My sister financially benefitting from our parents AGAIN.

[QueenofmyPrinces]

There are 13 months between me and my sister so we were very close growing up together and we are still close now, I love her and she’s one of my favourite people to be around.

Growing up we were very different, I was the typical ‘good sensible girl’ whereas she was more the type who took each day as it came and having fun was her main focus. At the time, I was envious of her character and spirit and wished I was more like her.

I did well at school, went to college, then university and have a professional job, whereas she didn’t really try at school, dropped out of two college courses and eventually ended up in a job that our neighbour found for her.

Fast forward to now: we’re in our late 30s and still very close. We both have two children although she is no longer with the father as he turned out to be a complete shit. He’s active in the children’s lives though and he provides well for them financially and helps my sister out too in ways he isn’t obliged to. I don’t particularly like the man but I can’t criticise him for the way he still provides for the children and the things he does to help my sister.

In our teenage years and through our 20’s my sister was frequently financially helped out by our parents because “she didn’t have a well paying job” and they paid out a lot for her. They paid for things to be done around her house (luxuries as opposed to necessities), paid her phone bills and store cards, paid for things for the children and paid for her driving lessons too when she was in her mid 20’s.

At the same time as they were paying for her driving lessons I was having to pay for my own lessons even though I was a student and they were charging me rent, compared to her being in full time employment and not even living in the family home anymore.

I could list lots of ways my sister has financially benefited from our parents over the last 10-15 years and although there has always been potential for resentment because of how differently we were treated I never felt it, or if I did I have no recollection of it and it didn’t impact on my relationship with my sister.

Fast forward to the last 12 months or so and my sister started going out with her friends a lot more, going out frequently for meals and drinks, going away for weekends, having new clothes etc and at the time I thought nothing of it. I was just glad to see her enjoying herself now her children are older (10 and 14) and that she was getting her life back as it were.

Recently me and DH have put ourselves out quite significantly in terms of finances in order to do something to benefit her children in order to allow them to experience something they’d never be able to if me and DH didn’t pay for it. Initially we had spoken about her paying 10% of the cost but after thinking about it I told my sister that no financial contribution was necessary as I was happy to treat my nieces and that I knew every pound counts to her and that even a small contribution would be difficult for her. She said thanks, she appreciated it and that was the end of the discussion.

Anyhow - I found out a few days ago that for the last 12 months my parents have been giving her £200 every month “just in case she needs it” and it’s actually really pissed me off. Our parents are divorced and they each give her £100.

I now feel a little put out that she so readily accepted our offer not to contribute to what we are doing for her children (which is costing us nearly £1k) when she’s getting £200 each month from our parents that she doesn’t actually need.

They (particularly my mom) also give her children money quite frequently whereas mine don’t get anything.

Inside I feel like the “special treatment” of her is still going on after all these years and I think that throughout her life it’s paid off that she didn’t get a good job because my parents have paid out so much for her and still do. I’m also in disbelief that at our age she is still taking money from our parents because as adults shouldn’t we be taking responsibility for ourselves?

I haven’t told my sister that I know about our parents giving her money each month and my parents don’t know that I know either. I won’t say anything to either of them though because it won’t serve any purpose. I only found out due my mom’s brother accidentally letting it slip when he asked me how I was spending my £200 each month as he had assumed my parents were doing it for both of us.

Im just venting. I know it’s my parents choice how they spend their money but after watching them pay out for so much for her over the last two decades this has been a bit of a blow to know they’re still doing it.

I was talking to DH about it and in my frustration I said that I wished I’d made her life choices instead of my own as maybe then my parents would have paid my way in life too and funded my lifestyle choices. I didn’t mean it, I just said it in frustration. I don’t want money from my parents, I wouldn’t accept it if they offered, but I feel a bit hurt that again my sister is getting money from them for no real reason whereas their generosity wasn’t even offered to me.

AIBU to feel a bit pissed off? Has anyone else been in a similar position and found ways to deal with it?

