To get anxious with this school stuff

[whenitwaseasy]

Dd started reception in September.
She’s doing fine.
I’m really struggling with anxiety surrounding it all.
She’d really like a friend she’s made to come for a play date. I’ve mentioned it to friends mum, who said ok, but I don’t want to look needy and keep asking for specific dates/times.
Do 4 year olds parents usually allow them on play dates when they don’t know the other child’s parents very well? Due to before and after school club I’ve only met the other parent in person once.
I’m worried she doesn’t want her dd to come and I’m torn between messaging her re getting a date in the diary and looking needy or just leaving it be and looking rude.
I’ve also tried to add who I thought was a school mum friend on Facebook and she’s ignoring my request which is sending my anxiety through the roof.
She’s accepted another mum from the class but not me? All 3 of us chat on the school run.
Now I’m worrying that I’ve put myself out there and tried to be confident and friendly but they don’t like me?
There was also another mums 30th birthday party and lots of mums were invited, but not me, which hurt as I speak to this mum most days, and thought we were friendly.
I HATE HATE HATE this whole school mum stuff.
I don’t want to do the school run, or pester people for play dates they don’t want, or try to make friends with other mums and constantly second guess what people think of me and have crippling paranoia.

Yeah, I know you’re probably right.
Just means I’ll second guess myself!
What a week, rejected on Facebook and probably about to be rejected over text message too!
Being a school mum is hard work!

School mum is undoubtedly waiting for you to text re dates.

Look at it from her point of view - you've suggested her DD come round, she's said yes, then you don't make any further move. What is she supposed to do? Asking when you were thinking of having her daughter over is just coming to come over as rude. Or she may not to want in case you were just saying "oh so and so must come over" as a vague politeness with no intention of properly inviting.

Re FB - you do realise it's not real life? I can go weeks without noticing friend requests, it's no reflection on anyone.

You sound like me! It's horrible!

Best to be specific when inviting for playdate.
"Would Matilda like to come for tea on Tuesday? You're welcome to come too if she's not ready to come by herself yet".

I have lots of fb friends, but all are involved in politics like me. I only have those politically involved as I only use fb to share political info and plan events/campaigns. Others don't go on fb for weeks at a time, or get lots of fb friend requests and don't always get round to looking at them.

You are reading far too much into them doing nothing. I often don’t notice friend requests for weeks on fb. I only check it now and again. I think it would be pretty odd to deliberately ignore one from a fellow school mum you’re apparently friendly with, so that seems very unlikely.

As for the play date, yes of course she’s waiting for you to give specific times. If someone said ”oh Tabitha would love to have Dd over to play” I would say “oh yes that would be great” and then wait for an actual invitation. It would be pretty rude to start demanding to know when it was going to happen (and if they didn’t follow up for ages I might assume they were just being polite when they said they’d like a play date, but my initial assumption would just be busyness).

Always assume incompetence before malice. People are busy and tired and don’t get round to stuff they’d like to do. It’s almost certainly not personal.

I text her 3 different date options, 1 after school, 1 weekend day and 1 school hols.
Said she’s welcome to come too if she likes.
No reply.

I hope she replies OP, although if someone text me about that now it would be a few hours before I’d checked my diary, done my jobs and sat down to text you back!

I’ll keep you updated!
I just feel bad for my dd to be honest.
She never asked for an anxiety ridden mum and I’m trying my hardest for her.

OP you are doing great. Your dd is lucky to have you. You have gone miles outside your comfort zone to try to get it right for dd. I hope you get a reply soon.

Well not much more I can do!
Tried to make a friend for myself and a friendship for dd!
Think I’ll keep myself to myself from now on!
My dd is with her friend 30 hours a week so as nice as it would be for her to have a play date it’s not the end of the world!

It can take a while for me to respond to texts asking for a specific response because I usually need to check the calendar, check with my partner and so on to make sure it's possible. So don't panic if you don't get a response today!

It's hard - but it's still early days in the whole scheme of things. I'd say that after I switched my kids' schools last year it probably took me until about February before I had people I would consistently chat to at the school gates and it's probably taken me most of the year to have parents that I'd consider to be "friends" from there. And that's with doing the whole PTA thing, classroom volunteering and the like - so not for a want of trying.

I don't go chasing friendships on FB - you get a few school parents who'll go around adding everyone (usually to plug their businesses) and they added me and people randomly add me from those so I have a fair few school parents now - but again, that's taken a long while to get there too.

You don't have to let the necessity of dropping off at and picking up from school have any bearing on your own social life, circles of friends & acquaintances or anything else. You don't have to be a 'school mum'. You've made an invitation. Wait for the response. If it's a no, or she ignores you just move on. It's not a 'rejection', try not to take things so personally.

My four year old used to beg for chocolate for breakfast, you don’t have to give them everything they ask for!! Just relax, it will come in time.

To be fair there's a massive difference between a child wanting something that is bad for them and a child asking for something which would help solidify a budding friendship.

OP I sympathise, I feel almost exactly the same as you. I try to think of school mums and just people I need to be friendly with for the sake of DC. If a genuine friendship forms it's an unexpected bonus. That was if you're knocked back (and probably you haven't been - people are just busy) then oh well they're just acquaintances.

You're right that it's no reflection on you if she doesn't respond. The good news is as the kids get older and their friendships solidify whether or not you're friends with the mums matters much less.

The mum may have anxiety in reverse ie who is this mum who has invited my daughter, I've only known her five mins, what's her house like, I don't know where she lives, I don't know how clean it is etc.

I know you know you're safe/registered for childminding etc but the other mum probably doesn't know that.

I'm funny about Facebook and generally ignore school mum friends unless I've known them a long time.

I would just leave the ball in her court.

If you texted 7.30ish, then she might well be busy with bedtime. Then if she doesn't see the text till her DD is in bed, she may well wait until tomorrow to check with her DD before she replies. So you might not get a reply till tomorrow, or it might even be on Monday when she sees you (in other words, please don't panic when no immediate reply).

My DS isn't starting school until next year and I'm ALREADY anxious about the school stuff. If I work and am not there to do all this socializing with the other kids' mothers, or do weekday playdates, will he be a social outcast?!

I think you need to relax and just be friendly when you can but don't try too hard because you will look needy.
When you can, arrange a play date in a park or public area where the kids can play and you can have a coffee with the Mum so you can suss each other out. Some people don't feel comfortable sending their child for a play without knowing the Mum first, this is the case for me. You may not connect and that is fine. You will make some good friends over time and there will be people you will just not connect with.
Don't overthink it and stay away from friend requests, if they want to be friends of Facebook, let them come to you.
At our last school, I never really connected with the Uber mums but had some lovely easy going friends who have other things going on in their life, not just living through the kids friends.
Relax, be friendly and let all of this thinking go, you'll be fine.

Sorry, just saw you texted. The ball is in her court, if she replies, good, if not, let it go and don't text again. She'll probably be embarrassed when she sees you again. Also some people are terrible replying to texts.

Did she reply?

I feel for you. My advice would be not to worry too much at this stage - I've been in exactly your position. It could be that the other DM doesn't want to leave her DC with someone she doesn't really know - and I don't blame her. I would be the same. My DS really wanted to invite friends to ours from preschool onwards, but as I didn't know the parents or the DC that well, I used to tell him he'd have to wait until he was older and I knew the parents better. I didn't really forge any proper relationships with the parents until DS was in year 2. You WILL get to know some of the parents better, and you may find that the ones you have already met are not the ones you end up being close to.