To get anxious with this school stuff

[whenitwaseasy]

Dd started reception in September.
She’s doing fine.
I’m really struggling with anxiety surrounding it all.
She’d really like a friend she’s made to come for a play date. I’ve mentioned it to friends mum, who said ok, but I don’t want to look needy and keep asking for specific dates/times.
Do 4 year olds parents usually allow them on play dates when they don’t know the other child’s parents very well? Due to before and after school club I’ve only met the other parent in person once.
I’m worried she doesn’t want her dd to come and I’m torn between messaging her re getting a date in the diary and looking needy or just leaving it be and looking rude.
I’ve also tried to add who I thought was a school mum friend on Facebook and she’s ignoring my request which is sending my anxiety through the roof.
She’s accepted another mum from the class but not me? All 3 of us chat on the school run.
Now I’m worrying that I’ve put myself out there and tried to be confident and friendly but they don’t like me?
There was also another mums 30th birthday party and lots of mums were invited, but not me, which hurt as I speak to this mum most days, and thought we were friendly.
I HATE HATE HATE this whole school mum stuff.
I don’t want to do the school run, or pester people for play dates they don’t want, or try to make friends with other mums and constantly second guess what people think of me and have crippling paranoia.

I’ve learnt from reading posts on here that it’s better to drop and run, and just be civil.
But this is impossible when my child is begging for play dates. I’m going to have to speak to parents aren’t I?

Drop kid off, smile and leave, pick kid up, smile and leave. Your child will either be popular or they won’t, nothing you do will change that. Friendly, polite but don’t get involved at the school gates is the best advice I was ever given.

People don’t think anything much. They are just busy. Everyone is absorbed in their own world and really doesn’t have time ...if you want to invite the child to play, do it. At a specific time and Note in book bag will do it. They’ll say yes or no. If it’s yes, fine, if it’s no, it will just be a bad day, try again if you want to. Or just invite them to the park after school.

It really doesn’t have anything to do with you personally. People are just up to their eyeballs in stuff and rushing from here to there full of kids and work and stuff and their kids are coming out of school loaded with 12 bags and six letters and an urgent need to tell you about how they make a flute out of loo roll holder. Even trying to attach which child belongs to which adult is fraught at this time of the school year let alone being able to remember both names. Kids are running off all over the place, most adults are sprinting after them and losing the toddler or trying to be outside three classrooms at one time and catch the bus which is ten minutes walk away and comes in five.

My four year old used to beg for chocolate for breakfast, you don’t have to give them everything they ask for!! Just relax, it will come in time.

I really don’t care if she’s popular or not if I’m honest! As long as she goes to school and tries to learn I’m happy.
It’s just the anxiety of trying to sort play dates, and hearing about social arrangements other mums are organising etc.
I really really went out of my comfort zone to add the one particular mum on fb. I am never normally that brave. But we’ve spoken most days for the past 10 or so weeks and I presumed we were friends. And then to get my friend request ignored I feel hurt to be honest.
I’m definitely just going to drop, smile and run.
I’m not there to make friends.

I would expect a parent to come on a playdate of a reception age child to be honest, unless I have known the parent and child for a while eg younger sibling or they were at preschool together. My 4 year old hasn't been on any play dates this year though as he is so tired after school, and I would also have to work out what to do with his older brother at the same time or bring him along.

I don’t want my daughter to suffer with the same anxiety as me.
Outwardly I seem confident and friendly but on the inside I second guess what people think of me, over analyse every conversation, get paranoid they hate me etc.
I want it to be different for her.
If she wants to have friends round then I’m happy with that.
It’s navigating the parents tho.

Yeah I did wonder re whether they were too young for a solo play date.
Maybe I’ll invite mum too. Or suggest meeting somewhere.

Drop, smile and run is fine if you have a fantastic support network already. If you don't then knowing other parents can make your life a lot easier in the long run. I'm not very sociable by nature but have a couple of friends now who I know would pick up my kids from school if i was running late etc, and I would do the same for them. And another group who aren't really good friends but I know would watch my kids in an emergency. Maybe I worry about these things over much as I've had two sudden life threatening medical emergencies in the family in the last few years. But for me knowing other people is reassuring.

Chill. It's not that deep.

I would recommend you see a GP, considering adding someone of Facebook brave is a worrying level of anxiety.

They might not like you. Which is their choice and no reflection on you at all. Or they might just be busy or not that into FB or many other things. Again, no reflection on you.

The play date thing is a separate situation. I would just text/email or speak to the mum and suggest a date, being clear that she or dad (or other parent) could come along too.

They probably don’t like me!
I’m not sure.
But it makes me feel like crap.

Seriously, don't get caught up worrying about the FB thing. Plenty of people (including me) have very specific rules about who they'll add as FB friends. Like, she might only use it for close family, or something.

Next time you see her just say 'X has been wanting to invite your daughter for a play date. Would tomorrow after school suit you?'

