To not come to your party unless you're serving the food I want?

[danigrace]

Or more specifically, not serving what I don't want...

DS (16 months) and I both can't eat dairy or eggs. I also can't have gluten but he has been doing well with us weaning him onto that thankfully. I am used to not being catered for, totally understandable, and always have a snack and herbal tea bags in my bag.

But lately I'm REALLY struggling with DS. Just had a sleepless night that started with 3 hours of him uncontrollably screaming, clawing at me in panic, and flinging himself around with a terribly painful tummy and wind. It makes me so sad for him bc I know how much it hurts. This was all because at a birthday party yesterday morning he had ONE BITE of another todders' malted milk biscuit that they had left in the play kitchen sink.

I'm really really struggling with what to do. I'm so torn. Been thinking of starting the milk ladder (medical thing to gradually introduce dairy and build tolerance) bc I want him to be able to have what he wants at parties and groups and stuff and not get upset that he's not allowed something that everyone else is (was devastated everyone was having crisps at a birthday except him today bc they were sour cream and he was tantruming and confused), plus it's hard for me to watch him like a hawk all the time bc he puts everything in his mouth. But if he's this bad and in pain and upset after such a tiny bit of the thing that's on the bottom step of the milk ladder then I also feel really bad doing it to him 😩
Any advice???

Also one of our mum groups have made the Christmas party cheese board themed... I was already worried it would be hard (which they know) but after last night I'm completely dreading it.

AIBU to avoid parties and groups where I know this will be an issue?? I already kind of feel like I am bc I don't want to ruin anyone else's fun, or impose, or have them feeling at all bad about us not coming. But on the flip side it sends my anxiety levels through the roof.

Any advice or thoughts incredibly greatly appreciated.

Obviously you can choose not to attend but that would be a shame. It might be worth for some of the events with people your close to explaining how badly it affects your ds and if they could amend the menu so there are things he can have and less that he can't have. Ultimately there will always be times we have to say no to our children... I think you will have to watch him I'm afraid...

I think you would be unreasonable to avoid all parties and events for this reason, because you and your son still need to socialise and have fun.

I would keep a lunchbox with some nice but suitable snacks for your DS. Crisps and biscuits he can have, dairy free chocolate etc. Then when the other kids are all having crisps, you can get some out for him too.

How many people are in the mums group with the cheese party (weird anyway!)? Could you talk to the organiser and explain your concerns.

Sorry to hear this, I know allergies can be a nightmare and how hard it is to watch everything your child eats. I was dairy free whilst feeding my son who was taken off diary because of bad reflux. I think if my mum group had a cheese board themed party during that time I would have politely declined and said I would make sure to see them separately for a pre Christmas drink or coffee...... it’s such a busy time of year that you can not go to everything anyway without running yourself into the ground, especially if it’s not going to be enjoyable. I think good friends understand this. I would go to only the events that you really want to go to and not the rest.......

I've a lot of food allergies and my mum would take me to parties and send me to school parties and birthday parties with a 'treat bag' basically a packed lunch of things I'd like and that I wasn't allowed to eat on a daily basis and speak to the hosts to tell them it's not her being a snob or me being fussy but that I can't eat what is served and it worked out fine. Obviously it wasn't fun when I was nursery to primary school age because I wanted to have what my friends were so a variety of foods that he'll like in the box as well as things that are likely to be served will help normalise the idea.

Dairy and egg are tricky, but I don't see why you couldn't try to work around it. Maybe suggest some alternatives. My young toddler is allergic to peanuts and if I went to a party and there were peanuts I would have to leave. Even if everyone is careful, and put certain foods out of reach, kids will leave food on the floor, where my son loves eating off 😐

You can go or not go. Or ask exactly what will be there and discuss bringing some of your own food

We’re 6 years in from you and the dairy intolerance has only got slightly better. It’s tough. We did go to everything. When he was little I watched closely when food was out and everyone else helped. We still had lots of accidents and it affected his growth somewhat as he just couldn’t get the nutrients. I still think it was worth it as he’s learnt to be very sensible and manage his allergy, at school and at friends’ houses. He’s still sometimes sobbing when something looks great and he can’t have it but understands that different people have different issues.

