I'm buying a house and my partner wants a say in renovations

[singer23]

Hi all - after unsuccessfully obsessing over this for a few days - I'm in need of an objective view
I currently live in a rented apartment with my partner and we share rent and bills equally. However now that I've saved up enough money - I'm planning to buy a house ... my partner doesn't have enough to contribute to a deposit so I'm buying it by myself
However as I've started to think about renovations - my partner has a very strong view on how she (we are a gay couple) would like it done ... Good news is I largely agree with her suggestions but at times she comes across very strong and it puts me on edge because a part of me is like I'm buying the house, paying for all the renovations and not expecting her to contribute towards mortgage. I told her as gently as I could that at times she's coming across too strong and it adds to my stress and she said it felt like an attack on her personality as she's a passionate person in general
Am I in the wrong? I can handle harsh reality :-)

I would really think about what you are doing OP. You are wanting to move from a living situation where you and your partner are equals to one where you have all the control. If you are not very careful you will torpedo the relationship. How serious are you about each other?

I think the pair of you have to really sit down and discuss how this will work. You want to live with her, but does she want to live somewhere where she gets no say? What will you be expecting her to contribute, and what will that entitle her to? At the end of the day, you can say 'my house, I call all the shots', and she can say 'bye', and choose not to live with you.

If you want to be with her then it is our house. If you don't then it's your house. Have an agreement drawn up to protect your deposit but then both pay towards the mortgage according to your means.

Are you intending on her remaining your partner? I just can't see how it would work how you're planning.

I owned my flat when I met my husband and he had very little in savings. I sold it, and we bought a house in both our names with the understanding that I paid the whole deposit and would therefore get that % back first if we broke up and sold it.

We split the bills according to what we earn and there's no quibbles about who is paying more, because we acknowledge that over time circumstances are likely to change and we want to support each other, it's joint money and when we have a family it will become even more so joint money.

If I lived with a partner and jointly rented, then moved in to somewhere they bought on their sole name while we were together, and I didn't pay rent and therefore really had little say, I'd feel vulnerable and unhappy and I don't think creating this situation is indicative that you see the relationship lasting long term. Its completely tipping the power balance.

If you let her pay towards the mortgage she may have a claim on your house. As PP stated, be careful of the legalities. Certainly, she should be paying towards the bills.

EmUntitled
She should be paying towards the mortgage, like rent.

The OP hasn't said that her partner doesn't want to pay rent. She has said that it will be her house (and pretty much hers alone). If the DP pays rent or money like mortgage she will have a right to the house.

If the OP draws up a proper rental agreement, the DP is essentially a lodger and I suspect that it would kill the relationship.

singer23

IMHO if you want the relationship to last, get the deposit protected and go halves on the mortgage etc. that way it the house will belong to both of you.

Won't she get a large chunk of it ,if you split in future .if she lives there I mean..

Can't you both but together but you draw up some kind of agreement that in the event of a split your deposit is protected?

Sorry buy together

There was a similar thread on here recently and it was about a man / his daughter living with the female op. The comments weren’t dissimilar tbh until she mentioned what a slob he is. As a result she decided to end the relationship.

If you want a harmonious relationship you are going to have to compromise. Your dps should be allowed a certain input but not to railroad you.

You can’t set a situation up, where you can make your partner homeless without a second thought. I think you need to look at options to make you both feel safe and valued.

I don't understand why aren't buying together with unequal shares and protected initial equity... look at how you can each buy each other out if you split.

Surely you expect to be together long term and it would be far nicer to build your home together whilst also each protecting your financial interests.

Think I agree with randommess, what you do now will have an effect on your relationship, so you need to decide what you're looking for here. Is your DP starting to look like she might not be the one for you, because of the way she's putting pressure on you? Are you looking for a way out, or a way to continue with better mutual understanding?

You sound like you're a bit resentful that she isn't able to contribute - I'm not saying you object to her earning less, but the bit about you being better at saving. It's not unreasonable if she's been frittering away her spare cash while you've been careful.

I really think you need to hash this out between you before you buy somewhere. Are you buying a home for yourself that she'll live in, or are you buying somewhere for the two of you and she just happens not to be able to contribute financially? There's a risk that you end up with a nasty power imbalance and both of you end up unhappy and resentful.

This, by the way, is why I, the significantly higher earner, wanted to get married before buying. Now the house and mortgage are in my name, but DH contributes proportionate to his income and because we're married he's got some security.

Even if you share the mortgage and renovations 70:30 then it gives your partner security and an incentive to save/ spend more "wisely" your deposit is protected and it's a shared home.