MIL and DS - what to do?

[Leavingsoon]

I am in the process of leaving my DH, but we’re still living together, the problem is not with him but his mother. I’ve never got on with his family, they’re the sort of family that cannot spend an hour with you without talking behind your back. So I’ve distanced myself from them over the years, I had a big row with MIL couple months ago and now I don’t really talk to her other than hi/bye. She comes round a lot 3-4 times a week, and lives close to us.

When she comes round, I say a quick hello and go about my business or go to my bedroom. I just let her come, drink her tea and give her sweets out, I don’t spend time with them in the living room.

Anyway couple days ago she came round unannounced, DH wasn’t home. The DCs saw her car outside and said “nanny’s here!”, so DS6 went and opened the door, I was in the kitchen. When he opened the door he said “daddy’s not here, go away!”, I opened the door again and said hi, she just looked at me and walked away. I’m assuming she was upset by DS reaction.

She then came back with DH, and told DS off. She came round the next day because she needed her car fixed, and DH went with her to the garage. When DS saw her pulling up outside our house he said “ugh nanny again”. I never speak bad about her to my children, I keep it all to myself. But I’m scared they’re gonna think I’m turning my children against his family or something like that.

The thing is DS is always happy when she’s here, but he will sometimes react like that or ask me “ why is nanny always here?” . I’m starting to think he can sense the tension between me and MIL, and know I don’t get on with her.

DS is 6, and not exactly a baby, he’s starting to realise she’s always here, never gives them a chance to miss her and never invites us round. These things used to bother me, but I don’t care anymore because I’m leaving. I’m just scared his family will accuse me of turning the children against them, it’s a toxic family and the DCs will notice as they get older. What should I do in case they accuse me of this?

I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do. I'd speak to DS and explain that he was being rather rude, that Nanny is DF's DM and he wants her to be welcome in his house and that everybody needs to respect that.

Do you know how long you and the DC will be living under the same roof at STBXH? Focus on that and the fact that from then on DC will only see Nanny in STBX's time.

It's the sort of family that will judge, criticise, backbite/ slander you, they fall out with each other a lot, then make up, then fall out again. God, the relief I felt when I made the decision to leave was immense!

@Windgate thanks for replying, I'm moving out after Christmas, so not long.

Where do you think your sons rude attitude has come from?

He probably is picking up that you don't like her, if you disappear everytime she shows up. Only a few weeks left, I agree with PP just have a chat with him about being rude etc. I'd also want to know what was being said about you in front of him, of STBXH and MIL tend to bitch/gossip

MIL DEFENDER KLAXON

It's come from the fact that she is always at their bloody house. It's explained clearly in the OP. In your haste to assume it's the DILs fault you must have missed that.

When my late MIL was due to visit the girls used to say Stand by your beds for inspection!, that was definitely from me, she used to check their bedrooms for tidiness.

I have no idea where he got his attitude from, I've never said a bad word about her to him.

@MrsStrowman that's interesting, never thought of it like that. MIL and DH do take the DCs out on their own, so she might be talking about me to her son and this is ds's way of reacting?

Could he have overheard you talking to friends? If not I think sitting him down and asking him why he is saying these things would be very interesting

Must have heard it from his dad then

He has probably picked up on the tension ie nanny comes, you disappear.

He’s six, he most likely doesn’t find it fun having a person around all the time which interrupts his routine. He’s probably heard her bitch about his mum and he’s probably been on witness to his dad and gran bitching to and about eachother if the family has a tendency of falling out with eachother.

I used to dislike having my gran over, she’d always be there and had some disgusting habits and was hyper critical.

I’m guessing he associates his grandmother with his mother going away. Nanny comes round, mum goes upstairs. That’s not your fault or his and if she’s coming around that often I don’t blame him for being fed up.

However I’d pull him up for rudeness towards her. That’s how I deal with my daughter’s disdain for her grandparents. She’s entitled to feel how she does (and I totally understand her feelings about them) but that’s doesn’t give her the right to be rude.

