To ask about your experiences with people who lie a lot, and how sympathetic you are to them?

[sp00nfulofsugar]

I'm interested to know about whether any of you have known people you (or they) suspect to be pathological/compulsive liars and how you deal with that knowledge.

Is there any point in confronting somebody who you are quite certain exaggerates and outright lies about almost everything, to varying degrees? These lies seem to be pretty much constant, although all are relatively inconsequential.

I feel like the person in my life is most certainly lying to make herself and her life sound a little bit more interesting, despite having no need to. She's a very clever and kind woman who I love dearly (I certainly would never cut her out of my life), but has low self esteem and a long history of other mental health problems dating back to her early teens (eating disorders, depression, anxiety, self harm). I'm so tired of never believing anything she says.

Randomly selected couple of recent examples of the type of lies we're talking about:

• She has a first class honours degree in X subject (highly regarded subject from highly regarded university), yet her partner believes she has an undergraduate masters in X subject
• Said her train was delayed by 1.5 hours a couple of weeks ago, when I know for a fact it was delayed by about 40 minutes. Not a huge deal, but she throws in bonus lies about the fact that because the train was delayed more than 1 hour she's entitled to a full refund and how great that is
• Recently talked about how odd it was that she hadn't seen "ANYBODY" from a certain group of acquaintances for a while, "even X", when I bumped into X a couple of days afterwards and it turns out that they had bumped into each other the very day that she'd said this. Indeed it was clearly the bumping into X that prompted her to realise she hadn't seen the others for a while, but she had to make it sound a bit more dramatic than it really was.

I know someone like this - constantly embellishing stories or saying random things that just never happened, but nothing serious enough to warrant calling them out.

I just assume everything they say is not true now. On a few ocassions when I have irrefutable evidence that something isn’t true, I’ve said “why did you say x when it’s not true?” and she will either say she was just joking, or will just adamantly repeat that it’s true, and she doesn’t know why someone else is lying about it. I don’t tend to bother calling her out anymore as it doesn’t get me anywhere.
I think it’s quite sad really, I think she’s quite insecure and wants to appear interesting or something.

I have a friend like this. She also has a history of eating disorders and self harm so when her lies were small embellishments and exaggerations everyone was sympathetic and let it pass without comment. But over time the lies got worse. Probably the most upsetting was when she pretended to have had a miscarriage, the day before the birthday of another friend with a history of pregnancy loss.

I volunteered years ago with a girl like this, she literally couldn't tell the smallest anecdote without making something up. She lost friends left and right and at some point I realised that she genuinely couldn't tell the difference between a fact and her imagination and that there was probably an actual diagnostic neurological issue. She also lacked basic social graces.

I ended up feeling sorry for her but her last few lies bordered on allegation level and if it's left as it was, she will find herself up on charges eventually. I've moved area now

Her Dad had come her no favours because there was clearly something wrong but he wouldn't hear of it

@Shepherdspieisminging yes, I do feel sorry for her, and she doesn't seem to be harming anybody with the sort of lies/embellishments she tells. I mostly wonder whether it would benefit her to know that I (and probably plenty of other people in our lives) know that she's not telling the truth - whether it'd prompt her to either seek real help or just stop lying for a little bit. It must be tiring having to constantly think of ways to make herself sound more impressive or her life more exciting. Your experiences with your dad and step-mum are obviously very different indeed, and a lot more serious - I can't imagine having to deal with that.

@Pecano, I imagine I'd be in a similar situation if I called out my relative on her lies/embellishments too. I just don't think she'd ever be capable of saying "yes, I exaggerated, sorry". I don't feel like it's a huge deal to me, but I worry that it must feel like an ever increasing burden to her, and I definitely think she'd be upset to know that at least some of her lies are known.

Yes I have an ex friend who lied constantly about inconsequential things, for attention mainly. She has lied about having an eating disorder ironically! But also daft things no one really believes whereby she has to have the most dramatic, unusual experiences of everything ever. She can’t arrive for a drink without experiencing a drama on the way. When she had her baby she experienced or narrowly avoided almost every pregnancy and Labour complication you can think of.

Bizarrely, when she genuinely did have crisis’ she barely ever spoke about them. She once phoned me on the verge of a breakdown about an extreme situation she’s kept secret for months.

