AIBU to ask how being bullied as a kid affected your adult life ...

[donkeyshrekmom]

Feeling a bit miserable today. Both my kids are dealing with difficult stuff at school. Low-level verbal bullying and teasing. The kind of thing that I suffered from for years at school and nothing was ever done about it. I remember going home and crying frequently to my Mum and she cuddled me but said nothing could be done. I don't hold it against her as I think the climate was different back in the 70s and 80s when I was growing up. When I think back to the really bad years, between 10-14, I have nothing but bad memories.

Sometimes I feel about to say 'well, I went through all that when i was a kid, and I turned out fine ...' except I didn't turn out fine. I mean, I grew up, went to university, had a few friends, socialised, got married, had kids, held down jobs, travelled. I'm not exactly a failure but, the more I think about it, the more I realise that that bullied and lonely girl became an angry, insecure, anxious and often very difficult and unlovable adult.

How have others come to terms with this? I guess it's not surprising that, when you have kids of your own, you revisit mentally your own childhood and see things in a different way.

I’m still quite insecure about my appearance although less so in the past couple of years. I also find it hard when I’m in a situation where I have to meet new people on a regular basis (i.e evening class, activity, toddler groups) I used to have to do lots of talks and tours in my old job and meeting people in that setting never bothered me and I do push on to do my desired night class or activity but I can’t bring myself to go to toddler groups, and I would say this lack of confidence is a result of bullying from school.
But minus these things I am fairly outgoing, have lots of hobbies, good job, married, 1 toddler and a wee baby on the way, and own my own house so I guess being bullied hasn’t held me back too much.

I'm also having difficulty deciding how to manage what is going on in school, particularly with my older son. Year 9 and on the autism spectrum. He absolutely doesn't want to 'make a fuss' as he says 'snitching' will make it worse but he's particularly vulnerable and less likely to be able to find his way out of these things as it's all so confusing to him. Trying not to be a helicopter parent but so many conflicting emotions.

Damaged my confidence.
I suspect I'd have had some mh issues anyway, but near constant bullying throughout juniors and senior school has left me with many issues.

A significant contributing factor to severe social anxiety, but I’m slowly getting better.

I'm not good at progressing friendships from casual to friend as I am never convinced the other person will really be interested.

Similarly don't do parties as I assume people won't really want to come or will say they are coming but won't turn up.

I think what affected me was feeling like a victim- I feel inferior and can't take constructive criticism. So I make sure my kids don't feel that way when other kids are mean. I say things like 'it's too bad those kids don't have social skills. I'm so glad you don't act that way.' To make it seem (rightly) that it is the other kids who are acting inferior. I've actually said 'I'm glad that you know how it feels to have someone be mean, so that you won't do that to other kids.' At first I was sent right back to feeling all those feelings I had as a child, but I realised my reaction was the cause of my kids being affected. If I acted like it wasn't worth thinking about, my kids didn't think about it. Hopefully they end up with better coping skills than me, and I don't give them a whole new set of mental health issues!!

I find that i am hyper sensitive to any bullying of my kids, real or imagined on my part. My parents never helped me either when i was bullied and i am determined to not let that happen to my kids. Luckily no bullying so far but because of my past I'm always looling for it. I wish i didn't. I also dont have friends here. I moved down south 20 years ago and still dont have any close friends because i hate anyone knowing anything about me in case they use it against me. Bit crap really.

roboticmum thats me exactly. I always feel inferior and cannot take any kind of criticism.

Thanks Silver.
Oooh, toddler groups were hard for me. So cliquey. shudders and I was very wobbly emotionally at that point anyway. Thinking back, I shouldn't have pushed myself to go as I found them terminally dull anyway, but tried to 'do the right thing'.
Same thing happened when they started at primary school. School gate cliques. Tried to get involved in the PA but it was just not welcoming.
Over the years I just grew a very thick skin for my own feelings. But seeing my kids 'not fitting in' makes me die inside for them.

Like Teen I worry that people don't really like me or are just being polite.

But on the other hand I, as a result, am scrupulously fair, don't permit any kind of bullying when I see it and fight fiercely for the underdog. It makes me a very good people manager

I put my mother off for years from going in to school. When she finally did it made everything a lot better. It needn't be public but you and the school should be able to work in partnership to help your children

*I'm not good at progressing friendships from casual to friend as I am never convinced the other person will really be interested.

Similarly don't do parties as I assume people won't really want to come or will say they are coming but won't turn up.*

Same here. I also avoid groups of 3 (for me or my DC) as I always expect one to be left out, as I was.

roboticmum: I really like those phrases you use for your kids. That's really very insightful and I will use them.

Still massively insecure about my appearance. I get horrible anxiety about interacting with other humans, to the point I wish I could just stay in the house all day but having kids has forced me to take them out and interact for their sake, which is healthier. I shake and have regular nightmares, breathing problems etc, just from dealing with people, all because of how I was bullied as a kid. I find it hard to force myself to believe notallmen.

I was called a 'witch', a 'spotty nose', had my hair pulled and was laughed at for my clothes. Not all of which I told my parents about. I grew up with anxiety and now as a 46-yr old I still have anxiety and take meds for it. I'm teaching my daughter to tell me and her dad everything, no matter if it's the middle of the night or how trivial it may be. Communication is key. I've learned to be assertive and stand up for my child, but at the same time teach her that saying nasty things about other kids or adults is not done. I had CBT and hypnotherapy to gain confidence (as an adult). I wish those tools were available to me when I was little. I once saw the boy who used to call me a witch (I was about 13 at the time) in a supermarket, last year. I wish I'd plucked up the courage to tell him how he made me feel at the time. I didn't though. I wasn't teased for any other reason than not being part of a gang, and doing my homework and study hard. I was teased for being 'ordinary' and blending in. I always think of the kids who were nasty to me as failures and sad individuals.

it has made me a nicer person i remember how bad it made me feel to be the victim so if i can i will be friendly with people try to make their day nicer and never try to knock someones confidence , dosent mean ii wont stand up for myself as an adult if someone tries to put me down now i will come back at them with everything i posess

I was not really bullied per say but I always felt excluded.
I still feel like an outsider generally but I am not sure if I think that's a bad thing.

