To worry that my overprotective parents have had a detrimental effect on my confidence and self esteem?

[NooNooHead]

I am just going to clarify that my parents are kind, generous, intelligent and wonderful people who have given me an adopted upbringing and childhood with opportunities that I may never have had. I am truly grateful for all that they have done, and I know that they would do anything to help me and ensure my well-being was ok.

Having said all this, they have always (my DM in particular) been overprotective - I was 3 months premature and weaned off drugs so I think that they have always considered me as their ‘helpless’ little girl. I’m now aged 37, happily married with 2 DC and I still feel that my parents are doing a lot to help me out financially etc. My DM has always been quite overbearing in some ways, and sometimes a difficult woman to please. I know she’s ultra critical of people / herself at times and I feel like she has had a detrimental effect on my self esteem, confidence, mental health and ability to be a fully functioning independent adult who can thrive in society.

I have had a good career for over a decade, and now I have been out of work for over a year (after years of health problems, my DB passing away last year, and having my DS in June), I feel really dependent on my parents again for financial support while my DS is a baby. My DH works hard and earns a good salary but it isn’t enough to make ends meet and my parents help out with money for food each month.

I do feel eternally grateful for all that they do, but at times I am resentful of my lack of independence, and how I cannot seem to cut the apron strings entirely. It is a bit pathetic to be honest, and at times I feel ashamed that I am like this.

AIBU to think a lot of overprotective parents aren’t always doing their children a favour in the long run? I’m not saying that I would have been any more confident, but I wonder whether life might have been a bit different if they hadn’t been so mollycoddling,

I am not sure what you want here

Would you rather your parents stand back and let you starve?

You decided to have a baby whilst it was not financially viable - this was your choice.

If you wanted to be independent you would have made a more financially stable choice and worked full time instead of having another child you couldn't afford...You seem very needy not even being able to afford to feed your family, and somehow you have turned this into your parents fault....

The majority of parents are doing the best they can (your sound far better than most) and while they are responsible when you are a child at some point you became an adult and then you become responsible for your own life choices and happiness.

If you and your husband have had such stellar careers for a decade why didn’t you save cash or make provisions?
You apparently chose not to do this.
why are you living on pocket money from your parents?
Again, You are choosing to do this. You can just say no
You could also: Downsize your house, cut your expenditure, generate alternative income...
but you choose to take cash from your parents and then blame them for it...🤷‍♀️

Easy - tell them to stop giving you the money, and then you won't feel so dependent will you? Your choice to take the money, and to bite the hand that is literally feeding you is a tad ungrateful.

Would you have preferred that your parents had ignored you, not given you opportunities, not been there to help you? Would you like jam on it?

I don’t quite understand what the matter is?

Sorry OP, it seems like your parents are just doing what any parents would do, they aren’t going to sit back while you can’t afford food are they?

Your husband earns a good salary yet you can't afford food? Why is this? Are you living above your means? At your age you should be supporting yourself and your family, yet you seem to be resentful that your parents are helping you. This makes no sense. If your parents are "mollycoddling" you at your age, the only one you should be upset with is yourself.

Did you spend beyond your means knowing they would bail you out? Did they encourage this? It's hard to unpick from what you've written as unless this is the case and they've somehow encouraged you into the situation you're in, then most parents would help their child pay for food for them and their family if they were struggling. I don't think this is being over protective it's just what most parents would do for their children. Especially if they have been ill

You say she is critical and hard to please - is she critical of you as well? And it's more about that?

Once your baby is a bit bigger do you think you might be well enough to go back to work?

Thanks for your replies. I’m in agreement that I should be more independent and able to stand on my own two feet, and yes - my parents are enabling this to a degree but I don’t actually HAVE to take their money. As a bit of background and context (and not dripfeeding here), I worked part time in a professional job as a freelance until last year when my contract wasn’t renewed. I have been struggling with my health for the past 3 years after a head injury and post concussion syndrome, which gave me a mental breakdown so working after this was a real struggle. I did manage to carry on working, but it has been a real slog and very difficult at times as I have a lot of cognitive symptoms that I didn’t have prior to the head injury.

Yes, I admit I can be needy and am not as independent as I should be. Yes, I do realise that my parents are not the source of my feelings, and I do feel upset with myself deep down - perhaps I find it easier to use them as the cause of my problems when it is really my own doing.

My DH is careful with his money and he works hard to support us and make our money stretch. After such a bad few years I have had health-wise etc, I have tried to contribute as much as I can financially but working as a freelance after a decade in secure paid work has been a hard adjustment. Sometimes I wonder if I am really cut out for self employment.

Being completely honest, I am crap with money and have probably always been. Maths and being financially aware aren’t my fortes but that is no-one’s responsibility but my own. Yes, I guess I do spend beyond my means and am probably spending to make myself feel better about having low self esteem, an incurable movement disorder caused by doctors who were meant to help me, the fact it makes me feel really self conscious around others because of the odd movements, and adjusting to losing my brother to cancer aged 35 last year. None of this really excuses my behaviour or spending - I guess in hindsight I would have been better to spend it on some private therapy and work through my feelings.

