To not come to your party unless you're serving the food I want?

[danigrace]

Or more specifically, not serving what I don't want...

DS (16 months) and I both can't eat dairy or eggs. I also can't have gluten but he has been doing well with us weaning him onto that thankfully. I am used to not being catered for, totally understandable, and always have a snack and herbal tea bags in my bag.

But lately I'm REALLY struggling with DS. Just had a sleepless night that started with 3 hours of him uncontrollably screaming, clawing at me in panic, and flinging himself around with a terribly painful tummy and wind. It makes me so sad for him bc I know how much it hurts. This was all because at a birthday party yesterday morning he had ONE BITE of another todders' malted milk biscuit that they had left in the play kitchen sink.

I'm really really struggling with what to do. I'm so torn. Been thinking of starting the milk ladder (medical thing to gradually introduce dairy and build tolerance) bc I want him to be able to have what he wants at parties and groups and stuff and not get upset that he's not allowed something that everyone else is (was devastated everyone was having crisps at a birthday except him today bc they were sour cream and he was tantruming and confused), plus it's hard for me to watch him like a hawk all the time bc he puts everything in his mouth. But if he's this bad and in pain and upset after such a tiny bit of the thing that's on the bottom step of the milk ladder then I also feel really bad doing it to him 😩
Any advice???

Also one of our mum groups have made the Christmas party cheese board themed... I was already worried it would be hard (which they know) but after last night I'm completely dreading it.

AIBU to avoid parties and groups where I know this will be an issue?? I already kind of feel like I am bc I don't want to ruin anyone else's fun, or impose, or have them feeling at all bad about us not coming. But on the flip side it sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

Any advice or thoughts incredibly greatly appreciated.

What might be more effective than trying to limit the food served is limiting where it's served. I go to a baby and toddler group where we can only eat the biscuits in one of the two rooms of the church hall where it's held (and parents have to watch to make sure their children eat the biscuits in that room) because of a little boy with a milk allergy - it means he can free play in the other room because there's no chance of him picking up the food he can't eat off the floor. Having a totally food free area would give both you and your DS a break from you needing to stand behind him, and is much more easily achieved than only going to events with no food that he's allergic to.

OP are you allergic to these things too or eliminating them because you’re breastfeeding an allergic child?

FWIW I think under these circumstances you have to get used to bringing your own food. I know it’s hard to relax when they’re running about though

Step 1 of the milk ladder is a malted milk biscuit.
Some great ideas about treat bags from other posters.

I really sympathise OP. DD1 was the same. I just used to have to watch her like a hawk. Also amongst my mum friends (who just happened to be my friends before) everyone knew even the grandparents and aunts and uncles at the party and would all watch out for her.

It's a nightmare and I know how you don't want him to not go but equally if he gets his hand on something it's a nightmare for you.

Also he doesn't sound quite ready for the milk ladder... we didn't start till about 2.5 as we kept failing. To reassure you she's almost 4 and absolutely fine with diary and egg. Still working on gluten though!

I have a dairy free toddler.

I think you are being unreasonable to want completely dairy free food when you are at parties. It does mean you watch them like a hawk. If they do accidentally eat dairy then I would give piriton and calpol.

Comparing to my DD 16 months is very young for the milk ladder and he obviously can deal with step one. My DD is 2.5 and has just managed step one. I am awaiting a few months of exposure to milk in malted milks before we try step 2.

OP. I completely understand,my little girl is 4 she is GF and dairy allergic. She is very sensible and will not accept food from friends etc. However I always worry at parties about the cross contamination and sticky faces etc when playing on bouncy castle as minimal skin contact brings her out on hives. I too take a treat bag of suitable party type food. This works well. I am definitely becoming more able to relax as her and her friends understanding improves. It is difficult. Hang in there.

If is hard when your DC have food allergies. My niece has a severe nut allergy and always had to take a special pack lunch with her to every party and it meant that whoever was supervising her had to extra vigilant to make sure she didn't eat anything she shouldn't because other parents do not understand about cross contamination and reading the labels for nut traces.
She was never stopped from going to parties though because it's unfair for her to miss out just because it's difficult.
As she got older she better understood what she could and couldn't have and it's become easier and she can be trusted to be left by herself.
Don't let your DC miss out on the experiences of the other DC because of this it will get better over time.

