Shocked by friend last night

[prettycolours123]

Had a friend over for dinner last night, were the same age been friends for about 10 years always got on well. She has a boyfriend she's been with for about 5/6 years now, they live together, have a mortgage etc no DC.

The subject got on to girly talk wine was possibly involved and she said her and her DP hadn't DTD in over a year because she just didn't want to. We talked about that for a while general chit chat then she dropped the bombshell that it's ok it doesn't matter cause she's getting it elsewhere - a guy she works with.

I was to say the least. I don't know her DP well but my heart sank for him. She complains about him at times, says he's a knob etc but there's no excuse for it really! I've been cheated on in the past and so has she! I can't understand why she would do it - she's basically actively having an affair with her colleague.

I'm shocked and actually pretty disgusted with her which is sad because we were quite good friends.

AIBU to distance myself from her now after this?

"if this was a male friend I wonder if answers would be the same here"

Mine would. You don't know what's going on in a relationship, I doubt either of them are happy.

The advice to tell the Partner might change, because like it or not, Women who have come clean about affairs have been badly injured and killed by their Male Partner. Likewise I'd be wary of a gay Make coming clean for the same reason.

My advice may change depending on job. Having an affair at work for some people would be a sacking offence.

But it wouldn't change just based on sex.

Men certainly don't end friendships because their mate has been unfaithful. They don't always end friendships with abusers or rapists either.

@PrettyColours123

Do you think if a man found out his mate was shagging another woman behind his girlfriend's back, he would be like 'awwww mate, that's disgusting, shame on you. Your POOR girlfriend......' And then disown said 'cheating' mate?

There's your answer.

Maybe not, but they should have sympathy for the innocent party.
These men should improve their behaviour rather than women sink to match it!

@ReanimatedSGB

I don’t have for people with loose morals. Obviously you do so carry on love.

*I'd remind myself that I am not the monogamy police and get over my urge to stick my beak in where I have no business, TBH.

This. And then I remind myself people don't always tell the truth when drunk despite claims to the contrary!

I'm defo not DM. Or a journo. I've name changed sorry have posted before but not about this. I haven't seen this friend for a few months so when I learned that's what she's been doing with her spare time yes I was shocked.

She then spouted off a speech about how other friends have been telling her it's wrong, she should tell her DP etc and end the relationship, but she said why should she do that to him and hurt him unnecessarily. But she's already hurting him by cheating - even if he doesn't know it.

Maybe 'disgusted' was too strong a word, but from someone who has been cheated on in several past relationships, and her to be cheated on herself it just doesn't make sense!!

YANBU OP. I know that people say you shouldn't judge others, but for me, cheating is despicable and if you consider cheating to be a horrible thing to do, you don't have to keep being friends with her. Why should we have to put up with people that do horrible things because they're our friends? It might not be our business but it doesn't mean we have to accept behaviour that we don't agree with and keep being friends with that person.

I don't know why people dump information like this on their friends. I had a couple of friends years ago who told me they were cheating on their partners. I told them they were being dicks and that was all. I didn't fall out with them or cut them off.

They offload because it makes them feel better and they don't care about whether it gives their friends conflicted loyalties or makes them feel uncomfortable.
It's selfish, which is how cheaters tend to be anyway - their entitlement to do as they please outstrips yours not to hear about it.

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds I think it's true, they are selfish. She's generally a nice person so it was unexpected. Last time I saw her she was moaning about her DP saying he was lazy and uninteresting etc and talking about this colleague a lot, so somehow I was surprised I wasn't more surprised, but she insisted they were just friends and colleagues nothing more. Her DP helps pay her mortgage which is why I think she won't leave him and the colleague is in a LTR also.

I managed to say a few things opinion wise, but she was very defensive (not shockingly) so I just changed the subject. I didn't wanna hear all the sordid little details anyway