"Career" vs Life

[HashtagTeamRaven]

(Please be gentle, I'm feeling really anxious about this)

More a WWYD than AIBU...

I'm am lucky enough to have a very good, very well paid job as a Governess/Nanny.
For the most part I enjoy it, though its a role I fell into more than pursued so other than the pay, it's not something I feel strongly about.
I now work for a very decent family and the job will last for many years, something which is incredibly rare for the industry.

The big issue with my job is that it requires me to live alone, in a foreign country that is not easy for foreigners - there is zero entertainment, absolutely no one speaks English meaning that I can do nothing on my time off, beyond being in my flat. I won't go into details, but this is unfixable - I will not be able to build a social life here, not because I don't want to, but because there is no way of doing it!

My OH lives in the UK and the long term plan is for me to build up savings and then move back to him and my family.

He's recently visited and his absence has really highlighted how difficult I find living like this (despite liking my job).

At present I only have about £5k in savings (having had to pay off an exs debt - long story) but my salary means that I am able to put £1k a week away.

OH has a standard office job but has saved hard and paid off his mortgage, meaning he has £200k to his name.

I've always been fiercely independent and sort of feel like I'd like to come back to the UK being able to "match" his finances in the relationship - ie. also have £200k to my name. (Note: he has said this is absolutely not necessary)

We are both 27, we are based in the North.

Once I've left this job, I will not take another Governess role, even in the UK, as they are basically impossible to find a decent one - so would be either back at rung 1 career wise, or continuing with my small online business (which probably pays about the £18k mark).

I'd honestly really value some objective viewpoints on this; what would you lovely Mumsnetters do in this situation? Am I being greedy by staying in this job to the detriment of my "social" life? Or on the other hand, would it be foolish to give up such a fantastic opportunity to set myself up financially, and I should hang on for 5 years (for eg)?

On a side note, I'm not very social and am content with my OH and a few close friends I'm not "missing out on my 20s" as some people would feel.

I've posted about this in a similar way before, but as I say, the situation has come to a head somewhat.

Please don't bash me, I'm aware that I'm amazingly privileged to be in such a position I'm fully conscious of posting about such a "1st world problem". I don't have too many people to talk to about this IRL, what with living in a place where only I speak English.

Well done if you've made it through the essay!

Personally, I would set myself an end date. A year, tops.
I couldn't live like that (I probably wouldn't last a year, tbh), but £1K a week is a LOT of money.
In NE England that would be a decent deposit to put down to buy a house, or give you a platform of savings / security to act as a back up or to 'top up' your income for a year or two whilst you establish yourself back home.

If this really is a true partnership with your OH, then there comes a point when you don't need to be measuring that you bring an 'equal amount' into the relationship. I do understand the whole standing on your own feet thinking, but it doesn't make sense to deprive yourself of your relationship because of your pride.

I certainly woldn't stay there, as a hermit for 5 years. Not even for a LOT more money than that. Life is for living, IMO.

Going against the grain here....l would give it two years, despite the difficulties....it will be near impossible to save that amount, unless you have a fantastic career to go back to, l would then secure that money as a safety net......

But l spent much of my twenties working 70-80 hours a week, and living a substistance lifestyle to buy my first flat/get a business off the ground and buy an investment flat alone.

I have never regretted my decision, as l have been able to live the life l want since, including taking 6 months off to travel the world whilst still having a home and business to return to, and knowing l will never be a wage slave......l have had huge amount of choice from 30 onwards, as a result of the sacrifices l made in my 20s.......not least being able to work very little whilst my dcs were small with no pressure........
As you are able to cope with few friends can you find enjoyable solitary hobbies, painting/learn a language etc or study for when you give this job up to facilitate a job on your return via online courses.......
I would see it as a chance to build my future...

Thank you both.
I know that if I left too soon, I'd look back with a load of what ifs and I'm trying to keep that in mind

I know you want to match your DPs 200k, but do you really need to? A safety net is always a good idea, so even if you only stayed for another 6 months that'd allow you to leave with 51k, would that be enough? Are you going to be moving into your DPs house when you return, buying somewhere together, or buying your own place? What are house prices like?

Also are there any online courses you could do while you're there to help you find a job in a different field when you move back?

Also how often can you visit home?

Slightly contrary - life is about more than work and money.

Sounds like working for abroad for a year will give you a good financial cushion and not be too much of a sacrifice.

I'm 40s several colleagues/ aquintances have had life altering diagnoses in 2018. No one ever dies wishing they had spent more time at work. FRiends and family are important.

Agree with pps about setting an end date, preferably one with some symbolic meaning to you, eg. 29th birthday.

Mind you, I'm not very social and can happily spend most of my downtime alone with a book without feeling that I'm missing out on Life.

You’re young, you like the job, the employers are good and £1k a week is an insane level of saving! I would grin and bear it for a year or two.

Is there really absolutely nothing you can do in your spare time? No language classes, gym, exercise classes? Are you somewhere very remote?

I would maybe consider a distance learning course if I had free time and nothing else to do - it would come in useful when you return back to the UK and want to start a new career.

This is a tricky one. If it were me I'd be tempted to give it 18months and have a plan for afterwards. You'd earn enough for a great house deposit that could otherwise take a decade to earn in the UK.

In the meantime I'd focus on doing the best job that you can right now. Immerse yourself in work. Travel home at all given opportunities.

I'd also think about my future career and in the evening perhaps do an Open University (or similar) course so you have a qualification in another field.

It's interesting you say there are no good jobs in the UK. I would have thought there were loads of rich foreigners in London who'd love an English governess!

