To ask about your experiences with people who lie a lot, and how sympathetic you are to them?

[sp00nfulofsugar]

I'm interested to know about whether any of you have known people you (or they) suspect to be pathological/compulsive liars and how you deal with that knowledge.

Is there any point in confronting somebody who you are quite certain exaggerates and outright lies about almost everything, to varying degrees? These lies seem to be pretty much constant, although all are relatively inconsequential.

I feel like the person in my life is most certainly lying to make herself and her life sound a little bit more interesting, despite having no need to. She's a very clever and kind woman who I love dearly (I certainly would never cut her out of my life), but has low self esteem and a long history of other mental health problems dating back to her early teens (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self harm). I'm so tired of never believing anything she says.

Randomly selected couple of recent examples of the type of lies we're talking about:

• She has a first class honours degree in X subject (highly regarded subject from highly regarded university), yet her partner believes she has an undergraduate masters in X subject
• Said her train was delayed by 1.5 hours a couple of weeks ago, when I know for a fact it was delayed by about 40 minutes. Not a huge deal, but she throws in bonus lies about the fact that because the train was delayed more than 1 hour she's entitled to a full refund and how great that is
• Recently talked about how odd it was that she hadn't seen "ANYBODY" from a certain group of acquaintances for a while, "even X", when I bumped into X a couple of days afterwards and it turns out that they had bumped into each other the very day that she'd said this. Indeed it was clearly the bumping into X that prompted her to realise she hadn't seen the others for a while, but she had to make it sound a bit more dramatic than it really was.

Sometimes the lies would be the most outrageous completely unbelievable things, like "I was walking home from work and a man came along and gave me a lift in his ferrarri and we drove to london and back", or like "I was in a hotel and it was bombed and burnt down" but again I'd just be like "really, wow he strange" and then move on.

In my experience these people are insecure and embellish to try and make themselves more interesting or just have something to talk about. Most people can see through it, so i just feel a bit sorry for them - it must be exhausting.

I work with someone like this. It’s always really innocouous things too like exaggerating how a conversation went and adding some drama to what was said (a colleague was there and later said it didn’t go like that) or that the guy in pret asked for her number (I was there, he didn’t, he was just being a friendly pret worker - she said it was after i walked out even though we left at the exact same time). Another time she told us one of the directors had jokingly told her to fuck off when she gave him some tricky news, and after we insisted that was out of order even as a joke and she should speak to HR she backed down and said actually it might have been buzz off..

She used to drive me mad but over time I have started to feel sorry for her. Every time she’s in a group of staff at work she feels the need to tell a whacky anecdote (which often seem far fetched). She seems to only find validation when she’s talking about something funny or interesting and has everyone’s attention. Often she will steer the conversation into other topics before people have finished discussing something (often just by interrupting a convo with an irrelevant story) and can’t really ‘read the room’. It’s become obvious that she struggles to socialise naturally in the office and this is her tool to win people over - or so she thinks.

I just feel bad for her now - it’s annoying but God it must be so tiring to constantly be ‘on’.

My (NC for many reasons) sister was/is a compulsive liar. It’s a trait I would never accept in anyone else, but had kind of always put up with it because it just felt impossible to go NC. After many other events, I finally went NC. Best decision I ever made to be honest. Someone compulsively lying to you about even the most trivial of things puts a real barrier up in the relationship. I couldn’t be friends with a liar, what’s the point in having a friend that you can’t trust? It always seems to be indicative of much wider issues really. My sis is a narcissistic bitch, and obsessed with image, what other people are doing and how to go one better. The most un-genuine human I think I’ve ever met. Huge red flag to notice someone lying all the time!

My husband had a friend like this. I’m convinced she had other mental health issues. She had an unsettled childhood. I feel bad for her but she didn’t like me, possibly as I saw through her bullshit. DH has a terrible memory so couldn’t pin it down despite realising it wasn’t right. One lie was a train her husband was catching, DH offered to pick him up from the station. She said it was the x o clock train when it was 20-30min later and the husband was surprised because he’d texted that specific train time and always got that train. She didn’t apologise for getting it wrong. She’d also be friends with people who didn’t like her, making a big effort. Plus motherhood was a huge competition which is exhausting. We had to cut ties. I had PND and she was encouraging DH to leave me. Many years later we are still together fairly successfully.

On the other hand she told me about her late miscarriage and a rape which she’d never told her husband about (was his baby and I shared my experiences so not nice to realise it may have been a lie). He was a nice guy, albeit blind to her lies, so why would she tell me and not him. She was manipulative and passive aggressive too. I’m so glad she’s not in our children’ lives and they are protected from that. I have my own mental health to work through and that experience really affected me. It’s hard to trust people after that.

