AIBU - to be sick of being criticised by my teenage daughter for being a white cis-gender feminist?

[cloudspotter]

Which makes me something of an equivalent to Donald Trump in her book?

I always thought I was fairly right-on, but I will admit to being politically more "left of centre" than Corbynista. It's not very fashionable, I know.

She seems so rabidly reactionary, so angry at the world, increasingly it feels like she's in some kind of cult. I can't help but sometimes disagree with her view of "cultural appropriation" or "trans-phobic".

I love people, I am such a supporter of human rights, I'm horrified by the political direction of this country lately. I'm absolutely inclusive and horrified that there still remain homophobic elements in society, particularly religioin-based.

However, I'm not sure I can take any more of these aggressive discussions about how society is responsible for persecuting people just by thinking of gender as a meaningful concept.

I'm not opposed to the rebalancing of rights. However, I don't think identity politics have been a helpful way to take it forward, and it's alienating a lot of mainstream support, including me.

I actually think it's all a big distraction when people should be getting wound up about the big injustices going on, the destruction of the NHS, the welfare state, the wealth grab by the rich etc.

Now my daughter hates me, and seemingly by having views that differ from hers, I'm public enemy number one.

Hearing myself I now realise this is probably just one of those generational dividers that have been going on since time immemorial. Like rock-'n'-roll being the work of Satan.😂

Fuck sake, show teenagers some respect! Some of you are so patronising.

How about teaching her how to debate and how to respectfully disagree and how to research an opposing point of view ? Best way to do that is to lead by example. Not saying she’s right necessarily but you if you show you are open minded and willing to respect, research, listen and listen, then you may influence her behaviour a little.

It’s you belittle, disrespect and ignore like others are advising you, then what are you teaching her?

You don’t have to agree with her to teach her not to behave like that by example.

This has made me feel a lot better. Mainly because I did find myself speaking those tried and tested words "Come back to me when you've got a whole load more life experience, have had some responsibility for a job and for other people like your kids,vthen you have the right to lecture me."

Eek. I never thought I would say those words. 😮

It's called mother baiting, a favourite teen girl sport. She has found your button and she is pressing it :)

Right now, she knows fuck all about anything, and frankly IMO, she has no right to an opinion, or to tell you that you are wrong about anything, or right wing, or bigoted and so on

At what age do you feel young women (or men) develop the right to have an opinion? How many years of taxpaying does this require, and is having an actual job part of the criteria for being permitted an opinion? (because that would rule out large swathes of the people currently running the UK no matter what their age).

It's perfectly healthy to disagree on things with the people you love, as long as it's done with mutual respect. Disagreement is fine, rudeness is not.

And I am cis-gender, white, feminist, lefty and old but my DDs and I get on fine despite not agreeing on everything. I learn from them, they learn from me - saying 'young people have no right to an opinion' makes you utterly blinkered.

Mine are not teenagers but I am a Secondary teacher so have a wee bit of experience - not living with them mind you.

My first thought was that how brilliant it is that she has a cause. She has passion and fire in her belly. She just needs to channel it better. Encourage empassioned yet mannerful debate - remind her that shouting people down and being aggressive undermines her cause.

Remember this is not really about you and who you are. It’s about her learning who she is.

I went through a stage of trying to out-housewife my mum. I would rush around and clean and tidy while making very pointed digs at the poor woman. She was always being told what a gem I was. I was an arse. She was calm and in the end we found our equilibrium.

I hope you find yours soon.

Mother baiting. I think that's hit the nail on the head. She's been winding me up for weeks and tonight I've had a f'kin terrible day, on verge of walking out of my job, and had just had enough of the constant bitching.

I hope it made her feel better! 😡

Digging down to the next layer, I think this is about needing attention. I have been preoccupied with work problems, and this has become a flashpoint very recently.

It's perhaps a bit of a bid for some attention, any attention. Like toddlers being naughty.

Well it's worked.

How old is she?

Yep. Amazing how people who have been at the forefront of silencing others for years with supposed ‘offence’ etc are now discovering what it’s like now the same beast is turning on them. Oppressive movements always end up suppressing some of their own eventually too. Has happened every time in history.

