Another baby??

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Hey looking some advice please. Have a boy 2yrs 7months and thinking of having another baby. I have lupus (currently controlled and drs happy for me to have another). Husband has a brain tumour,has had two awake brain surgerys,he is not 100% on having another baby as feels it would be too much but also sees the benefit for our son.
I have great family support and think it would be better in long run to have another now as great company for son especially when he is sent to grandparents when we are sick. Also think better for him on holidays,Christmas and just generally to have someone to play with. Also worries me of him having to look after us or one of us die and he has no sibling to talk to,share his experience.
Our boy has slept in his own room from two months and all through the night,just this week he has started wanting to stay in our bed and has got quite clingy. What are peoples suggestions on another baby??

I think the point about grandparents isn't so much about now, but if the situation changed so that you did need to rely on them to do much more/all of the caring, is that realistic with two children? And if not, what other options are there?

If you had an easy pregnancy and an easy baby who got on well with their sibling- all good.

What if you don’t? What happens if your condition worsens in pregnancy? Or you have an unwell baby? Or a child with additional needs? What are your contingency plans?

I think the key question here OP is whether you & your DH can manage 2 children with zero family help? If the answer is no then I don’t think you should have another child & I would say this to anyone, even if they’re fit & healthy as no one knows what the future holds.

Your family are a great help & support NOW but that might not always be the case. You say your parents are older, what happens if their health deteriorates? Will your siblings still be able to help you if they also have to care for your parents?

Do your siblings have children? Does your cousin have children? What happens if they have (more) children & their child has some type of SN, would they still be able to support you then?

Are your siblings & cousin married? How do their spouses feel about potentially offering childcare? If they’re single, what happens if they meet someone who doesn’t want to offer care for your children?

What happens if your siblings / cousin move away or become ill themselves?

What if your second child has SN, would you be able to manage? Would your family be able to manage?

I’m 32 & have a chronic health condition which is why, thus far, I have decided against having children as I know there will times when I absolutely will need help & it’s not right or fair of me to expect this help to always be available, in fact it would be very selfish of me especially as the nature of my illness means I could have a flare up & need help / assistance without any notice.

Luckily I’m getting to a financial situation where if my family weren’t able to help, I could “buy” help, is that something your finances would allow?

I know so many what ifs thats important to think about. As I said ive a big family who can also help and my cousin. My sister and mum really want me to have another but the other sister who helps I need to talk to for as you say a plan.
My consultant who was very against first pregnancy now has no issues what so ever with us having another she knows us extremely well been with us through everything,we were shocked how supportive she was and the drugs iam on I can stay on during a pregnancy. Also two drs one from health centre and one from work also see no issues,again know us as a couple and obviously our history. But still as you all say so many what ifs that its so so scary. This is definitely a decision I am making alone,we are talking to everyone and trying to make a good choice as if we leave longer its only going to get harder due to age gap aghhhh

This is definitely a decision I am making alone

Meant NOT making alone

Don’t worry about the age gap and use that as a reason to have one when there are other medical issues which are more pressing.

That’s great your mum and sister want you to have another but it wouldn’t be their child. It would be yours and your husband and if he isn’t on board at the moment then I think you need to respect that and do it at a time when you both are ready.

I personally wouldnt based on what you've said

No I wouldn't either. There is an awful lot on both your plates OP and knowing life has a habit of throwing a curve ball I really wouldn't have another baby.

For one that support network may not be there forever and secondly you're assuming you'll have a healthy child. I assumed that as well until I got a one with SN who will need care his entire life. You could be placing a burden on your existing child because of a want.

I really would count my blessings and enjoy what I do have in your shoes. But I'm not in your shoes, this is something you must thrash out with your husband.

This might sound patronising, I really don’t mean it to. But are you thinking about the baby with a clear head, and without fixating on it making everything better?

I ask because DS2 was conceived in a fog of PND and I’d convinced myself that if I’d have a baby that I’d bond with easily (unlike DS1) it would fix my life. I don’t regret DS2 but I conceived him at a crazy time for a crazy reason.

And I’m not saying you’re clinically depressed, but you have every reason to be stressed to your limits right now, it sounds like things are tough.

I'm so sorry about your situation OP. I do also agree with PP that you shouldn't go for another baby, I think it's unlikely that a younger sibling will be much of a support for DS in the near future (in fact the younger sibling will take attention away from DS). Another child will also make things more difficult when you need help with the children. Since there are already two major health problems between your husband and you you're so much more vulnerable if say the grandparents had a deterioration in health. The most important thing for any child at home is strong adult relationships. While siblings and friendships with other children are lovely they could never provide what the love and support of their adult carers does.

I really think your husband could benefit from as little stress as possible while he recuperates, now is just not a good time to be dealing with a newborn

I disagree so much with the advice here. I have a great family I am close to and I can trust in their support. Not every family is evil or unreliable. OP: if you have a large family and you trust them then count on their support.

