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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to like being called a loser?

39 replies

swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 20:56

Things are far from perfect with husband but been trying to get things back on track.

He just took a toy off the 18 month old that he was having great fun with and declared bed time. No warning, no asking him to put it away, no niceness about it. DS started sobbing and ran after husband. He didn't say anything to him, didn't explain what was happening or try to console him (not that he should be consoled if he's throwing a strop but he's young and i want him to learn without getting angry and upset) husband didn't think anything of this and didn't like it when I said it's not a nice thing to do and why doesn't he speak to him instead of just letting him cry and be very upset. He wasn't happy when I said this, I tried to explain what I would have done. He said I don't need your advice (except he does coz he phones me every day at work to ask what to do/where things are etc) and I said well that's a silly thing to say coz we always need advice when it comes to parenting. I was then told, shut up you're a loser. Not joking. Not funny. Just pure nasty.

This on top of everything else is just so hurtful. What am I meant to say or do about this? Iv asked him to sort out counselling but he won't phone them and won't agree to it if I do it. Yet he says I have control and power issues..... I'm so hurt by this and I'm totally lost as to what to do.

AIBU, was it ok to say? Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
lippy72 · 02/12/2018 20:58

yAnbu
It sounds like he has issues you have asked him to get help with his problems and he won't and now he is lashing out at you and your 18 month old verbally ... not right !

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 20:58

I'm trying not to drop feed but if I was to discuss our issues I'd be here all night. Basically we bicker and don't see eye to eye. I think I'm trying. He doesn't but I don't think he is trying at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:00

Thanks lippy. I just don't get it. He admitted that if he does bed time and I'm not here he just leaves DS to cry, I don't like cry it out but at 18m I let him cry for a certain time or unless I think he's very upset unreasonably but to think he's just sitting downstairs and ignoring him while he sobs really hurts me.

OP posts:
HippoEvans · 02/12/2018 21:01

YANBU - maybe he’s a bit stressed out at the moment

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 21:03

What are you looking for here op? You know this isn't ok. Neither his treatment Of his child or you.

If he won't attempt to address it, then you need to leave and not have this man bring up your child. He doesn't need to be abused as you are. He has no control no ability to leave, only you do.

So rhe question is, Will you leave?

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:04

Thanks hippo. Iv tried to discuss this with him. I knew he was busy in work so I let him stay late each day while I done pick up, dinner and bed. He basically got a week off from parenting and confirms everything is fine at work

I don't think he can handle to pressure of being a parent. They have great fun together but he doesn't seem capable of being a responsible AND a fun dad. I think that's what stresses him out which is why I try to help but he thinks it's criticism

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 21:05

maybe he’s a bit stressed out at the moment

WTAF?

Strongmummy · 02/12/2018 21:05

If he doesn’t WANT to change the situation and he refuses counselling then I think you need to leave. He sounds vile

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:06

Thanks blunt

I'm looking for confirmation this is not ok. Iv tried to discuss our issues with close friends who are female and friends of both of ours. They told me I was unreasonable (not about this, just the general fighting) that I was cruel for telling him I would leave and move back to my home country where my family are.

They said I'm expecting too much and need to stop with these threats - they aren't threats tho I'm at the end of my tether and if things don't improve I will leave and I'm informing him of this so he is fully aware of the picture. Please try to treat me better and agree to counselling or if you won't try I'll leave - this is a threat apparently. I'm so lost

OP posts:
JudasPrudy · 02/12/2018 21:08

He's a fucking terrible dad by the sounds of it, LTB and bring your son up in a happy home.

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:10

Judas I can't say he's a terrible dad coz it's not true but he could be better when it comes to mealtimes, dressing him appropriately and addressing behaviour.

I am a perfectionist and I try my hardest. I only expect him to try his hardest and in these departments I don't think he does try. He's lazy and is too used to being lifted and laid then doesn't like it when I tell him what is required of him

OP posts:
Fatasfook · 02/12/2018 21:12

He’s a prick and teaching your son to be one too. Flee

eggncress · 02/12/2018 21:22

Yanbu. If he’s had chances and he won’t do anything to improve his treatment of you and ds then you will have to leave him. Assuming he is not the type to leave himself.
Once you make that decision, you need to just make your plans and go. No telling him in advance as that gives him a heads up and potentially puts you and ds at risk.

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:23

I think all these things too, he's a bad influence but I'm obv not getting my point across to my friends. I feel really alone and like a really bad person coz I'm the one that seems to be instigating this.

