To call the police on my GS

[JoyofSticks]

who is currently smashing his bed up because he is not allowed out age 13, he's already known to the police and has been permanently excluded form school. I don't know what to do, my DD is with him and I'm worried about them both.

I would, but it will be a hard thing to do :(

Is he involved with CAMHS? Do they or local social services have an emergency line?

If not, call police but explain you're looking for support not arrest.

Keep an eye on any restraint techniques they use. They should be trained but some may use dangerous stress positions,e.g. face down on floor.

Longer term, you all need support. A call to police or an emergency line may help fast track that a bit.

I don't know about CAHMS, someone has been out to try and meet him in order to work out what to do but GS has refused to see him, he is meant to be attending a PRU[they used to be called] but has only attended once. The person who came out said he was 'one below' social services.

You are worried about them. Call!

Call. A visit from the police might be the thing that gets social services involved properly, your DD needs all the help she can get to get your GS the help she needs.

He's calmed down now, last time the police came round for him [to arrest him] it took two officers to get him out of bed and then three to do something else at the station. I'm not calling them now but I've told my DD I shall be doing so next incident. I don't know what they will do and I don't want to alienate my GS but something has to change or my DD will just be being abused by another male, GS has seen DD abused by his dad and stepdad.

This is such a tough situation. We had a similar case at a meeting recently. Our agency was offering support to the parents as the son was being so violent. They were reluctant to get police involved but they wanted the mental health team to do something. The MHT said it was a public order issue not a mental health issue. The police said it was a mental health issue....
The difficulty here is knowing whether the behaviour is caused by underlying causes or just learnt behaviour. Either way this pattern of behaviour needs to stop or your DD will end up seriously hurt one day.
I would call the police but as PP has suggested, say that it's support you need not an arrest. They will have a duty to inform social services which might prompt a proper intervention and some (what sounds like) much needed support for your DD.
Failing that you can make an annonymous referral to social services stating you're worried about his behaviour. SS have a duty to investigate. They are on your side and there to help you DD and GS.

OP maybe this is less mental health and more an inability to manage his emotions - outbursts of anger because of the poor role models he had in his dad and stepdad. He might not know any other way to express his anger. Maybe some anger management/ emotional expression retraining would help? Your DD might be able to look for voluntary organizations that run classes (could ask through GP and school), things like helping him to recognise what the red mist is, what commonly triggers it for him, and simple things to do when he feels it starting. Also identifying positive male role models (sports ppl or celebs or whoever) who are calm/ learned to get a grip on their temper. It’s hard for a 13 yr old to have insight into their own behavior without some help.

Ok. Now that he is calm, your DD needs a more long term plan. Has an ‘Early Help’ assessment been done? This can be done by school / police / medical staff etc. It will trigger a ‘Team Around Family’ meeting which means that CAMHS, Ed psych, school, etc can be enlisted to help. It may involve social services (not always) but it sounds like that might be helpful too.

Has she had any contact with Barnardos? They run courses for parents and children struggling with things like this. Depending on where you are, the Brathay Trust might also be helpful.

I guess what I’m saying is build a team and have a plan. Your GS and DD must feel seagull right now (and you, of course) and giving them a way to take back some control might be helpful.

I’m sorry you’re all going through this

*awful (dunno where ‘sesgull’ came from!)

Exactly what @Jekyllandhydesmother says.

Call the Police on your GS? Why would you do this. He’s 13 parent him, if your daughter doesn’t you do it. Hormones are all over the place at this age. Why would you add the Police into the mix?

I would call the police anyway. He needs to learn there is a reaction to every action. He needs to learn that smashing up his bed up will result in police coming. It needs to be done now before he’s an adult and he’s smashing some poor girl he’s dating bed up or worse her.

You need to seek some help now whilst things are calm. Call social services and have an informal chat before deciding if you need to making a referral to them or to someone else.

Far too often police involvement is at best over excessive and sometimes plain aggressive and antagonistic and for a child dealing with trauma can add another level of trauma to deal with.

Obviously situations arise where you feel you have no option at that particular moment but act now before this child is further traumatised.

Get real User. If you haven't seen the damage a large (even small) angry 13 yr old can do you don't know. He's seen the behaviour of the males in his life and sees that's how to go. I'd call the police in a heartbeat, as many people said the y can be the conduit for other agencies.
Hope you get help,op.

If he smashed his bed up he has to sleep on the floor. It sounds like dd still has the upper hand, he didn't go out?!
Yes to therapy, anger management healthy diet and exercise. He has a lot of issues which need help but his behaviour needs consequences. No to police unless he is violent to people.

Those naively saying "why would you call the police?" have no idea what it's like trying to parent a child traumatised by being brought up witnessing DV, or the game of pass-the-parcel that agencies over-stretched by budget cuts engage in.

OP you have my sympathy. My DSis had to do the same with my nephew - after repeated rounds of social services saying her son had mental health problems, so was the health service's problem, not theirs, and the health service saying he was social service's problem, not theirs, she had to get police involvement just to get the help and support they needed.

However, the advice to talk through things now, when everyone is relatively calm, rather than wait for the next outburst, is a good one. You could also go to the police now and ask if you could make an appointment to talk to a specialist DV officer, to see if they could put a flag on your address so the right people with the right training are sent promptly if he does kick off again (given police have already been involved, I think this might be a way forward).

He's witnessed his mum being abused by his dad and stepdad.

He has therefore experienced abuse. He's traumatised.

No wonder he's having such difficulties. It's sadly not unusual for a child in this situation. When exactly do you think he was supposed to learn that men behaving like this in their homes isn't normal? If both his male parental figures abused the family, why are you surprised this is happening?

What has your daughter done to understand abuse? What have you done? What have you done to heal the damage those abusive men inflicted on this child?

Rather than treating him like he's another violent male who needs to be arrested and punished, maybe get him some help for trauma and for the abuse he's suffered.

It's really sad that you're so focused on putting blame on him, and so little on acknowledging he has been abused too. He is a child. He is not your daughter's violent partner. He is another victim of that man.

Fight for him to get the right support.

His mother - who is supposed to protect him and keep him safe - brought two violent men into his home. Meanwhile he was powerless to stop their abuse or escape that environment. Of course he's fucking angry and disturbed. Wouldn't you be?

If he's doing this at 13 he likely has underlying trauma he cannot process from when he was a younger child.

Did he ever witness domestic violence? Or similar? Verbal or physical.

A 13yr old who's doing that needs counselling. Asap.

Just rtft sorry. He deffo needs help OP. He is struggling. He is traumatised. Even if he witnessed this as young as around 15m-18m old it can have the same ripple effect as a pre/teen.

I think he needs to be assessed by the local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS). It sounds like he has experienced trauma in his past and now that he is hitting hormone central he doesn't know how to express himself. Get to the GP with your daughter, explain what's happening and they will refer him because he needs support before this gets out of hand. Remember he has witnessed domestic violence so this needs to be dealt with before he loses his temper and does something he will regret.

My dad used to say there are no bad children only bad parents. He was right