"Career" vs Life

[HashtagTeamRaven]

(Please be gentle, I'm feeling really anxious about this)

More a WWYD than AIBU...

I'm am lucky enough to have a very good, very well paid job as a Governess/Nanny.
For the most part I enjoy it, though its a role I fell into more than pursued so other than the pay, it's not something I feel strongly about.
I now work for a very decent family and the job will last for many years, something which is incredibly rare for the industry.

The big issue with my job is that it requires me to live alone, in a foreign country that is not easy for foreigners - there is zero entertainment, absolutely no one speaks English meaning that I can do nothing on my time off, beyond being in my flat. I won't go into details, but this is unfixable - I will not be able to build a social life here, not because I don't want to, but because there is no way of doing it!

My OH lives in the UK and the long term plan is for me to build up savings and then move back to him and my family.

He's recently visited and his absence has really highlighted how difficult I find living like this (despite liking my job).

At present I only have about £5k in savings (having had to pay off an exs debt - long story) but my salary means that I am able to put £1k a week away.

OH has a standard office job but has saved hard and paid off his mortgage, meaning he has £200k to his name.

I've always been fiercely independent and sort of feel like I'd like to come back to the UK being able to "match" his finances in the relationship - ie. also have £200k to my name. (Note: he has said this is absolutely not necessary)

We are both 27, we are based in the North.

Once I've left this job, I will not take another Governess role, even in the UK, as they are basically impossible to find a decent one - so would be either back at rung 1 career wise, or continuing with my small online business (which probably pays about the £18k mark).

I'd honestly really value some objective viewpoints on this; what would you lovely Mumsnetters do in this situation? Am I being greedy by staying in this job to the detriment of my "social" life? Or on the other hand, would it be foolish to give up such a fantastic opportunity to set myself up financially, and I should hang on for 5 years (for eg)?

On a side note, I'm not very social and am content with my OH and a few close friends I'm not "missing out on my 20s" as some people would feel.

I've posted about this in a similar way before, but as I say, the situation has come to a head somewhat.

Please don't bash me, I'm aware that I'm amazingly privileged to be in such a position I'm fully conscious of posting about such a "1st world problem". I don't have too many people to talk to about this IRL, what with living in a place where only I speak English.

Well done if you've made it through the essay!

I think five too years is far too long to live like this. Would the relationship even survive that degree of separation. I would do max 18 months, it would still be a nice sum for someone in their late twenties.

And you absolutely do not need to bring equal cash pots to a relationship. I contibuted £250k and my DH zero. It matters nothing.

to answer a few questions, DP and I are (hopefully) going to get married, we lived together for a couple of months before I moved away so we at least have a bit of experience of being a normal couple.

He can visit (in fact he's visiting right now) but can stay a maximum of 30 days at a time, and no more than 3 times a year - its a fair old trek (2 flights, 7 hours ish) for him to come here, and my boss has to sign off his visa thingy whilst he's here which is awkward and I don't want to keep putting them out.

I haven't been home since starting the job, but would say I'd get to spend about 4-5 weeks a year in the UK.

The country I live in is safe, no weird rules regarding women (I used to live in Saudi and that was a whole other thing) but we are very rural and there is just nothing to do, and no one speaks English at all.

If I had any idea what i'd like to do when I grow up then I'd start training in that, but I honestly haven't a clue. I have my little online business that I design for in my spare time, but other than that I can't think of any specific job I want to do.

Do you have a degree already OP? Or if you are a governess do you already have a PGCE or are you a qualified teacher?

There are always teaching jobs around in the UK.

I wouldn’t worry about matching your DP - you can both protect what you put into a house (or get married and not have it matter).

If I were you I would work out what I DID want to do. Try and figure that out then work backwards. Your online business would support you if you wanted to retrain for a couple of years.
If I were you I would

• work for a year and save £50k
• use the time to set up a training course / make a decision about what I do want to do (courses usually start in about Sept)
• set aside money for any course/keep online business going meantime
• buy house with remainder of money
• marry lovely partner

OP, why do you need to do something other than your online business. And if necessary could that be expanded. What about childminding or tutoring when you return home.

I would personally do another year or two and save as much as possible, as I think it’s crucial to be financially independent whether you’re married or not. You’ll be able to save loads in that time, and it’ll also take the pressure off when you move back if you don’t get straight back into work or want to retrain. Having said that, I agree with setting an end date as it doesn’t sound like it’s an enjoyable long-term existence

OP, I’m also living and working overseas (but with DH) albeit it in a very pleasant place, because I’m in my early 50s and despite having worked since leaving uni, our pensions are shit.

I’m happy enough here (I’m writing this from my sunny balcony) but I’d rather be somewhere else. But we can save an obscene amount of money each month here so we’re doing it for two years.

In your position, I’d fix an end date of a year and save till then. You’ll then have a cushion of 52k which would keep you going for a while should anything happen.

Agree with a previous poster that I would suggest staying another 18 months to build up funds but also studying towards a career to pursue when you return to the UK (perhaps related to your online business or to the local language you are learning)?

Are your employers ex-pats? Is there a chance they will be posted somewhere else in two years and you move with them?

My biggest concern re staying out there too long is whether you think your relationship can handle you and your OH being apart for so long.

Agree with pp's about setting a maximum time limit to staying. One question though will you be bringing your savings back into the UK or are they already here? Have you checked the tax laws on bringing your savings in the UK / tax laws in the country you will be leaving? Ie the bigger the pot, the possibly bigger tax bill. Just a thought.

Have a look at the Mr Money Mustache financial blog, he retired at 30/31. If you can sock away enough money to buy your financial independence then you'll have so many more options! The "first retire, then have kids" article was quite thought-provoking. I wish I'd saved more in my 20s, I'd have more choice now.

Unless you are miserable I would stay a bit and build up your financial cushion. You are only 27 and jobs which allow you to save that sort of money are hard to come by. It could set you up for life. Worth giving some serious though to using your spare time to set you up for when you return.

I think yours it's a really interesting thread.

To begin with, you are very young! Also taking into consideration the fact that you said that you don't mind being alone and have hobbies such as yoga I would be tempted to say stay.

However, how's your relationship with OH? Do you deal well with a long distance relationship? I understand you see each other quite often.

If I were you I would be very tempted to stay another 2 years, try to save a bit more than £1k/week (which is amazing money!) and meanwhile try to think about career/training/investment options. Especially when it comes to investment I believe it's important to invest in something that generates income without too much/any effort.

Best of luck, OP!

I don’t think your role sounds like a “career”, unless perhaps you want to become a day nanny (which will only really work in wealthy cities and if you don’t have DC) or teacher and think it’d be better to look to return in the near future. And work towards something else for a job.

Very, very few people have £200k, no matter how much they’ve saved! Your boyfriend’s financial position is unusual. But presumably he can afford for you to live there for below markey rate rent, so if you did your business and/or worked you could still save for yourself.

Agentprovocateur do you mind me asking what do you do?!!!!
I’m so curious 🧐
All I can think of is house sitting or house keeping for people who are crazy rich because I have a poor imagination