When he was little, I used to try to have sensible yummy alternatives at the ready, so I’d always ask party mums what they were having and try match that closely with non dairy alternatives

We had a party recently and I knew one of the little girls has a lot of allergies, I asked her mum if I could try and make something suitable but she said she'd rather bring her own food for her daughter and then she asked me if we could keep the plates of food out of the reach of the kids which of course was no problem

It is tough but short of completely isolating yourselves food and snacking is ubiquitous with modern life. I think that you just need to always have a stash in the car of suitable food stuff which is as tempting as the food on offer.

In terms of the cheese board theme I would remind them that as you and ds can't participate that you will opt out of any food purchasing and bring your own party food.

It maybe sounds as if he isn't quite ready for the food ladder. Maybe leave it a few weeks and try again. Are you sure he isn't reacting to milk and wheat? If you can't have gluten could he also have an issue? All three of mine successfully went from zero to some milk. One will eat any dairy and gets through a few mugs a day of milk despite being really badly intolerant as a baby- even if I ate bread with traces of milk his stomach woul bleed. By three he was on a normal diet. Another one will happily eat ice cream, hot chocolate etc but wouldn't eat yoghurt or drink a glass of milk alone - just doesn't like the taste. The third one will occasionally drink half a cup of hot chocolate, will always ask for sorbet instead of ice cream, would never drink milk or eat yoghurt. All three eat cheese. Now they are all older they can just self- select how much they tolerate and take calcium supplements as appropriate.

In our mum group we had a little one with a dairy allergy (not mine). If anyone suggested cheese themed I would have said, that’s a great idea, but what about X? It’s too hard to police, remember when DC1 (mine) shared her cream cheese sandwich.

I know it’s awkward, but I’ve done everything to prevent a repeat and every gathering/event has been dairy free. Can you bring yourself to be honest? As in, I’d love to come, but it’s not worth it if the baby accidentally eats dairy. They may just realise from that how difficult it would be for you.

The reason I question the gluten is due to coeliacs being genetic. Having said that I can't have gluten but my children can but couldn't at birth. None of us has tested positive for coeliacs

Your OP doesn't make sense, OP. What you appear to be identifying is food being served that you/ your DS don't/can't eat. This is not the same as not being served the food you want.

Unfortunately for you and your DS, the only world you can control is your own home, so invitations to free-ranging food will present problems until your child can understand to eat only their own food. Hosts will get this, but not necessarily be able to arrange children's food so your DS can't help himself.

I don't think isolating yourselves is the answer and this will come up at groups / nursery / parties ect could you not just take your own snacks and food. I know you really shouldn't have to but I think it would be a lot easier than dealing with the upset. When all the others had crisps and to be honest I probably wouldn't have realised about the crisps. If you had your own suitable crisps it would have been easier to deal with as your child doesn't understand

DS had allergies that he grew out of. It gets easier as they get more able to communicate because they and their friends know what they can and can't have.

But TBH the other parents don't sound very accomodating, when I told people about DS's allergies they always arranged alternative food for him (and I had a ready supply of suitable cakes and biscuits I would take as well). I didn't expect them to but people are generally nice.

For the cheese party I'd be pretty blunt though, just say 'It's a lovely idea to arrange a get together before Christmas but since DS and I both have a dairy intolerance we won't be coming to the cheese party'. Then if they are nice they'll change it to something less exclusionary and if they're not you'll know where you stand.

Thank you so much for all the replies.

We don't normally give crisps/chocolate/biscuits etc at home yet and I tend to only have fruit type snacks and ricecakes in my bag which DS enjoys but for some reason I hadn't even thought of having a "treat bag" with those types of things in for such occasions. That's a fantastic idea. I reckon it would be much easier to say "no here's your biscuit" than "no that's not for you". I'm definitely going to give that a try.

I just struggle to feel relaxed at these kind of parties. I have to follow DS and not take my eyes off him so feel equally rude for not having relaxed conversations keeping eye contact and panicked that DS will eat something. Which despite my best efforts still managed to yesterday whilst leaning over play kitchen sink with surprise biscuit

At this age it is very tricky. I always asked what the menu was and matched it as closely as I could. I would also offer to take a plate of a whole cake or biscuits which no other mum ever turned down. Dd’s friends got used to her having her lunch box and learnt that her food wasn’t strange. And at this age, you will have to hover. There is no other way.

