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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help.. am I wrong

33 replies

Mum2be123 · 30/11/2018 14:57

I have not long had a baby he is 12 days old. Throughout my pregnancy me and my baby’s dad were on and off.. he was controlling not letting me on my phone. Said I’m not going out. He was violent and on my due date he hit me on my face and made me bleed (never made me bleed before) he has took money out of my bank and when someone told him that I could need it for the baby he said he doesn’t care and took the money. He has cheated on me and throughout my pregnancy he has said stuff like he doesn’t want to be involved and he wants a DNA and alsorts of stuff like that. (Nobody knows this is how he was to me) Now I had our son and the first night he went to his nannas to catch up on sleep (he is 16 I’m 17) so I stayed at hospital with our son and I got discharged from the hospital that night. Still I have not slept and was overly tired.. my mum messaged him and said leave it tonight she’s just sleeping so the next day he didn’t want to come till 7pm so I told him to leave it and day 3 he came but my mum said he wasn’t allowed to stay (her house her rules) then I seen him messaging his mum about lawyers and solicitors discussing to take our son off me which has still scared me from this day because I feel so protective and I cannot go anywhere without my son and my baby dad and baby’s nanna was discussing to take him off me!! His mum was messaging me constantly since giving birth asking when I want to register the baby it’s like that was all she was focusing on.. was it because the baby’s dad would be on the birth certificate and then they could have him when they want?? Am I wrong for blocking them all from contacting me? Also through out my pregnancy none of them bought a thing for the baby not even his dad he spent all his money on weed and fortnite. I just want to know what other people would do in my situation thanks

OP posts:

Thesearmsofmine · 30/11/2018 14:59

You need to report him to the police for being violent and stealing your money. My baby would be going nowhere with a violent 16 year old.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/11/2018 15:03

So sorry you've been through this.

Yes, you need to report him to the police for domestic violence.

Where are your parents in this? Can they help you?

No-one will take a newborn baby off you and give it to a violent 16-year old. Please finish with him as soon as possible.

Congratulations on your baby.

Blanchedupetitpois · 30/11/2018 15:03

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Report him to the police for hitting you and the theft. I’m so sorry, I hope you are ok

MatildaTheCat · 30/11/2018 15:06

Report him to the police. Tell your health visitor everything and keep him and his family away.

Let your mum help and protect you both and get support from people you trust. There is no way he will get care of your baby and he doesn’t sound as if he would even try in reality- he’s just threatening you.

You take care of yourself and your baby. Cut him out and do it now.

Snowwontbelong · 30/11/2018 15:06

Please confide in your mw. She won't judge you I promise. Take your dm with you and register your baby with your surname and don't tell him. Keep a diary /timeline going back through your pregnancy, print off any abusive texts, make a file incase you need to see a solicitor in the future. You do not have to allow him or his family access to your child when he is quite frankly a twat. Anything abusive you must report him to the police. If you get crime numbers for his threats against you it may help you get legal aid should you need it.
Block all of them and concentrate on your baby and your own recovery.

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 30/11/2018 15:07

Don’t put him on the birth certificate and report him to the police. If you only do one of those two things, make it the first one.

Drogosnextwife · 30/11/2018 15:08

Register ypur baby without him there, do not put him on the birth certificate, do not give the baby his last name. I did all that with my first because his biological father was a complete waster who wanted nothing to do with him. He got his wish. Don't try to get money from him for your son. Phone the police and report him for abusing you and stealing off you.
Utter waste of space. The next time his mum contacts you tell her to stop contacting or you will report her for harassment.

LostInLeics · 30/11/2018 15:09

Report him to the police, NOW! How dare he assault a pregnant woman. He will be allowed nowhere near your precious baby, please don't worry about his threats. DO NOT put him on the birth certificate under any circumstances. If he is attempting to deny that the baby is his anyway (which is is by asking demanding a DNA test), and is refusing to make any financial contribution, he has absolutely no right to be named as the father on the birth certificate.

TheQueef · 30/11/2018 15:12

Aye lass. He needs reporting to the police asap for abusing you.

Sorry he did this to you

But congratulations on your new

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 30/11/2018 15:16

Another one here to say, do not put him on birth cert, if they find out when your registration appt is..just change it. Congrats btw xx

Linziepie · 30/11/2018 15:21

do not put him on the birth certificate and definitely give him your surname. Block blovk block the lot of them..Taking the baby off you is more likely to be his mother's idea than his so don't stay in touch with her either.

Lovemusic33 · 30/11/2018 15:32

I hope you haven’t put him on the birth certificate 🙁

They are just trying to scare you with the threats. Keep all the messages they are sending you and report to th police.

dontalltalkatonce · 30/11/2018 15:38

Police for the violence. Do not put him on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname. Please tell your MW or HV.

loopylass13 · 30/11/2018 15:43

As other posters have said - DO NOT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!! 100% use your surname.

Hissy · 30/11/2018 15:43

Police., 100% now

Do you have help from your friends/family?

focus on your baby, on your family and cut this vile excuse for a human being out of your lives

do not put him on the birth cert (you have to have him come with you to the register offices if you wanted to have him on the cert anyway - do NOT do this)

Your only job in life now is to protect that little baby from this shit of a dad. I have a crap ex and it's my everlasting regret that I 'chose' such a twat for the father of the boy I love more than anything in the world.