My DM is critical of me and has been since I was a child. I have always worked hard at school, gained a good degree, worked my way up in my career, and been the ‘sensible boring one’ out of me and my brother. I think I have always felt obligated to be so grateful and glad of their support and my upbringing which is why I’m so upset when my DM does get critical of the things she disapproves of.

I’m rambling now and will reply again in a few hours when I have had a bit more sleep.

Your parents sound lovely....swap you ...mine divorced after dv which involved me.dad disowned me at age 16. Mum was never particularly interested in me.she has seen her (my children) adult grandchildren a handful of times..busy lady...want to swap??

I think you will get more considered replies if you post this in Relationships OP.

It’s not top trumps, vegan

OP, this is way too complex to unpick in one post on AIBU. You are grieving, you have a major health trauma, ongoing health issues, you’re a new mum, over spending issues, self esteem problems. I’m sorry for the loss of your brother.

If therapy is beyond your means right now, try posting on Relationships for some book recommendations.

There are things you can do - like decide that now is the time you’re going to stop branding yourself as poor with money (maths and finance) and learn to budget. If you want to, there is support and it won’t be hard from the maths point of view - it’s emotionally driven, not the lack of a calculator. That might help improve your self esteem, and you can tackle other issues.

Just accept the money for now. Most likely it’s given from love - you’re a parent now, you’d do the same.

Very sorry about your health problems and for the loss of your brother.

The family issues sound tricky: there’re lots of things you can do to asjust your relationships, “boundaries” and own behaviour in the dynamics.

But there sound to be other issues that are more pressing right now: your health, work, and family finances and how these are managed. If freelancing wasn’t earning you enough money, and money is needed (sounds like it), might be time to consider other options.

You refer to your H’s money as “his”: it’s family money. Do you have full access to it?

@veganfortheanimals can I just check, are you offering the swap of your inadequate mother for the OP’s birth mother who took drugs during her pregnancy and didn’t want to or wasn’t allowed to keep her baby?

If you are going to enter into pointless competitions, perhaps pick an easier target?

Nice that you care about animals, maybe extend that to people?

Does the money come with criticism and control from your mum? And therefore you hate yourself for needing it, and hate yourself for taking it... But yet you keep taking it? (By "It" I mean the money and the criticism) I think your self-esteem will improve when you are no longer relying on your parents. Then perhaps you can set some healthier boundaries, and take better control of your own life. I don't know how realistic it is for you to stop depending on them for money. I do sympathise, my x-mil was a very controlling woman, who used constant criticism to damage her daughter's self esteem, making them more open to emotional blackmail and easier to control. But you have to make a decision to take back the control. Take responsibility for yourself. You can't blame them forever.

Hello OP
They're your parents - parents do for their kids.
I see where you're coming from but they probably don't realise how controlling you find it and just want to help you. How's your relationship with your Dad - is he also controlled by Mum and enable her or is he equally worried about you? I would/will continue to financially support my kids if they needed it and I had the money to do so.

I know some churches offer free money matters courses so I would start there.

I'm not sure your parents are to blame for the way your life is going currently.

It's really dreadful hearing about your accident and the ongoing trauma you have suffered, but I can't see how that is your parents fault for being over protective.

Of course your mum's constant criticism of you needs to be addressed and you should tell her how it makes you feel.

But your overspending, your husband's job, not being able to afford food, the fact you cannot work for a myriad of reasons, it's not your parents fault for being over protective.

It sounds like they are helping you regularly with cost of living expenses and that sounds very kind of them.

What parent would want to see their child/grandchild going hungry?

Your parents lost a son too ?

This isn't about your parents is it?
It's about your illness, disability, mental health, emotional challenges, bereavement, loss, feelings about your adoption and obligation etc
I do hope you're having some good therapy. With all that on your shoulders it will help

I agree w PP - there's too much here to unpick on AIBU. Your dp sound lovely - in some ways but having parents who cast you as incapable or who are critical of you can be very damaging. You may find that the relationship os codependent rather than supportive but that's something to untangle with a good therapist. You do sound vulnerable right now but thaf doesn't mean that this need be your default state in the future - life has thrown a lot at you in recent years.

I appreciate that money's tight right now but I do think some therapy might be helpful to you, if you can find a good therapist.

I think you’re ungrateful. Sorry.

Best thing you can do is sort your finances out, take ownership of your overspending. Prove to yourself that you are capable etc.

^This isn't about your parents is it?
It's about your illness, disability, mental health, emotional challenges, bereavement, loss, feelings about your adoption and obligation etc
I do hope you're having some good therapy. With all that on your shoulders it will help^

OP, I mean this kindly, but adoption could well be the ‘root cause’ of your self-esteem issues, which can well affect everything in your every day life, this is one those situations where there is no one to blame, it is what it is, and the best thing for you to do would be seek some therapy to help you come to terms with it. Im sorry you are having a rough time and wish you well.

There are clearly a lot of issues here and when unpicked are too complicated for this site. Your husband earns a good salary, you overspend then critisize your loving parents for helping out financially is just one of them. The answer to this is simple is it not?

OP when you were working and earning good money, how were your parents then?
I think they’re doing the right thing supporting you financially at the moment if your DH doesn’t earn enough, but longer term you and DH would need to think of how you can support yourselves without help and without your salary. It is just that you want to feel you’re back in control after some really hard times?