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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm buying a house and my partner wants a say in renovations

39 replies

singer23 · 02/12/2018 13:55

Hi all - after unsuccessfully obsessing over this for a few days - I'm in need of an objective view
I currently live in a rented apartment with my partner and we share rent and bills equally. However now that I've saved up enough money - I'm planning to buy a house ... my partner doesn't have enough to contribute to a deposit so I'm buying it by myself
However as I've started to think about renovations - my partner has a very strong view on how she (we are a gay couple) would like it done ... Good news is I largely agree with her suggestions but at times she comes across very strong and it puts me on edge because a part of me is like I'm buying the house, paying for all the renovations and not expecting her to contribute towards mortgage. I told her as gently as I could that at times she's coming across too strong and it adds to my stress and she said it felt like an attack on her personality as she's a passionate person in general
Am I in the wrong? I can handle harsh reality :-)

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 02/12/2018 13:59

she said it felt like an attack on her personality as she's a passionate person in general so she gets to act like a petulant child, because she’s ‘passionate’? Good grief!

Why can’t she contribute, OP? Is it a case of low wages or she hasn’t saved enough?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/12/2018 14:01

Woah! This has highlighted something about your relationship you didn't know about. So slow down and talk it through before you buy a house.

You can't make "It's my house" "But I am just a passionate person" work in the long term without some serious discussion.

What do you want to happen if/when you buy a house?

MrsExpo · 02/12/2018 14:02

No, you are not wrong. Your house, your choices.

Original poster
singer23 · 02/12/2018 14:02

It's both - she has a lower wage and I've been better with savings over the last 5 years. My parents are also helping me out a bit and her parents are younger so can't help right now

OP posts:
Xenia · 02/12/2018 14:03

I would get to a solicitor quickly and both sign a cohabitation agreement to ensure she has no rights to the property (I am assuming you are not married nor are civil partners).

Aquamarine1029 · 02/12/2018 14:04

Why are you allowing her to sponge off you like this? She should be paying rent and bills, FGS!

As for the renovations, tell her firmly to mind her own business. No investment = No say. What a cheeky cow.

Original poster
singer23 · 02/12/2018 14:05

What do you want to happen if/when you buy a house?
She has really good ideas and I want to consider them fully and take them on board where I can but I don't want her to be upset and frustrated when I make final choice ... Is that fair? At the end I want to live with her

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/12/2018 14:09

There you go! You aren't even mentioning the finances!

As others have said, you need to speak to a solicitor to work out the legalities before you find yourselves stuck in the middle of a large mess.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2018 14:10

So she gets to live gratis at yours but thinks it should be renovated to her specifications? Can I be your girlfriend? You can do whatever you want to the house, I'll be happy with living for free.

Passionate, my arse. Sponge, more like.

You definitely need to see a solicitor as Xenia suggests.

As for her stropping, you just keep repeating, 'No, I'm not doing that.'

Purplejay · 02/12/2018 14:10

It’s a tricky one if you plan to make it your home together and this is a long term relationship. If it is her home too, she should really have say. It depends on your relationship, how long you have been together and the expectations of both of you.

I can’t help thinking of you were a male higher earner, people would be less inclined to say it is your house so your partner should have no say in changes/renovations. Hopefully you can compromise. If she really hates the idea of something, personally I wouldn’t do it.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/12/2018 14:10

Why aren't you expecting her to contribute if she is living there. You are buying it so technically it's your house but it will be her home as well so I can understand why she wants some imput.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2018 14:13

You need to be very careful about this, OP. I don't think she should live there rent-free. I know people on MN argue about this, but I think if someone is living in a home, they should contribute to it. At the same time you need to protect your assets. I'd speak to a solicitor about the best way forward.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2018 14:13

I don't think your GF will take it well if you suggest she pays rent, though.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 14:17

This isn't right, she's acting like it's her house, and then basically manipulating you when you call her out on it. It's not ok at all.

Why is she not contributing? She should be. Why is she getting to live rent free and you pay the mortgage?

Your partner isn't playing nicely here.

