to realise dh doesn't really care

[Isthisalltherewillbe]

Recently I've been feeling my husband doesn't care or like me
I've noticed over the past 3 years that my DH doesn't do the things I'd want a partner to do and it's not completely his fault it's mine too.
Things like; we just got a conservatory built and he did it exactly how his mum wanted him to do it even though I didn't agree and wanted a different layout. His mum's very pushy and he tends to just do as he's told. He now realises I was right about the layout but says I didn't push for it and he's right I didn't because I'm exhausted,I hate arguing with him especially over his mum, I like her although she likes to control everything so this time I didn't speak up.
Also things like, my Brother in law picks him wife up from the train station everyday so she doesn't have to walk 5 mins down the road, whereas I walk 25 mins to my home from the train station and never once has my DH offered to pick me up. I'm quite independent so I don't mind walking but the thought would be nice?
He also complains about money so I scrimp and save but he will spend money on lunch out everyday instead of taking food from home or he will buy himself tools and then complain when I say we need a new bathmat for example!
I save movies that I think he will like to watch and he will sit there on his phone the whole time or with his arms crossed, if I try and cuddle up to him I get my bum or boobs fondled instead of just a cuddle so I just sit in my corner and leave him in his.
He used to be so nice and caring and since we got married he doesn't seem to care.
Am I just being a big baby and needy or do I deserve someone who makes me feel loved?

I think you really need to communicate with him about most of this stuff. Walking from the station I wouldn’t see as much of a big deal (but I do agree that the thought would be nice, every now and again).

It sounds like a whole lot of smaller issues that are building up to create quite a big wedge between you both.

He needs to learn to tell his mum that your home is yours, not hers. It’d also be worth having a chat about the cuddling/fondling thing, as that would annoy me if it happened all the time and we could never just cuddle normally.

The money issue is tougher, I think. It sounds like you both have very different ideas about spending and saving.

You’re not being a baby at all though OP. I think this is all the kind of stuff that you need to sit down and have a proper talk about, so that things don’t spiral.

If it's making you unhappy, you need to address it.

And you need to be a lot more assertive, especially with his mother. It's your home, not hers.

I am assertive with a lot of stuff with his mum and then he complains that he feels like it's a tug of war with him in the middle and me and his mum pulling him either side!
This time I decided to just let him do whatever but I since regret it now that I hate our conservatory.
He was also due to book a holiday for us and his parents but his mum said she'd rather go to a different destination (one that we can't afford) so now we're no longer goig n anywhere.
The walking isn't a big deal to me, I like walking, it's more the fact that I see other people treat their wives with such care and thought and I feel like I don't get that from him.
I have spoken to him about the cuddling but then after about 10 minutes his hands start wandering again and he says it's because we don't have enough sex so he just wants to jump on me. I agree in that we don't have enough but I get put off when he starts trying to maul me!

We ALL deserve someone who makes us feel loved.
Do you have DC together?
Would agree to counselling with you?
I would imagine his DM is royal pain in the arse but you need to start putting your foot down.
That's your house. Not hers.

My exH was like this, not cruel but not really treating me with care, and it was things like letting me walk when he could have given me a lift - but it would have added to his day so he didn’t want to - and I was fine walking so what was the problem? Except when you see other people being treated nicely you get a little pang of envy every time. Oh how I used to hate people saying “when I was pregnant he didn’t let me lift a finger” - I remember going away with the ILs and them looking shocked that at 6 months pregnant he’d left it to me to haul the suitcases in from the car. But then none of them offered either so it’s clear where he got it from. It’s a bit of a killer really.

I think you need to talk to him about this stuff. If you do and nothing changes, then maybe he's not that bothered. But he's not a mind reader, so rather than presuming he doesn't care about you give him a chance to show you that he does. And tell MIL to back off.

The thing is I get along with her but she has this need to have to have thing a her way all the time.
I blame my husband for not being able to make his own decisions rather than blaming his mum. She is the way she is with everyone but he needs to learn to be able to send up to her.
we have 2 DC.
He would agree to counselling but I'm sick of being the one pushing for things to work. I'd have to make the appointment and make sure we get there etc.. o already feel like o put a lot more into this relationship than I do.

sorry about the typos.
We have discussed things many times and he changes for maybe a week then it's back to normal and I feel like an idiot for believing someone can change.
I Don't want to split up because I have DC and I know it will destroy them plus it just doesn't feel like a big enough thing to leave him over even though I do really truly feel unloved.
When people talk about soulmates I have no idea what they mean so evidently I'm not married to mine

With the walking and station thing - all people are different, and this isn't the stick to beat him with I don't think. For example, if I didn't ask him to, my dh would never pick me up, but if I did, he'd say 'of course.' This is actually a better way, because then you get what you want. Maybe the wife who gets picked up is sometimes thinking 'oh just fuck off, and let me walk in the peace and quiet.'

I once asked him to pick me up from somewhere when it was pouring down and he sighed and said it's not far. It was a 30 minute walk.
If i have the DC with me then he will absolutely pick us up or drop us off but if it's just me then nope never.