It seems pretty apparent to me that your parents have more excuses than Carter has pills and will continue to 'help' your sister. And that although they're 'sorry, not sorry' that you feel badly done by, they are not going to change a thing. Their opinion is that you just need to just suck it up, buttercup.

So, where will you go from here? That's the important question. You deserve better treatment. You don't need their money, fine, but you do have need of their time (rides, childcare). And it appears that they will deny you that, too, because it's 'easier' to chuck money at a problem than give up one's precious time.

One thing I'd caution you; don't expect that their estates will be divided between the two of you. If they feel that Dsis has the greater need, they'll leave a larger share (or all of it) to her. If they'd treat the two of you unequally in life, why wouldn't they do it when they are no longer around to suffer the fallout.

I would say it's a carry over from your DMs childhood and she plays the ' has a harder life' to get your DF to comply. So was she the unloved younger sulus if a successful older sis whom she envied?

My mom was actually the elder sister. She said that her parents always favoured her younger sister and that financially they gave her whatever she asked for. It’s ironic really.

When I was born my suffered very badly with PND and when I was three months, and my sister 16 months, she walked out on us and fled to another part of the country without any warning leaving my dad to care for me and my sister on his own.

Our mom didn’t come back for about 8 months, so when I was just under a year and when my sister was just about to turn 2. I was obviously completely unaware as I was so young but I do wonder whether the way she is with my sister is because she feels guilty for leaving and having no contact with her for 8 months at an age where she would have some awareness of the fact her mom had disappeared.

The irony is your mother has managed to end up with two daughters who BOTH feel lesser. It’s a bit of an epic parenting fail.

One thing I'd caution you; don't expect that their estates will be divided between the two of you. If they feel that Dsis has the greater need, they'll leave a larger share (or all of it) to her. If they'd treat the two of you unequally in life, why wouldn't they do it when they are no longer around to suffer the fallout.

I’m the Executor to both of their Wills and I’ve seen them both and they have both left everything 50/50.

I think things will change with your father, it's probably true that he may not be able to explain your mother.
This may infuriate Dsis, she has always been the princess, it's likely that it will put her nose out of joint. Time will tell.
I would say to your M, that considering she was hurt by the injustice dealt out by her own parents, its boggling that she has always done the exact same & that what DSis needs is to grow up & become a self sufficient adult, take responsibility for her bad choices (school/college/husband). How will she survive when she no longer has all the handouts? she has been spoilt forever. What she "needs" & what she "wants" are not the same thing. That you have got where you are, by effort, always working hard, doing extra shifts, it didn't happen by sodding magic. & when you ask for a 4 hour helping hand with DC, or trip to the hospital, that their refusal is just another inevitable rebuke, as painful as a slap in the face.
Where your relationship goes with DSis will depends on whether she accepts that she has been unjustifiably spoilt & it's time to to stop lying, hiding truths, & reaping benefit at your expense.an apology even.
Where are you going for Christmas ? I would suggest you stay home.
You are desperate to maintain your relationship with your sister "whom you love", Sadly this seems like more trying to be accepted & included than love

Speaking from personal experience, that doesn't mean anything I'm afraid. A new will can be made at any time, with a new executor. My grandmother changed her will hours before she died in order to leave a large sum to a conman.

Reading your dad's excuses, I don't think he does get it. Money aside, the thing that stands out is that your parents are unwilling to even provide you with basic help. A lift to a hospital appointment shouldn't even be in question. I wouldn't charge a friend who asked me to do that for them, let along family.

If he can afford to give you a lift, and it's not as if you are asking him to do it every week, it's downright nasty to expect payment from a close family member. He gave his own child a lift to hospital and then said "you owe me" when you didn't buy him lunch.

Oh boy!

"Basically, he said that he had no idea how their treatment of my sister as we were growing up and as adults was something that has caused me so much upset." He'd have to be incredibly stupid/naive to not even have considered it a possibility! Because the difference is quite blatant!

"He said that nothing he or my mum had done was intentional" ugh "we didn't mean it" hardly a robust argument.

"they weren’t aware of how their behaviours/attitudes toward us would cause any ill feeling." Again it's pretty obvious to anyone sensible this is a distinct possibility.

