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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about mess or is DH?

55 replies

Orangexxxx · 30/11/2018 17:51

DH and I have a 5 yo DS in school and a 5 week old DS

Im on maternity leave for a year, he's recently returned to work after a significant amount of time off before/after DS2 born - 7 weeks total

Yesterday, DH came home from work and started complaining about :

having to pick up after DS1 (few toys out on floor and coffee table)

The living room floor needed hoovering

DS1 had left out 2 outfits in his room , which DH put away

An instruction manual for DS1 gro-clock being left out by me (due to me never being able to remember how to set it , and as we set it for different times on weekends and weekdays I left it out next to the gro clock)

...

For a bit of context DS1&2 rooms were extensively plastered and decorated and furniture put together by DH before DS2 arrived, (and they are both beautifully done and look lovely) So I do understand him being careful about them not becoming a tip

But AIBU to expect him to just do these things, and not complain about doing it?

I'm SAHM now, exclusive breastfeeding so his nights aren't disturbed and mine are, im knackered, juggling two children, school runs, DH shifts, the house is generally clean and tidy..washing and ironing done, all the usual

We're now not speaking as he pissed me off complaining about these things as if i don't have enough to do, having a go at me for keeping the instruction manual out and for not picking up after myself (even though it's not myself, it's the DS's!)

Today he offered an insincere apology , just because he didn't want us to not be talking so said , over text, "sorry for asking you to pick up after yourself"

AIBU?

OP posts:
pointythings · 30/11/2018 19:17

That thing with the bag is just passive-aggressive bullshit. When you have a newborn, household standards drop. That's life. Is everyone warm, safe, fed and in clean clothes? Then carry on, the rest is gravy.

Have you got a HV you can talk to about this? Because he is being massively unreasonable and you need support to raise this with him and draw some lines in the sand.

FWIW if my OH had ever said/done anything like that when I'd spent the day with a baby, he'd have been wearing that bag internally.

EKGEMS · 30/11/2018 19:29

I'd ask him one important question: burial or cremation? You tell him not to bother coming home tomorrow if he's going to be a son of a bitch when he gets home

Runnynosehunny · 30/11/2018 19:32

I've kind of grown to understand that when he is generally grumpy or tired, if he has to do something around the house, then I always get it in the ear hear about it

Don't make excuses for him, orange. If anyone is tired in this situation its you, a new mum who is up multiple times per night bfing the baby. And I bet you don't speak to him like that.
Another thing he doesn't get to make all the rules. If you prefer to be a bit more relaxed about putting things away even if you aren't tired or busy, but just prefer to be a bit more laid back about tidying up then that is perfectly reasonable and he has no right to boss you around to do it immediately.
The fact is he is shaping up to tell you he is the big man, out to work while you are lazing at home watching daytime TV and painting your nails, and that makes him the boss of you and he can order you around and be rude to you. Don't stand for it!

Paris14eme · 30/11/2018 19:36

When my twins were about 10 weeks old (I had 2 other children aged 4 and 6 at the time) my husband came home from work- house a bit messy but everyone bathed and clothes clean, dinner for him on the hob etc - and he actually said:” have you no pride?”.
Needless to say, 7 years on, I got back to work and we are no longer together.
I feel for you OP.

LorraineBainesMcFly · 30/11/2018 19:36

Awesome so he clocks off from everything when he gets in the door??
Your not a fucking employee!
Not much of a partnership is it.......what a twat he sounds,
YANBU at all.

Singlenotsingle · 30/11/2018 19:37

Write a list of everything you've done today. Seriously. I'm sure you can account for every minute.

He's a CF to think you've been sitting on your bum all day.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2018 19:39

"this doesn't need to be on the floor does it" and walked away

Who does he actually think he is? Your father?

He can sod off.

trojanpony · 30/11/2018 19:40

This is a saddest excuse for an apology

"sorry for asking you to pick up after yourself"

It’s not even factually correct.

