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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shocked by friend last night

35 replies

prettycolours123 · 02/12/2018 08:57

Had a friend over for dinner last night, were the same age been friends for about 10 years always got on well. She has a boyfriend she's been with for about 5/6 years now, they live together, have a mortgage etc no DC.

The subject got on to girly talk wine was possibly involved and she said her and her DP hadn't DTD in over a year because she just didn't want to. We talked about that for a while general chit chat then she dropped the bombshell that it's ok it doesn't matter cause she's getting it elsewhere - a guy she works with.

I was ShockShock to say the least. I don't know her DP well but my heart sank for him. She complains about him at times, says he's a knob etc but there's no excuse for it really! I've been cheated on in the past and so has she! I can't understand why she would do it - she's basically actively having an affair with her colleague.

I'm shocked and actually pretty disgusted with her which is sad because we were quite good friends.

AIBU to distance myself from her now after this?

OP posts:
Kristingle · 02/12/2018 09:00

Hi pretty colours and welcome to Mumsnet.

You just have been very shocked by your friend’s comment if you joined MN to post about it.

What do you think you should do about your friend ?

InspectorIkmen · 02/12/2018 09:02

This seems to be a bit of a running theme lately. Who knew there were that many 'good friends' fessing up to their infidelity!

Surfskatefamily · 02/12/2018 09:04

Id feel the same op. Iv distanced myself from people whov shockingly cheated. I just cant help but see them in a different light.
Its a complete disregard for the feelings of someone they claim to love

RebulahConundrum · 02/12/2018 09:05

What's wrong with being a long time listener first time caller, @Kristingle?

MaryJenson · 02/12/2018 09:06

Tbh, I would encourage her to either leave her DP or tell him. Support her now to give her a chance to make the right decision.

Birdsgottafly · 02/12/2018 09:12

I wouldn't support her to tell him or leave. But she needs to end the affair or the relationship, of course.

I'd ask why she's staying and point out that he to could be sleeping with others and is this a relationship that she wants to be in.

They could hang in there for a few years and at a time when it isn't good to split, he ups and leaves.

She is better deciding what she wants the outcome to be and going for that.

It can't go on for ever.

Id be putting that to her, when sober and then deciding on what to do. It's all going to fall apart, she's partly responsible for that. I wouldn't be inclined to give loads of help to pick up the pieces.

Also, work affairs are a bad idea.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2018 09:21

I'd remind myself that I am not the monogamy police and get over my urge to stick my beak in where I have no business, TBH.

Fattymcfaterson · 02/12/2018 09:22

@kristingle You know what? When reading a post, the first thing I DON'T do is go to advance search the OP.

OP
I'd distance myself from said friend tbh.

JudgeRindersMinder · 02/12/2018 09:23

What @ReanimatedSGB said! Although she’s told you this, she’s not asked your advice. Other people’s relationships are none of your business

Babyroobs · 02/12/2018 09:26

I have a friend who is single and sleeping with two married men. On e of these she has been seeing for about twenty years. I don't really discuss it with her anymore.

BonnieandHyde · 02/12/2018 09:27

There's been a lot of poorly disguised Daily Fail fishing adultery threads recently.

I wonder what expose they're trying to write 🤷🏼‍♀️

MaryJenson · 02/12/2018 09:28

It’s not being the monogamy police though is it?

The friend chose to tell the OP and is obviously making a bad life decision.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/12/2018 09:29

We choose our friends in part because we have shared values. And we all have core beliefs that we feel strongly about. If a friend behaves in a way that is fundamentally opposite to those beliefs, it's natural to feel differently about them. The friend is being cruel to her dp - she isn't the person the OP thought she was.

You have a choice - to either be her friend no matter what, or decide that her behaviour has changed how you think about her to the point that you can't be her friend any more.

Mummyshark2018 · 02/12/2018 09:39

If it was me I would be honest about how I feel about this- ie 'I don't agree with the choice you're making, if you don't want to be with dp then do the right thing and leave'. What's stopping her leaving?

GaryBaldbiscuit · 02/12/2018 09:48

Who is your firend

agree, keep your beak out. the messenger will be shot.
it is not your business.

GaryBaldbiscuit · 02/12/2018 09:48

blah blah blah

GaryBaldbiscuit · 02/12/2018 09:51

i have a married friend also sleeping with married man for 5 years,

not my business, not for me to judge other people

SandyY2K · 02/12/2018 09:59

It's poor behaviour from her... but he should not hang around. I wonder what excuse she uses to get out of it... do they have kids?

If not I'd have long since left of I was him... or discussed an open relationship.

I distanced myself from a friend having an affair. I didn't like her actions.... which wasn't the affair itself...but one occasion where she introduced the OM to her DH as friend she wanted to set up with a female friend of hers.

That was too low IMO...making a fool of him...meanwhile she'd been sleeping with her lover for 4 years plus.

TheMagician · 02/12/2018 10:13

I'm also a bit Hmm by people who are shocked and disgusted by their own friends. I"d sometimes worry that my friends were making self-destructive decisions or I wish they valued themselves more or I wish they were braver, but it's hard to be brave.

ladydickisathingapparently · 02/12/2018 10:14

Do what you think is right but my experience with this in the past has been to say (1) never, ever involve me in any kind of lie about this on your behalf, and (2) it’ll all end in tears - probably yours.

TheMagician · 02/12/2018 10:16

@sandy2k Shock omg that is crossing a line alright. Casting people unknowningly as jesters stooges and cuckholds in a diverting play for her own convenience.

ButchyRestingFace · 02/12/2018 10:17

There's been a lot of poorly disguised Daily Fail fishing adultery threads recently.

"40% of women on MN let their husbands believe that he is the father of their offspring."

CountFosco · 02/12/2018 10:26

I would talk to her when she was sober and strongly encourage her to leave her partner. Tell her she can stay with me while sorting out accommodation etc.. He should be free to get over this relationship and find someone who loves him.

Then she can either be open about the relationship at work or decide if she wants to be the mistress being thrown crumbs by a man in another relationship.

Sometimes people need a new relationship lined up before they can leave the first. I had a friend who had an affair many years ago. Her marriage was a youthful mistake, she's been with the 'other man' for 20 years now, they are much better suited.

cloobydooby · 02/12/2018 10:27

if this was a male friend I wonder if answers would be the same here

TheOxymoron · 02/12/2018 10:35

I have friends that are great friends but make terrible partners.
They may also be awful employees/employers.
There are so many dimensions to a person.

Maybe just concentrate on your relationship with her. If she is a good friend, that’s what matters to you.

If we knew every part of a person, it is likely we would find something that doesn’t match our core values.

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