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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If a mother could be just shut away in the 70s

45 replies

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 01:20

My mum was an alcoholic in the 70s. She was given help and I was born in 1975.

She chose drink and my father divorced her. I was brought up on nannies.

My mum was shut away. She is now dead. How can I cope with this.?
P

OP posts:

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 02:44

Thanks to all of your replies

Yes both of my natural parents are dead.

I am strong but the last few months have triggered it. You are all probably going to think I'm pathetic.
My baby girl cat died and it's not the loneliness as much as what joy she gave,

When my real mum died her last words were she was so happy I loved her

She never told me sorry for giving me away or even she loved me.
I will never forget that

OP posts:

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 02:49

When you say shut away, did you mean put in an institution or just banished from the family? I think people reacted poorly because your first post wasn't very clear.

I think you are basically putting words into your mother's mouth - most probably things you heard from your father or other family members when you were younger. The words 'she chose drink' are a line someone made up to explain her absence, NOT her actual opinion. Same with your idea that your parents didn't want you. So your dad hired nannies - he may have felt that you needed a female presence around, rather than doing that out of 'neglect'. Men in the 70s had rigid gender roles and many would not have felt able to step into a mother's role.

The truth is harder to get your head around than these handy all or nothing statements - that actually you know very little about your mother and now you will probably never know. All you do know is that she was very vulnerable and unwell.

Like the previous posters say, your worth as a human being is not dependent on how much your parents 'wanted you', either when you were born or at any point later. I think you need some counselling urgently to deal with these harmful feelings about yourself.

Bluerussian · 02/12/2018 02:49

Oh bless you, you poor girl. I do have some first hand understanding of this sort of thing.

I'm sure your mum did love you even though she didn't express it. Towards the end of her life, when she must have been quite ill, she couldn't find the words. Your dad, too, he did the best he could.

It's hard when both parents are gone. I sometimes think about that, have one child aged 39 and me and husb are in late sixties; I know he would be bereft if either of us died. Well we don't intend to yet!

Please look after yourself and don't dwell on what you didn't have, Bellabonkers. No parents are perfect, we are all flawed human beings.
If your parents were alive now I bet they'd be proud of you.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 02:53

When my real mum died her last words were she was so happy I loved her. She never told me sorry for giving me away or even she loved me.
I will never forget that.
Just cross posted with your latest post. I think what she meant was she felt there was some forgiveness there. She probably assumed you knew she was sorry and loved you. My mom is alive and well and never tells me she loves me. She just assumes I know.
And it's not pathetic about the cat btw.

interestingdebatetoday · 02/12/2018 02:58

Saying she was so happy you loved her... sounds actually like a woman who felt a lot of guilt and remorse. It does sound like she was sorry and she did love you

But I can understand you wishing you heard those words

DistanceCall · 02/12/2018 03:02

You're not pathetic AT ALL, OP.

I agree with PPs - your mother said she was glad you loved her because she felt terrible guilt about what she had done. If she wanted you to love her, it means she loved you too (otherwise she wouldn't have cared at all how you felt).

But she should have told you. It's complete shit that she didn't. And it's incredibly unfair for you.

delboysskinandblister · 02/12/2018 03:03

cats are important all loved pets are. they are part of family and give and receive love without judgement and are very healing too. Somewhat psychic.

I remember a GP saying a dog won't care if you're a saint or a murderer they will stand by you.

It's not pathetic at all. It's a very understandable palpable feeling of loss.

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 03:04

In terms of being shut away. She had to go to the hospital and we never knew why.
Guess we call it re hag now. I think in the 70s you just got sent away. I was told that anyway.

OP posts:

elliollie · 02/12/2018 03:08

Bella, I understand the feeling of not being wanted and it's hard to come to terms with but you need to remember that it's a reflection on them, not you. You were an innocent child and didn't deserve to be made to feel that way. You are entitled to feel sad about that. The issue is how you move forward. How do you stop the behaviour of your parents from colouring your whole life? I don't have the answer but maybe you need some counselling or a self help book or to join the Stately Homes thread on here. I'm sorry you're hurting, I understand more than you could know, I wish I could give better advice And to those who have been dismissive or flippant on this thread, shame on you, AIBU or not, the OP is clearly struggling and asking for help. Let's hope you never find yourselves feeling lost and alone.

