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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas compromise with families?

36 replies

Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 13:37

Christmas last year me and my fiance spent half the day and my parents and half at his, which obviously meant a lot of travelling around for us and not much time relaxing. His family also have christmas dinner really late so the day doesn't finish until gone midnight.

This year after a stressful year i would love to spend christmas day just the two of us in our new home. My OH is adament he does not want to do this and is unwilling to compromise at the moment as he wants to see 'his' family on christmas day. We are already spending christmas eve with his family at their annual christmas eve party at their home so he will still see them over the christmas period, i just wanted a relaxing christmas day this year. Especially as i have had a change in career this year which means I am now working most of christmas and only have christmas day and boxing day off.

I have tried to suggest compromises and even suggested we go to his mums for breakfast on christmas day (to which the response was 'my family don't have breakfast') and then us spend the rest of the day together at our house but he hasn't seemed willing to take on any compromise. I've also suggested family members could pop round to our house sometime over christmas for food and he said that no-one would come. So i feel that if no-one can be bothered making the effort to come to us why should we always go to them?

Any suggestions of what we could do? I feel that i've tried to make suggestions to compromise which he's just not buying into at all! Am i being really selfish in wanting to spend christmas day just us two? I'm not sure what to do as we seem to want opposite things this year. I think part (or all) of the problem is that his mother is very controlling/demanding and he knows she will kick off a storm if he doesn't go round on christmas day...

My best friend is also on her own this christmas day so i would have liked to ask her to come round for dinner but i don't know if i'm being unreasonable suggesting that!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/11/2018 13:39

You can’t push for Christmas alone then invite someone else!

How about he goes to him mums mid afternoon and your friend comes around for a few hours while he is out?

UnderTheSleepingBaby · 28/11/2018 13:44

I agree, either he goes to his family and you spend the day with your friend or he goes to his family and you go to your family. Save Xmas stress for when/if children are in the mix and everybody wants to see them.

Personally I'd hate Xmas at home with just my partner, it would be like any other weekend, so I can where your partner is coming from.

Original poster
Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 13:45

I understand that, i just feel bad that she would be alone on christmas day.
I have suggested he goes round for awhile but he wants us to be together so it's like it's either we go together or neither at all!

OP posts:
poglets · 28/11/2018 13:46

Set your stall out now. I think if you are already spending Xmas eve at his parents and he isn't willing to compromise then you should wave him off to his family with pleasure and spend the day doing what you want. Sadly you wouldn't be with your OH but it may make him see that you have boundaries and aren't a walkover.

Original poster
Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 13:47

neither of us want to spend the day separately. We are a family also

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 28/11/2018 13:50

It sounds like your DP wants it his way or his way?

YANBU. I hope you find a solution.

Original poster
Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 13:50

thanks poglets. I do feel like doing that at the moment!

OP posts:
Snowwontbelong · 28/11/2018 13:52

Crossing fingers you haven't got a mortgage with Mr Wantshisownway....

loubluee · 28/11/2018 13:53

Take your friend to his mums for a few hours, leave dp there, and you both come home for drinks/nibbles etc together.

CantWaitToRetire · 28/11/2018 13:55

Why does your fiance get to make all the decisions? It's unreasonable to ask you to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his family every year, especially if they eat late. If he's like this now, what will it be like when you're married and have children? Will he then be willing to start your own traditions at home as a family unit, or take turns spending Christmas at his parents one year and yours the next? You need to sort these things out now, before marriage and children complicate things. You also need to stand up for yourself and be treated as an equal.

Wolfiefan · 28/11/2018 13:55

And if you have kids?
When you grow up it’s time to make your own traditions. He doesn’t want to spend the day just with you? But you’re family?
I’d tell him to go and have my friend round.
Does he dictate like this for the rest of the year?

Jimjamjong · 28/11/2018 13:56

if he wants to see his family he can enjoy seeing them without you, or is it a case that he wants to bring you to appease his mother?
You can spend some of the day together and he goes for some to his family (like dinner if that is important for them).

PumpkinKitty82 · 28/11/2018 13:59

I used to go to my mums then I’d meet him at his mums for the evening . It worked well.
We’re now married so I spend Christmas Day with his family and Boxing Day with mine and then we switch the next year .
It wouldn’t feel like Christmas if we just stayed at home on our own but that’s just us

sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/11/2018 14:00

If they eat late cant you spend the morning early afternoon at home then go there. You are both going to have to make compromises. Its not a question of saying do your own thing. As a partnership its about give and take not one doing all the giving and one all the taking

Original poster
Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 14:01

I feel it's unreasonable too and it's good to see others agree so it's not just me!
This is actually the first issue he's been unwilling to compromise on, hence why i've been taken aback by it and unsure what to do. As I said, i think the mother in law plays a big part in it but he needs to cut the cord and set her straight in my opinion... but that's another issue for another day!
In regards to kids he says we won't go round to others houses when we have kids it'll just be us lot at home. But I feel like we shouldn't need the 'excuse' of having kids not to go round, we should just be able to do whatever anyway

OP posts:
Plasticgiraffe · 28/11/2018 14:01

Can you alternate each year? One year his choice presumably seeing his parents and your choice the following year presumably staying at home? That's what DH and I do. I prefer to go and see my parents as they live a few hours away and DH prefers to stay at home

peachypetite · 28/11/2018 14:01

Why can't you host for a change? Then everyone comes to you.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 28/11/2018 14:02

Would he go for quiet christmas morning perhaps with your friend too, then he goes off to see his family and you stay put with your friend?

HellenaHandbasket · 28/11/2018 14:03

How far away do they live?

BishBoshBashBop · 28/11/2018 14:04

It sounds like your DP wants it his way or his way?

So does OP tbf. You can't make a big thing about wanting Christmas just the two of you then invite a friend over.

SummerInSun · 28/11/2018 14:04

If they do Christmas dinner really late, then why not spend most of the day at home together as you want, and then go to his family in the late afternoon or early evening, say at 4 or 5pm? I expect by that point the novelty of sitting around at home by yourselves will have worn off and you will have cabin fever anyway. Also, have the lazy day just the two of you that you want on Boxing Day.

I’m probably being influenced by the fact I come from a big family where Christmas is all about being together, and what you want sounds to me like it would be lovely for two hours and then miserable and anticlimactic. But I think you are being unreasonable in trying to deny him the family Christmas that he wants completely.

Amaried · 28/11/2018 14:05

I can totally seem where he is coming from, as Christmas Day with just my partner would feel all kind of wrong to me, We're used to big extended family and rotate it between my family and DH's.
I would hate a xmas that you are suggesting so can see why he wouldn't be up for that. That's us though so can see that everyone is different, I think I'd let him off to his family for a few hours while your friend pops round to yours.

Thingsthatgo · 28/11/2018 14:06

I think it’s completely reasonable that he wants to go, you need to decide whether or not you’d like to go with him. If he is unhappy about with your decision, that’s his problem. If you’d rather go, than be without him, that’s your decision.

Original poster
Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 14:08

i'm not trying to deny him the christmas he wants as i've tried to suggest we spend half the day at his family and have been shot down. We're also still seeing his family christmas eve and i don't see mine at all.
I am aware that i am asking for what i want too selfishly so it is difficult to come to a compromise that makes us both happy

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 28/11/2018 14:09

A compromises is meeting somewhere in the middle not one person giving in.