"He said that my sister was always making comments to them about how I’d always been the preferred daughter (in her eyes) and that because I was at Uni it then it must have made them prefer me even more. My dad said they her comments had upset him and my mom and so they had gone out of their way to help her (financially and practically) to show her that she was just as valued as she thought I was." So she emotionally blackmailed and they tried to buy her affections or approval?

The driving lessons issue - again that's clearly unfair and easy to see it is too.

The excuses you're getting are very similar to the ones I get.

"He admitted that maybe he and my mom had been so focused on what my sister needed that they had overlooked that maybe I could have needed some help with things too" this is reminiscent of a conversation I had with my mum after my first breakdown, that I "seemed" to be managing fine - but she never asked, and on the very few occasions she got close to she just accepted me saying "I'm fine" without pressing the issue, which yea or could be argued that I was an adult and could have told her but I was drowning in depression at the time but wasn't aware of it and the way I was raised by the very person saying "I didn't realise but it never occurred to me to ask" was not to make a fuss, not to give her extra stress.

And as you say if you ALREADY feel the less favoured you don't wanna rock the boat anyway.

As for the £200 - helping and supporting your kids when they're kids, even very young adults is one thing, though I think many parents get that wrong too. But when they're proper grown ups with jobs, homes, partners kids etc they need to (aside from obviously if they're in genuine difficulty - nobody wants to see their children or grandchildren struggling or going without necessities) stand on their own two feet! As for "not waiting on payday" that's normal! I'm sure that's pretty much what you do and what they did too!

Equal is not the same as fair! Your sister surely at her age knows that.

"He had said that my sister had never straight out asked them for money at any point" mine never does either - that does actually drive my mum nuts! She'd prefer she were more honest and say "I'm a bit short can you help me out" when actually she does a whole "woe is me" bullshit though more usually she plays it "I hate the kids missing out" cos she knows my parents would never see the kids do without. However what this ACTUALLY means is that money they give her "for the kids" means she's not spending her money on the kids, so she can spend her money on herself (that's the way she justifies it in her mind anyway).

"as in when they went and bought her a new boiler" which they wouldn't have known she needed unless she's discussed it with them PLUS they couldn't have bought the RIGHT new boiler without her input anyway, not how it works.

"I did ask him about the lifts/childcare and what it came down to was the fact that because I’ve got a good set up in terms of income it wouldn’t even occur to him to think of ways to try and help us save money whereas that’s always the focus point of anything related to my sister." Except you actually asked which you wouldn't have unless you really needed that help and then he expected you to pay up for a favour off your dad! As a nurse contrary to what they might think you are not rolling in it - you're just more organised & responsible than her! You shouldn't be penalised for that!

"He said if my sister had a good job and was married (so had a better income) then he’d have asked her for petrol money and lunch too in return for the driving round he did for her, but because she doesn’t then he would never ask." I don't believe that and I was actually quite shocked by that as I don't know ANY parents that would do that, that's tight as fuck!

And his begrudging you 4 hours of childcare when he did loads more for her is outrageously unfair. And again I don't know any parents that would do that even mine wouldn't be that bad.

"my sister does not have a well paid job and isn’t as financially secure" that's her choices and actions have contributed to her being in that position and again not something YOU should be penalised for.

"My dad told me it was kept secret because my mom had said that if I found out then I wouldn’t be happy about it" all that means is that they KNOW they are being unreasonable. My parents do pull this shit, but as I'm now Nc with sis, I have said I have no interest in knowing what they do or don't do for her (there's been a bit of my mum trying to make out she's seen the light and isn't doing as much for my sister now but I know it's not the case and unfortunately other relatives let things slip (even though they know I'm Nc and not interested - I'm VERY guarded about what I tell them as I don't want her knowing certain things either).

They make a big thing of spending EXACTLY the same on me, bro & sis for Christmas and birthdays AND supposedly the grandkids (even though we - bro and I - know and we're not supposed to - that they give her quite a bit of money to give the kids a good Christmas every year as she 'has had it so hard' she hasn't had it any harder than anyone else who made the choices she did!) and apparently the will leaves us all exactly the same but she's had SO much help already it means that of course any inheritance is reduced.

