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Original poster

Should I end this friendship?

51 replies

Hereiam1980 · 26/11/2018 14:38

So back ground, we were at uni together, spent a lot of time in our 20s together, mostly nights out and the odd holiday. When I lived in Milan she came out with another friend to visit, that was over10 years ago now. Lately as we have moved into our mid/ late 30s we have seen each other less, esp as I’ve since had 2 children, she has chosen not to have any. We went through a period of making plans to meet but they never came about... in short we have seen each other less than 5 times in 3 years.
Then I hear she’s getting married, ok great, I’m invited to her hen, I honestly couldn’t afford it, I don’t work right now and am at home with both very small children. It would have taken up the entire bank holiday weekend in terms of time and not being able to do anything else and cost 400 or there abouts.
Then there was the wedding, I went with my ex as it had all be booked before we split and we still get along well enough, needless to say though it was painful and not something I’d choose to do. This also cost nearly 500 in travel and accommodation...

In between now and then there have been talks of meeting, but despite her telling me she was finishing at lunch and free, only wanting to meet in central, I’m not taking a nearly 2 and 3 year old to lunch In Central when one should be asleep to sit in a cafe! I’m also technically a single parent so can’t just get out every night, I need to work around him and his stuff so things are tricky...

So fast forward to now, it was my sons birthday, he’s now 2, and I’ve always made a fuss about the kids birthdays... I invited her along with family on both sides and other friends.
The day before I start hearing noises about how something’s come up, her now husband has his parents up and they have booked a table for lunch. Then on the morning of the party she finally announces she won’t be coming, now she had known about this for a good 6 weeks, knew I was baking to order and making hand made thank you cards with his foot prints in etc
Why then drop me in it? Why not just say no with enough time for me not to spend time on her share of baking etc... should I just not bother?

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 26/11/2018 14:43

Sounds like too much bother tbh, and you're not exactly high on her priority list anyway. I think you're just both at different stages in your lives.

Forgotmycoat · 26/11/2018 15:08

I agree with single. Your lives have changed and friendships sometimes end. She should have let you know in good time. It's only good manners.

Btw, since she's not coming to the party, can I have her share of birthday cake please?

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 26/11/2018 15:23

Haha! The cake and baked goods were very well received and I’ve none left 😉 I’ve asked her directly a while back now after another round of failed attempts to meet if we should just say goodbye as it were... but she convinced me life was busy etc. I just feel hurt as I still made the effort to attend her wedding at great expense and emotional belugh on my part so kinda felt it was my turn...
But seriously a central London venue with 2 young toddlers who are over tired, and dragging a double buggy/ all sorts of crap to amuse them - not my idea of fun! And then heading back to my area with almost rush hour commuters- dear god!!

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/11/2018 15:30

She doesn't understand your life. Which is fine, people don't, unless they're in the thick of it.

But you don't really vibe anymore. She may like the idea of having you as a friend. But if you become a friend in theory only, what's the point?

I would let it go without any great announcement. Just don't bother texting that much. And when you do, don't sign off using sentences beginning with the words "we must" or "let's". It's a bit pointless. Just sign off with an X instead.

MakeItRain · 26/11/2018 15:36

I really wouldn't do a big "ending" of the friendship. Just let it tail off a bit but keep in touch. I'm in my fifties now and over the years good friendships have varied.

Sometimes I see people weekly and sometimes other frienships have lapsed to not seeing each other for years. But we're all still friends and meeting up is always lovely.

I think when you have small children it's a key time for friendships to change, especially if other friends are at different stages of theIr lives.

Invest in other friendships for not but try not to get too cross about this one changing right now. You might find in a few years you get close again. (This has happened to me several times).

Flatasmytitties · 26/11/2018 15:36

You put your two year olds foot prints on thank you cards?

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 26/11/2018 15:38

They have 4 sets of grand parents and aunts who like to keep things like that as a little thing to look back on...

OP posts:
PushItRealGood · 26/11/2018 15:39

I agree with others that your lives have moved in different directions so YWBU to end the friendship if you never actually manage to spend time with each other.

That said, I don't feel she's really done anything wrong as such. As someone who doesn't have DC, I wouldn't necessarily realise a 2YO's birthday was a big deal whereas I'd never miss a friend's wedding and I doubt she'd miss yours.

Meeting in the centre sounds hard for you but she works and I imagine it's difficult to always go to you as she may be very busy (correct me if I'm wrong) so I don't think your needs necessarily trump hers.

Bubba1234 · 26/11/2018 15:40

It sounds like you both couldn’t be bothered with each other anymore meh life happens

RayRayBidet · 26/11/2018 15:41

Why don't you invite her for a meal and/or stay the night so you can spend time together but it's easier for you as kids should be in bed (in ideal world I know)

PushItRealGood · 26/11/2018 15:45

Also, I don't see how the cost of going (or not) to the hen and wedding or having to go with your ex have anything to do with your friendship so I think you're being a bit unfair there. I honestly don't think of weddings in terms of how much I spend to attend and then expect the other person to come to my house or wherever because of it. That is possibly a sign that this friendship is over as it sounds like you may resent her.

PickledChutney · 26/11/2018 15:46

I wouldn’t push yourself to see her when it inconveniences you, but quite honestly, a 2 year olds birthday party is not at all the same as a wedding and potential guests shouldn’t be expected to make as big an effort for it. You’re slightly overreacting tbh.

