Parents who won't stick up for you

[volvicsummerfruits]

Prepared I may get flamed, I am an adult woman and slightly sensitive but posting for opinion

I was horribly abused by an ex partner and one of my parents has a particularly "non judgmental" attitude to everyone

For me I found this lack of loyalty or willingness to come to my defence really upsetting. I know in their heart it comes from a good place in their philosophy for life and they see themselves as a pacifist and peacemaker

I described it as saying you won't judge the bully so you will ignore the bullying

That's what it felt like to me

Am I just being silly to find it so hard or is it actually a bit shit to refuse to judge the ex or defend me? The ex could call them up today and have a chat if they fancied it... whereas I feel I can't even speak to them as there won't be any support there anyway as they refuse to be judgemental

I have had good support from others and sought counselling etc, but I find myself always having to explain to the counsellor why I don't get the backing of this parent in spite of the facts and evidence of what the ex was like to me

YANBU! I still can't quite forgive my parent for a very similar situation

I’m sorry they’re not supportive @volvicsummerfruits

Believe me Jesus, I've asked!

It's not my mum. She is actually the one who does go in blazing unasked or winds herself up something chronic over my ex and often that's not helpful either

It's my dad... he's never been the typical "don't mess with my daughter" type. I kind of wish he was currently!

Yanbu. I would push anyone out who hurt my DD or sister.
I do have a tendency to stick up for the under dog. For instance if Dsis was angry and ranting about her DH exp. I might defend the ex to give a different perspective. Dsis think because she hates her that I should agree too.

I also had parents who would never defend me against anything, even when I was bullied and so broken I had to change schools mid-GCSE course.

I have no respect or loyalty towards them now, particularly the man who claims to be my father. I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire. My mother is not as bad these days.

OP, pls don’t be like me. I am bitter and defensive and can’t bear being watched doing anything as I’m sure I’m about to get criticised. It’s awful and I’m hoping to get therapy. Please avoid those that hurt you, and seek help if you feel you’d benefit from it. x

Believe me Jesus

😂 mumsnet is ace sometimes. That made me giggle to read back!

I’m sorry OP

Parents should stick up for you.

I have a parent that never has or will stick up for their children and I look down on them down

My parents mostly left us to live and learn. I am very protective of my DC.
OTOH DPs mum was always there to defend him, he finds it very hard to deal with conflict or stand up for himself as a 6ft2 man.

OP that is awful. To refuse to judge, means in reality siding with abusers

I can’t believe your DF would say that. Ugh. But also, even if he isn’t judging, why does that mean he can’t sympathise with your suffering?

I don’t judge the chair for stubbing my DD’s toe, but I still cuddle her and kiss her and say ‘there, there’.

There’s more than ‘not judging’ going on. And your DPs are being shit.

To not judge in that situation is condoning the abusers actions and disbelieving the truth.

He's lucky you haven't cut him off. If anyone did that to me or mine they'd be gone. Thats not beautiful thats being dismissive, cruel and a shit parent.

ChodeofChodeHall our previous posts ARE similar, spooky!

Sorry I can’t add much more op, other than to say I know how you feel. I did feel bitter about my parents especially when I had my own child, as I could never imagine not sticking up for them. But the older I get, the more I realise that they are never going to change and accept that we have a very strained relationship. Not down to me, I’m happily living life with partner, friends, neighbours, colleagues who have almost stepped into that role that was lacking, and it’s taught me how NOT to parent my own children.

I’m 100% certain if I had an abusive partner they would never support me and I could never go to them for help, luckily I don’t. But if I ever found myself in that situation, I couldn’t rely on them for backup.

I want to have a close relationship with my children, something my parents have never had (and never will). Their loss.

I’m in the same boat and the only way to cope with the lack of support and backing I received growing up is to cut my parents off emotionally. I still see them and smile to their faces but inside I don’t feel any trust or loyalty towards them. It does hurt though. I compensate by supporting my own DC as much as I can and I tell them every day that they will always come first.

It's just passive-aggressive bullshit isn't it

Ahhh I feel your pain so badly my parents are absolutely terrible.

and yes they are being cruel and dismissive
let's hope they don't need support from you when they're old and can't manage on their own