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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another baby??

61 replies

Funtimes88 · 28/11/2018 20:03

Hey looking some advice please. Have a boy 2yrs 7months and thinking of having another baby. I have lupus (currently controlled and drs happy for me to have another). Husband has a brain tumour,has had two awake brain surgerys,he is not 100% on having another baby as feels it would be too much but also sees the benefit for our son.
I have great family support and think it would be better in long run to have another now as great company for son especially when he is sent to grandparents when we are sick. Also think better for him on holidays,Christmas and just generally to have someone to play with. Also worries me of him having to look after us or one of us die and he has no sibling to talk to,share his experience.
Our boy has slept in his own room from two months and all through the night,just this week he has started wanting to stay in our bed and has got quite clingy. What are peoples suggestions on another baby??

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 28/11/2018 20:27

Listen to your husband. He is the one parenting with you - not strangers on MN.

Should be a joint decision with him.

Original poster
Funtimes88 · 28/11/2018 22:01

Well there you go,want advise never ask anyone but your partner,strange advise thank you

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 28/11/2018 22:06

You both have serious medical conditions, having two is a lot more pressure/tiring than one, DS1 might end up getting less time and attention than he does now despite having a sibling. Nothing wrong with an only.

BarbarianMum · 28/11/2018 22:12

How are you financially- do you have plans in place for if one or both of you can no longer work? 2 is much more expensive than one and much more work, at least initially. Does your lupus flare when you're tired? Does pregnancy make it better or worse?

That said there are lots of benefits to having 2 not 1 imo. And if you gave it a few months before ttc youd have a 3 year gap bw your two children which is pretty ideal.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 28/11/2018 22:12

i see your point about siblings and so sorry to hear about both of your conditions. Is your DH terminal? If not perhaps just postponing until he is in a better place?

siblings can be close with a bigger age gap.

also sorry to have to ask but if you both did die who would look after them?

Llanali · 28/11/2018 22:13

I think you also have to consider the grand parents perspective here. If you rely on their regular taking over care of you son, how do they feel about another child?

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

naicepineapple · 28/11/2018 22:17

And if you gave it a few months before ttc youd have a 3 year gap bw your two children which is pretty ideal.

Confused ops child is 2yrs 7months. Pregnancy is 9 months...

Op would the grandparents be able and willing to look after 2?

Valanice1989 · 28/11/2018 22:18

OP, if your husband has a brain tumour, I don't think he should feel under any pressure to have another child right now.

Twatforahat · 28/11/2018 22:21

I personally wouldnt based on what you've said

Thesearmsofmine · 28/11/2018 22:22

I think you need to listen to your DH. Two children can be very hard work, your son slept through at a very young age but a second may not. Asking grandparents to look after two children is a bigger ask than one.

Tistheseason17 · 28/11/2018 22:29

strange advise thank you

Well, OP, your request for advice is strange. It's you and your DH making the baby not internet strangers.

Do you want people to tell you to ignore your husband's wishes as he's not 100% into it? 🤔

I'd have liked another child but my DH was not 100% into it so we decided together not to. You both need to be 100% committed and not consider MN views. Odd.

Original poster
Funtimes88 · 28/11/2018 22:29

This is much better advise than the first message I got,thank you all for this,definitely food for thought xx

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 28/11/2018 22:32

You may well find that family happy to take on one kid for regular babysitting are more reluctant with two. And you know, your DPs and ILs are only going to get older. MIL tried to persuade me to go back to work and let her babysit DS1. If I had, I would’ve quit soon after as her health has gone downhill.

kenandbarbie · 28/11/2018 22:35

How old / healthy are grandparents?

Original poster
Funtimes88 · 28/11/2018 22:38

Yeh thats right aggghhh just so hard to know as I dont want to regret it when hes older and its too late

OP posts:
Original poster
Funtimes88 · 28/11/2018 22:45

At the min ive been stable for a few years had a brilliant pregnancy with son but could have a bad second pregnancy. Still get very tired and would have the miney for a second. His parents (are in 50's) mine are a lot older but they dont mind wee man as much. I have 4 sisters and two brothers,half of them are amazing help,my cousin has just come home from england and has said she will help all the time,we are best friends and she admits that my son is the biggest reason for her return home to ireland xx

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 28/11/2018 22:48

You can't always rely on grandparents or family. My in-laws couldn't cope when my children got to toddlers. I think your being selfish esp since you already send your son to gp when you are ill. They raised their children alreqdy

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2018 22:56

Don't you have enough on your plate to deal with? Very serious issues. I fail to see how throwing a new baby in the mix would help. Also, if your husband says no, the answer is NO.

slappinthebass · 28/11/2018 23:31

I don't think you are being selfish, you are thinking of your son. I think it sounds like he would benefit from a sibling. I would consider making your cousin their legal guardian. Sounds like you have plenty of family around to help.

Original poster
Funtimes88 · 29/11/2018 11:29

Thank you so much,that hurt so much that someone called me selfish as your right im thinking of my beautiful son and his furture.
Actually my husband was shocked at a lot of these messages and asked me was I sure I was on a mums sight? This is a big decision and we are looking advise and thoughts not personal attacks I dont see how that helps. So I really appreciate you taking the time to read all this and see that I am just trying to look after my family. Lots of people get grandparents help but just because I do its that im not even looking after my own son,let me explain I do look after my child,he stays at grandparents one night a month and yes there was extra when my husband was having surgery(I dont see the harm in that) and yes they help out fir a few hrs (3hrs) maybe twice a week while I work 13 hr shift and my husband walks dogs(his job) but as far as my family are concerned they all did that with grandparents when children were little. I was just pointing out they are fantastic and a great support but I look after my own son so im not pushing a child on them. My husbands brother has two kids and they would look after them more than my son (not that I mind this as ive saud fantastic to us). Maybe I worded it wrong but I hate that people have assumed that somehow my son is never with us,not true in the slightest.

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 29/11/2018 11:36

I don't think anyone is attacking you. However with everything you have on your plate, I wouldn't right now. I would focus on your husband's health.

Nesssie · 29/11/2018 11:53

No one is attacking you they are just saying what you don't want to hear...

Original poster
Funtimes88 · 29/11/2018 11:59

So you think im selfish nessie? I really appreciate everyones views and have even said I think people are right above but I think calling me selfish and telling me to only speak to my husband and not ask others opinions is not helpful and yes to call me selfish is a very personal attack.

OP posts:
Shepherdspieisminging · 29/11/2018 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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