AIBU to ask how being bullied as a kid affected your adult life ...

[donkeyshrekmom]

Feeling a bit miserable today. Both my kids are dealing with difficult stuff at school. Low-level verbal bullying and teasing. The kind of thing that I suffered from for years at school and nothing was ever done about it. I remember going home and crying frequently to my Mum and she cuddled me but said nothing could be done. I don't hold it against her as I think the climate was different back in the 70s and 80s when I was growing up. When I think back to the really bad years, between 10-14, I have nothing but bad memories.

Sometimes I feel about to say 'well, I went through all that when i was a kid, and I turned out fine ...' except I didn't turn out fine. I mean, I grew up, went to university, had a few friends, socialised, got married, had kids, held down jobs, travelled. I'm not exactly a failure but, the more I think about it, the more I realise that that bullied and lonely girl became an angry, insecure, anxious and often very difficult and unlovable adult.

How have others come to terms with this? I guess it's not surprising that, when you have kids of your own, you revisit mentally your own childhood and see things in a different way.

I'm crying at this. Have just had a revelation about why I don't take criticism very well. (and I see that in my younger son).
I also think I may be on the spectrum and that was why I didn't 'fit in' and was bullied. I used to think it was the different accent, and the bright red hair. That didn't help either, but maybe it wasn't the whole story.

And - oh - aren't some human beings really bloody horrid to one another? I didn't go to a school reunion as it was being organised by a boy who was awful to me for years. I would like to know what he remembers of those times. Weird that I'm also FB friends with a girl who was awful to me and she appears to have grown up into a perfectly lovely adult (although I don't know her in real life).

I react strongly to bullying as an adult, I don’t tolerate it and that extends to sticking my oar in if I think someone else is being bullied.

I don’t seek approval from people who don’t approve of me! I tend to have firm boundaries about caring what people think about me. I construct my life so I don’t have to deal with people I find difficult.

I find I react to certain situations like a teenager if I’m not careful - particularly feeling like I’m being excluded from a social circle. I value loyalty highly in my friends.

I am in my 60s, have a lovely DH and DC and DGC. Really loving home life. But when I was growing up I was bullied constantly and was convinced by the kids at school that I was ridiculously ugly stupid and had no worth as a person. I could not tell my Mum, not because she would not care or would not do anything, but because I had to protect her from the pain of knowing how much I was despised. I loved her too much to hurt her, so I kept the hurt to myself. The bullying was pretty constant, only stopping when I went to University.

By then the damage was done though, and I often wonder how I might have been different without the bullying.

When I met the man I would eventually marry, I'd hide my face when he looked at me too long, afraid he would realise how ugly I really was. I was 23! Old enough to know better but...this crap changes lives.

Sending non mumsnetty hugs OP. You might find this video helpful

I skipped classes because I felt out of place at college while I was bullied there. Thankfully i had friends on different courses so I'd still get to see them. The lessons and trips were hell though because I was so alone on my course.

I'm also very aware of my voice. I once got made fun of for my voice by my geography teacher. He also made fun of me wanting to answer questions in his lessons (I'd just moved schools). I didn't answer a single question after that. Was far too embarrassed.

I walked out of a maths class once though after I'd had a compass thrown at my head. So I guess it depended on how I was feeling. Some days I would stand up for myself. Other days I wouldn't.

As for now though... id much rather just fly under the radar but I've not suffered majorly. I can still make and keep friendships. I'll still do things. But I will also cut people out of my life now if I can see it going in a had direction. Doesn't stop me from mourning though.

I didn’t do well in my a levels so never went to uni. I have a deep distrust of women, which, unfortunately, has been proven to be sensible recently.
I feel awkward around people and constantly worry that they are only pretending to like me.

It's made me tougher and better able to deal with the world. If you let school define you then you're a melt.

Fleetsum
"When I met the man I would eventually marry, I'd hide my face when he looked at me too long, afraid he would realise how ugly I really was. I was 23! Old enough to know better but...this crap changes lives."
The tears are literally dripping onto the keyboard.
I'm so sorry you and others have had to go through that.

