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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH to f-off ( Christmas drinking related)

52 replies

elfycat · 28/11/2018 19:40

DH will be working all over Xmas and New Year and previously told me to make my own arrangements as he categorically would not be able to see me or the kids. Previous years he was able to come Xmas eve to B'day and be on call.

I have arranged to spend Xmas with a friend ( first non blood family one and we're quite excited planning a no-fucks given day)

DH is now allowed to leave work and be on-call and I wasn't immediately thrilled with the change to my plans no headspace for changes at the moment, plus I don't want to put my friend out with a guest who might have to leave with 2 hours notice. Not that I don't want to see him but he will now be coming to my friends.

He has just asked if we can do a deal. I drink one day, and him the other. He would need to be at work within 5 hours and ready to actually work the following day. On my 'non-drinking day' in the unlikely event he were to be called in, I would have to drive a 4-5 hour return trip to get back to my friends. This would be Boxing Day as I wouldn't leave her with 2 guests missing for dinner.

There is no return part of this deal for me, so it's not a deal as far as I am concerned. It's a favour I don't feel inclined to give.

AiBU to tell him to go do one. Or stay at work where he can have a beer or two?

OP posts:
XXcstatic · 28/11/2018 20:28

YANBU because of the drive. But, apart from that, I think your DH is getting a massively hard time on here and the advice would be very different if the sexes were reversed.

I've worked a lot of Christmases. I'd be incredibly hurt if I unexpectedly got the day off/on call and DH's reaction was to whinge that I was messing up his plans to drink.

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 28/11/2018 20:29

Drinking aside, he’s a MASSIVE bellend expecting you and the kids to spend HOURS in the car just so he can have a few drinks. That’s beyond selfish and into ‘is this a deal breaker’?

Honestly, how often is he this fucking stupid and selfish?

donquixotedelamancha · 28/11/2018 20:30

DH will be working all over Xmas and New Year and previously told me to make my own arrangements as he categorically would not be able to see me or the kids.

I'm confused. DH usually describes a Darling Husband on MN. I'm not really clear on the relationship you are describing, but obviously it isn't that.

I would have to drive a 4-5 hour return trip

Yep, still not getting it. I can't imagine any relationship where this would make sense, except master and slave.

you do sound like you don't much like him

We know literally nothing about him, but I'm not sure I like him either.

FishesThatFly · 28/11/2018 20:32

Sorry am confused...

So your friend lives 5hrs away and you are to drive you all there.

He gets alcohol on day 1. You get it on day 2. However if he gets called in on day 1, you'll have to leave your friend and drive for several hrs as he has alcohol in his system.

Then the next day - day2- you won't actually be able to drink as you'll have to drive back to your friends

Rudgie47 · 28/11/2018 20:33

I think its better if he stopped at home and made his own plans. You can all do something together at new year.
If I was your friend I wouldn't want to be hosting your husband and not knowing if you would be having to leave and drive him. Its not fair on the friend.

I'd tell him to piss off, I really would.

donquixotedelamancha · 28/11/2018 20:34

I think your DH is getting a massively hard time on here and the advice would be very different if the sexes were reversed.

Thing is, when you are working at Christmas, you hate it and want to be with your family- so you sort of plan around that together. That doesn't seem to be the case here and the 5 hr round trip suggestion (at Christmas, with two kids) is bonkers.

Either OP is being very unfair to him because she's pissed off or something is quite wrong.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/11/2018 20:37

Can your friend come to you thrn he is near enough to work to get a taxi or drive himself

Sethis · 28/11/2018 20:38

There really isn't a situation, ever, where a 5 hour drive for the sake of a few glasses of wine is an acceptable trade.

He wouldn't drive for 5 hours to get a couple of beers, would he? So why the fuck should you? Doubly so when you've already got your own plans for those 5 hours that involve a relaxing break of your own with friends and your children?

Planesmistakenforstars · 28/11/2018 20:38

YANBU. I think "f-off" is a perfectly good response to his suggestion.

minisoksmakehardwork · 28/11/2018 20:45

F off is perfectly reasonable.

Of course, if he wishes to pay you his on call rate for the day he doesn't want you to drink, plus whatever he earns on top if he does get called in plus travelling for you have to drive him a 4/5 hour round trip, then I might consider it...

museumum · 28/11/2018 20:46

Surely he can get a taxi to work on Boxing Day if called in?
Is he expecting you to leave your kids with your friends too??? Cheeky!

