AIBU to not want to spend long at PILs this Christmas?

[Liveandletlive01]

Hi, question: how long do i, my husband and our 3 children have to stay at PILs house on Boxing Day??? She (MIL) is cooking dinner. I ask as I dread going over there, MIL and I do not speak. She is a narcissist, if she is not in control - she will make u pay (I’ve paid a few times over the years!). Husbands thinks all day, I’m thinking 2 hours?

Sounds miserable for you. You and she do not speak? At all? I’d be buggered if I went anywhere that I wasn’t spoken to. Are you being forced to go?

If you really don’t speak, like don’t even exchange pleasantries then no time is the answer!

If you don’t speak, why are you going at all?

Send dh and the kids. Stay in, eat chocolate and watch movies!

I wouldn’t go anywhere where the host didn’t talk to me.
Send them and have a day at home on your own.

3 hours

I wouldn't go at all if I was going to be treated like that. How old are your DC? Do they want to go?

Difficult to know what's led to this without back story but I'd give my parents hell if they treated DH like that for no good reason and I'd expect the same from him. Is your DH not bothered how MIL treats you?

She will say hello, pleasantries etc, but we are past the point of having a conversation. Too much water under the bridge. I’m only going as DH looks like a puppy when he asks me to join him, I am considering not going as I think about it, but I thought I have to make some sort of “show” for his and the kids sake??

Not being spoken to by a narcassost sounds ideal. Id say 2-3 hours and Id bring a book.

Just be ‘under the weather’ on the day then there’s no need for scenes and explanations if you don’t feel like it. She will get it and you know the truth. Your DH shouldn’t be exposing you to such shittiness at Christmas or any other time really - puppy eyes or not.

He is bothered at the time of each incident but quickly forgotten as its his mum. Example: when DS no3 was born c section I asked the rich retired MIL if she would help once a week with the other DD’s as I couldn’t lift etc, I didn’t get a no just excuses (usually “oh the thing is I have a cold, or the gas mans coming” then little dig “didnt u want these children”. I am torn between never wanting to see her but also I don’t want to upset DH (he says he hates going without me) I have managed to not go since feb/mar time

Diplomatic illness.

I wouldn’t go at all and certainly would not subject the children to her either, it really is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Your husband has been well trained by her, such reactions are typical in adult children of narcissists. He still wants her approval on some level.

Just be honest and say you aren't going. He knows why.

Is it far away? I’d probably send dh & kids for the afternoon/evening and follow them about the time the meal is served. Assuming you mean your MIL is cooking the evening meal (which is ‘dinner’ where I live).

Make an excuse ‘sitting with a sick friend’, or don’t. If she gets shitty with you, smile and say ‘l honestly thought the best Xmas present I could give you is time alone with dh.’

Then make it a tradition.

He hates going without you... oh well tough shit for him. Stand your ground. You don't want to upset him but he doesn't seem THAT arsed about you being upset by her.

I'm not sure that's a great example - I don't see that it's wrong of her to choose not help out once a week. It'd be nice if she had, but it's not owed to you.

The cracks about didn't you want all these dc were nasty tho.

Any chance of saying after ml that you have a massive headache and just have to lie down. Retire to the guest room with your handbag ( and fine/tablet/ipad) for a couple of hours and then rejoin the family and say you’re now feeling sick and need to get home asap because it’s obviously a virus.
Otherwise I’d give DH a sympathetic hug and tell him that you just can’t take any more visiting, that it’s for best etc. She’s his mum and if he feels he needs to go, that’s ok with you.

Why does he hate going without you to see his own mother?

Is it because whilst you’re there she is focusing on you bring her emotional punch bag instead of him?

If I wasn’t on good terms with someone I would not be going to visit them.
I’d presume they wouldn’t really be wanting to see me either. And life’s too short being miserable and allowing people to be nasty to you.

I feel like this is something you can agree to spending the whole day with her and getting dh to make plans. Then on the day pack him and the kids off while you stay home with a stomach bug/migraine/explosive uncontrollable fits of murder. Then you have a day to potter around the house getting things sorted post Christmas.

Op I'm saying a big fuck you to in laws after last year. There's no way I'm going there after last year's monstrosity.

Be free say no!!

Can I ask u Momasita what happened last year?

I think I’ll see how I feel the day before, if it’s stressing me out seeing her I’m playing a sickie, she is one of these that will slyly do things to make u feel like crap, the conversation has to always be about her, if I mentioned how well I did or that me and DH had a night out she would walk out of the room, no one bloody notices accept me! Ahhhhhhh

It's too outing. Let's say... It was crystal clear we are in a narcs golden child scenario...

Mil barely spoke to us... Including dh... Mil still offers dh coffee when never in his entire life has he liked it... Mil has screamed at me in the past how she knows dh better than anyone whilst blaming me for his faults....

But mostly it was how the dc were treated by aunt.. One received a gift.. The other didn't. The youngest one.

Neither pil said a word. But Mil aggressively attacked dh over something he had forgotten to take aboard for a relative...
Also the way she spoke to my df before he died....

Nope.

They can sit in their boring misery and congratulate each other on how they recycle wrapping paper being frugal at Xmas whilst in every day life.. They spend thousands on themsekves