To be annoyed she's cancelled on me again?

[beerandwine]

I posted the other day about my friend who I haven't seen for months.
Spends all her days off with husband as he gets lonely and she feels guilty leaving him.
Now he starts work at 12pm daily and today she arranged for him to drive himself to work and she was meeting me at 10am for a few hours ..for a shop and catch-up.
I'm having a few problems with anxiety at min so I was so looking forward to it.
She called this morning saying she couldn't make it as she had to go with him to work.
I said why ?
She said he still hasn't put the Christmas tree/decorations up at his bar (him and his friend rent this bar/rest) so she has to go and do it or it won't get done.
I said your cancelling on me to put a Christmas tree up at his bar? Is he not capable of putting a tree up? (I'm aware that sounds cheeky but I was annoyed )
She said he is but he will get frustrated trying to do it so it's easier I do it.
Would you be annoyed too?

Either she doesn’t want to see you or he’s trying to stop her seeing you.
Nothing you can do really.

I would be irritated however, as a former hospitality manager, not having your Christmas decs up in time for the first Christmas party is a crime and will result in complaints. Believe me, I had to deal with an awful woman who kicked off that our Christmas tree wasn't Christmassy enough, this apparently ruined the atmosphere, spoilt their night out, this was her first year organising the do and so was incredibly embarrassing for her and she may never get to do it again. Customers can be harsh!!

She arranged today so I deffo don't think it's her choice.

Have you ever thought it’s possible he is struggling with MH issues too hence her needing to be avilabile to him?

It's her husbands bar,it baffles me that a grown man can't stick a tree up and some tinsel.
He stops her doing everything she wants to do.
She can't have her days off for herself.
Driving him to work,sitting in his work whilst they prepare food,cleaning up for him.
Last week she drove him to work and she wanted to go shopping and he left work on the pretence of needing milk and stopped her going alone.

He has zero issues except for being very controlling.

It sounds to me like her husband has got some major MH issues too tbh.

Sounds like my twat exh. I was the one cancelling as the fall out from going out was massive.
Call his bluff and offer to go help her. He is trying to alienate her friends.
Don't let him win.

She's in an abusive relationship so its going to be difficult for her until she leaves him

Well if he's that controlling then you being annoyed with her is the last thing she needs.

I wouldn't be annoyed with her, I'd be worried she's married to such a control freak. He's really done a number on her hasn't he?

That's the tip of the iceberg.
Once he cried before she went to the cinema with me,he said you clearly don't love me(this was a while ago now tho )

She's being abused. She needs you to be supportive, not angry with her.

He wants to drive her friends away; don't let him win.

Try not to view it as her cancelling on you, because it was really him not allowing her to go. Don't get mad with her, be a friend no matter what, as one day - I hope soon - she will really need you when she decided to get her own life back. She probably does need you already to keep her sane.

I would have offered to help.
Love doing trees.

She’s being emotionally abused. Until she sees it - you will slowly lose your friend. This is 100% not you at all.

Once he cried before she went to the cinema with me,he said you clearly don't love me
So emotional blackmail then, what a manipulative tw@t. He is clearly cutting you(and others?) out of her life.

he sounds ultra controlling and you are pandering to it. I have been in the same situation years ago and eventually I snapped and got rid of him.

I once rang my friend from hospital, mid pregnancy and bleeding.
She didn't answer her phone as apparently her dh doesn't allow her to access it whilst out together.

They were at McDonald's ffs.

She used to sneak upstairs to use her phone.
He made her a spread sheet of her calls /text daily allowance.
We were all 40+.
They have split but he won't agree to divorce.

Don't give up on her - that's what he wants.

He doesn't want her to have any friends and he is doing his best to isolate her completely.

So had she told him her plans & that was when he decided that the Christmas tree needed putting up?

Is it all him being controlling & she gives in because she is too scared not to?

Yes it is annoying for you. It sounds like she's not happy either but is not able to stand up to him.
You sound like you think that she could do it if she really cared about you - but its highly unlikely its as easy as that. Control is insidious and there are many cages caused with words and behaviour.
Only you can gauge whether you want to still be there for her and hope that something changes or you slowly end up drifting apart.
I was in one of these relationships, I escaped but by the time that had happened pretty much all of my friends had drifted away. Now I am out of that control I am both embarassed to get back in touch with those friends, but also a little sad and don't want to get back in touch because none were able to stick around for me even if I had had a shitty boyfriend.

@beerandwine

Blimey, my DH can occasionally be a bit whiny if he is left on his own while I go out with mates/family etc, but he doesn't stop me or control what I do. I may get a call if I have said I will be home for 4pm and am not home by 5pm, but that's kind of understandable... A bit of a mitherer is one thing; a control freak that monitors your every move is quite something else......

YANBU OP. But I am not sure what you can do.

Someone mentioned on your previous thread that you only seem bothered about your DF being in an abusive relationship because of how it impacts you. I'd agree

She chooses to stay
She continues to run after him
She won't hear a bad word about him
What am I meant to do ?
She can't see that the situation is ridiculous