Should I end this friendship?

[Hereiam1980]

So back ground, we were at uni together, spent a lot of time in our 20s together, mostly nights out and the odd holiday. When I lived in Milan she came out with another friend to visit, that was over10 years ago now. Lately as we have moved into our mid/ late 30s we have seen each other less, esp as I’ve since had 2 children, she has chosen not to have any. We went through a period of making plans to meet but they never came about... in short we have seen each other less than 5 times in 3 years.
Then I hear she’s getting married, ok great, I’m invited to her hen, I honestly couldn’t afford it, I don’t work right now and am at home with both very small children. It would have taken up the entire bank holiday weekend in terms of time and not being able to do anything else and cost 400 or there abouts.
Then there was the wedding, I went with my ex as it had all be booked before we split and we still get along well enough, needless to say though it was painful and not something I’d choose to do. This also cost nearly 500 in travel and accommodation...

In between now and then there have been talks of meeting, but despite her telling me she was finishing at lunch and free, only wanting to meet in central, I’m not taking a nearly 2 and 3 year old to lunch In Central when one should be asleep to sit in a cafe! I’m also technically a single parent so can’t just get out every night, I need to work around him and his stuff so things are tricky...

So fast forward to now, it was my sons birthday, he’s now 2, and I’ve always made a fuss about the kids birthdays... I invited her along with family on both sides and other friends.
The day before I start hearing noises about how something’s come up, her now husband has his parents up and they have booked a table for lunch. Then on the morning of the party she finally announces she won’t be coming, now she had known about this for a good 6 weeks, knew I was baking to order and making hand made thank you cards with his foot prints in etc
Why then drop me in it? Why not just say no with enough time for me not to spend time on her share of baking etc... should I just not bother?

Not sure why she would want to go to a 2 year olds birthday of a friend. You would have no time to chat to her. Hardly relaxing. And I've never begrudged spending money on hen weekends and destination weddings if I can afford it cos I've always had an amazing time and travelled to places I might never have gone to.

And I've never begrudged spending money on hen weekends and destination weddings if I can afford it cos I've always had an amazing time and travelled to places I might never have gone to.

@masterandmargarita it's so refreshing to read that as I feel exactly the same and sometimes wonder if I'm in a parallel here on MN! It's always:

OP: Should I go to my BF's hen do/wedding?
MN: No! Once you add transport, hotel, gift and new outfit, it's not worth it and you could have a family holiday for that.

I feel like I'm the only one that actually loves celebrating my friends' special moments (even better if abroad!), has a great time and doesn't sit down and calculate if a good friend is worth that expense. What's the point of savings sitting in the bank if you can't show up for a friend when she has a life-changing event?

I think the key word is ‘if’ you can afford it, some people are forced to make choices regarding child care, if and when they can get it, the amount of free time the significant other has off work... and if you only have a limited amount of each then yeah you have to think carefully.

I think the key word is ‘if’ you can afford it

I absolutely agree. I'm talking about people who don't think a friend's wedding is worth spending money on. Totally their prerogative but something I don't get.

This happens when you are at different stages in your lives with friends I think.

I don’t think she’s unreasonable expecting you to save and go to her hen doo, or meet her at Central, but you are also not unreasonable in expecting her single (as in no kids) life to be dictated by your routine whilst your kids are little etc as friendships should be give and take

How on earth would she know you were making individual cards with footprints?! And who would think a two years olds party was so important?

You are overreacting to her not attending the birthday party of a toddler she, presumably barely knows.

It’s a bit sad when we drift away from friends and it happens a LOT when we have very young children. I don’t blame you for not wanting to go into central London with small dc but because she’s not at that point she very likely thinks you are being awkward and it would be fun.

Wait until she decides to have dc and she will be back in touch. No need for a showdown, just let it drift for now. Or make an effort see her without your dc one evening. Saying she dropped you in it is a huge exaggeration, it’s a minor disappointment.

It sounds like you have unrealistic expectations of her. Most parents I know view a 2 year olds birthday party as a special kind of hell to be endured only so why would someone without children even contemplate going?

She may not have kids but she does have responsibilities in her life. Your needs don't trump hers, sorry. You made the decision to go to her wedding. As MN is keen to say, it's an invitation not a summons. She chose to not go to your sons party. That's life.

Total overreaction about a 2 year old's party whatever the plans were!

You have to accept that childless and indeed other people with kids will not see this as a priority event.

Sounds a bit childish. It’s not unreasonable for her not to be that interested in your kids birthday, despite its obvious importance to you. But likewise her wedding. You both can still be great friends, even if you weren’t to put pressure on each other to turn up to events that you both independently decide are important. The idea of friendship is that you enjoy each other’s company, regardless of circumstances.

I don't want to be mean here but I think YABU. You say you're not, but you've absolutely used the fact you attended her wedding as a weapon, to prove you're a worthy friend and now you're expecting payment in the form of attending your child's birthday.

I have no dc. I am v v broody but unable to have them. I like kids but I can't explain the frustration of having a fun friend who suddenly can't meet me without them or our every plan having to be somewhere child friendly. Also, children's birthday parties are quite boring if the children aren't yours / niece / nephew / grandchild.

My friends are more than mothers but a lot of them expected me to change because they have. That isn't always fair and some friendships aren't meant to last forever.