I suppose I turned out ok but I don’t let people get close to me either physically or emotionally.
I also don’t trust people and my automatic default is to dislike people.
Due to the specific circumstances of my being bullied I was always terrified of being associated with the nerds or uncool people and probably missed out on some great friendships as I only hung out with the “cool” crowd
I have a small group of friends here but I don’t entirely trust them and fully expect them to be talking behind my back ( when I think about it logically I very much doubt they are)

Both kids on their way home from school now. Need to pull myself together. Hope they haven't had totally shit days.

I also agree that it stays with you
I got a FB friend request from a girl who bullied me over 35 years ago. I haven’t seen or heard from her in that length of time and I could probably squash her like a big both physically and verbally now
I still felt sick when I realised who she was ( obviously didn’t accept the request)

Like a bug not a big I meant

I think like with most things it depends how you look at it. I was left with anxiety and self loathing but I was also left with resilience and I'm very independent. I find it hard to make friends but the ones I do make are good people. However most importantly if i hadnt been bullied I wouldn't be my quirky self, I might have gone to uni I might have more friends but I wouldn't have my experiences I wouldn't be the person I am, the person my friends and family love me for warts and all.

Fleetsum that actually strikes a chord with me, I adore my dh and he adores me but I recently asked him if he was being honest, or was just saying it to be nice, as he constantly tells me I am beautiful, yet I see no beauty in the reflection in the mirror.

I married dh age 23 and despite having a stunning figure, I believed I was fat. The criticism and awful comments stay with you.

I was bullied during my last year at senior school. All my mum did was tell me to ignore them. Pretty tricky when being ignored was a huge part of the problem. I have zero self-confidence, low self esteem, rather ironically feel invisible in most circles, leading me to be very quiet & withdrawn in social settings, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy as no one notices I'm there! I trust no one & don't make friends easily. Am amazed I ever spoke to dh, but (mostly) glad I did.
I now have two teen daughters who are trying to navigate their way through all this. Seems some people are still just bloody nasty - their grandmother is STILL saying 'just ignore it' but we have long conversations about what is happening & why said person is acting the way they are. They sometimes spot that it's more about others insecurities than their own & it makes me happy to think I have raised dds to try and look beyond initial behaviour (one friend was seriously acting out as result of medical diagnosis & really needed her friends, despite her anger).
It is very, very hard to see this going on and I really want to wade in & sort it out!! But am attempting to give them the tools to deal with it themselves. With the knowledge that if that doesn't work & they do 'flip' one day, I will 100% have their backs. In someways I wish it was me & not them that was dealing with it again. Hope your dc find their way through this

It made me fight back. I stand up for myself and I learned that through being bullied.

It has made me a virtual recluse. I coped with bullying at school by hiding away at break and lunchtimes and not sitting with people during lessons. That remains a behavioural issue even today, 30-40 years later. I still avoid social events, and will arrive at work courses etc ridiculously early to pick a seat in a back corner. At break/lunch times on courses I'll go and sit in my car alone rather than "risk" socialising. After the first half of my working life was blighted by being unable to deal with people, I set up my own business which I operate as "internet only" so 99% of customer interaction is via email which is something I can excel at.

Bullying at school also wrecked my education. I was a straight A pupil at primary school, but ended up failing all my O levels. That was because I spent most of the time in classes stressing about how I could avoid people at the next break, rather than concentrating on the lesson. I also did the bare minimum for the same reason, so never went to lunchtime or after school extra revision classes etc.

I was bullied throughout school.

It's affected me differently to most people, it would seem. I don't care if people like me. I seldom give second chances. I'm very much a lone wolf and don't want, or need, anyone's approval. I have plenty of friends and don't have any problems making or keeping them. I just don't have any problem cutting them off if I feel I need to.

Possibly because some of my bullying was from supposed friends.

I was bullied in secondary school, I went to a very low achieving comprehensive school and was singled out for being too academic.

My bet revenge was to do very well at A levels and go to uni and I did well professionally for a while. Unfortunately I thneed repeated old patterns by marrying a bully who was also a nasty self-centred narc and that pretty much wrecked my life for a long time.

I'm free now and rebuilding myself but I agree with all the things PP say about feeling like an outsider and never getting close to people. I don't trust anyone. On the plus side I am incredibly independent and I am now very tough about looking after myself and my DC. I have no qualms about intervening at school and have done so several times.