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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas compromise with families?

36 replies

Lovelysummer18 · 28/11/2018 13:37

Christmas last year me and my fiance spent half the day and my parents and half at his, which obviously meant a lot of travelling around for us and not much time relaxing. His family also have christmas dinner really late so the day doesn't finish until gone midnight.

This year after a stressful year i would love to spend christmas day just the two of us in our new home. My OH is adament he does not want to do this and is unwilling to compromise at the moment as he wants to see 'his' family on christmas day. We are already spending christmas eve with his family at their annual christmas eve party at their home so he will still see them over the christmas period, i just wanted a relaxing christmas day this year. Especially as i have had a change in career this year which means I am now working most of christmas and only have christmas day and boxing day off.

I have tried to suggest compromises and even suggested we go to his mums for breakfast on christmas day (to which the response was 'my family don't have breakfast') and then us spend the rest of the day together at our house but he hasn't seemed willing to take on any compromise. I've also suggested family members could pop round to our house sometime over christmas for food and he said that no-one would come. So i feel that if no-one can be bothered making the effort to come to us why should we always go to them?

Any suggestions of what we could do? I feel that i've tried to make suggestions to compromise which he's just not buying into at all! Am i being really selfish in wanting to spend christmas day just us two? I'm not sure what to do as we seem to want opposite things this year. I think part (or all) of the problem is that his mother is very controlling/demanding and he knows she will kick off a storm if he doesn't go round on christmas day...

My best friend is also on her own this christmas day so i would have liked to ask her to come round for dinner but i don't know if i'm being unreasonable suggesting that!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

OP posts:

Butterymuffin · 28/11/2018 14:10

I'd say to him that you want to see his family, your family, and have some time together just you two at home, over Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Ask him how he sees it all working. If he is imagining whole days spent at his mum's, with a half hour call at your parents or something, you can point out the disparity.

You could also suggest that as you had Christmas dinner with his parents last year, it's your parents' turn this year.

Finally, how about suggesting you do either the Christmas Eve party at his parents, or Christmas Day dinner, but not both, and have one of those as a special meal together on your own?

newyorkartist · 28/11/2018 14:31

I think part (or all) of the problem is that his mother is very controlling/demanding and he knows she will kick off a storm if he doesn't go round on christmas day...

You're engaged, not married? No kids yet? Run, OP. MN is full of posts by distraught DILs wondering how they ended up married to a doormat who won't ever say no to his mummy. Is this the future you want?

In regards to kids he says we won't go round to others houses when we have kids it'll just be us lot at home.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Missingstreetlife · 28/11/2018 14:33

Set up a rota now, your parents, his and none. His parents had last year so your parents or none this year and 3rd option next year. Not saying don't see them but they have to fit in and share.
If he doesn't agree have your friend round, or take her to your mum.

Tinkobell · 28/11/2018 14:34

I am scratching my head wondering why on earth you think it's somehow harder to go to other people's homes and essentially be wined and dined as opposed to hosting even drop ins and nibbles etc at your own place?! Trust me OP, hosting is knackering - washing all the bloody glasses, having every type of drink in the house, ensuring people have somewhere to sit...it's a right old fag. Enjoy being hosted for as long as you can possibly get away with it....that's what I say!

MiaTancred · 28/11/2018 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/11/2018 14:38

"DP. My ultimate wish is to have Christmas in our own home without travelling anywhere on the day. I realise this is not what you want but my wishes are as valid as yours. I realise I will have to compromise somewhere, but seeing as you've pooh-poohed all my suggestions so far, what would you suggest that will satisfy both of us?"

Put the ball in his court.

Standinguptononsense · 28/11/2018 14:38

My ex husband enforced christmas eve at his parents as it was his families tradition. I grew to resent it as we could never to anything else. Just became an argument every year. Youre not being unreasonable. Ask him what his compromise is.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 28/11/2018 14:40

Before DH and I married, we would both go to my parents in the morning, then I stayed and he went to his family for food so spent most of the day with our own families and then I would meet him at his parents in the evening. After we married we decided to alternate, my family one year and his family the other. Now we have DC it's not changed, though we always spend Christmas eve, just us and the DC.

It sounds to me that spending part of the day with his family is a good compromise, and now he needs to compromise too. It's not fair to be so one sided.

user139328237 · 28/11/2018 14:40

Surely the sensible compromise is to go in the evening. It's not much of a compromise to suggest going for a couple of hours at a point in the day when nothing is going on.

oldwhyno · 28/11/2018 14:55

Christmas is for family. There are plenty of other days in the year for having a relaxing day to yourselves. Like Boxing Day.

Whether or not you should be with his family or your family is a whole other question.

Is the issue with your mother-in-law? Are you using this as a power play with her?

Graphista · 28/11/2018 15:13

Honestly? You're not married, no kids, you're ALREADY the one that has to give in (that is NOT compromise) re HIS family's way of doing things.

I'd be using this situation as a test - of him!

He HAS to compromise somehow and it sounds like he won't even compromise on HALF a day?!

That's unacceptable. I also don't believe that UNLESS you figure this out BEFORE kids there's absolutely no way you can trust it will change AFTER kids - instead it will be "you're depriving my mum of seeing HER grandkids on CHRISTMAS DAY how can you be so CRUEL" (but it'll be fine if your parents miss out)

Seriously - go and read some of the mil (mother in law) threads and you'll see what we mean!

All those pps "I can see how HE feels" what about how op feels? Not everyone gets or does the big family thing and especially if you're working a job you only get 2 days off at Christmas you need some down time!

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