I’m trying not to worry about the fb thing.
She probably doesn’t even think I care.
But it was a big thing for me to ask someone to be my friend.
As someone said before she seemed genuine and thought it may be good to have a bit of a support network.
I just feel awkward at the thought of talking to her now, as she doesn’t want to be my friend!
Sounds so childish sorry!
Not sure re if she doesn’t accept lots of friends requests. She’s got 500 odd friends on there and another mum we talk to each day is a mutual friend (we all met at the same time so not previous friends)
I’ll try not to make a mountain out of a molehill tho.
And yes, perhaps I should just text play date mum.
I’ll say she’s welcome to come too.
It’s just all a social minefield.

OP I would tend to assume that they are busy. It's full on being a parent and don't forget that some of the parents might be juggling work, multiple pick ups and drop offs and who knows what else.

From experience, it can sometimes take a few attempts to sort out play dates because people get caught up with all their other life 'admin' tasks. I feel guilty sometimes when my DS asks if they can go over so and so's house because their friend says it's OK and they don't really understand that the adults have to arrange a suitable date and time.

Relax and don't take it personally. The fact that you are clearly so concerned about doing the right thing for your DC even though you feel anxious about it is to your credit.

I sort of know what you mean.

Firstly, the play dates thing. I wouldn’t expect the other parent to come on the play date but that is because of the child has older or younger siblings, then that would be a bit of a nightmare. Having said that, I have met parents of only children who were quite taken aback by that.

Re play dates. For my first child, I was very keen to organise them and get to know all the kids. However, there are quite a few kids who don’t do many play dates (because they have lots of siblings or the parents work full time) and they are still very well liked.

You may be rather overinvested in the school mums. It takes a while to build friendships. Take a step back and be friendly but you don’t have to become great friends with this mum overnight.

Maybe I’ll just take a step back.
See if dd gets invited to any play dates and if so we can invite back.
She does keep going on and on about this particular friend she’s made tho, so perhaps I’ll text the mum and ask if she wants to come for coffee for an hour while the girls play.

I get this anxiety I was badly bullied at school. I have tried to just stay on the outside mine are a bit older now but I have made some friends with other mums. It's tough OP but don't take it personally.

I think this is my exact problem.
I was bullied at school and struggle with stuff like this.
I have quite a few friends out of school and some work friends who I get on well with.
The playground is just a different level of weird though.
I find it cliquey and it makes me nervous.
Maybe I’m acting a bit desperate and that puts people off.
Or maybe I’m acting too cool and they think I’m stand offish.
Genuinely couldn’t tell you.
Roll on 9 years time when all my kids will be old enough to do the school run without me!

My heart goes out to you op, I think sending a FB friend request is incredibly brave (I've never done it, too many what ifs) and you should feel at least a bit proud. Navigating after school playtime with little ones is terrifying for people with anxiety issues and it sucks because we want our children to play with their friends and form friendships right? Ive had to step up and speak to my sons friends mum to ask about the boys playing, just ask to solidify a time and place. If a play date is important to you op you will do this!

@LilMadAgain thank you so much for your reply.
You’ve summed up exactly what I’m trying to say!
I’m going to be 40 years old in a few years and sending a friend request was terrifying.
At least I was brave enough to do it to begin with I suppose.

If the friend request has been pending ages I would just cancel the request then pretend it never happened, completely forget you requested it. if she adds you later on, just wait a day or so then accept the request.
School mums are weird, I had one delete me from Facebook the day before my dds party and she still turned up with her kid - I thought that was weird! At least wait til after surely.
The play date mum is probably waiting for you to suggest a date, usually if you are inviting a child over you would suggest a day. I usually just say to X mum "can X come round after school on Tuesday? You are welcome to come or I can just collect her from school if its easier"
I know how you feel, school playground gives me anxiety, I was very unliked in school and I had no friends! I just try and keep to myself and chat casually to the nicer mums.

It’s been pending for about a week!
I was torn between just leaving it pending and acting like I don’t care, or deleting the request and her knowing I’d deleted it and look a bit pathetic!
It’s stressing me out far more than it probably should.
I’m going to text school mum re play date.
If she doesn’t reply or just says “no” then at least I’ve tried right.
It’s no reflection on me.
I’ve worked in nurseries for years, have a full dbs check, my house is registered for childminding although I’ve not started it up yet, I have nannied for 8 or so families, currently babysit for lots, and I’ve looked after hundreds if not thousands of children in my working career!
So I’m just going to try to remind myself that it doesn’t reflect badly on me, as thousands of parents have trusted me to look after their children!

Just text the mum.
Why is this so bloody hard!
Don’t think she’ll be up for a play date.
Not sure why!
Trying to second guess what reasons she might have.
We’ve got no pets, live in a naice area, house clean and hygienic!
Wish I didn’t care.

If she does say no it is very much more likely to be to do with her and her child than to do with you!