If you don't have childcare, tell her that and ask her to meet you somewhere else. If you do have childcare, use it!

Also, might be good to consider that she does want kids but has some fertility issues. A lot of people I know see me as career focused and content and have assumed I don't want dc when actually, I would give anything to have them. I haven't corrected them as it's a very personal issue.

Yeah don't end it. Just don't prioritise it.

To me this isn’t about which is a bigger deal wedding or my sons birthday, it’s about celebrating each other’s lives and it being equal. Yes my sons birthday is very important to me as we both had sepsis at birth and he nearly didn’t make it, this was a massive thing clearly and each birthday is particularly special for that reason

His party is special to you. No adult without kids, or with them, really wants to go to a child's party. You don't want to take the kids into central London.

Why don't you meet your friend when the kids are with their dad?

I agree with the others

I had a close friend. I now have this thing I do

I try twice. If they put me off twice. That’s it. I’m nearly 40....I really don’t have the time or inclination to MAKE things happen anymore. If someone wants me in their life. They will try.

I had a close friend. I heard from our other friends she was having real troubles with her husband. And she was pretty depressed. I tried over and over to meet. I offered to go to her house (she lives over two hours away). I offered to meeting her anywhere. Whatever was easiest. But she kept coming up with strange excuses. Asked me to meet her in town. Yep. That I can do. Then text me saying town was too noisy for her dd....err. It was her choice. Anyway. I deicded that was my last straw. You can only help someone who wants to be helped. She obviously doesn’t want to be in my life anymore. Whilst I’m gutted. I’m also grateful. I hear she’s still having a super hard time with her husband. Though in social media she makes out she’s living a very happy life. I do miss her but there is nothing I can do. I’m super blessed with my life. I find the happier you are in your own life. The less it effects you. Years ago if I lost w friend. I was devastated. But nowadays. Not so much. Because I have everything I need. The rest is just a blessing. I have other wonderful friends. Some come. Some go. I’m grateful for the time they are in my life. Because each o e gave me something.

I also would let class a wedding and a kids birthday party in the same category. Even with hand made cards....sorry.

I also nearly lost both my life and both my children. I agree. Each birthday is special

But it’s still not something I would fall out with a friend over...especially if they don’t have children. They won’t ever understand. I still don’t think it’s the same as a wedding. I don’t feel they are equal.

For the record we have arranged to meet without kids over the years and it doesn’t work either...it’s ok I’m done, no fuss just moving along, maybe it will come back... maybe not

As you say yourself, the footprint cards are the sort of thing a grandparent might like. A friend would probably think it was sweet, but wouldn’t feel I couldn’t cancel because you’d made them.

You expect your friend to understand that your life has changed since you had a child. Do you extend the same understanding to your friend? Her in-laws are coming to town - maybe she feels she has little choice but to be there, just as you might have to cancel plans because of your family. You say she said she was free after lunch, but then said she could only meet in central London - maybe she was free if you could come to central London.

Perhaps you both need to step back a bit without a big ‘goodbye’ event.

I don't think you can compare a child's birthday to a wedding. Hopefully your friend will only have one!

I get his birthday is special for you. It took me years to be a mom. I was diagnosed infertile at 27 and we adopted our son 7 years later. I'm still stunned I'm a parent and he's been home with us for 6 years. But I don't expect my friends (especially those without kids) to get excited about his birthday party. They are happy for me and love us but at the end of the day it's still a kids party.

You cba going into central London with 2 kids in tow for her which is fair enough but you can’t expect her to be bothered attending a 2 yr olds party that she barely knows either! I know you say it’s the short notice that’s annoying you but you were baking stuff anyway and how much extra time did it take you to splodge your child’s painty foot on one extra card?
If you want to keep the friendship going then maybe try and organise something you’d both enjoy. Try and get childcare or invite her to you for dinner and drinks when the kids are in bed like a pp suggested. Or if you’re not that bothered let the friendship drift. It doesn’t sound like it would be a great loss to either of you.

As for cancelling on the morning of the party it sounds like she had something else on and was going to try and fit both in. She probably didn’t think it a big deal that she couldn’t make it or that she’d be a particularly important guest at the birthday party of a 2 yr old who would have no idea who she is!

I'd just let it slide. I had two good friends for years but don't speak to either of them now, we got to different stages of life and drifted apart , they remain close , I realized I was no longer friends with them when one of them lived 2 doors away and invited my other friend and 2 other Friends out for a birthday lunch and I got to see them all arrive and head off together , then the photos on sm . It didn't even sting a bit . Friend moved a while back but didn't tell me for weeks and I didn't even notice

OP, you sound like hard work - how many times do people have to say it - your child's birthday is important to you but that doesn't mean it's important to your friend. You can't control that, and should just accept your friend has different priorities. Let it go with grace and maybe you'll be friends again in the future, maybe not but all your entitled resentment is very off-putting. I've plenty of friends who have cancelled important stuff, forgotten my kids' birthdays and parties etc etc but we're still friends because we appreciate we all have very busy lives and being friends shouldn't be hard work but a pleasure when we can manage it. Putting others under pressure and guilt-tripping them is a no-no in real friendship. Just enjoy your dc's birthday and focus on them and recognise your friend is an independent person with their own life, interests and pressures that you may know nothing about.