I think it would be a huge shame to miss things because of this. My dd has a serious allergy and unless we know food is going to be safe, we always bring our own food, I don't think anyone has ever had a problem with us doing this. I think it's especially tough when they're so little though. Yes you have to watch like a hawk. If food can be kept in one area that might help. For when other kids are having things he'd like but can't share, having something on you that you know he'll consider a treat might help? It won't be long before he understands not to share food, hang in there in the meantime xx

I always ask the host for an idea of what they will serve and take a lunch box with similar but appropriate foods for my little ones.

I also try to take along some cakes or biscuits that all the children can eat together so that those with whatever allergies don't feel left out (if the host doesn't mind).

It will get easier OP. It's really hard right now because your DS doesn't understand. Soon he'll be able to understand that some foods make his tummy sore, and he will know to only eat the foods from his special box. It takes planning on your part to always have the special box, but he won't be so confused and upset about it.

YABVU. The world doesn’t revolve around yourself and your child. Both one of mine and myself can’t have certain foods (different foods we can’t have, they are more restricted than I am). We BYO food we can eat including kids parties. Mine is discrete stuff I can pop out of my handbag but by bit without being obvious. When my child was the age yours is we just did a special lunchbox for them to take. If it was a party they had a ‘party’ box with exciting contents. If a more low key picnic in the park then a more low key content lunch box and so forth. If you train your child in this regard from the beginning it’s not hard.

My child took their own lunch bag everywhere until approx 15yo. They then swapped to my handbag system and now take a large size handbag with food portioned our inside so it can be discretely brought out to be nibbled on. Obviously nothing that needs refrigeration. I even use this system at things like weddings to avoid causing an unnecessary fuss with special food requests and my child is following suit.

So instead of throwing your arms up about it all concentrate your efforts on a system that will work, as it is possible, and how this system can grow and adapt as your child grows. It is hard at that age when you have to watch them with general food out, there will be no sitting back and relaxing, but they don’t stay like that forever and it won’t be long before your training will be set in stone in their mind and you won’t have to worry about them scavenging stuff.

@danigrace I was lucky in that regard because my mum was prepared when they found out I had food allergies. My middle sister was the trial by fire one, because she was the first with allergies in our family and my mum learnt the hard way what to do when eating out or at parties. It did get to a point where my friends would want what I had because it was nicer than what was served and once I was old enough to discern what I could and couldn't eat I was happy to do swops . The trick is to make it what your kid wants to eat and a bit extra/better so they feel special rather than singled out. It is easier to say no this one is yours than you can't have xyz, especially while they're little. Even now at 23 almost 24 my mother will offer to make a treat box when I'm going to a party of sorts . Thankfully I don't need it so much now I know what I can eat but it does make me smile. I half expect when I get married she'll arrive with one just incase.

Did they know about your dairy situation? If so, that's not very kind of them to make it cheese themed.

I have a 2 year old who is really allergic to milk and egg. Milk to the point of needing an epipen.

Our close family and friends always cater for us. But for big parties/Christmas events, I bring our own food. And cake and snacks. Then I will ask, what the have cooked and check if it’s dairy free. If it is, then ds gets to eat the same food. If not we explain it’s sore for him. Sometimes he tantrums, sometimes not, but he needs to learn. Otherwise when he is older it will be a shock.

He is usually happy with his own cake if I have one with me. (I often batch cook cupcakes and pancakes so we have some frozen ready)

We have a little Boy with allergies in my sons class. Before parties we tell mum or she messages to ask what we will be serving and she brings exactly the same stuff but safe for Her son. We do the same for paRty bags.... i send an empty bag and tell mum what will be going in and she adds some extras if what will be in the bag won’t be safe. Most of us know now which brands are safe for him too so tend to use those for sandwiches and party bags. Most people will be understanding but some people are just twats! I made a safe cupcake for him this year and the mum was so appreciative she sent home a bottle of fizz.

It's tricky now as your DS is so young, but he'll soon be old enough to understand that some foods make him poorly and then you'll be able to relax a bit more.

My dd and I are vegan. I know it's very different because it's an ethical decision and eating something non-vegan wouldn't have made her ill, but the food restrictions were the same as yours.

I took her to loads of birthday parties when she was little, took her own little lunchbox (made sure there was stuff that looked like proper party food) and let her know if any of the food provided was ok to eat. She still enjoyed the parties.