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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If a mother could be just shut away in the 70s

45 replies

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:20

My mum was an alcoholic in the 70s. She was given help and I was born in 1975.

She chose drink and my father divorced her. I was brought up on nannies.

My mum was shut away. She is now dead. How can I cope with this.?
P

OP posts:

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:28

I'm struggling and didn't know how else to ask for help

OP posts:

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:40

Not one reply. Guess that tells me everything.

OP posts:

CottonTailRabbit · 02/12/2018 01:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MazDazzle · 02/12/2018 01:45

What do you mean by ‘shut away’?

Disquieted1 · 02/12/2018 01:46

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing one's mother is never easy.

We all must deal with grief at some point. Could you please articulate which aspect is causing the most pain? Is it that you never got the opportunity to engage with her in the right way?

Sorry if this isn't very helpful but your posts are not easy to understand.

Outnotdown · 02/12/2018 01:46

It sounds like you are feeling very alone. Without more detail, it is hard to say how you can move on. Can you access counselling, talk to any friends or family in real life?

interestingdebatetoday · 02/12/2018 01:47

I'm sorry she was shut away and I think you feel resentment at your father for this.

Alcohol addiction is a horrible illness and yes perhaps if it was today she'd have found support and had access to you.

But I would try to focus on what you do have - your father thought he was protecting you and tried to protect his child

Your mother is gone and you need to grieve, which is hard for someone you haven't known - perhaps you can find out what you can about her to help you do this 💐

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:48

Not been drinking. Just cant deal with the neglect. Finally I just realised that I'm still suffering badly.

OP posts:

interestingdebatetoday · 02/12/2018 01:50

Who neglected you OP?

I think you do need to find some RL support to work through this. It's easy on here to say counselling but it honestly will give you more of a space than just your thread over a longer time

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:57

For some context my father has also died. It's just the last few months I just want my mum to say she loved me.

She is dead but sometimes I just don't understand how I deal with this. I haven't had kids because of fear I'd be a shit mum.

But why do I suffer when I'm not the one to blame

OP posts:

delboysskinandblister · 02/12/2018 02:04

I am so sorry for your loss and clearly painful time.

Do you have any photographs, keepsakes, letters, cards, that were left to you of your mum?

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 02:07

Were you neglected by the nannies? Did you feel neglected?

Were you able to develop any connection to your father or to anyone else like a nanny or an aunt or grandmother?

I really recommend Al Anon for families of alcoholics.
Now that some questions and feelings have bubbled to the surface, it would be a good idea to explore what is going on.

You may get more replies in the morning.

steff13 · 02/12/2018 02:13

It's just the last few months I just want my mum to say she loved me.

Obviously, that isn't ever going to happen. But is there someone who knew your mom who could tell you about how she felt about you? An aunt/uncle, a grandparent, maybe a friend of hers? Maybe someone could share memories of what she was like as a mom.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 02:15

Have you ever sought grief counseling?

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 02:16

I've just had enough of trying to be ok
I've got a job and a house and a boyfriend

What I don't have is any parents or reason to believe they wanted me.
I need advice on how to keep going if you were not wanted in the first place.

OP posts:

delboysskinandblister · 02/12/2018 02:18

I think it would be well worth loving yourself enough to go to your GP and ask for some grief therapy for your trauma.

In the meantime you can always talk to Cruse
www.cruse.org.uk/ they have a freephone number

or you may find some support from others in a similar situation from other children of parents lost to Alcoholism

Al-Anon
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/find-a-meeting/

thegreatbeyond · 02/12/2018 02:20

Bella - this is YOUR life. It is not relevant that anyone 'wanted' you. You belong to yourself. You must create the life you want for yourself.

