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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused by DH colleague behaviour

54 replies

saythewordgoose · 29/11/2018 19:23

Hi so DH's younger work colleague admitted fancying him a while back, and apparently afterwards she was incredibly embarrassed, asked him to forget all about it and felt awful about the fact she had said it when she knows he has a wife (me!) and kids.
However, she still texts him/emails him etc constantly at work for petty things, reminding him to do things, asking little questions, etc. What I simply don't understand is what she is getting out of it. The texts/emails are totally unnecessary and things he wouldn't get from other colleagues. However none of it is flirty or over the line. I just don't get why she would do it, surely she either should make a move on him (obviously I don't want this to happen but it seems more obvious!) or just leave him alone!
Can anyone enlighten me on this mindset?

OP posts:

Original poster

saythewordgoose · 29/11/2018 20:11

I've never posted about this before. This is all fairly recent happenings. It's not really his style to tell someone to piss off, I can't imagine him ever doing that, he is far too nice. To be honest I'm happy with how he's handling it, there is no prolonged texting or contact outside of work, this thread was more to see if anyone else could understand this woman's mindset for constantly meaninglessly texting a married man!

OP posts:

blacksax · 29/11/2018 20:16

Why doesn't he just send her a message asking her to stop contacting him outside work hours? He could word it politely, and hopefully she'll stop pestering him.

Madmozzie · 29/11/2018 20:18

OK, op, but she's previously admitted her interest, and is still showing this through unnecessary texts/emails. She obviously hasn't taken on board that he's not interested, or why would she keep up the contact? Even if he says he's not interested, as a pp said, he's going to be flattered. . It's how inappropriate relationships start, believe me. Even if it takes years, the seed has been planted, and is being kept alive by this unnecessary communication. If he told her to cut it out politely, and she reacted badly, it would only reflect badly on her at work, not him.

Feefeetrixabelle · 29/11/2018 20:20

He needs to reply during work hours only unless his job requires otherwise. It would be best if she texts and he replies in person with others around. So she never gets a reply. He could also just block her if her having his number isn’t essential. Harsh but she’s definitely making sure she’s noticeable.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 29/11/2018 20:21

I agree with pp. I’ve never done this to a married man but I did it to my ex when I was very young and stupid. I wish now I’d had a bit more self respect. She’s doing it to maintain contact/ some semblance of a relationship. It’s really sad actually.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/11/2018 20:23

She's still fishing. He needs to either tell her not to text him outside work hours or just ignore her unless he's at work or tell HR she is sexually harassing him

LoudJazzHands · 29/11/2018 20:24

I think he should keep the texts and emails in case she does get nasty if he tells her to stop.

LizzieSiddal · 29/11/2018 20:24

My Dh had a client emailing stuff which crossed a line. Because she is a client he has to be very careful, he’s always polite in his responses, very to the point and ignores most personal questions. Dh has told me she is like this with other men too and this was confirmed when I met her. She was all over someone who I presumed was a boyfriend, he wasn’t, he was another colleague who looked mortified by her actions.

I think these women are lonely, have low self esteem and are desperately trying to boost themselves.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 29/11/2018 20:24

I'm sorry but id expect my dh to be telling her he's very married and if he didn't id want to know the reason why!

homebirds · 29/11/2018 20:25

Is she single? I can understand your dh telling you about the texts etc but I don't think he should have told you what she said about fancying him - I think that just worries you.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 29/11/2018 20:25

Oh god, it’s all coming back to me. Yep, totally fishing. She’ll be asking his advice on her new boyfriend next and confiding in him that he treats her badly.

SheStoopsToConker · 29/11/2018 20:27

OP I'd only be worried if you see he's bought an expensive piece of jewellery for Christmas but you only wind up with a Joni Mitchell CD...

BettyCrook · 29/11/2018 20:27

It's really fascinating that your main interest in this is to understand her motive. She already said she likes him. What else is there to analyse? I'd try to analyse your husband and why he is like that instead of worrying about her
It comes across as someone who is receiving constant messages from someone they turned down and is enjoying it and want to hear how much they must really really want you
cynical

Yes I recognise an almost identical thread about this too

Sethis · 29/11/2018 20:28

I don't see the problem. Your DH is being open and honest with you, and he's being polite to his colleague and preserving their working relationship. He just sounds like a nice guy tbh.

Why she's doing it on the other hand.... maybe she's just needy in general? Bit hard to tell without seeing the messages directly. But I certainly wouldn't obsessively contact someone I had told about fancying them, and been rejected. Quite the opposite in fact.

Sarahjconnor · 29/11/2018 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katekat383 · 29/11/2018 20:34

You seem interested in her motives. Are you sure you are not being a bit smug, in a sense, because she wants your husband but you are the one who has him?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 29/11/2018 20:38

She wants him and she knows what she's doing.