PushItRealGood · 26/11/2018 15:47

Sorry, for some reason I can't seem to stop writing! Does she actually like kids? Would you be able to get a babysitter and just go out the two of you? Could that be why she seems reluctant to meet up sometimes?

Haworthia · 26/11/2018 15:50

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong, personally, but it does sound like you have nothing in common anymore. I think it’s OK to let things slide.

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 26/11/2018 15:59

It’s got nothing to do with My needs trumping here, it’s about cancelling on the morning when you knew somebody had gone to the effort of doing individual cards etc. It’s also about not putting back into the friendship what you take out, very one sided. I think if you make plans with people and they never follow through with them it does make you a bit of an arse because on those occasions I hadn’t planned to do anything else.
The money isnt the issue, it’s more that my attending the wedding was a show of support for her and her life choices, not that I intended to beat her over the head with it for the rest of her life.

Surely it boils down to this if you’re not going to come you need to give notice if you know for a fact that people are making things and factoring you in, its got nothing to do with the wedding being more significant then a child’s birthday, the point is you said you were going to come and then you cancelled last minute which is poor form- again.

OP posts:
PushItRealGood · 26/11/2018 16:04

It’s got nothing to do with My needs trumping here, it’s about cancelling on the morning when you knew somebody had gone to the effort of doing individual cards etc.

I was referring to you not wanting to meet in the centre, not about the cancelling on the same day which was poor form.

FittonTower · 26/11/2018 16:09

Do you need to "end the freindship"? Why not just accept you've moved apart, possibly temporarily? I have friends i haven't seen much of at all in the last few years because I've got small children and I'm busy and they don't really "get" the level of organisation it takes to get stuff done for me now. In a few years time we might be really close again, we might not but they're worth not getting angry with because our lives aren't thay compatatble at the moment

MissRhubarb · 26/11/2018 16:14

Sorry, but I don't think you can expect someone who doesn't have children to get the significance making individual cards for a child's birthday. Baking to order would likely similarly meant nothing. I think you're in different places in your lives with very different priorities and should just let it drift. There's no need to make a big gesture to "finish it".

Rachelle3211 · 26/11/2018 16:18

Every birthday party we've thrown has had some last minute cancellations. I've never taken it personally.
You are at different stages in life. One day when your kids are older you might want to get back to this friendship so I wouldn't dismiss it yet. She might not be a big fan of kids. My maid of honour and best friend since infancy does not like kids. I invite her to everything knowing she'll say no unless it's just the two of us. We haven't seen each other for three years because parenting my sn ds is all consuming at the moment. One day though I'll have more freedom and she'll be one of the first people I call. I adore her but my life doesn't have much freedom, and she is happily married and doing her own amazing artistic work. I am one of her biggest fans and we hugely respect each other but we're at different places.

Xocaraic · 26/11/2018 16:23

Growing up can mean growing apart. Neither party needs to feel guilty about that. Remember the good memories fondly and step on into your future.

wineymummy · 26/11/2018 16:28

Personally I wouldn't put a toddler's birthday party in the same league as a wedding. I have sacked off plenty of kid's birthday parties myself. I also wouldn't expect people to feel obliged to come to my wedding. I enjoy a wedding and appreciate how much it costs the bridge and groom per head. I don't think these are good examples of your friend being a bad friend - just different to you right now. Don't stress it, get over the bday thing, and just see if things readjust to suit your different lifestyles. If not, friendship fizzles, no biggie.

geologyrocks · 26/11/2018 16:28

I think you are being unreasonable. Her wedding and the choice you made to bring your ex is nothing to do with her. You didn't have to so the fact that you found it painful is nothing to do with this story.

I think you have behaved like a bad friend too...You can't expect her to conform to your new life if you're not willing to be flexible for her either.

The friendship has run it's course

Original poster
Hereiam1980 · 26/11/2018 16:29

I guess I didn’t mean I was going to have a chat with her, or make a fuss, just stop trying to make things happen...
I’m all for her life choices, hence making the effort with the wedding, it just kinda sucked to see I wasn’t a priority back. Ok enough for now

OP posts:
BombBiggleton · 26/11/2018 16:33

I'm not sure why you invited someone you've barely seen for years to such an intimate close friends and family event. There was obviously a huge chance she would pull out given your history.

I think it's six and two threes here - she won't have really known the impact of not going, and it sounds like the late notice might have been her being a bit conflicted as to whether to attend or not. We've all been there!.

You have my sympathies anyway; one of my friendship groups is coming / has come to an end..nothing dramatic, we just don't really want to spend time together anymore. It does feel like an 'official announcement' should be made though, doesn't it?. Probably better to just let it naturally drift away.

Alfie190 · 26/11/2018 16:36

I also think you are at different stages, this happens. I don't have children, I would be bemused if a friend, especially one I have not seen a lot of, would think I have any interest or invite me to the two year old's party. It was poor cancelling on the day of course, maybe she thought she could handle it, but then decided she couldn't.

I also wonder (not saying you are) if you are coming across as if she has to do everything at your convenience because of your children. I only have one friend with children and we often catch up at her house in the evening as she has children to get to bed, but she does meet me in town on other occasions without children. A child free woman, does not want all her social occasions to include children. I think this is why so many friendships do change and end after circumstances change.