The money isn't the point - what pisses me off is that they CLAIM to act fairly to us all when they absolutely patently don't!

"He doesn’t now, it was when they were much younger. It was about 10-12 years ago that he did it. He provided the childcare for just over 3 years in total." I'll bet her kids are much closer emotionally to your dad than yours. My mum bemoans that she's not close to dd or my bro's 2 - but she hasn't made any effort to spend any real time with them - you reap what you sow.

Acknowledgement doesn't necessarily lead to a resolution which you seem to get and be prepared for.

Also your sister ALSO knows your mothers history and seemingly is playing on that to her advantage.

I'm not Nc with my sister purely because of this. But more because how her being favoured led her to become as an adult. I tried to maintain a relationship but frankly I got sick of her making out she was hard done by while my mum runs herself ragged facilitating her life and barely gets a thank you! Ditto whenever I did her a favour - never a thank you but plenty cheeky fuckery and even complaining if I didn't do a thing EXACTLY how she would even if she'd given no direction. Then there was also outright nastiness on several occasions, last straw moment and that was me done!

My ex was the golden child but then maybe that's partly why he is an ex! He certainly seemed very entitled in many ways, apparently that inc being entitled to have an affair and not suffer the adult consequences (a divorce and an unplanned pregnancy with ow). His 2 brothers don't speak to him & his sister barely does (she's more laid back BUT she also doesn't take any of his crap never has, she's older, he's the eldest boy). My ex in-laws are generally lovely but they did indulge him (he was very poorly when born and almost didn't make it I think is what started it all). He's absolutely fine now! And was as soon as he was sorted at the time!

I also am surprised you father would ask for money for petrol and lunch to take you a hospital appointment.

If you had plenty of money spare, you would have caught a taxi, so he must know this would be a stretch for you.

People normally give their family members free lifts because they love them.

I can imagine someone asking for petrol money if they are really short of money. But if he is short of money, it is only because he is subsidising his other daughter. Is he paying so much to her that he can no longer do normal family favours to you or anyone else?

Wow, I have RTFT and it's so interesting to hear this is so common.

My DH and his bro are 19 months apart and brought up to be independent people. They have a 'can do' attitude and are good with finances, resilient and life is generally good. Eg DH wanted driving lessons, he got a job and paid for them himself and passed. He moved out for Uni and never moved back. If things are difficult he doesn't quit. He never moans and says poor me and never manipulates to get money. He's never had any extra help from DPs and used to be jealous that his DSis is the favourite. Eg always pleases her over him and would break a promise to him because DSis now needs help.

They have a sister who is 11 years younger. She was brought up completely differently. She moans poor me ALL the time. When MIL talks to me she often says poor Helen this, poor Helen that. It's so tough for her etc. It isn't tough for her, she just tells her Mum this on a daily basis and so that's how it seems. She dropped out of uni, she quits every job when it gets hard. She is married and has a child, but still hasn't left home! She works 2 days and gets free childcare, babysitting on tap. She didn't want any of my second hand kids stuff and bought all new and then couldn't afford our family holiday, so DPs paid. Her Mum does her washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, gardening, driving her around and looking after DGC while she sits on the sofa doing sweet FA! Her and her Mum have this mega close loving bond that goes to the extreme where they need each other and can't be apart. They have their own cutie baby language and she is treated like a child.
She never asks for money but talks in such a way that her Mum offers it, because it will make her happy, and she accepts. She ALWAYS has everything her own way, always put first and if anything isn't going right, her DPs sort it out for her. She has no resilience or coping mechanisms.
She has had anxiety for a few years now and it's getting worse, she has extremely low self esteem and the fact she can't do anything for herself is a real worry. How is she going to cope when her Mum is too ill/old to help? (btw DM is 72)
Her Mum thinks that when she is elderly or in a nursing home, DD will visit her and do for her in return. The truth is, she won't. Not because she doesn't want to but because she can't even look after herself, she can't drive and is totally incapable.
It's actually maddening, because she is very intelligent and funny and great company and it feels like her Mum has ruined her. Because her Mum does so much with her DGC, she is like the favoured 'parent' and really it should be her actual Mum not Gran. They are both locked in the codependency triangle. Probably unaware and there's sadly nothing I can do.
In short OP, you are the lucky one not your sister. x

My 2 favourite quotes from this thread:

I think some parents like feeling needed. They subconsciously dis-enable a child to fulfill a desire to be a permanent parent. But they also rear their other kids to be independent as proof that they've done a good job.