Get support from people who have your best interests at heart. speak to your MW team and your doctor.

BlackrockMum · 30/11/2018 15:45

firstly congratulations on your little fellow, well done you, I hope he brings you so much joy, just enjoy him being little. Secondly tell your family everything they don't know, thirdly ignore frop now as much as possible this 16 year old, he may be the father of the baby but he's so far behind you in maturity, if he's to work with you to love and care for your son , and protect him like a real father then he will have to change is ways and grow up, don't worry about what he says judge him on his actions, don't worry about family trash talk about solicitors and focus on being the mum, what's your plan are you going to get a job, further education? yes if it was me id register birth without him on cert, yes i'd block his family, leave some lines of communication open so if they want to visit your boy they can arrange same through your mum.

Dragongirl10 · 30/11/2018 15:47

Oh op you do have a lot on your plate!

Like others have said, DON'T put him on the birth certificate and keep them all blocked. Please call the police and report the violence, this will prevent him having access to your baby..

Tootyfilou · 30/11/2018 15:51

Congratulations on your baby. Please let your MW know, if she is not calling for a few days, ring the hospital where you had your baby and speak to a midwife on the post -natal ward. Tell them everything you have said in your post. They will be able to advise and will give you extra support... They may contact social services, but do not be alarmed by this, it will only be to protect you and the baby. Do not put his name on the birth certificate! I would also advise you contact the police. Do not engage with him or his family in any way.
I am so sorry that you are going through this and hope you have some support in RL.

StrongTea · 30/11/2018 15:55

You have your whole life ahead of you. Look after yourself and your baby. You do not have to allow him or his family any contact. Pound to a penny it’s all bravado. Do not put his name on the certificate.

Naturalspirit82 · 30/11/2018 16:02

Please phone 101 and report him to the police. Please get advice on how to deal with him, the health visitor can advise you. If you discuss these matters now with the police and health visitor you can settle down and you will have a plan as to what communications to have (or more correctly not have) with the dad and his family x

CantWaitToRetire · 30/11/2018 16:03

As others have said

report him to the police for assault and theft
register your son with your surname and don't have him present, don't put his name on the BC
gather any evidence you have of previous abuse - texts etc
inform the police of any future abuse or violence as soon as it happens
if you suffer any further assaults, take photos of the injuries for evidence

Above all, don't worry about losing your son. No one is going to take a newborn away from its mother and give it to a violent drugged up 16 yo. I'm sorry you're having to go through this OP.

costacoffeecup · 30/11/2018 16:06

What would I do? Keep him far far away from your baby. He is a child himself and he's acting like it which is probably not surprising. But also sounds like he has a violent streak and you should not be exposing your child to that in any way. There is no way he is mature enough to take on any of this responsibility unfortunately (I'm guessing you were probably aware of that when you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy unless he's suddenly changed.) Just concentrate on yourself and your baby. Don't put him on the birth certificate.

nellieellie · 30/11/2018 16:09

Congratulations on your baby.
First thing. Your baby CANNOT be taken from you. (Unless he is at risk of significant harm in your care). No court in this land is going to take a baby from his mum to give to a 16 yr old who has acted as he has.(even if he hadn’t tbh).

Second thing. DO NOT PUT the FATHER on the birth certificate. If you do, he will get legal rights called “Parental Responsibility”. This gives him the right to a say in your child’s upbringing. Given his violent behaviour, you do NOT want this. You do NOT need to put this on the certificate. It is YOUR choice. So DONT.

He can apply to a court for parental responsibility but it’s far from likely he’ll get it based on current and past behaviour.

Thirdly. Confide in your midwife and health visitor. You are very vulnerable at the moment. I would imagine you are scared of the father. As you are so young, the Health visitor should be able to give support and let you know where you can get advice. You do NOT have to let the father see your son, given his threats to take him off you, and given his violence. At some point, there may need to be contact, BUT this has to be in a way that doesn’t put you or your son at risk. At the moment if you do let him see your DS, it should only be when you have your DM or someone who is strong enough to support you with you, and it should be at your house, given his threats.

Fourth. Keep a DIARY of your contact with the father. Log ALL CALLS, and what was said.

You need legal advice, but for now, just think of YOU and your baby. Ignore their threats. Believe me, as long as you care for your DS, they CANNOT take him from you.

Finally. Again. DO NOT put the father on the birth certificate!

FermatsTheorem · 30/11/2018 16:10

Congratulations on your new baby.

Other than that - what everyone else has said:
Do not put him on the birth certificate
Report him to the police for assault and theft
Talk to your health visitors and midwife
Tell his mum that you do not wish to be contacted by her and will report her to the police for harrassment if she continues to hassle you
Talk to your own mum - she will want to support you (sounds like she's made a great start on that one by not allowing him to come round and hassle you the day after birth).

And do not worry - like PP said, there's no way social services will take a new-born baby from his mother and hand him over to a drugged-up, violent teenage boy.

nellieellie · 30/11/2018 16:14

Oh and yes, ideally please do report him to the police for assault. This needs to be on an official record, because if he does try to get contact through the courts, you will need to tell the court. If there is a police report it will have more weight. You also need to report it, because it’s illegal and he deserves the consequences, and you need the protection.

Assault, threats and abuse have no place in a relationship. You are worth so much more. Your partner should be the one person you go to for support, for kindness.

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