Want2bSupermum · 02/12/2018 03:12

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I can't believe some others have been so insensitive.

I agree with PPs who have suggested Al-Anon and getting some CBT to address this. I wish you all the luck and hope you can get the help you need to get through this and enjoy your life.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 03:18

There was a massive amount of shame around mental health problems back then. People used to furtively whisper things to their neighbours like "she's in [insert name of instutution]". Also when a woman had been declared 'unfit' as a mother, it was very very hard to come back from that and reclaim any credibility or be allowed any responsibility for children. Mental health problems were treated like a one way street to oblivion.

Your challenge is to stop that repeating in the present. You say you haven't had children because you think you would not be a good mother. But what do you WANT?

bushtailadventures · 02/12/2018 03:26

I can understand you a bit I think. My DM was also sent away in the '70's, although it was her bi-polar that caused the issue rather than alchohol. I did speak to her about it later, she said that her and my Dad were basically told to split up, let my Dad have us, or social services would take us because she wasn't fit to look after us. I feel very lucky that my Dad stepped up I think, we had housekeepers/babysitters to look after us because he had to work.

Most of the time I am fine about it all, even if I think it was a harsh way of dealing with things, but since she died every so often I wonder why she abandoned us for so long. We had no contact with her for years, it was just how it was then, although my Dms family were always involved with us.

I too think counselling might be worth looking at, it won't give you all the answers but it could give you ways of dealing with how you feel now. I hope you find some peace

81Byerley · 02/12/2018 03:48

First of all, you need to acknowledge that you were a damaged child because your parents didn't cope well with what was probably a chaotic situation. Sometimes adults can't cope with more than their selves and their crap life, never mind having to cope with a child as well. That is sad for you, being in the middle of it all and obviously not feeling loved. That isn't the same as not being loved.... your parents maybe just didn't have the wherewithal to show it. I think you need to allow yourself time to grieve. Not only the loss of your parents, but to grieve for the little lost child who struggled with the neglect she suffered whilst they struggled to cope with the mess they were living with. What they did was wrong. You should have been high on their list of priorities, and you were obviously not shown that you were. Your dad got you nannies, his way of caring for you, and your mum was too ill to cope with more than herself. It doesn't mean she didn't love you.
When you need to talk about it, cry, rage, whatever, remember the Samaritans are there at the end of the line, 24 hours a day.

steff13 · 02/12/2018 03:52

You refer to your real mom and your natural mom, do you have a stepmother?

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 03:53

Were you adopted? Did she give you up? Were you put in care?
Back in the 70s mothers often had to choose between treatment and their children. Or children were taken away if mothers entered treatment.

When my real mum died her last words were she was so happy I loved her

She never told me sorry for giving me away or even she loved me.
I will never forget that
There is a silence there that is stretching out into eternity.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201703/daughters-unloving-mothers-mourning-the-mom-you-deserved

Some times we see ourselves in our beloved pets, and sometimes we can project some of the love of others onto ourselves from them.

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 03:58

...she was so happy I loved her.
Maybe because she loved you and thought herself unforgiveable and unloveable?

Mothers who drink are judged more harshly than fathers even now. Back in the 70s it was considered the worst thing a woman could do short of committing murder. Maybe she internalised all the harsh judgement.

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 04:01

No I wasn't adopted. I had female nannies until about 12 then I did most stuff myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bellabonkers · 02/12/2018 04:06

My dad remarried she was from Denmark. I maybe think of her as mum but she left when I was 19

OP posts:

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 02/12/2018 04:34

So sorry to hear your story OP.
Is there anyway you could make contact with your Danish stepmother.
It would be a start

mathanxiety · 02/12/2018 07:35

How much of a connection did you have to your dad?

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