Ah, ok, that's different. My point is invalid then. Sorry.

If you don't want this to be over, then I'm afraid you are going to have to do the leg work to get him to counselling.
Once there, you can let all this out and hopefully the therapist can get him to listen and hear you!?
At least you know you would have tried everything.

Well no, it won't destroy your children if you split.

Agree with PP, try counselling, but it sounds like you have married a big baby, sorry

It sounds like you need therapy to communicate better with each other. It's also important to remember that he might do things for you other husbands don't do for their wives. I think if you want something, you ask for it.
Even if you are the one who has to make the appointment and push for therapy it's worth it. And you can talk about the fact you are the one pushing for it in therapy.
You have kids and it sounds like these aren't insurmountable issues. I would go to a therapist and try and work on how you both communicate.

This might sound daft but I knew my marriage was in serious trouble when we were in a fast food restaurant and he just wandered over to the counter, ordered his meal and paid without even asking if I wanted anything. It's not that I expected him to pay, I would have got the damn food but it was the fact that it didn't even occur to him to order our food together. I challenged him on it and he said he didn't think I was ready to order, but why didn't he just ask??

Obviously our marriage didn't end over a KFC but it was symptomatic of how by the end of it he had very little regard for my feelings. I was always putting him first, what did he want for dinner where we he like to go at the weekend, I'll pack him a lunch for tomorrow as he's too tired to do it tonight etc etc but I never got the same in return.

I can see why you didn't push it with the conservatory, yes people aren't psychic and you do have to articulate your feelings but it doesn't take much to be thoughtful and consider the other person. The thing is though it's not something you can really teach as like you said they'll try for a bit then go back to their old ways.

My boyfriend now will pick me up for a five minute journey if it's raining without me asking and certainly wouldn't order anything without checking if I wanted anything too.

It sounds like he doesn't care about you

If he doesn't care about you then I would not stay. It is a big deal to live with someone who could not give a toss about you and seems to care more about his mum and her opinions. I think you need to talk to him about how you feel. My DH though would not let me walk 30 minutes in the rain and we have been married 36 years. I too am sceptical though when people talk about soulmates so I would not put too much stock in how people describe their partners. In my book actions speak louder than words and your DH is not acting how you would like him too and from your description it certainly sounds like he could not care less. Is he depressed about other stuff? Work, money or whatever?

This sounds just like my husband. My soon to be ex husband. It didn't get better. As you say - maybe a bit of improvement for a week or two after one of my "let's talk about this" sessions and then back to normal. I asked him to leave 8 weeks ago. We are now getting divorced. There was no other woman, no great terrible thing I just didn't feel he wanted to be here and eventually I didn't either. We are both much happier this way and our DD (aged 7) seems to have got the hang of the idea. Yes she was very upset to start but she spends good quality time with both of us and we can now stand to spend an hour together without being grumpy so the atmosphere is better.
I like him far more now we aren't living together but on the odd occasion he has had to stay here overnight (in spare room due to him still not having a firm fixed place to live) I am back running round after him within a couple of hours with him just letting me wait on him whilst he fiddles on his phone.

I am not saying "LTB" but don't discount the possibility that splitting up might not be as hard on either of you or the kids as you'd imagine.

he didn't think I was ready to order, but why didn't he just ask??
Wow - that's awful.
Why couldn't he just wait until you'd make up your mind.
That's really odd.
Very glad you have a good one now.

Its very hard to live with someone who obviously has so little regard for you.
Whats worse if he was dating some hot young thing you can be damned sure he would be picking her up in the rain from the station. They can muster up the effort when it is someone they really care about or are trying to impress.

He sounds thoughtless and unsure of his position in relation to son/ husband. Counselling could be really helpful with this and also, to be fair, maybe you need to communicate more effectively too.

My DH can be really thoughtless but when it comes to the big stuff he’s proved himself over and over. That’s after a very long marriage with plenty of gripes and grievances along the way. The soulmate issue is a bit of a red herring to me...a solid and deep love can have many forms of expression.

What about his good points? Talk and talk using a professional. Counselling can be really revealing if you are both engaged.

He just so damn eager to please everyone but never me.
I'll never be first for him.
I don't think I could go through with a divorce,it would damage my DC I know it would. I just have to try counselling but I doubt I'll ever be truly in love with him again because I get nothing back.

I can't even remember why I married him. He doesn't get my sense of humour, his is very juvenile and annoys me.
I'll quote programmes or books in conversation (as one does) and he will never know what I'm talking about and honestly I'm quoting some of the most well known stuff.
I feel like we both couldve picked people who suited us much better and been much happier. what's done is done.

That's very sad, you deserve better.

Op

It's difficult, he sounds like my husband in some ways. Not exactly the same things, but dh can be so thoughtless, yet he's so eager to please everyone else.

We've battled it out a number of times, things have got better.

It doesn't seem worthy of divorce, I think a lot of people can get like this, taking their spouse for granted.