We went through something similar with my DP, she wasn't leaving him alone. She professed her love for him in front of everyone at work, I was told what was going on by so many people (as well as him) and I was very angry but I trust him.

Nothing happened, I know that and she's said nothing happened but she wouldn't leave him alone to the point that he decided to look for a job elsewhere and he left there. She turned up to his works leaving party and gave him a present and tried to kiss him. The present ended up in the pub bin and he came straight home furious.

Since then she tried messaging him a couple of times on Facebook but he ignored and blocked her and we've not heard anything for a couple of years.

If I were your DH I'd try and nip it in the bud. Don't speak to her outside work hours and the less contact that he can have with her whilst still doing his job the better.

It's good he's being honest with you.

CaliHummers · 29/11/2018 20:38

She's doing it because she's attracted to him and wants contact with him. More than that would be speculation. The kind interpretation is that she just has a crush and hasn't yet got to the stage where she knows how to stop these things. The more worrying interpretation is that she's still after him.

Binglebong · 29/11/2018 20:43

I think DH needs to tell her that he is only to be contacted out of work hours if it is something urgent. If not she needs to write them down and ask them at an appropriate time at work, all of them together. Bothering him out of work hours is unacceptable and raises questions about her competence.

I think you DH is trying to let her down nicely. But she is just refusing to get it. He now needs to make it clear that she is coming across as an immature pain (hurt her ego!) and it must stop. He needs to document it and preferably have someone with him when he tells her do she can't twist it.

MudCity · 29/11/2018 20:50

Agree with Reanimated. Have been in this situation OP. My DH genuinely didn’t know what to do. He was having a tough time at work anyway and was worried that if he confronted her, she would complain or react hysterically (she had form for this) and make a tough work situation worse. He started by short, civil, responses like your DH but when he realised that she was not getting the message he stopped responding every time (and lengthening out the time before responding), only ever responding in work time. He then stopped responding altogether and then blocked her.

Woman in question has significant emotional / mental health problems and DH felt sorry for her. He was trying to be compassionate but actually what she was doing was really quite detrimental and intrusive.

Tell your DH it has to stop. If this woman lacks boundaries as ours did then it really is best to stop it, clearly and cleanly so there can be no confusion. By responding she has the green light to continue. There is no kind way, only a clean way. My DH did advise his manager as well as we really did not know what might happen next.

MudCity · 29/11/2018 20:52

And believe me, I had to really stop myself from contacting her directly....

Pollaidh · 29/11/2018 20:57

I think the next step is for him to say he can't answer out of work hours (unless this is part of his job, but even then people need to have work-life boundaries and he could ask that she saves them all up). Does he have a separate work phone/email? If so just tell her he doesn't check it out of hours. I lock mine away except during emergencies.

If she carries on then I think he should raise it with HR, not (yet) as a complaint, but a "I just wanted to let someone know", in case it escalates, or she tries to get revenge by raising a grievance against him. If this was a male colleague messaging a woman after being turned down, then mentioning it to HR would be sensible.

OliveSeaTurtle · 29/11/2018 21:10

I agree with ThePants999, it's strange people are asking 'why' did he tell OP?
Of course he should. It would be suspicious and weird if he didn't tell his wife a work colleague had hit on him and then continuously texts him pointless stuff.

OP, as others have said she's trying to either do 1.) Be in his mindset, perhaps if you two argue one day and she sends a text then a conversation might finally happen.

2.) She likes him and is being clingy, so some rely or any attention is what she wants.

Well done to your DP for telling you, and giving her short one word answers or not replying. What an horrible woman at work to have the audacity to hit on him and then continuously message a non interested married man! I bet she has no idea that he told you, because it's a reflection on your open & honest healthy relationship!

Keep any eye on it and tell your DP to nip in the bud any over friendliness at work as it's making you feel uncomfortable. I'd be tempted to turn up to his work to give him some lunch or something to make my presence and for her to see me but maybe I'm a bit more crazy like that haha.

You and your DP seem like you have a good relationship and he's not encouraging the unsolicited attention from work so I don't think you have much to worry about

MudCity · 29/11/2018 21:15

Mindset? In our case, significant emotional problems and difficulties forming relationships with men. Found my DH to be kind and struggled with understanding that men can be compassionate. Perhaps by DH being married, this made it ‘safe’ for her to experiment with messaging him or talking with him as nothing was going to come of it, I have no idea. What I do know, however, is that there are people out there who behave in bizarre ways, lack boundaries and have little insight. If they don’t have boundaries then it is all the more important for people around them, like your DH, to put boundaries in place.

Singlenotsingle · 29/11/2018 21:23

Give him a photo of you and kids to put on his desk

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