Parents who won't stick up for you

[volvicsummerfruits]

Prepared I may get flamed, I am an adult woman and slightly sensitive but posting for opinion

I was horribly abused by an ex partner and one of my parents has a particularly "non judgmental" attitude to everyone

For me I found this lack of loyalty or willingness to come to my defence really upsetting. I know in their heart it comes from a good place in their philosophy for life and they see themselves as a pacifist and peacemaker

I described it as saying you won't judge the bully so you will ignore the bullying

That's what it felt like to me

Am I just being silly to find it so hard or is it actually a bit shit to refuse to judge the ex or defend me? The ex could call them up today and have a chat if they fancied it... whereas I feel I can't even speak to them as there won't be any support there anyway as they refuse to be judgemental

I have had good support from others and sought counselling etc, but I find myself always having to explain to the counsellor why I don't get the backing of this parent in spite of the facts and evidence of what the ex was like to me

Your parents should stick up for you . It should come naturally to them.
My mother let her sister bully me when I was a child (and indeed to this day ) but I have told the old biddy Aunt where to go since .
I know now , as a mother myself, how wrong my mother was not to defend me .
I would not let my sister behave like that towards my children.

YANBU. Your parents should always be on your side, unless you've done something really awful. A lot of people have a victim-blaming mentality that won't let them admit that bad things happen to good people.

YANBU. There's a difference between not taking sides in an argument between two equal partners it's different when there's bullying and abuse involved.

Yanbu. I've been in the same position as you. Left an abusive relationship. He was charming to people's faces and horrible behind closed doors. When I finally left, which my parents encouraged me to do, they backtracked and tried to make me stay. I had absolutely no support. His family looked at me like I was scum for ending the relationship, whereas my family sat on the fence. He used to ring them up for supportive chats, despite the fact he had tried to ban me from seeing them and called them names. He was also doing it to carry in the abuse by digging for information and tracking my whereabouts. They even had him round for tea a couple of times. It made me so upset and angry!

What also stung was when my sister fell out with her DH and split up, my parents firmly sided with her and were very anti her DH, even though he hadn't done anything wrong as such.
It still hurts many years on.

YABU.

These are decisions you made as an adult, I presume

Why do grown adults seem adamant on blaming parents for things?

It is their philosophy on life . They aren't going against you as such. There comes a point when pple need to realise that parents have a right to being a person, too - and not just an extension of your own thoughts and feelings

Being non- judgemental is quite a beautiful and rare thing

Well done for getting out of the abusive relationship

I’m with you op. My parents (in particular my mum) always used to ask what I had done wrong when I was bullied at school, dumped by a boyfriend etc. I used to joke that someone would try and murder me her first response would be “what did you do to upset them that badly” it’s rubbish. But I won’t be that way with my children!

I get you, OP. When I was being badly bullied at school (which led to self-harming and suicidal ideation at age 14), my mum asked me what I had done to annoy the bullies. "Well, you must have done something to deserve it!".

Very different circumstances I know but I get where you're coming from.

Hoopla our posts are so similar!

Yes. Parents should be on their children's side normally. Mine were always a bit on the fence and didn't back me in the face of my sister's outrageous behaviour.

How do you stop it from bothering you? I know my parent doesn't intend to be nasty but it feels so hard

It's stuff like

Me: "I had to call the police today because ex did ... I'm really upset... "bursting into tears

Them: "I'm not going to judge them I've told you this before"

I am sure you can imagine how hard it is for a parent to hear that their grown up daughter is in this situation. It must break their heart

In physical terms, would you be better to move house, if this is an ongoing issue - is he still hounding you now?

I know you shouldn't have to move, but you cant live like this forever

Clearly from all the posts it is normal for parents to be as shit as the OP's and not automatically back their children regardless of their child's age.

Btw my parents never believed me unless they saw it happen to me themselves but then they would kick up a stink against that person.

I don't think my parents would be supportive if I broke up with my husband. Also, they live in terrible conditions while they "renovate" their house (it's been more than ten years now). As a result, I wouldn't be able to stay with them. I have no siblings and I do feel very alone sometimes. Thankfully, I love my husband very much and we are happy.

That's just it! It would break my heart...

It doesn't appear to be bothering them!

No I can't move tbh and I think I probably am now through the worst of it and it will hopefully just trail off. Things are in place. There's talk they may even be moving themselves.

YANBU

My mums response when I ended up in hospital after a beating from my ex - well you give as good as you get he is covered in scratches

No I didn’t and I couldn’t due to his strength I was the one suffering from concussion

But then my mum isn’t maternal towards me and never has been but it still hurts

I have extremely low contact with my mum, OP. Distance is the only thing that works for me. She'll never change: it's pathological.

Perhaps what is really upsetting you is that for all this parent says "I do not judge", he or she is judging -- you. Your pain and hurt and suffering is being judged unimportant.

Maybe next time you could try pointing that out? "Mum/Dad, you always say you won't judge, but can't you see that when you say that you're judging me, and telling me I'm not worth listening to?"

I hope that this sad story comes out right for you in the end.

I fear the OPs parents have misunderstood what judging means. To judge someone different from accepting what someone has done and holding them responsible. Even Christ, Buddha and Mohamed has things to say about those who transgressed. For example, If a child misbehaves, it is the parents responsibility to hold them accountable for their actions. This is not judging. The OPs family seem somewhat misguided.

I've tried that @AskingQuestionsAllTheTime I'm met with a wall of silence then told I'm wrong

But never told why I'm wrong. It just reverts back to "I won't judge like you want me to"

I agree with you OP. For me the natural feeling is to defend my children against anyone who hurts them.
But do you want them to judge your ex or do you simply want them to empathise with the horrible situation you're in?
I think it's possible for them to support you, to show they understand how difficult an experience it was, to just show love and caring for you, without judging. It doesn't sound like they do this though.
Next time they cut down the conversation with the not judging line could you steer them away from talk about your ex and ask them to focus on you?

Maybe your parents are very insecure and are people pleasers?
I'm not excusing their behaviour, its awful, but you shouldn't let it make you feel like it's you. It's not.
I've had a similar thing with my parents and as I've grown up I've found it's their issue not mine.
They're so desperate to be liked due to issues with their own upbringing, I love them but it's fucking pitiful.

"Being non- judgemental is quite a beautiful and rare thing"

But you should always judge actions and be prepared to say that are not right and acknowledge any suffering of the person who the behaviour has been directed at.

As said, that is the actions of Jesus, Nelson Mandela etc.

You can not judge someone because of their MH, Personality disorder, past etc, but you don't have to speak to them or mix with them. It becomes about protecting others.

OP, your Parents have let you down.

Is it your Mum, has she been trained to forgive all transgressions by Men?

"Me: "I had to call the police today because ex did ... I'm really upset... "bursting into tears
Them: "I'm not going to judge them I've told you this before"

I agree that they've got the meaning of judging very wrong.

They should be giving an option on how wrong his behaviour is, as I said.

They are a disgrace.

I'd be tempted to ask whether they would still be happy to chat to him if he'd killed you. And if not, where do they draw the line?

(Guessing they'd just say 'But he didn't')

As a parent my proudest moments were two times when I 100% backed dcs- both times at Parents evenings. There are rare opportunities, thank God, to go in all guns blazing on behalf of our children but when push comes to shove it has to be done.