Equal isn't the same as fair.

Op walking out whether you remember or not does matter at 3 months you are still bonding and need your mother!

@QueenofmyPrinces
A lot of posters have mentioned FOG, which is very useful to read up on.
Do look up the codependency triangle as well.
Victim > Rescuer > Persecutor --> Victim etc etc...
In your case this issue is Dsis is Victim and DM is Rescuer. It is hard to break, especially as they like how it is.
This is the same case as my MIL and her own DD.

So, basically, according to your Dad, by trying to level the playing field, your parents have spectacularly put you at a disadvantage. Never mind the fact that they have totally failed to spot that you worked hard to get where you are and your DSis has and I'm being generous here coasted. She has been rewarded for not trying whilst you have been totally punished because of your focus and effort.

It'll be interesting to see how things pan out with your Dad. I think your Mum is a lost cause so let's just hope she doesn't re-convert your Dad to her way of thinking.

As for your DSis, I cannot begin to see where you start with her.

My dad was also upset when he left - so he should be, but I get the feeling it wasn't on your behalf.

I’ve spoken to my mom briefly over the phone and it ended in an argument. She was saying that I’m stirring up unnecessary trouble, what’s done is done and I should just let it go. She said she knew my dad had spoken to me and explained so if I wasn’t prepared to accept his explanations then there was nothing else either of them could do.

Amongst the conversation somewhere I bought up my worries about favouring grandacholdren and I asked what if my sister’s daughters needed extra GCSE tuition, or driving lessons, or help with Uni fees etc, was she planning on coughing up for that too? She said that of course she would and why I want to see my nieces punished and why shouldn’t she pay for all those things if my sister herself couldn’t afford it?

So I then said, are you going to pay for my children to have extra tuition and driving lessons too? And fund their university costs too when the time comes?

She then went quiet and told me I was being ridiculous and petty.

Maybe I was, I don’t know. She just doesn’t get it.

I don't think you were being petty queen. Not at all.
And sadly your mum is telling you where her priorities do and always will lie.

Your Mum is a dick.

The scales have fallen from my eyes reading this.
And to your last point, sadly, no you don't

What do you mean Pebbles?

The scales have fallen from my eyes reading this. And to your last point, sadly, no you don't

What do you mean Pebbles?

Cross post!

I should just let it go.
Re-phrase that as "just let them go*.
You said on Monday, "Because my sister doesn’t drive they go and visit her regularly but they never drive over to me and I only really see them if I make the effort to drive to theirs." You are expending a lot of energy (mum twice a week, dad once a week, Dsis often) on people who don't seem to reciprocate the effort. Don't chase after them any more. Concentrate on your own family and friends that you can rely on. You don't need to go No Contact with parents and DSis, just rein it in and instead spend time with people who appreciate you.

And please tell me that you are reading up parenting books so this toxic mess doesn't go down another generation.

Queen I think you are very brave to be opening all this up. Ultimately you have been forced into being someone who can cope and live independently and your sister is not. It does sound as if much of the madness and unfairness stems from your mother's early years as a mother and her guilt.
I hope you feel better for talking to your dad.

Op being will executor is a big thing and being left 50 /50 is totally fair.

So it's up to you how this pans out. Money does equal love sadly in many families.

They will bat you off until you make a stand but in the nicest possibly way they sound a little un emotionally intelligent.

So make a stand but you then risk them making your ds sis executor and even cutting you out. Depends how much they will miss you really.... And how much you love them or will feel better off without them.