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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call the police on my GS

43 replies

JoyofSticks · 30/11/2018 19:12

who is currently smashing his bed up because he is not allowed out age 13, he's already known to the police and has been permanently excluded form school. I don't know what to do, my DD is with him and I'm worried about them both.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 10:14

I agree, @BarbarianMum I've noticed that there's a tendency to see only girls as victims of abuse, whereas this just isn't true. My DB was abused as a child as well as DSis and me and he's now a severely damaged adult. The OP's DS is behaving like a severely damaged buy and such damage will become irresistible eventually.

I'm not saying calling the police won't be a necessary way to push for help, and to protect your DD, though, it might come to that. I've had to cope with violence in my 9 year old adopted DD1; she can trash her room by throwing things around and that can be scary at times. A 13 year old boy would be capable of causing a lot of damage to the people around him and to the house.

I liked the suggestion of making an appointment with the DV officer at your local police station to ask for advice.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 01/12/2018 10:15

User . Are you naturally bitchy or do you work on it ??

OneInEight · 01/12/2018 10:35

My dad used to say there are no bad children only bad parents. He was right

That really makes me feel great (not) and pretty much absolves any responsibility on the child. But hey maybe I am a crap parent because my parents were crap. Luckily it is a while since Police were involved in my two but we did find they were able to kickstart services into action in a way no-one else seemed able particularly school so it would not necessarily be a bad thing for your dgs to call if you need help.

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/12/2018 10:59

Yeah don’t get me wrong my urge to call the police is not about punishment. It’s about learning what the appropriate reaction is to violence. Because he hasn’t seen it happen to the 2 key male role models in his life. So it’s important he learns it now before the consequences become adult consequences. They also kick start support services.

User maybe your dad was right. He must feel awful about raising someone with absolutely no compassion whatsoever.

Original poster
JoyofSticks · 01/12/2018 11:12

Thanks for [most of] your replies. GS did not go out without mum's permission which I see as a very big positive. He has witnessed his mum being abused yes and his male role models have been detrimental to his way of learning how to communicate and figure things out. My DD has done the right thing by excluding these men from GS's life and is now working on repairing the family. What happened last night could be called a tantrum caused by GS not getting his own way but as he's 13 he can do a lot more damage than a small child having a tantrum. I considered calling the police as I didn't know where else to go for help. DD and I are looking at options now, ex school counsellor said GS needs anger management and other help but as [so far] all services have been voluntary, he has refused them all. It's very simplistic to say that there are no bad kids, because that's just not true, some kids from all backgrounds can find crime and/or violence exciting and appealing and step onto the path of anti-social behaviour or throwing their weight around as they learn who they are and figure out how they want to live their lives. Anyway, today's a new day.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 11:22

I agree that it's too simplistic to say that there are no bad kids. Otherwise are we saying that from a single point in time, their 18th birthday, we can say that they're psychopaths if they commit heinous crimes, whereas if they're legally children their parents are to blame. It's just too simplistic.

ForalltheSaints · 01/12/2018 11:43

I wish the DD could feel able to involve the police about the two men who abused her, even if they are no longer part of her life, if she has not done so already. The sooner they are facing criminal charges and preferably locked up the better.

user1457017537 · 01/12/2018 11:55

Or maybe Ops DD should take responsibility for introducing two abusive men into her sons life. And expecting a different result

ADastardlyThing · 01/12/2018 12:01

Oh fuck off user. I'm guessing they weren't abusive at the very start.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2018 12:05

Some people just LOVE to put the boot in, don't they. I'm sure their lives are just so fucking perfect too. Hmm

JoyofSticks - has any family therapy been offered or suggested? Might help him, if he won't consider any help by himself.

Also your DD probably needs to do the Freedom Programme, if she hasn't already done so.

yawning801 · 01/12/2018 12:28

Yes, because people choose to be in an abusive relationship. It's not that their lives are taken over by their abuser, with him often controlling everything they do and making it very difficult to get help, despite the effects it has on their children. It's just the woman being weak. Did I get that right, user?

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/12/2018 12:31

User I’m really happy for you. Because you have been so lucky in life. You’ve never experienced the coercive insidious behaviour of an abuser. Because if you did you would know that they don’t start of abusive. You would also know that it’s common for women to have multiple abusive relationships purely because they have been conditioned to believe that an abusers love bombing at the start of a relationship is true love. I hope you never find out the reality of an abusive relationship. I also strongly suggest you get the fuck off this thread and stop blaming the mother. She did good. Her son didn’t go out. She’s still in control. She’s doing great.

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 13:12

It's best to just ignore User, who is just being goady and has form for this, I've seen her doing this on numerous other threads.

FWIW, I agree that the OP's DD is doing the right thing here.

Jekyllandhydesmother · 01/12/2018 13:35

Agree with above. Ignore user they are very naïve and lucky to never have experience the manipulation of an abuser.

Your DD needs support but so does your GS. She can called the national domestic abuse helpline and they are amazing at offering support and can signpost to other local agencies:
0808 2000 247

user1457017537 · 01/12/2018 13:59

Because I am sticking up for a vulnerable 13 year old boy. Think it says more about you than me

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 14:12

No one is saying that he isn't vulnerable, after all he and his mum have been through an awful lot. That doesn't mean that he should get what he wants by be

Lizzie48 · 01/12/2018 14:13

By breaking his bed. He clearly has a lot of issues going on but ignoring his bad behaviour won't help him.

Applepudding2018 · 01/12/2018 14:59

@user1457017537 I'm trying to work out whether you are sheltered and naive, goady or lacking in intelligence.

Everybody understands that the OPs grandson is vulnerable. There is a question as to whether his behaviour is around his own mental health, a result of past trauma, or conditioning around witnessing domestic violence throughout his childhood.

Contacting police (who will follow through with s SS referral ) or suggesting that the OP or her DD contact SS is a way of requesting the support that her DD needs both for herself and for her DS. OPs DD can self refer to Freedom Programme and can request referral to CAMHS through her GP. However sometimes things are easier if there is holistic, coordinated support for the whole family.

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