My son is allergic to nuts, dairy and wheat. We always packed a snack box from a really young age when we went to eat anywhere. Made sure it had treats as well as filling food. Tried to make it match the food that would be at the party if we knew beforehand. It's taught him to be careful, ask about ingredients, only eat food that's been given to him by familiar adults who know his dietary needs etc. He's also learned that it's ok to be different and his health is more important than fitting in.

Yes he's too young to understand "yes you can have this one no you can't have that one". He will just find it arbitrary and unfair. Plus he is about to get a whole lot more rebellious generally, sorry to remind you.

He needs some simple rules which you stick to and reward regardless of circumstances. Eg we don't eat buffet food, we don't eat food from the floor, we do eat our lovely packed lunch box which oh look today it has lovely treats in it. He won't understand the phrase "don't" for a long time but you get what I mean. Pick a special lunch box he really likes and a nice plate & teach him a phrase eg I have this because I'm "no dairy & no egg". Try not to make it seem like a deprivation just totally normal.

Asking friends in the spirit of a request for support rather than a sort of complaint and they will more likely step up.

We don't have allergies luckily but have a few friends that did this from a v young age esp the "no dairy" ones and all the kids were used to it at nursery on different coloured plates.

Get some medical advice on the treatment approach and timing and then do it on your terms when suits you not for social pressure.

HTH

Doesn't sound to me that he is ready to start the ladder if he reacts that badly to one bite of a

Not sure why he couldnt have crisps though

What a shame for your DS. I can see why you would want to avoid parties at this stage. Can you find out what they will be having food wise at the toddler group party and bring your son alternatives for each thing?

When I have hosted parties in the past I always add a little note at the bottom of the invite to ask parents to let me know if the child has any food allergies or diet restrictions. I would hate to have a party and a child couldn’t join in. I’ve catered for vegans, vegetarians, a child with an egg allergy and a few children who eat halal. In fairness this was all for school aged children who are a bit better themselves at knowing what not to eat. Also if I am aware a child at a party has an allergy I am extra cautious and watch that child more closely, particularly at feeding time.

I think people’s advice here is really good - going to the parties is about playing the long game and teaching him to manage his allergies.

And you too - maybe you need treats as well.

Sorty your OP is not clear, do you want them to cater for you or do you only want to attend if the all the food is dairy/egg/gluten free?

Thank you all so much for the fantastic advice and reassurance. I'm definitely going to start taking a bag of treats that will be similar to those offered at the party, that's a fantastic idea.

My head was gone this morning after no sleep and feeling sorry for DS who was struggling so much all after that one bite when I'd barely spoken to anyone at the party after hovvering over him the whole time yet he still found a biscuit in the sink that I didn't see until it was too late.

He is very well socialized, we go to a group everyday (immensely lucky to have fantastic children's centres nearby) and they are great about keeping things dairy free for us so I think we have just been spoilt.

It seems it will be a learning experience for both me and DS and your input has helped a lot. Also gives me hope to hear some of you have been through it and kids are okay with dairy now or have learned and accepted what they need to avoid etc.
Thank you.

This never bothered me. Diabetic since aged 1. It was a lot more restrictive years ago and I Could only eat certain things, which my mum controlled. Parties were tricky.
I think you'd be surprised how little it bothers most children.

My dd is 2 1/2 and dairy and soya free. I find parties and group meet ups involving food so stressful. At around 1 1/2 -2 it was the hardest as she just did not understand why she couldn't have the same as everyone else. I over compensated with treats (only when other kids got a treat she couldn't have). Moo dairy free chocolate is really good. I have a batch of dairy free choc cup cakes in the freezer for birthday parties. I try and go and collect a piece of cake for her and come back with the cupcake. She doesn't notice generally although I'm sure she'll grow out of that soon! It's really shit. Some friends are amazing and go out of their way to provide safe food whereas others are just ignorant or forgetful. My friend fed my dd a cheese puff when I was out of the room for one minute. She's fully aware of her allergy, but it just isn't on her radar like it is for allergy parents.

I'm afraid you do have to hover, pits though that may be. But I'm astonished that your friends are planning a cheese party if you can't eat dairy. That's unkind and would be firmly put a stop to in my friendship groups. YANBU to not attend that particular gathering.