Don't bite! Mine does this each time she returns from uni! hugely hoping she is coming to the end of this stage...
I'm now good at going, hmmm non commitedly / looking bored -distracted while doing this.

While there probably is an element of mother-baiting, I think this is also a normal symptom of attitudes changing over time.

For example, golliwogs- polling shows that a large majority of young people find them to be racist but a large majority of older people don't.

I think cultural appropriation is similar, but has more recently risen to prominence.

*Mother baiting is the perfect term! - love it! I might even call her out over this (if I dare ha ha!)

This sounds like my brother and my mum 30 odd years ago (although the subject matter was diffrent). It drove me nuts - are there any other kids in the house. I wouldn't engage - just agree to disagree and move on. If it is about attention could the 2 of you do something nice together- a film or something else?

I would point out that you can't be cisgender if you're a feminist. Being cisgender for a woman involves being wholly at ease with the stereotypes associated with femininity. Feminism rejects such gender stereotypes. So your DD is just wrong.

I'm a feminist and this is borne out by my life and choices. For instance I was the breadwinner and DH was a SAHF. Neither of us therefore qualifies as cisgender.

As for being white, which race is she? Because if she's white too what on earth is she criticizing you for? And if her DF isn't white then she can hardly accuse you of racism, can she?

Reading with interest as I have exactly the same thing with my teen Dd. Having ( totally misguidedly, as it turns out) thought of myself as reasonably right on for all of my adult life I am now lectured as though I’m actually Mussolini’s more right wing cis-sister. I find myself self editing like mad before speaking, in a way that I’d never see as acceptable doing so with a partner or friend. I’m sure there ‘s a grown up way to parent this but, right now, I’m channeling my inner Malcolm Tucker (on mute) to insert subtitles over each conversation. It helps.

Sounds normal but encouraging her to respectfully debate is such an important life skill. It will really help her in the future.

I do think limiting time online will help though. Too much can really confuse teens (and adults for that matter).

I would question her. Why does she feel women and girls no longer need a collective word? How do tackle sexism if we can't name sex? What does she think we should do to tackle the violence men cause and how can we protect women and girls? Also ask her not to call you cis if you don't share her religion. Labelling people against their will is unpleasant. Discussion is good and it's okay to disagree.

Don't worry about it. As parents of teenagers it's our lot in life to be wrong, especially politically. Take it as a compliment: she sees you as a safe sounding-board for her own ideas, which is a fabulous thing when the alternative could be her blindly following your viewpoint. My response can be anything from 'That's very interesting, what makes you say that?' to 'Yeah whateva' depending on how exhausted I am. Never take it personally.

She sounds brilliant. Kids like your daughter give me a lot of hope for the future.

Don’t worry too much about her hating you. She’ll probably never agree with you but she’ll remember you’re her mum and that she can love you anyway.

I can well imagine what she is coming out with and it is absolutely cult-like. I have a friend saying the same things and she's moved so far away from reality it's actually frightening so no, I don't think it is necessarily just normal teenage angst. I would either not discuss this issue with her or i'd sit her down and get her to watch some Magdalen Berns. But absolutely she needs to treat you with respect.

Love the Neolara’s idea of complimenting her on being such a good teenager! Totally take the wind out of her sails....

I just LOL at my teenager when he spouts crap and tell him he should move out and take care of himself while he still knows everything.

Which is exactly what my Mum told me to do.

It's not just girls. My ds1 is a better feminist than me, apparently, and although I am left-wing I have "shat out" on my principles by not being an actual communist. I am "intellectually lazy" because I can't match him quote for quote on Das Kapital and I don't always want to drop everything and debate the merits of universal basic income.

I know I could have these arguments with my daughter but steer clear of them. I did have a bit of an argument with her but stuck to saying "Oh as a feminist I'm very worried about the way men are getting rid of women's spaces." She considers herself a feminist so couldn't say much to that. She did mutter something about radical feminism (in a derogatory way) and I said, "Isn't it funny that Granny (88 years old) and all her friends are radical feminists nowadays?"

I did also tell her to make sure she didn't get sent to prison otherwise she might find herself sharing a cell with this woman-raping woman.

It'll pass, eventually. She's female, one day or other it'll sink in that things aren't there yet in terms of equality and it's biology that causes it, not internal feelings.