Luckily she moved away and we are no longer in contact, which is refeshing. She was exhausting. You know what they say, friends are like radiators: some warm
You up and some drain you

My wise old aunt once told me, "to be a good liar, you need a good memory". Honestly if anyone habitually lied to me vs the occasional exaggeration (which we are all prone to a little bit once in a while) I wouldn't waste my time on them. Who knows what lies she says about you ? I'm sorry, but I just couldn't trust someone who lies to that degree.

@Weathermonger, I completely understand what you're saying, but I don't worry about her lying about me. She's a quiet, sensitive and kind-hearted person with a small social circle, and I'm convinced (as much as I can be) that her lies aren't malicious. That's what makes it so difficult - I'm sick of hearing lies, but I'd never want to make her life more difficult by confronting her and causing her to feel like running away from the people who care about her.

Perhaps the only option is to allow things to go on as they are. I think if I knew that other mutual friends/relatives were aware of the truth I'd be able to feel a little more at peace, but it doesn't seem right to 'out' her or discuss her with them. That said, I don't think I'm smarter or more emotionally intelligent than them, so maybe they're all fully aware of the situation and it's just one of those things that's left unsaid.

I used to have a colleague like this. She would exaggerate details, including when recounting events that another person listening to the story was present for. We all knew to take anything she said with a pinch of salt.

The exaggerations always seemed to be aimed at building rapport with other team members. She had been in an abusive relationship previously, so we always thought it was to do with acceptance. Once she’d been with us a while and was in a much more healthy relationship she seemed to stop doing it so much.

I have a friend like this. She tells stupid lies that don’t affect anyone - things like she had pasta for dinner when she had chicken, that kind of thing. It’s bizarre and I’m not sure how to help, or if she even needs helping. The randomness suggests to me that it’s compulsive as the lies aren’t for any reason, if that makes sense.

One of my friends at school was a compulsive liar, I was the first one to realise when we were 13 and every one else clicked on, we still hung out with her but knew everything she was chatting was bullshit. I generally tolerate liars but it depends what they’ve lied about and the who,e situation in general. Most of the time i just wave them off as I know they are chatting crap

Shepherd hit the nail on the head. The lying could be an indication that she has BPD. I had a colleague like this. I used to make it clear that I knew she was lying. It didn't make any difference. Going along with it was much better and reduced the number of lies.
The lies ranged from where she lived to what brand her jumper was. I felt sorry for her towards the end.

Spoonfulofsugar - you sound really nice! And tolerant and kind.

I think I'm a bit of a rubbish friend sometimes. Sometimes I tell white lies, usually accidentally to be nice (e.g. As happened today - Me: "I love this soft play" - other mum who had invited me: "really, most people hate it and it gives them a headache" - me [thinks to self - was I lying when I said I liked it? Maybe, I don't even know! I was perhaps just making small talk!]) and I hope if I'm ever being really foolish or doing something completely daft, my friends will be as non-judgemental and supportive as you.

You honestly sound lovely!

I used to have a friend like this. When with friends, he would completely make up stories or embellish stories that actually involved me. Sometimes i thought he must know tha i know hes lying, other times i thibk he actually belived his own lies. I always went along with the stories as they were harmless. But then the lies started to escalate and he started being a massive asshole, with some outrageous behaviours that ended up physically harming me and he emotionally hurt me time and time again. I called him out on it all and we haven't spoke properly since. I know he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder since then which he blames his behaviour on. I don't disbelieve him, he has a very traumatic past. I just could never look at him as a friend again after what he did to me.

I would personally keep my distance from someone who can't help lying, but avoid confrontation.

I had an ex friend like this, she was a compulsive liar, to the point even the DC knew she was lying most of the time.

Sometimes she just embellished the story, other times it was an out and out lie. With her it seemed to be to elicit sympathy, or to make herself look good. She thrived on drama and loved to cast herself as the innocent victim. While we were good friends I let the lies pass, I tried gently a few times to remind her of her previous version of events or put the alternate view across but she she couldn't/wouldn't be swayed from her own internal narrative.

In the end the friendship ended over a grossly negligent act on her behalf which she managed to twist so she was yet again the victim and I was the 'evil perpetrator'.

I would say that if you want to keep the friendship then there's absolutely no point in challenging your friends lies, in my experience no matter what the driving reason is behind a persons compulsive lying, calling them out on it will not end well.

