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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not include Mil in bday plans

53 replies

Unpaidcarer · 30/11/2018 00:13

NC for this. DP has a milestone bday in 6 weeks. He has ongoing mental health issues. Mil has no interest in supporting him, despite my regular pleas for help.
She is in complete denial and blames me for his issues, despite them starting years before we met.
My Aibu is: our DCs have planned out DPs bday from morning to night. Intricate detail because they know DP needs this.
Just read on FB that SIL is planning on coming home for DPs bday and MIL has commented that she's looking forward to family being together for the weekend.
DCs are not DPs children. MIL has never showed an interest in them. No one has mentioned anything to me or DP about wanting to spend time with him over his bday. He has seen sil once in 4 years.
Do I
a) alter plans due to a fb thread I wasn't actually included in
b) pretend I haven't seen it and let dcs carry on their plans w the chance MIL and SIL may spoil it
c) call them now and tell them to back off as plans are set

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 30/11/2018 09:40

I think you need to speak to mil. Explain your doing xyz on his birthday as dp needs it scheduled. IF she wants to do a family thing at hers ANOTHER DAY then can she please let you know her plans

BarbarianMum · 30/11/2018 09:44

I think pitting your dp on the spot and making him choose is the opposite of kind so you need to talk to him now. You might also consider blocking your MiL/SiL on Facebook in future so you're not put in this situation.

TwoBlueFish · 30/11/2018 09:47

I’d send a Facebook message to SIL saying - just saw your message about coming home for DH Birthday. Just to let you know that we already have plans for his actual birthday so if you’re arranging something then please bear that in mind. He’s free on and i’m sure would love to see you.

Snowwontbelong · 30/11/2018 09:51

Sounds like the milestone day would be a good one to block the bloody lot of them tbh.
Stick to the plans you have.

You haven't been included /consulted. Why would your dh want to be spending the day with the toxic family when they clearly don't give a fuck about any of you?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 09:54

I agree that you shouldn't make DH ring his mum or make him choose.

Just ring her like an adult and ask her what, if anything she has planned.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/11/2018 10:03

I wouldn't ask MIL if she has anything planned, that's just asking for trouble.

If anything I'd make plans with them for the next day so that, when she tries to spoil the actual day you can remind her that plans have been made.

How likely is DP to bow under pressure from them?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 30/11/2018 10:05

By not asking MIL it puts the husband in a horrible situation by making him choose.
Why would you do that to your husband on his birthday?

TidyDancer · 30/11/2018 10:07

I think you need to have a conversation with DP's mum. And not on Facebook. Phone her and invite her to something that's not actually on the birthday itself. Maybe a family meal so DP's sister can go too?

RhiWrites · 30/11/2018 10:09

How about contacting SIL and MIL and saying “seen from Facebook you were hoping to meet up this weekend. We have plans Saturday, but Sunday is free. What did you have in mind?”

That gets you ahead of any drama. And when they say they want to join you on the birthday you can respond. “Sorry plans are fixed for that but let me know about Sunday”

Surfskatefamily · 30/11/2018 10:11

Id call and say " sorry mil, dp has plans on birthday already. The day/times we have no plan are xyz. Would you like to do sonething then?"

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 30/11/2018 10:19

If he won’t even discuss his mother I think that’s an indication of the answer to your problem. Carry on with your original plans.

Petitprince · 30/11/2018 10:19

Talk to your partner about it and go e him the options. It's not your place to choose for him.

Augusta2012 · 30/11/2018 10:30

I’d do what RhiWrites suggests, offer them the Sunday.

How long have you been together? I’m rather wondering what MIL and SILs side of the story might be. They obviously have a long family history behind it and it does seem like your MIL has made a decision to keep DP at arms length and not get involved with him. I would be wondering if there was something behind that decision, especially as his sister seems to do the same.

If it is just because she is a horrible toxic parent you might want to consider that her idea of ‘family together for the weekend’ doesn’t even include DP.

Lunde · 30/11/2018 10:31

Honestly - I would talk to DH and find out what he wants to do - it will not help his MH to become embroiled in a "surprise" family feud a few days before his birthday and it risks ruining the whole thing for him and DC.

I think it is important to head off their "surprise" and manage MIL's expectations right now to avoid a huge row - which will get much bigger if their have spent money on a party. If he does want to see family then perhaps you can work in a limited window for them that will not overwhelm him (invite them for cake and wine/tea etc). Then you can be really firm in turning down things that he doesn't want to do.

StormTreader · 30/11/2018 10:31

Is it important that your birthday plans for him are a surprise?
If not, I would be posting on facebook about how the birthday is coming up and how pleased you are with the kids planning him a wonderful jampacked day.
Then put a note on saying how you'd all love to see anyone who wants to join in on birthday wishes in the week/weekend before/after.

