything like that. DH just resigned himself to the situation and slept when he could.

Who would swear at a baby. Its wrong.

You need to get him to watch that Baby World programme that was on BBC2 last week. No child, even one of that age, should be victim to that kind of aggression. It's absolutely not ok.

Your baby has done nothing wrong, and I wouldn't leave her with someone like that.

Thanks for all the responses. We've had the discussion so many times here, with me saying 'this is not ok, it's upsets me, it needs to stop' and him saying that he's allowed to get frustrated. He is, I agree but the way he's communicating it isn't ok. Your responses have just confirmed this for me. Ive been left feeling like perhaps I'm at fault for saying anything when he's asked me not to interfere and actually it's not unreasonable for me to do so.

I will be showing him this thread when he gets in from work.

I don't agree that he's a controlling monster etc. We have a good relationship otherwise, and he is wonderful with the children with the exception of this one thing. I think he needs some assistance with dealing with frustration in this scenario and I've been and will continue to push for this.