AIBU or is my other half a dickhead ?

[IrisTs]

I'm fed up being called U by my OH. In fact I was also Called a bully, rude, foreign and variety of other names.

Apparently I'm BU because I demand he does his share of household duties. We both work full time, where I always leave before and come back similar time or later. Every day for the last 2 years I have to get the little one sorted in the morning, bed time and if he wakes up at night. I cook 80% of the time, clean up 90%, do 99% of clothes washing. Sick and fucking tired.So I'm rude because I tell him to tidy up rather than asking politely. I'm UB because I expect him to help with his child but most people he spoke to apparently say it's usually the mums job (yes I flipped my shit at that) and he needs to get ready for work so he cannot do it. Oh wait a minute, I do too?! So AIBU or do I get rid this waste of space?

Tell him if you get divorced he'll have to do 50% of the childcare and 100% of his domestic chores once he's living on his own

Is there any benefit to being married to him?

Weird how he only has 1% of the clothes washing. How do his clothes get clean?

It’s terrible to realise you’re married to a misogynist. Did you discuss parenting before you had children? Did he say any of this then? I just don’t know if this kind of values mismatch can be fixed.

Ok, well, you know you aren’t being unreasonable.

However, it’s not a happy marriage. You don’t respect or it sounds like one another.

So what’s keeping you?

Do you get anything out of being with him? Genuine question.

Leave

Dickhead definitely!

You know the answer! I'd not put up with this from a grown man, it is unfair. Sit down and have a quiet but firm talk, laying out what you want from him. Give hime some specific things to do. If he doesn't show any inclination to change then you know what to do (LTB).

LTB

It’s not right, but are you willing to stay with him if he won’t change?

Tell him to fuck off. You can do better than this.

Stop doing anything for his benefit. Don’t buy his favourite at the supermarket. Don’t so much as shove a pair of pants in the wash. Black bag, and all of his washing and any mess he leave at his backside gets shoved in it and chucked on his side of the bed or cupboard, anywhere that is out of your way. Leave him to his own devices. Meanwhile, while his pre-historic brain is processing this new - no doubt very unfair - situation, you seriously look at what benefits there are to you of remaining with him and carrying his share of the burdens of your joint life together. Hopefully, he comes to his senses but if not then you come to yours. Life is too short for this shit.

You know what he is op. What are you going to do about it?

It’s terrible to realise you’re married to a misogynist.

This.

If it's the mum's job to do everything at home, it's the dad's job to earn all the money. But he doesn't do that, does he? He wants all the benefits of a working wife and all the benefits of a SAHP.

Also you call him OH, not H. So did he forget to marry you? being such a traditionalist when it suits him?

Thanks for your responses. We have had several talks and nothing works. In fact I kicked him out few weeks back to have time apart and think it through. He has promised changes and moved back in. Apart from taking the dog out, I think he does even less? I do all lunches,dinners etc. He just disappears saying he promised to help someone, some doesn't have to help out. Never allows me to have a lay in on weekends. In fact he has just thrown a strop after having to wash up and sitting on another room now.

I was trying to stick it out because of the little one and finances ? And in fact because I'm worried than when he will have to take him to where ever he goes something serious will happen? He doesn't prep any of DS meals or never wakes up when he cries even with monitor next to him. How can I trust him to have DS ?

@MrsTerryPrachett

Haha yes he actually forgot to marry me or actually said he never will as I'm a bully and demanding cow.

Had this exact situation with my DH. I changed jobs so I could work fewer days so I had more time at home to clean, thinking that would be a solution, it just made me resent him more. It got to the point where he did his own washing and cooking, I did nothing for him, but o was still doing everything for the home and 2 kids, working a 40 hour week and paying more than my fair share.

I’ve been happily single for 2 years now. He just didn’t get it and he still doesn’t get it. We were alternating the nights he has the kids, Friday this week and Saturday next week etc. He has decided that Fridays are not good for him because the kids have classes early on Saturday!

They never change. Once a lazy, self centered duck head........

I think either he will have to learn to look after DS when he has him on his own. There will be a lot of crap meals and TV at first but chances are he'll work it out. Or he will rapidly make excuse after excuse to get out of contact time.

In summary, if you split up, if he cares about his child he will learn to care for him, if he isn't much bothered about his own son he won't see him anyway. If he's not bothered then it's best for your child if that comes out sooner rather than later and he fucks off. Make sure you go to CMS.

My DD stuck this type of shit relationship for three and a half years. They split three months ago and they've been the happiest times, for her.

She's worked out her money and accepted that she's got to cut back.

He often objected to Family popping in, but now we can all pitch in, I can stay overnight so she can have a proper night out.

He's gutted and is begging her to try again, but she's been there twice before and won't fall for it again.

Make plans to leave. He doesn't love or respect you, or the children.

What cotton just said.
I don't think he will change, he sounds bloody horrid to me, kick him out and get on with your life would be my advice.
YANBU.

I should have added that her ex is making excuses why he can only have contact at her house, which she's allowing for now.

Swap him for tax credits.

If he really is that shit, he won't bother to have DS much anyway - but be prepared for him to initially say he wants full time care or 50/50. They all follow the same dickhead script.

Do you own or rent?

What really gets to me is that he was brought up in loving family, lovely clean house etc. When I have kicked him out he went to his parents and I expected them to have a chat and say what the hell are you doing son but nothing! They know I chase him for his share of rent and bills each month too and not a word from them.

@cotton I would be happy if he gave up and didn't want to see his DS as then I can bring him up right with no swearing and shouting. I'm so worried though about him not looking after the DS it's lik accident waiting to happen. Do I want to take this risk ? DS is only 2

What does he mean by foreign? Is that supposed to be an insult?

It's also whether you want to bring DS up in an unhappy household with a lazy dickish father who treats his mum like shit.

It's not like one way is idyllic and the other is terrible. There's no right way so you might as well be happy.