I think as long as you take a zero tolerance approach to bad manners generally your soon to be ex shouldn’t have much to complain about.

Could you have a brief chat with MIL to say that you were bothered by DSs response, it had been on your mind and you just want to reassure her that whatever your personal differences are, the children have never and will never hear negative things about her from you, so you don’t know quite from where his comment came?
If you could bear to have that convo, it might go a long way towards paving a harmonious situation further down the line.

Yes stop going upstairs when she comes. Things are going to change once your ex moves out. He can facilitate her visits then....and you won't need to hide.

So stop it now.

It's come from the fact that she is always at their bloody house. It's explained clearly in the OP. In your haste to assume it's the DILs fault you must have missed that

No it doesn't explain why he's so rude to his grandmother. In any way. Some grandparents visit very frequently and don't receive such animosity from their grandchildren. He has picked up that his GM isn't liked by his mother. Either from her or his father. It's not hard to work that out.

I’m guessing he associates his grandmother with his mother going away. Nanny comes round, mum goes upstairs

That might be it. My best friend minds my five-year-old dgd for us in our home a couple of times a week. She is brilliant with kids and dgd really loves her, but then about three weeks ago dgd started saying that she didn't want my friend to look after her and being really hostile. It is awkward to say the least and I know it is not some horrible failing on my friend's part. I think it is more to do with missing her mum, who is working.

He is probably picking up that your mood changes and that you go to your bedroom when she comes. So even if he loves her, he may be not happy to see her because it means his mum will dissapear to her room ect.

I would tell him not to say things like to her ect. But I would take it as evidence that her constant visits are not good for him. It might be worth getting him to give her a little present and use it as an opportunity to say that you are sorry and surprised at what he said and that you do not ever say anything negative about her. Use it as an opportunity to tell all adults on the family to keep talk of eachother positive whilst around your son

He's literally just told me she coming round to "drop something off", why he cannot pick it up from her house on his way home is beyond me. And then she stays for hours, this is what it's like all the time, this is one of the many reasons why I'm divorcing him. He doesn't respect me or my feelings, I feel like a stranger in my own home. Now I'm all anxious, because I know she's on her way.

@chocatoo I couldn't do that, there's just too much water under the bridge. She insulted me, my family, called me every name under the sun and said everything she could say to hurt me. This is not a person I could sit and have a chat with, and talk things through. I tried in the past, but what happened couple months ago was the last straw for me. I only say hi when she comes round to make things easier for myself and less awkward.

You need to stop disappearing when she visits - reclaim your house. Until you do move out, this is your space and you are letting the cheeky bitch take it over.

So your son KNOWS she's an arsehole!

No wonder he doesn't want her coming round.

Stop allowing it.

Just lock the fucking door and shout "NOt convenient at the moment!" and she'll fuck off again.

Keep doing it.

Or he is just sick and tired of seeing his nan.
My kids wouldn't want to see their n&g more than once a month let alone once a day.

If your ds said to her ‘daddy’s not here, go away’ he’s obviously picked up on the fact that she’s there to see him and not you OP.

The fact you disappear when she arrives must cement that. You’ve done nothing wrong and there’s nothing you can do. I would pick him up on being rude but that’s about all I’d do. It sounds like they’ll blame you for everything anyway, so I’d not give much thought about what they will or won’t say about you.

I would refuse to answer the door to her. Until you move out that is your home! You are not speaking so therefore she is not welcome! Your stbxh can take your dc to visit his M when he has them for contact.

Right now, your mil is controlling and manipulating the situation to make sure you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Even your six year old has picked up on this! She has no right to swan into your home and stay for hours!

Do your mil and stbxh know that you are leaving? If they do, I would go as far as suggesting your stbxh go to stay with his DM. Where he can take your dc to visit.

Why are you and your dc having to leave the family home? He should be the one to leave, so as to cause the least disruption possible to your still very little dc!