Mum had ago at my 3 year old over a clumsy accident

[SingleMotherwithaPrincess]

At my mums for lunch with 3 year old DD.

After lunch DD took the plates into the kitchen to help my mum. However with the last plate my DD lost her footing and tripped over, dropping and breaking the plate as she went.

DD was upset she’d broken the plate and my mum came in from the kitchen saw the broken plate and screamed at her “you need to be more f*ing careful” “You can’t go around breaking things like that” “You need to fucking learn to walk properly” amongst other swear words. I did tell her to calm down, it was an accident, DD wouldn’t deliberately break something and I’d pay for a replacement.

She then ranted at me that I needed to be a more responsible parent and that I needed to start taking responsibility for my own child.

I am 26 years old, single mother. Hold down a part time job, and DD attends Nursery. She loves Nursery and the staff tell me she’s lovely, well behaved and polite. Like most children she has her moments and does need reminding to say please and thank you but she’s 3 so nothing out of the ordinary. She doesn’t swear, she’s mostly potty trained (has SN so hasn’t completely got it) and she is generally lovely.

This is also out of character for my mum who’s usually pretty laid back and adores my DD. I left pretty quickly, not had a text or a phonecall to apologise from her. DD is fine, a bit confused as to why Nanny shouted but seems ok.

Not sure what I want from this, it’s probably just a rant.

That was an awful way to speak to your dd who was only try to help. BUT you've said that it's really out of character and the way your mum reacted when your dd had a toilet accident shows that she's usually a lovely nanny.

Like others have said, I'd be really concerned about your mum. Some physical health problems like strokes, dementia and even severe dehydration can cause people to completely change their behaviour. Is there anyone who could look after your dd if you visit your mum and try to persuade her to visit her dr?

My ds also 3 love to do the dishes. And our family all have a guess as to what he will break by accident next- he is getting better but we never use the good sets 😂

If it's is out of character like you say, then I would also be concerned. Its so nice your little one likes to help. And at 3 they still are young.

My mother (and father) spoke to me like that all the time when I was growing up. I'm NC with both of them now. They'll never be seeing any grandchildren anyway, but if they ever did speak to my child like that, they would most definitely never see them again.

How did you react OP?

I would want my daughter seeing me saying “do not ever talk to my daughter like that. You are being rude and unfair. We are leaving now but I will call you later”

That seems like a huge overreaction on your mum's part and I wouldn't be at all happy with what she said. Given that you say it's out of character for her I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt and ask if she's ok in order to prompt a conversation where she could apologise to you. Maybe say something like "It's not like you to get so upset and swear at DD like you, is everything ok?" See where it gets you.

My daughter had an accident and wet her clothes the other week. My MIL got stressed because she worried I would get too cross with her!
Grandmothers are meant to be the ones who let stuff slide....

If someone who usually doesnt shout or swear does both at their beloved grandchild I would be very worried indeed.
They would be reacting to great stress and since the childs accident wasnt a great stress ( no family heirloom harmed for example) it must be a personal stress of some kind. Either physical , mental or possibly financial.
You need to find out what exactly is going on and you cant do that by witholding contact.
Speak to your brother first but probably he doesnt have any idea since presumably she would have downloaded her worries to him She doesnt want to worry you maybe since you have enough in your own life and there isnt anyone else to help.
How cruel to suggest cutting off someone for one single infraction that is out of character without finding out why.
If she Simply had a bad day and took it out on your Dd and wont apologise ( and you dont suspect shes holding anything back) then fine . Keep away until shes prepared to resume normal Nanny GD relations.
But I do think you need to speak to her in a caring way to find out what is going on and work from her response.

How did you split up with her dad 5 years ago when your dd is only 3

@ScottishMummy12 her mum split with her dad five years ago - that’s why she says ‘they’re still friends’.

There’s never a reason to swear at a 3 year old, that’s disgraceful

'Well my first thought was I hope DD wasn't hurt, it could have been a nasty accident if the plate had cut her.
So was it a total freak out at the thought of your daughter being seriously injured?'

This is what I thought too.

ScottishMummy
the OP's parents split 5 years ago.

Your poor DD.

I presume you have said to her that it was an accident, she couldn’t help it, and it was naughty of grandma to shout at her like that? I think it is fine for children to know that adults don’t always get it right.

Then I would leave it a couple of days, call your Mum and say “about the other night, I really was not happy with you shouting at Dd like that and she was upset. It seems so out of character, is something upsetting you?”

Obviouslt YMIBU.

But a sudden change in personality should be checked out by her GP as it could be a symptom of something more sinister.

Best wishes hope your DD is okay :)

Apologies I haven’t read the full thread and sorry if it’s mean mentioned, but could she have a UTI infection? As this can cause behaviour changes in more mature people. I hope your dd doesn’t dwell on it. It would be sad for her to be come worried around her.

People often shout when they're scared or feel guilty.

However, I find it very hard to accept people using the F word around kids. I would want an explanation for the behaviour.

I think there's something going on that you don't know about and you need to do some digging.

Have you heard anything back from your dm op?

I would be horrified if my mum (or anyone) spoke to my (or any) child like that.

Your poor dd.

Has your mum explained why she reacted like that? It seems very extreme, and if you are saying it's out of character - is she stressed about something?

Why not see if someone can look after your DD for a while and go and speak to her in person

Your poor daughter! She sounds lovely and was only trying to be helpful. She's probably scared of her granny now :(
My family are a sweary, 'lively' bunch but if I had kids and they were talked to like that I'd be livid!
I would definitely not take your daughter there for a while, and try to talk to her and see what's going on if it's out of character. And let her know how out of order it was!