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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not include Mil in bday plans

53 replies

Unpaidcarer · 30/11/2018 00:13

NC for this. DP has a milestone bday in 6 weeks. He has ongoing mental health issues. Mil has no interest in supporting him, despite my regular pleas for help.
She is in complete denial and blames me for his issues, despite them starting years before we met.
My Aibu is: our DCs have planned out DPs bday from morning to night. Intricate detail because they know DP needs this.
Just read on FB that SIL is planning on coming home for DPs bday and MIL has commented that she's looking forward to family being together for the weekend.
DCs are not DPs children. MIL has never showed an interest in them. No one has mentioned anything to me or DP about wanting to spend time with him over his bday. He has seen sil once in 4 years.
Do I
a) alter plans due to a fb thread I wasn't actually included in
b) pretend I haven't seen it and let dcs carry on their plans w the chance MIL and SIL may spoil it
c) call them now and tell them to back off as plans are set

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/11/2018 00:16

Do you know what your DP would like to do? Would he list to see the rest of his family?

I'd personally do C, tell them that plans are made and can't be changed.

flossietoot · 30/11/2018 00:16

C. But maybe not as bluntly!

SandAndSea · 30/11/2018 00:24

D) Ask him what he'd like to do and agree that between you.

Original poster
Unpaidcarer · 30/11/2018 00:29

I really don't want to bring it up with DP as he has been let down so many times that he won't discuss MIL at all.
Although he speaks to her on the phone occasionally, it's always on her terms and about her. Nothing regarding his life at all

OP posts:
Lalliella · 30/11/2018 00:33

D) But tell him of DCs’ ideas. Hopefully he’ll choose those, then you should let MIL and SIL down gently. Moral high ground and all that.

Slytherdor · 30/11/2018 00:33

I’d go B. Why go out of your way to help them if they haven’t even bothered to contact you?

Carry on as planned- if they get in touch, tell them you have plans.

SandAndSea · 30/11/2018 00:34

Is it possible that his family could be making their own plans and assuming his attendance, which could ruin your plans, unless you've already agreed things with him in advance??

Jimjamjong · 30/11/2018 00:35

I'd go with a reply on the FB post, something along the lines: "sorry, DP, Dcs and l will be busy on such and such, hope you have a lovely time."

Original poster
Unpaidcarer · 30/11/2018 00:50

@slytherdor I just know MIL will call days before and say we're doing xyz 'surprise!'
I've been through so much that I will make DP choose at that point.
@SandAndSea he hasn't been included in family plans, conversations or existence for at least 3 years

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 30/11/2018 00:56

How about getting dp to reply to the fb post? It might be best to do this privately.

I'm still thinking that starting with D) might be best?

junebirthdaygirl · 30/11/2018 01:43

If his dsis is here for a weekend could he not have your celebration, say on the Sat and see his dsis on Sun. Maybe be proactive here saying now he is tied up all Sat but will be free on Sun for lunch. His dsis is kind to travel so don't cut her off completely. Big birthdays are usually celebrated over a few occasions.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/11/2018 03:07

B.

And if they call with a 'surprise' plan say 'Sorry, plans already made and cannot be changed. Bye'.

SherbertLemon2011 · 30/11/2018 03:39

Make sure that he knows the DC have a day planned so if they call him and not you he will not agree thinking he has no other alternative.

Honestly it sounds as if they aren't that bothered with him from your posts and it would be better if he spent a special day with people who give two hoots about him (you and DC). I would make sure neither answer a phone call and probably just answer a text with I'm sorry but we already have plans/things booked. (If he wants to see them then offer them a time the next day)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 07:04

As it's a milestone birthday and his sister is coming home ( from where? abroad? ) I would speak to MIL and ask her if she's planning on doing anything for DH.

If she's not then fine go ahead with your plans but at least ask her now. Although she should have called you or even asked DH if anything had been arranged.

I would try and put my feelings to one side OP for one day in your position.

Justanothernameonthepage · 30/11/2018 07:13

They haven't told you anything, I'd message MIL & SIL and invite them for brunch at a restaurant the morning after the birthday. If she doesn't come, great, if she pleads ignorance you've a trail showing you invited her, if she agrees to come, it's a limited amount of time, and if she pulls out at the last minute you've still got a nice morning treat.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/11/2018 07:14

Don’t sleepwalk into a family feud, tackle it now. Talk to DP about his preference and if he wants the day with you and the children I’d message MIL/SIL and say that he’s busy all day Saturday but free on the Sunday if they want to make a plan now to see him.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/11/2018 07:14

Better still, get him to message.

Holidayshopping · 30/11/2018 07:19

Tell him the plan now. How old are the DC?

scatteredglitter · 30/11/2018 07:26

For your dh sake I would definitely talk to him about what you saw. I would tell him that the dc have planned a lovely day for him too. Is it possible he will have time free on the afternoon before or after the day (still part of the weekend) I would agree with him what time is available and then either you or him get in touch with MIL and sil (send them the same message)
If your dh is fragile I would go to him with the problem but have a solution almost ready for him in case he struggles with the decision process, being vulnerable to weird family dynamics can be paralysing in a practical sense.
He may be touched however that sil is making the effort to come see him. He may want to do something with his family and I guess you ll have to support him with that too.
Planning a time that is free and telling them it s the only slot available is a good plan tho as it limits and protects your dh and you control the situation so there s no nasty surprises or emotional blackmail of ohhhh we planned this so carefully as a surprise etc

Petalflowers · 30/11/2018 07:36

b) with the advice above from Across

anniehm · 30/11/2018 07:37

You need to communicate with dmil and dsis to find out what they were planning - they don't know about your dc's plans - they are his family and he may want to see his sister at least

londonrach · 30/11/2018 07:37

What does dp want. Its his birthday so his decision

Twisique · 30/11/2018 09:07

Tell him the DS's plans and keep the day as calm and lovely for your DH as you can. I would be very tempted to go to a hotel for a night out and a film/play the evening before and be out much of the next day.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/11/2018 09:34

If you are confident that your dh would prefer your plans with your family then I think you should stick with this.

It sounds like he doesn't like his mother and it sounds also like she is toxic.

However, to enable you to not worry about it I would send a PA facebook message back saying, please let us know what your plans are and please bear in mind that dh will be busy all day on Saturday 4th (or whatever day it is).

Then you can relax knowing you have let them know.

SaltLamp · 30/11/2018 09:37

I don't think it would be a good idea to put your husband in a Sophie's choice situation the day before. Can't you tell him now so he has time to think?