Not to like being called a loser?

[swimminggala52]

Things are far from perfect with husband but been trying to get things back on track.

He just took a toy off the 18 month old that he was having great fun with and declared bed time. No warning, no asking him to put it away, no niceness about it. DS started sobbing and ran after husband. He didn't say anything to him, didn't explain what was happening or try to console him (not that he should be consoled if he's throwing a strop but he's young and i want him to learn without getting angry and upset) husband didn't think anything of this and didn't like it when I said it's not a nice thing to do and why doesn't he speak to him instead of just letting him cry and be very upset. He wasn't happy when I said this, I tried to explain what I would have done. He said I don't need your advice (except he does coz he phones me every day at work to ask what to do/where things are etc) and I said well that's a silly thing to say coz we always need advice when it comes to parenting. I was then told, shut up you're a loser. Not joking. Not funny. Just pure nasty.

This on top of everything else is just so hurtful. What am I meant to say or do about this? Iv asked him to sort out counselling but he won't phone them and won't agree to it if I do it. Yet he says I have control and power issues..... I'm so hurt by this and I'm totally lost as to what to do.

AIBU, was it ok to say? Am I overreacting?

That's exactly it lou. He's setting the tone already coz he won't work as a team. I feel like I have a teenager in the house too and it's not a role I chose!

I think he can change, I think he has it in him to be nice and more considerate. Ultimately he is selfish and that's the biggest problem we have coz he can't admit it. I know my faults and I'm really trying to work on them but it's very one sided at the minute.

He basically has the life of it and I think that most of my 'moaning' is warranted because he chooses to act like a child but I think we're in a vicious circle of all this now.

And with regards DS behaviour I already see problems. Husband cracks up when we are out and he can't control DS but that's coz husband chases him and doesn't teach him to walk nice and hold hands or gives in to his demands. He does behave better for me as he knows his limits but I want to say for the record that I am also a fun parent! I do more fun activities with him that he really enjoys whereas husband just carries on with him and tickles and chases. Not that that's not fun. I just wanted to get that out there coz I'm not a dragon even tho I feel like I'm painted to be one

Leave him. Go as far away from him as you can and bring up your son in the loving way you want to. Your husband sounds very unkind. Don't waste your time trying to make him a better father, in the meantime your son is suffering.

We are.only seeing one side. I'm guessing your friends know you and your partner well. Not sure why your not taking their advice over a bunch of internet strangers.

And.if you do keep threatening him with leaving your whole relationship will.competely.crumble - been there/done that

Sounds like you both need to make changes if your relationship is going to last. He doesn't sound pleasant but you sound a bit controlling.

I think the hardest thing is to admit at first what’s wrong, especially when it’s your own behaviour. So you admitting that you can be controlling but you are taking steps to address this, is really positive. I think the next step is to get him to address his weaknesses.

Have you tried sitting down and saying we need to have a talk, and using a timer for you to both have your say without the other interrupting, no matter how unpleasant the things they say. Starting with ‘when you do X, this is how I feel’, ‘when you say X this is how I feel’.

There is a good exercise where you do this but sit back to back so you can not see each other’s faces when saying it. It sounds silly but it is very affective.

But lay down ground rules before you start- no shouting, no swearing, no name calling, no interrupting etc.

Only you know if you want to save your marriage or walk away. As a pp said, we are only hearing one side of the story. You dp’s side may be totally different!

All the waves I haven't discussed all the issues in full with them, it was a drunken chat in a bar with me ranting as I was pissed off. They have their own stuff going on and this has been going on for months. I don't want to bore them with it and I don't want to put them in an awkward position. I know they haven't heard the full story. Plus my husband cracks up when I discuss things with them.

Sweeney I'm genuinely interested to hear how you think I'm controlling? Any feedback can only be a good thing if you can advise?

Lou I am the only one that ever instigates talking. He won't do it. He will refuse to speak then have a rant at me, usually while walking out the door. Every conversation with him he has his back to me and pushes past me to leave the room. If I force the issue then he implies I'm abusive and controlling. My alternative is to be ignored for weeks. Neither are acceptable to me. This does sound very one sided but he will 100% not discuss things inna rational and calm way. His only feedback is to tell me I moan too much and I'm on his case. On a very good day he will admit that he can see why I moan i.e he knows he doesn't pull his weight enough and admits he is lazy. He constantly has his back up when I talk. I genuinely think he hates me and I'm so sick of living this way

The marriage is over, your relationship sounds toxic. Why not go to counselling on your own to explore ending the marraige and effectively coparenting.
Meanwhile disengage. You can't make him deep clean the bathroom or change the bed.

Handwringing gets you nowhere, make a bloody decision woman! The balls in your court not his because he’s made it abundantly clear that he won’t change.

I have sympathy with your friends watching this car crash of a relationship unfold and yes, your threats aren’t constructive because you don’t follow through. I have no idea where your home country is but going back there permanently with your son could land you in legal hot water (child abduction).

Stay or leave but enough with ‘if he would only....’ half arsed excuse to stay in an unsatisfactory relationship.

The balls in your court.

God what's the point? Sounds like hell. Get out OP before he gaslights you again

@swimming it comes across as though you are telling him how to do things rather than letting him do it his way. His standards are different to yours, neither right or wrong. That said he shouldn't be abusive towards you and to me it sounds like there are areas you both need to work on.

It sounds like he doesn't like being told what to do, eg you asked him to pick DS up off the wet tiled floor and he didn't, and DS fell. That's awful. Your DS suffered because he won't listen. I'd bail If I was in your situation. I mean how can you reason with someone who acts like this?

I can't reason with him and that's why I find it so hard. I want out coz it is toxic but I also want to have a happy life with the man I married and our son...... he won't make the decision to end or make the effort so as usual it's down to me.

Sweeney thank you, I appreciate it. I get most frustrated coz he won't make his own decisions, he expects me to do it but also gets annoyed because I tell him what to do at times. It's a horrible situations. Example this weekend, I bought a new shelf to replace one I don't like. Asked him to put it up, he was happy to do so. Asked me where I wanted it. Told him exactly where the old one is, unless he thought it wouldn't look right, or couldn't do that, said I trusted him and to do what he thought was best. He refuses to put it up until I have shown him exactly where I want it..... It's this type of inconsistency that gets me. He won't make his own decisions and when I make them for him he gets very annoyed and refuses to do it or discuss.