I have a friend like this! Always embellishes stories, so you have to take everything she says with a pinch of salt. And the most pointless things to lie about- it's just to make her stories sound a bit more exciting!
For example, she spoke about how she had splashed out on a new mattress to treat herself and I said 'oh do you mean a mattress topper?' because she had only got a mattress not that long ago and said 'oh no no a whole new mattress' and I was like 'ah lovely, what did you do with the old mattress?' and she said 'oh well I just put the new mattress on top' and I said 'huh??? You're sleeping on a mattress put on top of another mattress??? How does that stay put???' and she said 'oh well it's designed to go on another mattress' and I said '.... so a mattress topper?' and she said 'well um yes a mattress topper' and I said '....oh but I'm didn't you say it was a whole new mattress?' and she said 'no no no, I said it's so thick and comfortable that it's LIKE a mattress'!!!!!! Things like that in every conversation- the most pointless lie!

She also fainted once in the corner of a room at an event we were at, and it was just me and her in the corner, and some first aiders came over to check she was okay but she came round very quickly, and was okay. I later heard her telling our friends that the "paramedics" has "legally declared her dead" for a few minutes!!!!!

I have an elderly relative like this. In her younger years I believe her lies were pretty malicious and she could be a nasty piece of work. Now, she's generally regarded as being a harmless old woman.

Her lies generally involve others and often the person she's speaking to e.g "I remember when you came to me and you said... blah blah blah". They reflect the relationships we know she wishes she'd had with her family but never did, ironically largely due to this behaviour she's been kept a bit at arms length. We genuinely don't know if she knows she's lying or has rewritten the past in her head, although she does lie about recent things too, daft things like "I bought this from x the other day as a gift for you", when it's clearly mucky, well used and you suspect she's owned it for years.

Can be very irritating and still she occasionally says something that has the potential to cause real upset at which point we kick ourselves a bit that we always let the behaviour slide, just nodding and smiling, occasionally saying something like "Oh well I'm not sure about that".

Raising it now would only upset her and wouldn't change her at all so there's no point in rocking the boat, but it's frustrating to bite your tongue all the time with her and has definitely affected my relationship with her growing up. I was aware from a young age she lied a lot and just learned to brush over it like everyone else. I wish she'd been pulled up on it when she was younger, she might have been but not by anyone I know. Not sure if it would have changed anything though.

My brother.
He has always been like it. He now lives abroad and that creates plenty of scope for him. Just put up with him for a week. I can let it wash over me for about 6 days. I started pointing out his rubbish yesterday.

AJ ohh yes that’s a whole realm of liars I’ve forgotten about, people who live abroad! I used to live in a different country - the crap people used to come out with was so often bending the realms of fantasy bullshit, it would be hilarious when a friend or relative would come to visit them there and call them out on their lies. I’m the total opposite, I can’t stand lying and very rarely find need to. I once heard a talk about relationships and living well with your community etc and the guy said that lying unbalances your entire life. It disrupts your pathways and ruins your confidence and destroys your own self-esteem because you’ve not stepped forward in truth. People’s responses to you and people’s actions because of your lies become distorted and sets you off in directions that aren’t right for you. I heard that when I was maybe 17 or 18 and don’t think I’ve lied since more than once or twice. Examples of what I’ve comsidered an acceptable lie are things like to the school. I’ve tried reasoning with them about days off for what I consider very important reasons and they always say no. So I say that they’re sick. Very rarely, I should say. I’ve tried being honest and made advanced requests, bearing in mind they’re in lower primary. Any and every request gets flat out rejected, so I’ve been pushed to lie, but not for trivial stuff or my proper life stuff with people I work or have relationships with.

My boss. His lies damage the people he works with. I dont even think he himself knows which are lies and truths anymore. It ranges from small innocent ones to big ones. I have no sympathy at all.

I studied Psychology to a masters level - and I would personally stay far, far away from people like this. I just assume that they’re manipulative and strange, I just wouldn’t trust them or get close to them. I don’t find compulsive liars harmless.

I knew a girl like this at university. She lied about absolutely anything - as minor as what makeup she owned, to rape. She literally sat down and cried about how someone raped her at uni that night, and spent a drinking game of ‘never have I ever’ mentioning the assault any chance she got (eg ‘never have I ever.....been raped’. Drink). Then a few days later it materialised nothing happened whatsoever and then she said that never said that she was raped. Absolute nightmare. She was also really jealous and competitive and shit stirred whenever she had the chance.

My sil did this bur she could be very dangerous wih it she accised several.people of assailting her including my dh her brothrt (he didnt i was there) after an argument , she passed away suddenly a few years ago in her obituary a friend wtoye that she was a talented swimmer who had successfully swam the English channel she hadent het swimming was confined to swimming pools and she had never swum competatvley .

I know two people who lie a lot - both very manipulative people, but slightly different in the way they lie.
My eldest sister has always exaggerated hugely even as a child, as she grew up this developed into outright lies, and these gradually grew more and more malicious and harmful. My other sister and I are NC with her now, she is really quite a dangerous and unprecictable person. I'm not sure whether she actually tell her lies so often that she starts to believe them.

The other person was my X - his lies were just automatic, his first response to anything was to lie. Constant, stupid unnecessary lies. I have no idea why he did it - I think it was some kind of thrill seeking. As well as the everyday small lies, there were some big lies (affairs, gambling) that finally caught up with him. But it was the lying every single day over ridiculous stuff that was especially draining. It was as if he was completely incapable of telling the truth even over the smallest thing (like 'have you bought some milk?' 'yes' - and he hadn't, saying he was doing something when he was blatantly doing something else - and you could see him doing it.) It was bizarre behaviour and I'd never come across it before.