I agree you need to have home walk a mile in your shoes...

kitkatsky · 30/11/2018 19:45

If your house had a mouse Cos you were so crap at housework he'd still be unreasonable to have a ho when you have such a young baby, esp as you also have another child to care for. You are definitely not the unreasonable one!

InfiniteVariety · 30/11/2018 19:46

He sounds like a control freak - has he never heard the expression "don't sweat the small stuff"?

These are incredibly minor examples of untidiness in an otherwise well-looked-after house, thanks to YOU. He needs to get real and understand how hard things are for you. Sit him down and tell him.

DangerousBeanz · 30/11/2018 19:53

When our dd was new born my dh was working away 5 days a week with a 300 mile commute at weekends. On Friday night he'd arrived home at about 10pm to a complete shit hole.
He'd take the baby, send me to bed, only wake me up to bfeed then take her straight away to settle her and I'd emerge about noon on Saturday to a tidy house with the washer on.
He figured that he'd had 5 nights unbroken sleep and relaxing evenings whereas I was on my knees with lack of sleep. So he picked up the slack. I never asked, he just did it.
And that is what a father does. They parent.
Your dh is being completely unfair and isn't pulling his weight.

Purplejay · 30/11/2018 19:57

Your DH is being a twat.

plaidlife · 30/11/2018 19:59

OP, for a couple of years I wasn't working and we had a full time live in maid, my DH routinely came home to more mess than that!
Normal family life comes with a certain amount of clutter at times, he behaving like a passive aggressive prat.

Original poster
Orangexxxx · 30/11/2018 20:09

dangerousbeanz your DH sounds like a dream Halo

TBF, when DH was off for 4 weeks after birth, he was pretty good, he was getting up with DS1, taking to school, allowing me to lay in as long as I could with DS2 , he done the majority of the cooking too.

He's gone back to work and has turned into a wanker

Like does he think it's going to be easier for me when he's at work? Rather than harder ?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 30/11/2018 20:36

You need to nip this in the bud now. Is attitude is unacceptable and unreasonable.

He decorated a room once so you have to keep it free from the tiniest bit of clutter forever. Fuck off.

He gets angry if there is a normal level of tidying up to do yet he expects you to do it all. Fuck that.

You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

Babies are hard. Bf is hard. There were days I never managed even to wash myself let alone tidy the house.

You need to sit down and have a really serious discussion about what you expect from him.

If you don't this will build and build and you may stab him in the face once night he comes home and opens his stupid mouth. Or maybe that's just me 😁

Original poster
Orangexxxx · 01/12/2018 21:15

So he hasn't apologised and we're not talking....

WWYD?

OP posts:
Namechange8471 · 01/12/2018 21:17

Send him a link to this thread!

TheyBuiltThePyramids · 01/12/2018 21:25

When dd was that old, DH used to come home from work, take the baby and bring me a gin and tonic in the bath. I had a nice half an hour to chill before starting bedtime stuff and we would share dinner prep stuff. If he had come home and criticised ANYTHING at that point I would have cut his bollocks off.

ToPlanZ · 01/12/2018 21:45

I second showing him the thread.

Rachel0Greep · 01/12/2018 21:52

You mentioned OCD, does he have a diagnosis for it?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 01/12/2018 21:53

He's being a dick and his "apology" is even more insulting than saying nothing at all.

BlackeyedGruesome · 01/12/2018 21:59

he might have plastered rooms, but you have grown two new humans and are currently keeping one of them alive exclusively from your body.

endofthelinefinally · 01/12/2018 21:59

He sounds immature and actually quite nasty. He is speaking to you as if you are a naughty child.
Very unattractive.
I agree with pp, you are not the maid. You are his partner and the mother of his children. You deserve some respect.
In other cultures you would be waited on hand and foot until your baby was at least 6 weeks old.

JennyOnAPlate · 01/12/2018 22:03

He's an utter knob. Please do tell him I said that.

ILoveAllRainbows · 01/12/2018 22:04

I would show him this thread. Some men just do not realise how tiring it is coping with babies and toddlers all day.

It might not be their fault, like a lot of things, until you actually have to do it yourself, it is difficult to understand.