I'd probably be a happier person if I had ever felt like I "fit in" but I'm not unhappy exactly and I like feeling like I can contribute alternative perspectives.

I have low self esteem.
I shut myself off from people and keep them at arm's length because I assume if people get to know me they won't like me.
I am very distrustful of groups in general.
I have very few friends (lack of trust and aforementioned closed-off-ness).
Generally consider myself weird and unlikable (esp as my mum told me it was my fault I got bullied as I "wouldn't" fit in. I suspect I have undiagnosed ASD tbh).
Don't have a career, and had severe MH issues in my late teens and early 20s though they're mostly under control now.

I’m not very good at most mingling/networking in work contexts (more comfortable at toddler groups etc because it’s easier to start chatting ....how old is he/she? I love her bunny hat etc)
But who knows if that’s anything to do with bullying or just innate shyness/a throwback from being the foreign kid and struggling in a new language.

In general I don’t think it has affected me negatively a lot...I can look back and see that’s objectively the girls that bullied me were disadvantaged/had not great homelives.

I’m grateful though that DS has inherited DHs social skills rather than mine though. I think he will find school easier than I did...he runs into nursery in the morning straight to hug his friends! At his age I thought the other girls were boring and the boys wouldn’t let me play with them.

So basically I’ve ways been a bit awkward but I think the bullies picked up on it rather than it starting as a result of being bullied.

Horrendous self esteem, anxiety & fear of being disliked. Very fearful of new relationships and don't trust easily. But, also, I try to be kind and work a care giving field as I am quite empathetic.

I eventually had (expensive!) therapy as an adult as my anxiety was debilitating and being bullied as a teenager was where the anxiety originated.

I have been very protective of my ASD son which is probably why he says 'don't make a fuss'. I did make a lot of fuss at primary school, largely because I couldn't make school see there was a problem. We got there in the end, and got a diagnosis, which at least proved that I wasn't mad. But he hates talking to adults. His key worker at secondary school is a very kind lady but I think she doesn't really get it either and he finds her very patronising (he's very bright and articulate, and not completely socially inept, despite the autism) and he absolutely HATES being taken off for a chat. I'm sure if we did lodge a proper complaint against the boys who are teasing him, school would take it very seriously. But then the boys would know DS had snitched. It's awkward because the kids doing it are supposedly his friends, or at least the acquaintances he spends every day with. But being with people that treat you badly is incredibly damaging.

i hate anyone knowing anything about me in case they use it against me

Also this.

And feeling inferior/can't take criticism.

I have a massive guard up all the time as I don't feel safe around others otherwise.

I've spent most of my 20s rebuilding my confidence and really struggled with friendships during university (went straight from school.) I do, however feel that I am now a fairly confident adult with a close knit group of friends.

I would say, however, that I've never really forgiven my parents for not doing anything about the bullying. If I was in your situation I would come down like a tonne of bricks and make sure something was done to sort it. Your children may feel embarrassed now but will thank you for it in the future.

I was severely bullied at school by both girls and boys- the boys would deliberately kick my ankles when going down stairs, so that I would fall. They would call me awful names, as would the girls, throw things at me, push me and laugh at me. I just pretended it wasn’t happening. I had this imaginary life that I would think of whenever the bullies were getting on at me. I was never anything but nice to people at school.

I felt very distant when I was at school, I would frequently have abdominal migraines and would make up illnesses so that I could stay off school. I at this time showed symptoms of M.E, which was triggered by stress and would catch infections repeatedly.

After leaving school, I went to University, hoping that things would be different but unfortunately ended up a victim of bullies multiple times. I became severely unwell with M.E at this point and ended up dropping out of University just before the end of my third year.

I met my dh several months after at a charity even for a treatment that I was undergoing. We fell in love, had serious in-laws issues and the stress triggered another huge relapse of my m.e. I slowly improved, we got married and after I had been constantly well for x time we decided to start a family. We went on to have our ds and eighteen months after ds was born I fell pregnant with dd.

Unfortunately my health was on a downward spiral and I have been unable to walk for seven years and bedbound for the last two years. I have issues with tachycardia and have recently recovered from my second Sepsis attack. My body has a compromised immune system.

My ds and dd are both on the autistic spectrum and I believe that I am too. I also believe that it was my being on the spectrum which the bullies noticed and attacked me for.

I was left with very low self esteem and struggled to believe that any man would find me attractive. This caused a great deal of insecurity and jealousy in the early days of my relationship with dh (my first and only partner). I am now much more trusting of my dh and we have a secure and loving relationship. We have had to work at it though and my dh has been so understanding.

I am very protective of my dc and very on top of bullying, taking a zero tolerance approach. I would be devastated if my dd or ds were bullied to the extent that I was.

I was bullied relentlessly at school. Both physically and mentally. Yeah people also might think i turned out fine- despite leaving at 16 and having to return as a mature student but i have recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder - so......
...

I was bullied in secondary school,I'm now 38.It hasn't affected me other than I categorically refuse to let anyone bully my ds,he's in Reception and we are already teaching him zero tolerance to bullying.Its something I feel very strongly about.