I have known several big liars.

One does have a now diagnosed personality disorder and has had some help thanks to the diagnosis.

Another was a friend for a short period who who lied about anything and everything. The lies were so far fetched it became funny and I just distanced myself from him. He was a fairly harmless twat. No idea what happened to him.

The other one was a boss. He would lie about anything and everything as well and it was so obvious that everyone talked about it behind his back and had zero respect for him. I think he was insecure but he really didn't help himself and he very likely also had some kind of personality disorder imho. Of course he's continued to do very well in his career because it's only the people working closely and below him who realise what he's like.

My sister is a compulsive liar. She has to compartmentalise her entire life.
She tells her friends and partners that she had a terrible childhood and her family are horrible people (which is bollocks I was there) we've had weird looks from her friends and in laws etc. Obviously wondering how we have the nerve to show up.
She comes across really sociable, she is the life and soul of the party. She interviews for jobs really well, then either gets the sack or leaves when they find out she is lazy and disorganised.
Same with friends, they think she is wonderful, then they lend her money cos she has "forgotten" her purse or they get told some massive sob story. Then she disappears without paying them back.
Don't really know why she does it tbh.
I never lend her anything and just act bright and breezy so her kids don't suffer.

@rayraybidet

I can’t imagine she keeps friends or partners long if she treats them like that!

Apart from the rest @RayRayBidet I'd think you were talking about my sister RE terrible childhood. (It had problems but she has wildly exaggerated them to friends)

I too have had friends of hers be like and then toward me when I'm nothing like she's claimed.

She's now in her forties and a long standing adult friend of hers only came to our family home in recent years for the first time. About 4 years ago. The friend literally hasn't spoken to her since.

My DM thought it was "jealousy"

And I was like no Mum she's lied and lied to that girl for years and been exposed

Watching the penny drop was special - I only wish more would see through her

@Holidayshopping that's right!
She has more front than Blackpool

@PawneeParksDept
Yes it's funny sometimes when people have clearly listened to her tales of woe and then can't figure out why we seem pretty normal and unassuming!
I have come to the conclusion that she is batshit and there is nothing I can do about it

I'd caution against confronting her about the lies. I once had a fairly close friend (let's call her Mandy) who seemed to lie compulsively. It was usually just silly pointless lies to add a bit of dramatic interest or give her a way to be included in a group conversation. As we became closer friends and spent more time alone together she shared bigger and bigger stories which she would embellish in different ways and contradict herself all the time. It was so silly as there was no need for any of it. It also felt a bit yuck because I opened up to her about something personal from my past and she replied with a "me too x1000 with bells on" type story.

I tried to talk to her about it once when we were alone. I pitched it along the lines of "I really care about you and enjoy your company but I can't understand why you sometimes exaggerate or make up silly things". She got very cross and defensive. Total denial, how dare I etc etc. Then she went NC. I tried to call a few days later to talk, she didn't pick up. I even apologised by text, nothing. We'd bump into each other every so often at playgroups or social things and she would blank me. It wasn't really a big deal as we didn't have mutual friends and I didn't miss her. I didn't have any drive to have it out with her publicly so just left it.

Fast forward a year and I'm at another playgroup with a new mum friend with my second DC. She was telling me about an outing she'd had and I said "oh, I love that kind of thing, let me know next time if you fancy some company". And she said, she had wanted to invite me but Mandy was coming and she thought it would be too weird after everything that had happened between us. This was the first she had ever mentioned she knew Mandy and I had no idea she even knew her. Turns out Mandy spun a massive ridiculous lie to her about us having had a big bust up over something "too personal for her to share" but that she was still feeling upset and how hard it was for her every time she saw me out and about etc. It left me feeling really paranoid and upset. I have no idea how many other people in our area she told this nonsense to. I corrected this one friend and told her my side to which she replied, "yes that does sound an awful lot more plausible" but goodness knows who else mad Mandy has gossiped on to.

So, long story short, my advice would be to avoid her like the plague but not to confront her as it probably won't change or help her and you'll open yourself up to being a possible target for mad toxic stuff.

I knew this person! Or one like her. She was at the mother and baby groups and we hung around together quite a lot when our babies were small. But then she began repeating my stories back to me as if they had happened to her! Nothing important, just stuff I’d done, usually baby related, and then (obviously a mumsnetter) she began to pretend things she had read on this forum had happened to her or someone she knew! I only recongnised one or two things, I don’t have time to read here that much, but I realised that for all I knew she could be “borrowing” or making up everything she ever said and that I didn’t really know her at all.

She had quite a dramatic life, always having a crisis (or perhaps she made it up, who knows?) and it all got a bit stressful in the end. We drifted and I’m glad. I’m just hoping that she doesn’t end up at the same school as us (her baby was younger) because I really dont want to have to deal with her again.