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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused by DH colleague behaviour

54 replies

saythewordgoose · 29/11/2018 19:23

Hi so DH's younger work colleague admitted fancying him a while back, and apparently afterwards she was incredibly embarrassed, asked him to forget all about it and felt awful about the fact she had said it when she knows he has a wife (me!) and kids.
However, she still texts him/emails him etc constantly at work for petty things, reminding him to do things, asking little questions, etc. What I simply don't understand is what she is getting out of it. The texts/emails are totally unnecessary and things he wouldn't get from other colleagues. However none of it is flirty or over the line. I just don't get why she would do it, surely she either should make a move on him (obviously I don't want this to happen but it seems more obvious!) or just leave him alone!
Can anyone enlighten me on this mindset?

OP posts:

HellenaHandbasket · 29/11/2018 19:26

She's trying to keep herself in his mind/view at any opportunity, wanting to be noticed.

bastardkitty · 29/11/2018 19:26

If he responds, then that's what she's getting out of it. If he ignored her messages, she would probably stop it. So if he's responding they are BOTH doing it.

SaltLamp · 29/11/2018 19:26

She already made her move and got turned down. If DH has a problem with her texts etc then he needs to tell her to cut it out. Sounds like you and DH have good communication and trust between you.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 29/11/2018 19:31

Why is your DH telling you all of this?

I dont get his motivation for telling you about non flirty work emails

CSIblonde · 29/11/2018 19:32

You always want what you can't have & forbidden fruit is more exciting. If she texts outside work I'd be texting back tbh. But I'm on the stroppy side if this sort of hooha goes on: It needs nipping in the bud IME.

Original poster

saythewordgoose · 29/11/2018 19:34

He isn't telling me exactly, but sometimes texts or emails come through on his phone in the evening, and his phone is often lying around or he gets it out to look at what it is when we are on the sofa together. So I have questioned it and he will then tell me or show me if I ask, and has just said she does it quite a bit!

I think he replies to some stuff if shes asking a question or something, but i have looked at the texts before and it's only one word or answers to questions, and sometimes he doesn't reply at all! I am not worried about his intentions, just perplexed as to why she does it!

OP posts:

BellyDancer124 · 29/11/2018 19:34

Hmm why is your DH telling you this, it looks like he’s the one trying to get a rise?

LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 19:36

What does your H text back?

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2018 19:38

She's after your husband. It's as simple as that. FGS she has already TOLD him she fancies him, which is shockingly inappropriate given the circumstances. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her and your husband is being a twat for engaging in so much communication with her. I'd ask him what is he playing at?

LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 19:38

Sorry xposted.

ThePants999 · 29/11/2018 19:46

Laughing so much at the standard MN responses on here.

"Why is your DH telling you all of this?" Because it's interesting/amusing. I'd totally be telling my wife if it happened to me, and she'd laugh along with me. Also, it's just sensible to let your spouse see that nothing is happening!

"I'd ask him what is he playing at?" Playing at? He's sending one-word replies to direct questions and ignoring other stuff. I'd say he's "playing at" being a cooperative colleague who's making it clear he's not interested!

AnyFucker · 29/11/2018 19:48

Your H should not be engaging. I don't think she is the one to watch, tbh

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/11/2018 19:49

I agree with ThePants999!

He SHOULD be telling her. There's no room for 'misunderstanding' then, is there?

Racecardriver · 29/11/2018 19:50

A lot of younger women don’t really have much self control. She likes him and wants his attention. Nothing more than that.

Leeds2 · 29/11/2018 19:51

I would suggest to him that he ignores her messages. Completely.

HollowTalk · 29/11/2018 19:51

I agree with AF. He should either tell her to stop texting or simply stop responding at all out of work hours.

I do think he should tell you, though.

bringbackthestripes · 29/11/2018 19:52

She's trying to keep herself in his mind/view at any opportunity, wanting to be noticed

^ this. He needs to respond with a curt “please do not contact me outside of work hours”

PinguDance · 29/11/2018 19:57

She probably does it just to get his attention in a harmless way but tbh I would wonder why she ever confessed to fancying him in the first place. I’d suppose that your husband might have been a wee bit flirty with her for that to occur and maybe this is the hangover form that.

Pollaidh · 29/11/2018 19:57

Sounds like your DH is being very sensible, short answers when required, ignoring otherwise, talking to you about it.

God knows what the woman gets out of it, but I really don't think there's an issue with your husband.

Madmozzie · 29/11/2018 19:58

If the texts/emails are unnecessary, can't he/you point this out to her and say you expect it to stop? In my experience, even if nothing is going on now, dh will still be aware of her interest, and the longer she pursues it, the more likely it is that something will come of it. (I'm speaking from the perspective of the previously naive and trusting DW here, not the interested attention seeking ow.)

C0untDucku1a · 29/11/2018 19:58

Have you posted about this before? If not theres a VERY similar account on here.

If he isnt ignoring, or even reporting to HR, he is the problem.

BettyCrook · 29/11/2018 20:01

he is encouraging it to be fair. He is at least flattered. It's not like some people don't enjoy stirring jealousy in their partners even if the admirer is not someone they fancy at all.
She knows he is enjoying it. he is doing the crumbing thing..where you give tiny pieces here and there to encourage it but not stop it completely or give in altogether. crumb trail or something the expression is....and she clocked on ... so she is playing along the persistent i will not lose patient game.

greendale17 · 29/11/2018 20:05

His colleague told him to test the water. She obviously can’t take no for an answer as she is finding the need to contact him about everything and anything.

Beware OP

ReanimatedSGB · 29/11/2018 20:06

Or the H might be worried that if he tells her bluntly to piss off and stop bothering him, things will get awkward at work. Even if he hasn't done anything wrong (and it sounds like he really hasn't done anything wrong), if she were to get upset over being rejected and turn nasty, there would probably be some tiresome fallout and a lot of people taking the no-smoke-without-fire view. He might think that the safest option is to give short, factual, civil responses and nothing more - almost 'grey rock' behaviour.

PoptartPoptart · 29/11/2018 20:08

Exactly what bringbackthestripes said.
He needs to tell her to only contact him during work hours as he is spending time with his family at home.
He really needs to nip this in the bud ASAP.

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