I do moan, I do nag but I don't think I do more than a 'normal' wife. He doesn't do much round the house unless asked. He will generally tidy but not everything, he will surface clean but only some things. Won't deep clean a bathroom unless I stamp my foot and I do make him do it coz its bathroom and I clean my own! I don't ask him to clean the way I do or to the extent I clean but I do expect higher standards from him. I have to nag him to change the bed. I do all these things all the time and without being asked but it pisses me off having to do it all the time. I don't want to be a nag!!

OP posts:
Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:24

Egg it's just not that easy. I'd have to leave my job and move country. I wish it was easier.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 21:52

The laziness round rhe house would concern me less than the abuse. I really don't understand how your friends think you should just take it. That's very odd. You need some new friends.

eggncress · 02/12/2018 21:58

I know it’s not easy or simple to leave,OP. It’s difficult, stressful and challenging. But rewarding also. Many of us here have been through the process of leaving abusive relationships.

All I’m saying, really, is that he’s very unlikely to change. Can you put up with another 20years of this?

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 21:59

I know I'm not perfect and not I'm worried I have a warped opinion of how things are.

We spent some time at a friends house and they said that I was a bit rude to him and were surprised I made a joke about the state of or marriage and thought that was hurtful. He was on best behaviour and putting on a show for them as it's usually him making cheeky remarks. They didn't see him growling at me in the middle of the night for coming to bed tipsy - even tho I didn't want the baby and it was my bday so I'd had a few.

Iv spent this weekend trying to make things nice for DS, getting the tree up and including husband but he's snapped so quickly at me and had a go on 3 occasions that Iv let go but mentioned to him so he knows it's not very nice and he did agree it was out of order. Tonight was the final straw for me. I'm so fed up

OP posts:
Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 22:01

Omg my typos are horrendous. I now have a warped opinion. Not not.

I of course want the baby. I meant wake the baby!

OP posts:
loubluee · 02/12/2018 22:08

Parenting is about working together. Just to give you my real life example this weekend.

I’ve a lot of experience when it comes to de-escalation skills etc, as I’ve spent 10 years training it! However, I’m fighting a battle with my teen at the moment, and all I know has gone out of the window.

Exdp sat me down yesterday and said this is where you are going wrong and this is what you need to do instead. I could have easily said no I’m the one with all the experience. Instead I said my way isn’t working I will try what you said. (And actually it has worked today!)

And this is what parenting should be. Working together, listening to each other and working the same. Sorry if I’m missed it, but does he undermine you?

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 22:17

I totally agree Lou.

Yes he does, perhaps without meaning too tho. If I say, suggest or ask for something to be done/not done in a certain way he it does feel like he goes out his way to do the opposite. For example last night DS fell and bumped his head on the tiled floor (he's fine) as husband went against my advice of picking DS up instead of letting him walk on the wet floor..... I was so enraged that DS fell and it was because he done the opposite that I had asked. He's like a child. It's so upsetting but he will deny he undermines me or does things like this. He brushes everything off and says I make a big deal do everything but that's because he belittled everything I say

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 22:26

Op. You're not happy. It doesn't matter if hes rude or you are. Maybe you both are. The bottom line is you're not happyin your relationship and it isn't going to get better only worse.

So instead of all this sniping at each other, maybe it is time for you both to sit down and talk. Properly talk. About where to go from here as it's not working,

I've been with my husband a long time. 29 years.,since I was 20. And we have said some awful things in anger,,when mid argument. But neither of us would simply turn to thr other and say shut up, you're a loser. It's horrible, and shows his feelings for you are the same as your feelings for him.

So it's time to deal with it, before you get too old,,too jaded,and can't start again,

lippy72 · 02/12/2018 22:36

I had an ex who used to do this we would bicker when together and they would gaslight so that when we were in company I was the one who looked unreasonable !

Original poster
swimminggala52 · 02/12/2018 22:36

It's like you can read my mind. If I leave now I'm young enough to start again and have a chance at being happy Sad

Iv told him I'm willing to try if he wants to. That's why Iv stayed this long. He said he wanted to try and agreed to counselling then changed his mind 'coz I was boring him' so Iv told him to have a think and make his mind up. All he needs to do is call and we can have an appointment that week but he's avoided it and played happy families until his nastiness comes out every few hours then I crack up.

OP posts:
loubluee · 02/12/2018 22:43

Do you think he can change? I think that’s the main question.

Your ds is at the stage that he’s like a little sponge absorbing everything that’s going on. Obviously he’s too little to understand at the moment. But the time will come where mummy says he can’t do something but daddy says he can, and vice versa. You will have a little boy who’s confused about what is right or wrong, what he’s allowed to do or not. Obviously the outcome will be behaviour, not because he’s naughty but because he’s confused.

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