Thanks for the kind words, Candle - I'm definitely not particularly lovely, but I do think witnessing first hand what a difficult time this person had throughout their teens makes me inclined to be sympathetic and understanding. If I knew she was only lying to me, I'd not give it another thought - my concerns are mainly for her mental state (whether the lies and exaggerations are piling up in her mind and causing her anxiety) and also because I feel somehow slightly burdened by not knowing how clued into her lies other mutual friends and family are.

For what it's worth, you don't sound like a rubbish friend at all. I can definitely empathise with that sort of conversation!

To Roaring and Shepherd who've mentioned BPD, that wouldn't at all be a surprise. My sister hasn't had any contact with mental health professionals for over a decade - she did what was requested of her with regards to CBT, talking therapy and medication over the course of a few years, but then reached a point where she thought she could take control of it all herself. Since then it's been one of those subjects nobody ever talks about as we don't want to upset or destabilise her.

She sounds hard work!

She has a first class honours degree in X subject (highly regarded subject from highly regarded university), yet her partner believes she has an undergraduate masters in X subject

What is an undergraduate masters, though? I thought a masters was a post grad course?

My business partner lies about her DC. Whenever they start a new activity (and this happens a LOT), she tells me about how amazed the coach/ teacher was. These coaches have never come across a child with so much natural talent. The coach always describes the child as "world-class" or "Olympic potential" or even, ludicrously, "Instructor level". This last was said about both DC (aged 11 and 8) in regard to a dangerous outdoor sport, which neither has ever done in the real environment .
Why do people do this? It's just embarrassing- I always change the subject when she starts because I can't bear to listen to it. I want to scream "no your 8 yr old is not better at x sport / activity than an adult who's been doing it for donkey's years and holds all the relevant qualifications WHICH IS WHY YOU ARE PAYING THEM".

Pseudologica Fantasitca

My ex H is a compulsive liar. He has a gambling addiction so obviously used to lie a lot about money etc but it wasn't just that. The whole beginning of our relationship was based on lies that his parents just went along with.

He said he worked at X place (was actually unemployed but would get dressed for 'work' and ring me on his lunch break and everything! That went on for months).

He played an instrument (quite well actually) and said he was in a local band. We eventually went to see said band a while into our relationship because he'd forgotten he told me he was a part of the band.

Would lie about literally the smallest things that no one cared about but made himself look really stupid.

It was exhausting.

I had a friend like this, I think the main reason she lied was so she had a dramatic story to tell. But the stories were ridiculous. If you called her out, she would double down on the story, telling more lies and you would end wasting half an hour discussing this ridiculous story. So my method of dealing with it was to basically ignore what she said and change the subject.

For example
Friend: On the way here today I saw a man get stabbed, then he fell back and got run over.
Me: Huh, that's weird. Anyway did you catch Game of Thrones last night, it was great.

Holidayshopping, an undergraduate master's is a lot like a regular undergraduate course but with an extra year added on (available to those students doing especially well at the end of the second year of their degree), meaning you can graduate after four years with a master's degree rather than after three years with a bachelor's. It's fairly common in the sciences.

My sister's very clever and would presumably have had no problems completing the masters course, but she just didn't - I attended her graduation ceremony where she was awarded an impressive first class BSc in physics.

I had a friend who would tell lies about even the most basic of things, literally everything was a lie in some form or another. Silly things like "I've never had chips before" when I'd seen them eat chips the day before. Or they don't own black jeans when they quite clearly did. It's a bit outing but she once told me she was celebrating her first anniversary with her DP when it was their second. And was insistent it was their first but it was most definitely not.

They were completely harmless and I just felt a bit sad for her. I always wondered what her BF thought, whether she lied to him and whether he really knew that, whether the person he thought she was was really who she was.

I think this friend too has a history of eating disorders (bulimia), never admitted but I was pretty certain. Its obviously difficult to tell with all the lies but there were many signs.

There was no point calling out the lies because she would change the story or insist what she was saying was true, she would never admit to lying, and at the end of the day we both knew I knew she was lying. I just let them slide mostly as they were harmless

Holidayshopping, an undergraduate master's is a lot like a regular undergraduate course but with an extra year added on (available to those students doing especially well at the end of the second year of their degree), meaning you can graduate after four years with a master's degree rather than after three years with a bachelor's. It's fairly common in the sciences

Fair enough-I did an arts degree; this maybe wasn’t something I came across. Isn’t a masters just one year though, so no different to doing a 3 year undergrad degree and then a one year PG masters?