Have you posted about this before? I remember reading a practically identical post a few months ago...

I'm not too social so I don't mind the isolation: I draw, do yoga, read a lot, am trying to learn the local language, knit and have a bike I ride around - I'm sure most (introverted) people would think it a dream, but the reality is very isolating, and I am bordering on antisocial at the best of times.

I have a few bits I can get back to in the UK, but I'd never make the same money (and have no interest in a career that does so) so The Fear comes from feeling like this is my only chance to get the money.

Then I just feel like the biggest wanker for having such a ridiculously 1st world problem.

That's amazing money! Could you do it for the next two years and in your spare time study online so you are prepared for another career when you come back to the UK?

Bit of an intrusive question OP but are you planning on having kids? Just because if you are, you might want some time in the UK to buy a house, settle in, think about alternative careers, actually live with your other half and enjoy being a couple beforehand, so that might impact on you wanting to come back a bit sooner.

What does your partner think? Is he prepared to be long distance for the next 5 years? I don’t know a lot of people that would be happy with that

A nanny job that pays enough for you to save £48k per year!!! I agree you would be mad to give that up at this stage - it could set you up for years if you can stick it out for a bit. You don’t need to get all the way to £200k, but I would give it another 2/3 years if you can bear it.

My personal opinion is that I would leave. I couldn't be happy with that life and life believe me is too short.
There are other jobs back home. Come home to your family and friends and OH.

Also money helps of course but it isn't everything and you can't take it with you when you die.

One thing that struck me when you mentioned a lack of social life - would you consider studying for an online qualification in something that would provide you with options when you return?

I agree with PP I would set a fixed time, 2 years would allow you get a qualification and a LOT of savings.

If you are getting married to this guy, it doesn't matter how much money you save up. You don't need a dowery in this day and age! You are an equal partnership irrespective of what you bring to the table. However, If you are still working out if he is the one for you and if he is still not committed / decided, then you should carry on saving for yourself as you don't want to move back only to discover he doesn't see the relationship the same way.

Sorry about this but I'm going to start with a little rant. I get a bit annoyed at people who talk about "first world problems" as if people in the developing world don't have exactly the same problems with family, friends and wanting the latest phone/clothes.

And in your case your problem is not really a first world problem, you have the same problem that lots of people from the developing world have - stay away by yourself and earn, or go come to much less money and be less able to support yourself in the future.

But you do have a real problem and a real dilemma, don't dismiss it as a first world one. There isn't really a solution though - you do it until the positives (money, security) outweigh the negatives (lack of family life - strain on relationships). Just be kind to yourself.

I would absolutely stick it out as the financial independence will be crucial when you move back to the UK.

In the meantime, I would find online courses or classes to do in the meantime that allow some semblance of social activity or a learning and growth opportunity. That way you can still feel connected in your own way.

I would without a doubt squirrel away all least 100K and research and learn ways to make that money work for me.

I would stick with it to build up some capital
But probably not indefinitely. I’d set an exit date.

The reality is money young can really facilitate life in the future and imo 30s were better than my 20s

Agree with others you could maybe look at using the time to get extra skills/qualifications/training or pursue an interest it might make the time go quicker

Given to me that you have posted about this before, this suggests to me that you aren't happy with your current situation and I think you should listen to that inner voice and do what will make you happy and what you want rather than doing what you think you 'ought' to do.

I started out financially "unequal" to my now DH (he's 5yrs older and had a head start) but we also knew that my career path was going to be higher paying than his within about 8-10years, provided I finished jumping all the hoops, which involved living separately for months-year at a time during various stretches throughout my mid 20s/early 30s.

In my 20s, my dad was very insistent that I get to a point of financial equivalence in a partnership and I am glad I listened to him (although it did sound weird at the time - like he was telling me to choose money over love, which he wasn't but that's how my starry eyed 20yo brain saw it).

Things to consider:

1. How far away (door to door) is DP?
2. How often can you see each other? And do you actually see each other that often? If not, what are the barriers?
3. How long have you been together and have you actually lived together under one roof for months at a time (I.e not just holiday conditions) while you've been a couple?
4. Are you living in a country where women are free to move around without male accompaniment / have no social restrictions? (This is important for you psychologically)
5. Agree w other posters - can you and would you do an online tertiary course while you're overseas, so you can set yourself up better for when you return? ... this may allow you to reduce 5 years to 2-3.
6. What is your DP like? What are your thoughts on children in the future? Have you talked to him about it? What sort of parent do you think he might be?

We had our DS1 towards the end of the "hoop time" in my case, when our stretches of separation became more predictable and reasonable. After having DS my job prospects where my DP works (fixed location) suddenly dwindled and THAT was depressing as we were banking on that. Luckily things picked up and I was able to come back to the same place as DP and settle. Irony has it is i am very happy w my career, job, etcetc, whereas d/t sector changes DP is increasingly unhappy in his. There is no way we could have been ok financially if his career demise comes to pass and i hadn't sorted out mine. The feeling of security financially, esp now w responsibility of DC and a mortgage, is unparalleled. I see what my DF meant now.

I personally think life is too short and I think it sounds a miserable lifestyle tbh, I'd rather go home and work in any job to save up some cash, just feels like you're wasting your life away? I suppose if you really enjoy the job, but to just be on your own outside of that? I would probably do 6 months more max.

I agree with setting an end date, maybe one or two years then go home and do you working from home job. What's up with £18,000 for that job, that's fine isn't it?

How often can you see you partner. That must be so difficult to be apart so much.