Holstenlane · 02/12/2018 14:17

Will she be living there? Will it be her home? Are you planning a life together and this is the next step; moving into an owned home rather than rented and renovating it to make it suit you?

If this is a joint home for you to spend your lives together, then why does she get no say?

If you were a man, and the girlfriend was posting saying "My partner and I live together in a rented house but he wants to buy somewhere. I can't afford to buy so he is doing it himself, but we're both moving and it will be our home. He's now saying that it will be his house and he as final say on everything". Then I think the responses would be quite different.

She'd be getting told to save up her own money, don't rely on this man to keep you safe as if he ends it you'll find yourself on the streets with nothing and no rights. Or she'd be told to insist on paying toward the mortgage and have an agreement that she gets a share in the event of a split.

Think about what happens when she leaves. Are you telling her she needs to have savings as if you split, she will be homeless? Or are you discussing contribution towards mortgage for a share of the house? Either one is fair, but she needs to know exactly where she stands, especially if you involve her in decision making.

If it is your home, and she makes no financial contribution and you intend that she will have no right to the property then just make sure she knows that. If you go on to have kids, and she sacrifices her career etc then the situation will change but plan for now.

pickingdaisies · 02/12/2018 14:17

You need to agree some ground rules, and definitely talk it through on your own with someone who will help you see what YOU want, legal and financial.
If you are both in this for the long haul then it's not unreasonable for your dp to have an opinion. But if you don't agree with her, then you get the final say, because it is your money, your house. She doesn't get to win just because she throws better strops.
To even it out, if you have final say in major decisions, kitchen, bathroom, big ticket items,, then she can choose visuals, like paint colours. (If you can live with the results)) Because those can be changed easily enough.

Needsmorebeans · 02/12/2018 14:20

Will she be living there and if so will.she pay you rent? How much will that be? You need to get all this discussed and understood before you go ahead. Maybe as some have said contact a solicitor.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 14:23

Agree with pickingdaisies. Let her get all creative with cushions and paint colours. But anything which affects the value of the house is your decision alone.

BewareOfDragons · 02/12/2018 14:27

I would strongly think about leaving her behind when you move into your new home ... she doesn't sound supportive.

Xenia · 02/12/2018 14:32

It is never easy whatever the genders. I suspect if the relationship may not last some kindo f rent even if just say half the market rent eg £400 a month rather than £800 might be worth charging her and then you pay the council tax, heat etc, with each paying for your own food or you halve everything except mortgage and contributions to the house and she pays what she would have paid as rent elsewhere into her own savings and perhaps saves up to buy a little place even if just a £80k holiday home abroad so you both have the security of property ownership.

BigFatLiar · 02/12/2018 14:33

I would strongly think about leaving her behind when you move into your new home ... she doesn't sound supportive.

I think that OP has more or less left her behind already, Sounds that what OP has is a house mate rather than a partner. If they were partners then they'd be doing this as a couple. If she's moving with you get a proper legal agreement that she has not rights other than those of a lodger (and pays her share). This may of course cause a problem in the relationship but it does sound as if its run its course now.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/12/2018 14:37

The sex of the people involved is of no matter. The financial problems are the same!

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 14:38

If she pays rent now, then why can she not pay rent in the new place?

At the moment the power is equal, you both pay and get to choose how your living space looks.

If you buy and then refuse any rent then the power is all yours, which may not be great for the relationship.

If she does pay rent in the new place then she should be allowed a fair say in how the superficial things are. If you don't want her to have a say then it isn't really a home together, it's your home - and if so does she realise that you see it this way. Most people even if renting would like to be able to contribute to how the superficial things look, at least I would.

EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 14:41

She should be paying towards the mortgage, like rent. She is currently paying rent so she should be able to afford the same.

I think it is fair to let her have a say on things like furniture and paint colours and she could contribute towards these. Big jobs like kitchen, bathroom, knocking down walls, should be up to you as it's your house value which will be affected and you are paying for it.

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 14:43

Alternatively can you have a legal document drawn up protecting the deposit and then you both pay have the mortgage each? I'm assuming this is someone you intend to have a future with.