GloryforGloves · 28/11/2018 20:48

I think your DH is getting a massively hard time on here and the advice would be very different if the sexes were reversed.

You are going to have to frame the situation for me as the opposite sex because I can’t see why sex reversal would make a slightest bit of difference in thesis scenario. I’d agreed that anyone (husband, wife, mother, etc) is being a dick in this situation by insisting I couldn’t drink so I’m available on Boxing Day to drive 5 hours - take personal responsibility, stay sober and drive your fucking self.

tissuesosoft · 28/11/2018 20:49

Is he your husband or partner? I would tell him to make his own arrangements- not fair on the children to drag them about and they come first.

Lunde · 28/11/2018 20:52

I have spent the last few Christmases with HCPs on call - some of whom could be called to anywhere in the county. They have always stuck to non-alcoholic drinks and done their own driving.

YANBU - having told you clearly to make your own plans your DH is BU to want to disrupt them for the sake of his own drinking - especially when it requires someone else to spend nearly a whole day driving. I think if he wants to come he needs to be prepared to stick to non-alcoholic drinks for the 3 days and sort out his own commute.

QuarterMileAtATime · 28/11/2018 20:54

Either the DC would have sit in the car for 5 hours, or stay behind and be without BOTH parents for five hours. That is truly selfish of him for the sake of a few glasses of wine.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 28/11/2018 20:54

He could fuck right off if he came to me with that idea. He obviously can't drink much anyway if he has to be at work. Imagine leaving your host with your two kids on christmas day just so he can have a few beers. No way in hell would that be happening. If he's so desperate to drink he can find a park bench close to his work.

Aarghhelpplease · 28/11/2018 21:03

I find this post rather sad. He’s your husband and neither of you seems to want to consider the other. I’m just thinking of what I would do in your position. If my DH asked me, the thought of spending Xmas with him would make the potential 5 hour round trip worth it. Remember it may not actually happen. Also I could genuinely take it or leave it with regards to the drinking. I also know he would do the same for me. Also your changing your plans to spend time with your husband and are debating whether to or not?? Do you actually want to spend time with him?

GloryforGloves · 28/11/2018 21:09

If my DH asked me, the thought of spending Xmas with him would make the potential 5 hour round trip worth it

Out of interest, what would you do with the children? Bundle them in the car for a 5 hour trip or leave them with the friend who has kindly offered to host you all? Or, presumably, your DH would not be so selfish to ask that of you when it disrupts the plans of the whole family and the host?

Original poster
elfycat · 28/11/2018 21:27

aargh* He's going to be able to come to my friend's without my help. I'll be arriving earlier and staying later than he'll be able to. He'll have his own car. If I dropped him off we'd have to go back some time in January to get it.

OP posts:
Lunde · 28/11/2018 21:35

Just tell him that you would love to see him but that he needs to be responsible for his own arrangements for work if he gets called in

DryIce · 28/11/2018 21:41

If my DH asked me, the thought of spending Xmas with him would make the potential 5 hour round trip worth it

Her DH can spend the entire Christmas period with her and their kids, he just with be able to have a few glasses of wine

Original poster
elfycat · 28/11/2018 21:48

I think he's getting the answer is no.

Just to say that he does work away for weeks at a time and not see us at all, but Xmas they do try to let some people go. When he told me to make my own plans the idea was for him to be elsewhere in the country. The plan became that he would be more local. Had he been more local I would have stayed at home, as I've done before.

He's a maintainence engineer with a national role, and the areas need to be covered over Xmas, but he wouldn't need to work ASAP if a job came in. His manager has allowed them to be on-call as long as they can promptly return, most probably so he can cover his own arse if anyone became too delayed. 'Be back in 2 hrs so you'll definitely be there in 5).

He was working the last 2 Xmas, but should will be off next one. We do want to see him of course. He can be a bit of an arse, but he's my arse and he can usually be made to see when he's being a berk. He agreed to the MN jury on this and is going to sit quietly, with his beer that I bought him earlier, and get over his idiocy.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 29/11/2018 07:04

Out of interest, what would you do with the children? Bundle them in the car for a 5 hour trip or leave them with the friend who has kindly offered to host you all?

I wondered this. He's expecting you to leave the ids on Christmas Day or "abandon" them at the friends house?

When he's at home and on call, does he drink then?

SoupDragon · 29/11/2018 07:05

(At least he has accepted he was unreasonable :) )

Holidayshopping · 29/11/2018 07:11

He’s being incredibly selfish.

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