Basically you are publicly posting a dibs on the entire day.

Jux · 30/11/2018 11:13

Tell him. He needs things planned out, so presumably he already knows that your dcs have got the day sorted? Once he knows that, then you can mention that That Person We Don't Talk About is making noises of FB about it, but you don't have any idea what this could involve. Discuss whether he's interested in seeing her/them etc and maybe he'll get on to fB - he could post that's really looking forward to his birthday with you and the dcs lso I'm not going to be available that day [happyface]" or something. Then when she phones with the surprise he'll be ready for it.

Give him a decent chance to decide himself.

Petitprince · 30/11/2018 14:22

I just know MIL will call days before and say we're doing xyz 'surprise!'
I've been through so much that I will make DP choose at that point.

That is unfair and stressful for him. It would ruin my birthday if it were me. Please don't "make him choose".

Handsfull13 · 30/11/2018 14:27

I'd speak to them and offer an alternative day. Tell them you have made plans for his whole day and as they didn't let you know they were coming you didn't factor it into the plans. So they can now come either day before or after and you'll keep it clear for them.

Original poster
Unpaidcarer · 30/11/2018 22:02

Sorry for the delay. It's been 'one of those days'.
Trying to answer all queries so bare with me.
Speaking to Mil is a non-starter. I severed all contact when DP had a breakdown, set a fire in the house and Mil couldn't come and help me because 'the plasterer is coming'
Sil doesn't live abroad but is approx 6 hours away. Last time she came down she spent 2 hours with us then the rest of the time with dps ex describing everything about our home life and dps issues.
We've been together 4 years, dcs range from 12 to 5yo.
DP is extremely fragile. He is aware of his familys dismissal of his issues and of the pressure on me.
Dcs desperately want to surprise him on his bday. I think broaching the subject of his mother and sister will set him on a downward spiral again. He, very much, needs to please everyone. My current thoughts are 'I saw nothing, not my problem' but I don't know how he'll deal with things if they suddenly appear.

OP posts:
Bloodyfucksake · 30/11/2018 22:11

Hi Unpaidcarer you need to make it very clear that your children have planned something for his birthday and that he cannot change plans no matter what.
Be prepared for him to spend all of the following day with them.

Jux · 01/12/2018 01:17

I would do what StormTreader suggests. You don't have tell him all about the surprise your children have organised, can you get away with "they've organised the whole day for you, I promise I've checked it all and you will love it" so he knows things are organised should mil ring him a few days before.

If she's done that before, you could remind him and discuss how he might deal with it. Forewarned is forearmed! If he's prepared for that sort of call, and he's had a chance to rehearse what he wants to say to her "No mother dear, we have plans that day, I can see you and sis the following day" then he'll find it much easier.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 01/12/2018 07:02

Am I right in thinking that your husband has mental health issues to the extent he had a breakdown and set fire to the house and you are willing to put him on a situation of family conflict because you won't speak to your mother in law? YABvU you have to set your dislike for her aside for 5 minutes and tell you have plans for the sake of your husband, otherwise how do you think he will cope with two conflicting surprises? Your in laws are more unreasonable and their previous behaviour is despicable but don't risk your husband's health by ignoring this until it's too late

SherryToes · 01/12/2018 07:09

don't know how he'll deal with things if they suddenly appear.
From what you have said, OP, he will deal with it badly. You need to mention this sooner rather than later. If he’s put on the spot at very short notice, it could put him under pressure and trigger a spiral.
You are either going to have to talk to MIL and let her know what your plans are and when DP is free, or tell your DP what’s happening re the day (not necessarily all the detail) and his mum. Your children may want it to be a surprise, but I’d be worried it could all end up being too much for DP if he doesn’t know there’s something planned and his mum then starts putting pressure on him to meet up.

cushioncuddle · 01/12/2018 07:21

I think you're wrong to ignore and hope it doesn't effect him.
You need to nip a potential problem in the bud.
Tell them you have plans and maybe include them at a given time suited to you.
But don't leave it to chance.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2018 14:44

Lovely, this isn't meant as an attack. But.

You've been in a relationship with him since the children were 1 to 8, and since then he has set a fire in their home? And they are now 5 to 12, and sufficiently aware of his issues that they are spending a huge amount of care, thought and energy planning a special birthday for him, in a way that he can manage, because, "they know he needs this"?

Can I ask how his issues impact them, in a bit more depth? Because what you are describing sounds incredibly serious, and while his family do indeed sound worthless I'm more concerned about the enormous pressures on you, and the children.