Mumtoboy123 · 02/12/2018 02:24

i need advice on how to keep going if you wernt wanted in the first place

Firstly, you do not know you wernt wanted. Your memories indicate your mother struggled to be the parent you needed and your dad coped the best he could. This doesnt mean that when you were concieved that you wernt wanted.
Secondly, many people feel they 'wernt wanted' when they find out the pregnancy wasnt planned. Just like your situation, these are 2 very different things.
In the short term, speak to those close to you about how you are feeling. You mentioned a boyfriend. In the long term, seek medical/professional help. You make it sound like youre looking for the fix to your feelings tonight but im affraid these are deep rooted issues which you need to address over time to really understand.

Zoflorabore · 02/12/2018 02:27

Some harsh replies here and op is clearly struggling, shame there isn't more compassion.

Op I don't have experience of alcoholism directly but am witnessing one of my closest friends going through it now with 2 young dd's. I live in the same street as them too so see it all. The children would sadly be better off away from their mum as she prioritises drink ( and more ) over her children.
You were "lucky" I suppose to be taken away though you probably won't see that.
I feel sad for you that the reason you chose not to have your own dc is because you were worried you would end up like your mum.
You need to remember that she was ill and that doesn't mean she didn't love you, she will have suffered greatly for her mistakes.

Please seek counselling of some sort, you've been dealt a shitty hand which is not your fault but now it's you in control. You have the chance to either let the past break you or make you stronger. Don't let life pass you by. Hope you manage to find some peace

interestingdebatetoday · 02/12/2018 02:28

You sound almost like perhaps you feel you were given up by both parents as in the case of adoption 💐

sally4ever · 02/12/2018 02:28

Oh goodness you’re getting a hard time on here, OP.

AIBU isn’t the kindest place and I think kindness is what you need - by the bucketload.

You don’t know that you weren’t wanted. Your mum didn’t manage to beat her demons but it doesn’t mean she didn’t want you.

Is your dad still alive?

Try and get to bed (if it’s night time where you are) and get a good sleep

kateandme · 02/12/2018 02:30

you were wanted by the world.the fact you are here means your presenence is needed,vital and wanted because you make up a small space of the world.that means your precious.there is no one like you not another person.so being that one unique you means you are wanted.
and you can be loved.by yourself first and formost.by friends.by pets.by the cat you meet and give a hug to on your way to work.
some parents aren't able to give the love.and many people sadly have that happen to.and its about finding that peace and love in yourself.
if your parents could it doesn't means its not possible.it doesn't mean your not lovable or needed it means there was whatever inside of them that couldn't.it was a fault in them not you.
did you nannies love you do you think in their own way.
im sure your dad did in his own way?
and ur mum who knows how much she loved you hun.addiction to booze doesn't mean she didn't love you.it means her mind and body we taken over so the choices were no longer her own.

delboysskinandblister · 02/12/2018 02:34

Bella your mum did give birth to you in 1975 - she kept her pregnancy. Just because you do not remember her saying she loved you, doesn't mean she didn't. I think the most constructive way forward would be to speak with someone at Al-Anon. You would at least receive empathy from those who have been in similar traumatic circumstances. I wish I could say what you want to hear but I can't because i am not you or your mum. I think these sources of support and may be some CBT therapy or would help you work through what seems like the impossible at the moment.

I am thinking of you and I wish you every success. Love yourself Bella your worth being kind to yourself. We all are .

1forAll74 · 02/12/2018 02:40

I do so agree with the greatbeyond, as you do have to try and be you and your life right now. It is hard to move forward from sad things in the past, but you can't make things any different now as to what happened in the past..

You have a partner and job etc right now, so try and make life good for you now.. You had parents that were not perfect, but it doesn't mean that they didn't love you at all.

DistanceCall · 02/12/2018 02:41

I need advice on how to keep going if you were not wanted in the first place.

I'm terribly sorry about your situation, OP. It's very hard.

I think you should talk to a professional therapist - not because there is anything wrong with you, but because you have had a very hard beginning in life and a very hard family history, and you can find help dealing with it.

I say this as someone who has been in therapy for a long time, and it's the main reason why I have a life now.

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