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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not feeling immediate connection to bf's children

33 replies

Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 20:59

My new bf has 3 children and although I enjoy spending time with them I feel like I'm not ready for the responsibility. AIBU if I ask my bf to give me time to adjust?

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 27/11/2018 21:01

How long have you been with him ?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2018 21:01

Course not. It takes time!

How long have you been together and how long ago did you meet them?

What do you mean by responsibility? What’s he expecting of you?

lunar1 · 27/11/2018 21:03

Responsibly of what?

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:08

Been together about 6 months. He isn't expecting anything of me. It's just a big change for me having children in my life. Although I always imagined myself wanting children at some point, it's all new, scary and very sudden.

I want to love them and build that connection which I feel is a good start.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 27/11/2018 21:12

How much time is he expecting you to spend with them ?

Ellisandra · 27/11/2018 21:16

How long ago did you meet them, and how much time is he suggesting that you spend with them now?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2018 21:16

It takes time to grow to love anyone OP. Feeling affection for them as they’re part of your boyfriend is one thing but it takes time to feel a connection of your own and it’s very vey early days.

Approximately how old are they? The younger they are the easier I think it is. Their needs are simpler. His long your bf and his ex have been apart is another factor. If they’re used to dad being on his own for a while it’s different to if the split was more recent, or if he’s had other recent relationships and they’ve bonded with another of his partners before.

Take your time. Going from no children to 3 is a massive shock and whatever the past, they’lk be getting used to you as well.

Make sure he has plenty of time with them on his own. Don’t over extend yourself and risk having to be super fun or overly involved if it’s not sustainable long term. Take your lead from your bf and the children. Try to meet them on their level. Even if you have friends or family who have children the same age it’s a different ballgame when they’re your bf’s children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2018 21:18

Excuse the many typos!

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:20

"expecting" probably isn't the right word. He invites me to do things with them but has responded well when I have shown signs it's too much.
I have met them a handful of times.
I am the one putting the pressure on myself, my bf is quite laid back about things. But I can't help feeling that if im not this perfect mom straight away I'll ruin the relationship.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/11/2018 21:26

Do they have a mum? If so, they don’t need a new one! Honestly, you’re putting waaaaay too much pressure on yourself and if you’re both/all comfortable with how things are going you’re doing fine Smile

I do completely get it but you haven’t been together that long. It’s great the initial meetings have gone well. You’re still getting to know each other and finding connections with his children is a lovely part of it but don’t let it take over from your relationship growing.

If they have a mum they have two parents and you’ll grow to be a lovely bonus adult in their lives. If they don’t have a mum, they’re used to just having a dad and you’ll, again, still be an extra person who cares for them, not a replacement mum.

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:31

Thanks AnneLovesGilbert, they are 3 and 5. As you say, I think being younger helps. I am the first gf they have been introduced too which again feels positive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:32

And 9 🙈

OP posts:
CathyTre · 27/11/2018 21:34

My fiancé is a widower so my step children don’t have a mum. They had a fab one though, by all accounts. I don’t find it that hard t be a mum figure whilst not their mum. Why is it so hard to be a rational caring adult for the kids people get involved with?

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:35

Yes they have a mom ☺️

OP posts:
NC4Now · 27/11/2018 21:36

You aren’t their mum, you are their dad’s girlfriend, so just make a decent job of that. Treat him well, take care of yourself, and be kind and respectful of their time together.
It’s a long road between here and step mum, so just take it slowly, and see how it plays out.

CathyTre · 27/11/2018 21:37

What I mean is, my children’s step mother finds it hard to the point of tears with my kids as she’s so jealous of their time with their dad who has them every other weekend. My step kids are here all the time as their mum is, you know, dead, so can’t help a lot. What’s the problem if you know the person you’re involved with has children?

Original poster
Kellybath82 · 27/11/2018 21:41

There's no problem and every situation is different.
I am feeling like feelings are not how they should be, wanting to take things slowly, and was looking for some advice

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 27/11/2018 21:45

Just take your time and don’t overthink it, just enjoy their company kids that age are usually quite accommodating at least your not having to deal with hormonal teenagers ! Don’t feel you have to have an amazing connection with them straight away that’s just not feasible. Sounds like your going great !

CathyTre · 27/11/2018 21:49

My step children are bereaved: they have their own issues. But it doesn’t stop me be being an involved sort of parent to them- I think from my experience of my own children’s step mother? She over complicates it. She should just be another loving adult to them. Not a mum. I’m not my step children’s mum. But I love them.

M4J4 · 27/11/2018 21:50

6 months is very soon to be spending time with his dc, no wonder you feel overwhelmed.

Tell him it's early days.

Tistheseason17 · 27/11/2018 21:52

It's still early days at 6 months together. You are right to be positive but cautious- but do relax and have fun as they'll love it.

Everything will come in time

sirmione16 · 27/11/2018 21:55

Also - 3 children is a lot to "get used to" !! One can be easier as you focus on building a relationship with them individually. Threes a handful!

Don't worry or stress about your bond or relationship with them, focus on the time you're with them and the activity you're doing. Set them up with a piece of huge paper and pens and sit round with them, lots of praise and silliness. Don't take it too seriously, and the bond will come if it's meant to.

Equally, do take time for you and your partner alone - you're still new as a couple and should be getting used to this first and foremost! Don't feel under any pressure to impress him with them either x

CathyTre · 27/11/2018 21:55

And I’m not unsympathetic. My step daughter is fifteen. She’s hard work sometimes. Sometimes she’s lovely and fabulous too. It’s hard to love her sometimes when she’s being really annoying! But I DO love her. And she loves me, mostly. But I’m still not her mum - and not trying to be.

CathyTre · 27/11/2018 21:59

My step children had a fab mum, and their dad had a great wife. Now there is something to throw into this boat where all ex wives are hideous😆

Ellisandra · 27/11/2018 21:59

Why are you feeling like it’s a “responsibility”?

My second husband has known my 10yo for 4 years now. He has absolutely no responsibility for her at all.

You’re not their mother, you don’t need to be a parental figure in any way. More like an aunt.

Anything coming close to responsibility, lies with their father.

How long has he been split up from their mother for?