And all the arguments about your illnesses were good reasons not to have your first child. Now you have him, please do not leave him to nurse and bury two seriously ill parents alone. It's not right. Frankly if your extended family are as unreliable as this thread thinks they will be, better have that second child NOW while they are all still engaged and able to help and not leave them to be the sole support for your son when (not to be crude) you are both sick or dying.

I think you have to try and give him a sibling.

I grew up in a very difficult home. My siblings got me through it. No-one understands my life like they do because they also lived it. Your child will be alone through bereavement, illness, worry. Everything. Alone.

2 kids are A LOT harder than one. and plenty of siblings don’t get along, so the playing together argument might never be true.
only children are perfectly ok - especially if parents are limited in how much attention they can give!

@vuripadexo very dramatic. the oldest child might soon be a carer for his patents and a sibling. hard enough without the added responsibility.
and plenty of siblings don’t get on at all

Your child will be alone through bereavement, illness, worry. Everything. Alone
Why alone?
OP has already said she has loads of siblings who want to help.
He has cousins, auties, uncles, grand parents.
He won't be alone.

A friend of mine basically became a full time carer age 8. it destroyed him. looking after his younger sister when he needed to be a child himself was soul destroying. there were grandparents, and without the younger sibling, he would have been so much better off. result: siblings detest each other and both resent their deceased parents.

My two cents is that if I had a brain tumour, the last thing I would want to be doing is looking after a newborn.

I don't think its fair to have another baby when you're both unwell and relying on your family to help with your son

If your DH is not 100% happy about it then no I wouldn't.
It doesn't mean you never can, just not right now.
If his health improves then he may want to.
It would actually be a lot easier if you waited until your DS is in school or at least in school nursery.
Nothing wrong with being an only child btw.
My sister is an arse hole and I'll be dealing with everything alone when the time comes.

DH was diagnosed with a condition 6 years ago. At the time of his diagnosis his life expectancy was less than 10 years. We are lucky that medical science seems to be moving quickly in the condition he has and he is still living a normal life with minimal medical intervention.

DS was 18 months when he was diagnosed and we made the decision to not have any more children.

I'm not sure if I could cope financially or emotionally on my own with more than 1 child and DH wasn't sure he could cope with broken sleep a second time (even though DS wasn't a terrible sleeper).

DS and I enjoy days out together to places that DH can't really enjoy because of his condition. Some of those places would be impossible to visit with a ratio of 1 adult to 2 children.

We make sure DS has lots of friends in and out of school and lots of activities to keep him engaging with others. When he's older and more independent I plan to take friends on days out so that he has company.

If I can pick up on this OP -

Also worries me of him having to look after us or one of us die and he has no sibling to talk to,share his experience.

I'm sorry you find your self in such a situation but you are making wild assumptions that one or either or both of your children might want to look after you? There are so many 'what ifs', what if they don't? what if you become very ill when they are at school and they become your carers, and have their education and life opportunities compromised? what if your children don't get along? What if your children's have illness themselves? what if the grandparents in this scenario die?

I have to echo the sentiments already expressed, having children to be your carers in wrong IMHO. It's hard enough for two able bodied healthy people to parent.

It isn't a personal attack, you asked for opinions, I'd say the same to anyone contemplating a child in your circumstances

It's a very hard decision. We've had to make the decision to stop at one because of the birth injuries I suffered. I could technically have another, but the risk is possibly becoming doubly incontinent, needing multiple surgeries. So we've decide one is it.

I feel bad about the sibling thing, but in reality, my one sibling moved to the other side of the world and is never coming back. When my parents are old or need care, it will be my husband supporting me realistically, not my sister. So even having a sibling is no guarantee of company for life.

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're having to. cope with a lot x

If your husband says no then it’s no. There’s not much more to it than that.

Don’t bring a baby into your situation if your husband isn’t on board.

please do not leave him to nurse and bury two seriously ill parents alone - this is such a selfish reason to have a second child. To have another child simply to support the existing child? Crazy.

It has nothing to do with trust, unreliability or how great / evil family are & everything to do with circumstances because circumstances can change. Sometimes shit happens because life can’t always be controlled.

I come from a wonderful big family & they also wanted me to have children, they promised to help & came up with support plans should my health deteriorate & it was all said in GOOD FAITH.

Let me tell you what has happened in the last 8 years:

1. My dad’s health has deteriorated to the point where my mum is now his carer even though she has health issues herself.

1. Sibling A’s marriage broke down so is now a single parent.

1. Sibling B’s youngest child has SN.

1. Sibling C got an amazing job offer & moved across the Atlantic.

1. Sibling D has been diagnosed with the same chronic illness as me.

1. Sibling E’s spouse has developed serious health issues & they are just about keeping their heads above water.

If I had listened to my family & gone ahead & had children on the assumption that they would help, I’d have been royally screwed.

My family’s change in circumstances is nothing out of the realms of possibility & has nothing to do with them being untrustworthy, unreliable or evil, it’s just life.

I would have been extremely foolish to have had children knowing full well that there was absolutely no way I’d be able to cope without my family’s help.